Preparing for change

We have a new dog.

I have written a little about this in the main blog, as I was covering death and grief, but I was talking with a friend this morning and I realized some things that are worth writing about.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/12/adjusting.html


One was in which these dogs are very different is that Jane was hyper and bold and always into things. Adele is very shy. She is also straight out of the adoption kennel. We have never had that combination before. Jenny was very shy, but she had been in a home before, and lived with a few different people. We have had a few dogs come straight from the kennel, but they were fairly confident dogs.

Where this has become difficult is the combination of fear with lack of knowledge. She did not know the difference between a home and crates and this part is the yard, and you do your business out there, but because she was also scared to let us know that she needed to go, it made it harder to teach her. This led to a few accidents, but also for a while she was only peeing once a day, which I know can't be comfortable.

That part is mostly worked out. She understands that this is something that you do in the yard now, and we get her in the yard on a regular basis. The other level there, and what Geno does, would be going to the door when she need to go, and we would open it for her, but she does not quite comprehend that she has the freedom to do that yet.

Right now her safe spot is the dog bed between my closet and desk. She will wander a little beyond that, but then she gets scared and runs back. A couple of times a day I will lead her into the living room, and pet her and talk to her, and then she will run back. I do it to try and show her that it is fine to be out there, but I'm not sure that she is getting the message.

Seeing that Geno moves about comfortably may eventually help, but the thing that will probably help most is her desire to be with us. When I am working at my computer and she is lying down next to me, I know that she is comfortable and relaxed. I'm glad to give her that, and it is certainly better that it is this spot - the first day it was the bathroom, and she stayed in there as four women got ready for church, which was not ideal.

When I have her in the living room, she may enjoy the attention, but she is anxious. When she creeps out into the hall, and approaches the living room, she is very anxious. These times are good for her. They are part of her path to where she will be happier.

That's what came together today. I know home life is very different from kennel life. I feel pretty comfortable saying that home life is better. I know this adjustment is going to lead to good things for Adele. I just hadn't thought about how human it was.

Sometimes there are so many things we could do that we don't even know. Sometimes things could be so much better, and we don't even see it because we are afraid. But if a young dog can learn, then we should be able to reason it out.

Things we can learn from Duck Dynasty

I think there are some teachable moments here.

There is a lot of interesting material for which I am not needed. Photos of the family without their beards and speculation on whether the interview was a deliberate attempt at martyrdom, getting out of the show, or tone-deaf sincerity, I don't know. I've never watched the show, and I can't imagine that I would.

Also, I am not going to spend a lot of time on the difference between freedom of speech and responsibility to corporate sponsors. I kind of already covered that with Paula Deen.

So here are some new things that stood out to me, and my thoughts.

First of all, it was interesting reading about the ratings. The season 4 premiere drew in 11.8 million viewers, and this is apparently phenomenal. The United States population is 317 million, so phenomenal is about four percent. Whether you are impressed with how much money can be made off a small percentage of the population, or disheartened by the popularity of reality TV and the behavior it portrays, it's worth keeping some perspective.

This is probably also a good time to remember what suppression of speech means. A punk band in Russia is in jail for criticizing Putin (and they way they did it, but they would not get jail time here). Or we can remember what religious persecution means. Falun Gong members are imprisoned in China. Huguenots were massacred and had to flee France; Mormons were massacred and needed to flee Missouri. Quakers, Roger Williams, Anne Hutchinson - I can keep going. People being offended by your beliefs that you remain free to practice is pretty minor, and reflects that the freedom is for everyone, not just some. This is a good thing.

Also, and this is probably my biggest thing here, it's probably good to take a moment and think about those beliefs.

If Robertson had only said that he believed that men and women should be together, there would be people who wouldn't like it, but it would be less of an issue. What he did was put homosexuality together with many other things that are not really fair comparisons, and then went off rather crudely about sex organs in a manner that shows a little too much preoccupation.

Many people are taking this as an attack on Christian beliefs, but this seems to be a bit of a knee-jerk reaction. (I covered similar territory writing about the Duggars.)

If you believe that homosexuality is wrong, it is worth stopping and examining what that means. If you automatically agree with anyone who is against homosexuality, you are going to be automatically agreeing with some very ugly things. Let's say you believe it is best that men and women marry each other, okay. Do you also believe that men marrying men is equal to bestiality or terrorism? Do you really believe that they should lose their jobs? Is beating them up okay? Do you really believe they recruit? Because there are people who believe those things, and will say those things; is that the side you want to be on?

It requires some thought, and that leads to the other point. This comment has not been getting as much attention, so I am going to quote it, about blacks in the South before the Civil Rights-era:

"They're singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, 'I tell you what: These doggone white people' -- not a word!

"Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues,"

It's funny in how literally wrong he is about "singing the blues", but okay, I have a point that may be useful here.

When discussing marginalized groups, we use the term "privilege" a lot, meaning that if you are not in that group you may not be aware of the downside of being in it, because you don't have to be aware of it. That is your privilege. Not knowing about the problems they face does not make you a bad person; that's just something that happens.

Being clueless that they are not necessarily being completely open with you also does not necessarily make you a bad person. There would have been a lot of danger in complaining, or doing anything else that was perceived as being out of line - "uppity" - and there are plenty of stories about that, but okay, you did not see the problem with the hierarchy that had you near the top. Fine.

However, if when you do hear that there might be problems, that this system is not working for others, you get irritated and you feel threatened, and you resent the changes, that is the kind of thing that can turn you into a bad person, because to do it you will either need to cling to ignorance or you will need to actively choose to side with the oppressor against the repressed, and neither of those are what good people do.

Fighting homogeneity

That seemed like the right word to choose.

My thoughts lately have a lot to do with my friend Jen. We got to know each other as visiting teaching companions. On the surface, we don't have a lot in common, in terms of our backgrounds or our current situations, but we are interested in a lot of the same things, and we have great conversations punctuated by "Yes!" and "Thank you!" a lot.

She was telling me recently about a comment in Sunday school that made her very uncomfortable. It took her a while to adjust to it, but eventually she felt like she had to say something, and she did, going back to it and explaining why it bothered her. Many other people indicated similar feelings after she spoke up.

Without being too specific, the original comment was one that indicated a feeling of superiority over people not in our church. It was looking specifically at the youth, and there are some great young people in the church, and they certainly may look better than what you see represented on the news, but there's a dangerous thought pattern there if you start comparing.

The other dangerous thought pattern, though, that nearly won, was assuming that silence meant agreement. Many people were uncomfortable and disagreed, but no one initially said anything. You can have a room full of people thinking they are the only one, if no one speaks up.

I know people who want to disagree with everything too, and they can be really obnoxious. Because of that, it may not feel great being the one to dissent. However, your voice can strengthen and comfort someone else.

Using your voice can strengthen yourself. Lying takes a toll, but leaving true things unsaid can take a similar toll. If you never assert yourself, especially on things that are personally important to you, you will probably find that you don't like yourself very much.

The other possibility is that you will find, if things that bother you are constantly happening at church, and you do not speak up about them, that you are not happy at church, and you may stop going. If it was just a social group, that would be reasonable, but it is the Gospel, and living up to your beliefs affects your ability to maintain your beliefs, and receive the blessings you have been promised by them, so attending church is vital.

When you've been in the Church all of your life, you forget how hard it can be adapting. I have never had to give up coffee or social drinking or adjust my way of life so that there is a place for tithing in my budget. There is no hardship there. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be a hardship for someone else.

Those are things that matter, and as new members get accustomed to them they will be blessed, but they don't need judgment during the adjustment period.

In addition, there are so many things that don't matter. They are things that are common, but not essential to the Gospel. There are people for whom being Republican is a strong tenet of their faith. Never mind that every election they remind us that the Church does not endorse a party or candidates, and that we are supposed to study the issues, and that there are prominent members in both parties, that gets stuck in their head. I had someone snub me after finding out I was a Democrat. She spoke to me again after I gave a good lesson, so I hope that was a teaching moment for her, but it happens.

A few years ago, there were probably more sideways looks at women who had jobs. Yes, the parents being there for the children is important, but we've been gradually moving away from it being common for people to be able to afford that, and there is probably more understanding. And it's not exactly unrelated to the Gospel because of how we feel about families, so it would be easy for someone to feel justified in judging, but it would still be wrong and unhelpful.

No one should feel like they don't belong, but it happens. If those people stop going, it will happen more. More new members will fall away, because they don't fit in and eventually they notice it. It could be very comfortable for everyone who is left, because then everyone is alike, but that's not something we were ever commanded to be. We were commanded to be united, and to not have contention, but that never meant being clones.

It might sound like the point of this is for active members to be more careful about judgment, and more accepting of differences. That's a good point, but that's not what I'm saying.

What I am saying is that if you question whether you fit in, stick it out. If someone says something that you know is wrong, say it. If someone says something that you think is wrong, but you are not confident, ask. You need to be doing that with love too, but mainly it just needs to be done. The key word is charity, not conformity. Once we all love each other, we won't need to be the same, and we will find many ways in which we are not so different.

Preparing to catch up on Family History

Hey, we finished Preach My Gospel!

I don't know that my approach to missionary work will change now, but there is another shift lately, which is that Aaron is out of prison.

That is just the beginning of a lot of changes for him, but on my side, we have posted on each others' walls on Facebook, chatted over the internet, and chatted by phone. I wanted to write him 3-5 page letters every week, and I would fall short of that, but still, that was something that is no longer necessary. Continuing to be supportive doesn't change, but there were things I was trying to do that were time-consuming, and that specific need has changed.

I am finding plenty of other needs to fill, but there are two things that have been coming to my mind a lot, and so I am going to make my those things a big part of my Sundays. One will be writing to my Plan children and my cousins. There are four or five Sundays in a month, so it should be possible to write to all of my children once a month, and to write to the cousins once a month. The other thing will be working on family history.

I think I need to give some background on that, so everything will make sense.

My parents joined the Church after they were married, but my father stopped going a few years later, as did my brother. There have been cousins who joined, and then stopped going, so there have never been a lot of members in the family.  Right now, my mother, two of my sisters and I have temple recommends, and I think I have a second or third cousin who does also, but also female. The point of that is that there are not a lot of people available for ordinance work, and no males.

If that is an obstacle (and it is), we have been given great blessings in other ways. My paternal grandmother was interested in genealogy, and one of her cousins and one of her husband's cousins were both really into it, giving us a wealth of information on both the Harris and Stone sides.

I first got into it in junior high, when we had the option of doing either a family tree or an immigration map for a social studies project. I did a great family tree. I found a big box full of information that my father had gotten from my grandmother, and laid it all out.

There were things that were interesting, like finding seven men listed as Revolutionary War soldiers. I later found out that some of the information had been organized for applications into the DAR and DAC (Daughters of the American Revolution and Daughters of the American Colonists). There was an ancestor who had lived to be 105 years old and had baked bread for Washington's armies.

There were also things that were sad. One family had lost all four of their children in two weeks time from black fever. Obviously they had other children, or they wouldn't be among my ancestors, but it must have hurt. My great-grandmother had written a life history, and she wrote about the night her husband died, and the loneliness she felt, and my grandmother coming in to her bedroom to comfort her.

For me, family history became about reuniting families because I felt how painful their separations must have been. I submitted my first family names in junior high, when you filled out sheets by hand and mailed them to Salt Lake, and then another a few years later.

Things were dropped in my lap so often, where a cousin would send me a stack of pages of genealogy, and I would feel like it happened because they were ready and they wanted their work done. I was not the one researching, I was just the secretary, but I was glad to fill that role.

When PAF came out and I typed everything into the computer, and that was good because I had it done before Dad left and took everything away. As the process developed with the technology, I knew someday we would be able to submit names from home, and when that happened I went crazy.

I knew I should work my way back in an orderly manner, but I thought of all of these people who might be scattered here and there, and have to wait, and I sort of did this submission of over 300 names, just to get done before I started being orderly. I bit off more than I could chew.

There have been some great experiences along the way, but also, I need to work through this, and get these cards completed, and then start being orderly and only working with small batches. So, a little time every Sunday is going to go to that. I have asked the High Priests group for help, and that got some names done. I gave a bunch of cards to someone to do years ago, who was at the temple all the time, so it should not have been a problem, but still nothing. Today I sent a reminder message to him, trying to work out a way to get the cards back. One step at a time.

So, if anyone doesn't have their own family file names to do, I can hook you up. And while I don't know a lot of the research side, I can recommend some good ideas and bad ideas about your own submissions.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 13: Stake and Ward Leaders

My first thought on this topic was remembering back to when they changed the bishoprics in Modesto.

There were not enough Lao members to have their own branch, so we had a group in a regular (Anglo) ward. It was a wealthy ward, or it felt like one to me, but there were some really good people there, and we got on well with the bishop and his family.

When they changed the bishopric, the new bishop had a son who was dating one of the Lao girls. They were one of those couples that takes things really seriously, despite being in high school, where they really believe they will get married, even though they probably will not. I don't think the father was thrilled with that relationship, and I felt like he was not too thrilled with the Lao.

I could be judging unfairly. Every bishop has their own personality and focus. The previous bishop had been really interested in missionary work, and was really good to us. The new bishop was focused more on getting the members to be happy, which was still important, but I feel like our side was on the back burner.

Anyway, now with years in between, I have seen that different bishops work better for different people. One friend was really helped by Bishop Y when she needed it, but a different friend could never open up to him. That one was greatly helped by Bishop M, who alienated a lot of people, because he often came off as pretty judgmental. But he helped someone I cared about, and I will always be grateful for that.

When Bishop D came in, that was great for us, because we have known and loved him for years, but his sense of humor did not work for everyone. Some people would get offended, which I think was ridiculous, but that was their right, but other people were helped by him too.

My point is that maybe it is not always our turn. When it is the person who is not "your bishop", he is still your bishop, and you need to respect that and know that other people matter too, and that for the help you need, there is a way. Maybe it is that you are going to wait, or that it will come through another source, but all needs will be met, in time.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 12: Baptism and Confirmation

My first thought reading this was the issue isn't so much about preparing them to be baptized as it is preparing them to be members. I was thinking about last week, and how many people stop keeping their commitments, and everything that goes wrong with that.

However, I started flashing back to different baptisms that I witnessed on my mission. I remembered the joy, and the relief for some who had waited a long time, and some of the participation by others and the good things from that.

I remember on teenager who took a long time to get parental permission, but he was so committed, and an excellent singer who was unable to complete her song at his baptism, because the emotions were so strong and her voice cracked. And she was embarrassed, but we all understood.

With the one who struggled with tithing, I remember his joy and relief when he was baptized. It had been a struggle within himself, and so it was a relief to realize that he could do it and had done it.

It's pretty common for Lao refugees to have three names. There is a formal Lao name, which would be the equivalent of the birth certificate name, and then usually a Lao nickname, and then especially with the younger ones, and American nickname, and that's mostly what they go by. (A lot of the children born here just get American names, so you can kind of look at the children and know what year they entered the country.)

Anyway, we were teaching one young man (he was about 20), and we always called him Tom, but his Lao nickname was Noy, which means "little". We had a family of stake missionaries that we worked with closely, and the father baptized Tom, but as they were talking, Tom gave his name as Noy and the father always called him that and referred to him as that after. I just remembered realizing that Tom, who was kind of alone in the world, felt drawn to this kind, fatherly man, and he felt protective in return, and it wasn't anything that was talked about, just felt.

It's not that what happens afterward isn't important; the value of covenants and ordinances comes as you keep them.  However, those moments and milestones matter too, and they are important opportunities to let people serve and love each other.

I'm glad to take some time to remember that.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 11: Keep Commitments

That title sounds like it is about you, the missionary, keeping your commitments, which is very important, but the chapter is more about helping your investigators make and keep commitments.

One thing that was kind of a shock for me was to see that there would be times when people would know, and they would not do. Generally there was some sort of change they did not want to make. It may have just been something social, like not wanting to leave the church they were attending, but it was enough. Sometimes they would act regretful, and sometimes they would be kind of joking and trying to make light of it, and sometimes they got really hard-hearted about it, but the point was, they knew it was right to do something, and yet would not do it.

As a young missionary it was something that surprised me, and it made me sad, but it actually strikes me more now seeing it with people who have already committed to church, and then stop.

I've seen so many people say they were just going to take a break from church, and it turns into a permanent break. Maybe in the back of their mind that is what they want, but I do think some of them sincerely thought they could just take some time off and be okay, and that's never true.

I say this as someone who doesn't particularly enjoy church. My mind wanders a lot, and I don't always get that much out of it. However, I do get something out of putting myself into it. That just showing up, week after week, is more powerful than it appears.

It is really very easy to learn that something is true. Maintaining spiritual knowledge is harder. If you do not live up to the level of good that you know, you end up knowing less, and that can keep spiraling downward. There are a few examples that I am thinking of pretty hard, but I don't want to get into them, because these are real people, and it could be hurtful. They probably wouldn't recognize themselves, because seriously, they do not see it, but I still feel like it would be unfair.

I guess it's like love. When you start to love someone, everything is golden, and you are good to them because you want to me, and it's a beautiful thing. When you treat someone badly, you feel worse toward them. It may have been someone you truly loved, but maybe you got used to them, and your regularly scheduled selfishness intervened, or you held a grudge over something minor, and it just escalates.

Faith seems to have similar rules to love. The feels right. Integrity seems to play along with both.

Thinking about new faith and new love, it is terrible that we let things so precious go dim. Usually people aren't thinking it through. Every individual choice feels like it is just that, and not part of a series, but that's just not how it works. So when Alma asks "if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?", that's what he means. And it's easy for the answer to be "no", but it doesn't mean that the song was never real. And it doesn't mean that the song can't be found again.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 10: Teaching Skills

Reading over this brought back a few memories. Much of the focus was on how you needed to focus on the needs of the investigator. There was something in the manual earlier about adjusting lesson lengths, but you can also change the order of the information. Some people will need more background information. It requires listening well, and if that seems daunting, there is always inspiration for help. That requires listening too.

The first memory was V. He was an investigator in Modesto. He had been studying for about a year, but he was not taking it really seriously, and therefore not progressing. They got him to start reading the Book of Mormon, and he did start progressing, but then he got hung up on tithing.

This was not surprising. When you grow up doing it all your life, it may not seem like a big deal, but it can be a huge adjustment. Beyond that, a lot of the refugees really saw their worldly circumstances go down when they fled Laos. V had been a doctor; when I met him he was working security in a meat plant.

It felt impossible that he could consider paying ten percent of his income to the church. He thought he could do it later, if he saved up for a while, or maybe he could do a smaller percentage, but it was just too much. That's where he was when I met him, just after I transferred to Modesto. The sisters had filled me in, but I think this was the first time I met him, and we were having this talk, and I suddenly knew what to say. I still cannot convey it right now.

He was understanding it wrong. He wanted to be have better financial means, and then he could obey the commandment, but that was the blessing that would follow him keeping the commandment. That's the gist, but I can't tell you what words I used. I know I told him what he needed to hear, and I know I said it in Lao. I just as surely know that it was not really me.

The Lord worked through me, and maybe it was easier for me, because he was new to me. Sometimes you get into ruts with people who aren't progressing. Missionaries will refer to some as "eternals", and there are reasons for that, but labeling them may blind you to the answers you need.

I can't say those sisters were blind to him though, because they were the ones who got him reading the Book of Mormon, so they had gotten him to one point, and others who stuck with V while he was not taking it seriously, they played a part too. It's just important to keep your heart open so you can play your part well.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 9: Finding People

This one is kind of timely. Just yesterday morning we had Jehovah's Witnesses canvassing the neighborhood. We did not let them in, and judging by the short amount of time that the van was parked in front of our house, neither did anyone else. I told my sisters that tracting was the least effective way of finding people.

They were surprised by this. I think the vision that people have of missionaries is of them going door to door. That happens, but most of those people say "no". Often there isn't anyone home anyway, but when there is, they rarely decide to listen.

Most investigators come through having friends or family members in the church, followed by some who see promotional media, and then you get some from looking through people who had investigated and stopped, or working with less active members.

Really, referrals from friends and family is the big one. Not only has their exposure to the members given them some familiarity, where if they are showing additional interest it is with a better understanding of what they are doing, but also, it will help their adjustment a lot. With media, they are telling us they are interested because of something they saw.  Stumbling into someone by going door to door is just less likely.

It was a little harder for us because we were specifically looking for Lao people. We would look for shoes outside the door, because they all had that, but they are not the only ones who do that. We found one Vietnamese family and one Anglo family that way. (They were not interested.)

There were a few area where there were more Lao living. Bigby Villa and 6th street were two. We did find someone interested once on 6th Street, but she was English speaking. We had to hand her off the the regular missionaries.

Once we teamed up with the Spanish-speaking sisters to cover an area that had a lot of Asian and Hispanic families. We talked to some people, but did not get any leads that I recall.

Going along with the previous post on using time wisely, you could wonder why tracting is even done at all. It's simple. There are some people that you won't get any other way, and they are just as important as the likely candidates.

Also, most people aren't ready the first time you ask. It takes multiple contacts with the Church to plant that seed. Tracting can do that.

"Behold, I will send for many fishers, saith the Lord, and they shall fish them; and after will I send for many hunters, and they shall hunt them from every mountain, and from every hill, and out of the holes of the rocks." Jeremiah 16:16

Sometimes you can draw a big net and get a huge haul, but more often it is patiently hunting and searching, and believing that it has value.

As a full-time missionary, that's all you do. You want to teach and baptize, but you also contact and search and do the things that people with career and family responsibilities can't do. In the end, it should only be a small part of a lifetime of love and service, but it is a special and amazing part while it lasts, and you just need to go for it while you have the chance.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 8: Use Time Wisely

I'm going to start with a story where I got reprimanded. These stories combined may make it look like I was the most rebellious, worst missionary ever, and that was not the case, but they are usually the things that come to mind, and hopefully there ends up being a point.

It was Christmas of 1993 in Modesto. One of my companion's mothers had sent a bunch of dolls that we could give out, and as we were figuring out who would be the recipients, we started thinking about everyone in the area. Some people would not really want dolls, but we wanted to do something, and some things would be good anonymous and as we were working all of this out, it ended up resulting in a lot of baking, assembling, and sneaking up to doors and dropping off.

There was a total rush with doing it, and we felt great. I think we made a lot of people happy. We were over our regular services hours for that week, and we were under our normal study hours. That ended up being necessary for getting everything done.

Our district leader expressed some displeasure with that, and we explained why, but we were clearly not repentant enough, so at the next district meeting he had another elder direct the spiritual thought at us. It was passive aggressive and blatant, and we were ticked.

That doesn't make the elders bad either. I think he was frustrated that we were not conceding that we were wrong to not have completed the full study hours. We were mad because it felt like he was denigrating something beautiful and important, but also because he did not seem to grasp that we this was the first week we had ever not completed our study hours, and it would be the last week that we didn't. It was a one-time thing.

As a full-time missionary you have a pretty structured schedule, and that's a good thing. There are various things that are helpful, and rewarding, and missionary work is all you are doing, which is an amazing opportunity, but it can be hard to stay balanced.

For example, with the weekly service hours, (I believe it was four), serving is a good thing. Love is important for the work, and service helps with that. Also, sometimes there are opportunities to find people to teach through it. With the soup kitchen that we helped at, we were not likely to find anyone to teach there, but it felt good, it helped the community, and I learned a lot. So that time was valuable, but spending more time there would not have been an effective use of mission time. We had other things to do.

A big part of the lesson is the focus on goal-setting, because a lot how you use your time comes from the goals you set and planning to make those goals. At one point there was a push to increase the number of contacts, because that can lead to more potential investigators. We tried many different ways of finding new people, and none of them were very effective, because it turned out that we pretty much knew everyone.

Much like the language study, it was okay to try different things. You don't always get it right the first time. Also, it's usually not that you get it right and then you don't have to think about it again. The situation will change, and the methods you use have to change again.

Our goals were always correct - to help bring people to Christ. Towards the end of my mission, that mean getting members reading The Book of Mormon together, instead of working towards baptisms, but it was really the same overall purpose.

Now I still have that purpose, but I also have a job and responsibilities that were not there when I was a full-time missionary. Still, a lot of the principles are the same. You plan. You pray. You readjust when things aren't working. It requires some flexibility and humility, but that's as it should be.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 7: Learn the Language

Despite having avoided even thinking about going on a mission up until about nine months before leaving, once I accepted that, I was sure I would speak a language.

Language has always been my thing. At that point, I had studied French, Spanish, and Italian, and knew bits of Norwegian and German. None of that prepared me for Lao.

It was just so different as a language. There were no cognates that were easier to remember, so everything sounded so different. The spelling was consistent, but the alphabet was much longer, and there were tones. The grammar is simpler, but that was about it.

I remember practicing in the Missionary Training Center and thinking how much better I could do in one of the languages I already knew, and realizing that was the point. I needed to be humble, and not lean in my own understanding, but it was hard. Also, working with refugees in the States, there was never that immersion that you get when you actually go to a foreign country. Yes, there were areas where you could feel like you were really in Laos, but we never were.

It wasn't just that learning the language was harder, though it was, but I found that my usual ways did not work. Sometimes I would get lax in my studying, just because everything felt so ineffective. That didn't solve anything though. What ended up working for me was writing words out with repetition. I know, that sounds very much like something you would have little children do. In my case, I think the reason it helped was that it engaged the kinetic, because the visual and auditory alone were not doing it.

What is really important with that, however, is that it required trying a lot of things that did not work before I found the thing that did work. That's a discouraging process, but you have to have faith that there will be something that does work, and be willing to try different things.

Faith is also important for remembering that it is not just you there. You are doing something important, and there is help available.

It was getting close to Stake Conference in Modesto, and Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle, was coming. My companion was relatively new, and worried about translating, and I was worried about it too, but I knew it would fall on me. We fasted together, breaking our fast just before conference.

I know I spoke smoothly and clearly and rapidly, keeping up with the talks for most of the conference, and only stumbling towards the end. I remember that because the story that I stumbled on is the only one that I had any recollection of when it was done. It all passed through me, and I could not say that I used any of my own power in doing that. I did know that my prayer had been answered.

Learning another language allows you to connect with more people, and it helps you understand your first language better. If you haven't already done so, it's not too late. Maybe you think you are already past being a missionary, but you don't know what work lies ahead, and how possible it will be to increase the good you can do for your brothers and sisters. Writing this, I realize that it is time to learn more.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 6: Christlike Attributes

When I saw the chapter title, my first thought was meekness, because I had a story about that. That was not one of the virtues that they covered, but I guess for the purposes of the story, it is kind of a combination of humility and love. I didn't get it exactly right.

I had mentioned earlier that is was possible for the Spirit to be there and for some people not to feel it, and to be closed off to it. I had this happen once with a companion. She was angry about something I did, and so though we taught a family, and it was great for that family, it was not great for her, and she was lashing out at me any time we were not with other people.

I did not originally know what I had done. When it came out, it was that she had kind of interrupted something I was getting to saying. My trainer had done the exact same thing to me, and at the time I think I had been embarrassed, but it hurt my companion deeply, which was probably related to some other things she had going on that I did not know about.

She did various passive aggressive and less passive things, and I tried some things that did not work, and finally I told her that if this didn't stop I was going to have to contact the mission president because we could not work this way. We had a big difficult discussion, and I basically accepted the blame and apologized, and we went forward.

I really had to put my pride aside, and I could tell it was necessary. I needed to create a safe place for her, and I somehow managed. That is the good side of it.

The bad side is that I really did not do a good job of it. I was left with a lot of hurt feelings, because she had really been vilifying me, and while I had my flaws, I did not deserve that. Swallowing that left me really upset, and I wanted to talk about that, and yet I felt like I couldn't.

I'll tell you another story. At one point I was working with two other missionaries, and we were having a hard time getting any teaching done due to people being reluctant to set up appointments in advance. I thought it made sense to make phone calls before we left, because same day appointments seemed to be working better. My companions decided that it was important to leave the apartment on time. If I remember correctly, they tried making some pointed comments about obedience, and then they agreed they would just stand outside the apartment door while I did my thing, I guess to be good examples to me, or to shame me.

We all wanted to do the right thing, but I felt like if we were working, but still in the apartment, it counted, and they did not. If we had talked about it, they could have expressed why it felt so important to leave the apartment on time, and I could have expressed my concerns about us basically spinning our wheels, and perhaps we could have found something mutually satisfactory. Instead, I felt like they were jerks, and judged unfairly. We were not as effective as we could have been, and part of that was being less united.

(I am afraid I am not making missionaries sound that good. We try, but we are human, and usually young.)

So, I worked with the missionary I had offended and then reconciled with for a while, and we were doing well, and then I got transferred back to Fresno. My companion then was the second one trained by the sister who came into the field just before me. Both of her trainees loved her, and felt like they must be exactly like her, and my style was very different. This one had a very hard time accepting me, and it wore me down. I hit a pretty black spell, and then suddenly I got my other sister back.

Maybe the unresolved issues had contributed to the black spell I was in. Honestly, I don't know why it is so easy to feel worthless. I did not know then how common it was, though I am pretty aware of that now.

Anyway, she really helped me. She was there for me, she worked with me, and helped me crawl out of that black hole. Maybe she had to hold some things back for me. The point is, we took turns helping each other, and we were better for it.

It was with her that we switched our focus to working with members, which I know was the right thing for that time, and which possibly I could not have done with any of the others.

Humility is not easy. Love sometimes is and sometimes isn't. I just know that we are fragile beings, and everyone is carrying around hurts and insecurities that you can't see. I also know that we can help each other. We need each other.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 5: Book of Mormon

Building on last week, I wanted to write a little bit more about how the Book of Mormon was important for us.

It has a lot to do with the Spirit of course, because it brings the Spirit, and helps you learn. We had one investigator in Modesto who studied for a year without really progressing, and then he started reading the Book of Mormon, and things changed. We were teaching three kids together, and it wasn't going anywhere, but we got one to start reading, and she kept at it. Maybe that's why it became our focus.

You see, the problem in the San Joaquin Valley is that the first missionaries who started working with the Lao people, well, I don't know. They definitely had not been trained to speak Laotian, so there was a language barrier. I have heard stories about people getting baptized and giving a list to the branch president of furniture that they needed, so it is possible that the welfare program was abused. I wasn't there back then. I just know that when I did get there, it was like everyone was a member but nobody went.

That is a bit of an exaggeration. There were a lot of people who were not members, but there were a lot who were, and yet we probably only had about ten percent of the members in the branch actually attending.

There was the issue that they had made covenants that they weren't keeping, and how much they understood or had thought about their baptismal covenants was questionable, but still, they were missing out on that. In addition, it made it hard to teach others. If the Mormons are sitting in the card-playing circle smoking and drinking, it is hard to tell others that they should give that up and join.

So, for the last few months of my mission, Sister Metcalfe and I focused on working with members, both the ones who were going and the ones who were not going, and a lot of that was reading the Book of Mormon with them and encouraging them to read it as a family.

The thing is, getting people to church can be hard. A lot of them don't have cars, and you can try arranging rides, but sometimes we would do that and then the person would not be home when their ride came by anyway. There was a lot of room for things to go wrong there.

Getting them to read just felt right. And there were issues with that too. Often there were literacy issues, where maybe not everyone in the family read, or there were language issues, where the parents kind of understood English and the kids kind of understood Lao, but the generations were truly speaking different languages, but this was increasing their fluency in whichever language they ended up using.

Mainly it was something where we knew that they could keep it going after we were gone. Maybe they wouldn't, but they could, and we knew it would help them. We had a lot of good experiences doing that.

You know, it was before social networking. I did have addresses and I wrote some letters, and I got some back. There was one family I especially tried to keep in touch with, and then they moved and there wasn't a forwarding address. But in my mind I still see their faces, and I still feel how my heart felt when we were reading together. I know it's important. There are a lot of reasons why it's important, but I remember it for bringing families together, and rekindling testimonies, and bringing the Spirit.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 4: Recognize the Spirit

I know I am not writing anything great here. Last week I did not even post the blog links on Facebook or Twitter. Right now, I don't have anything on preparedness to share, because I am working on other things.

At the same time, keeping in the habit of posting something seems important for discipline, and also, doing this has been kind of good because it is bringing up a lot of memories from my mission. It's been a while.

Twenty years ago, I was in Fresno with Sister L. I do not remember the exact dates of when the regular transfer happened and when my transfer happened, but I remember the circumstances.

I did not get along well with Sister L. She was a widow, so much older, and stubborn and set in her ways. I heard things about her from other sisters that made me dread working with her, which I should not have listened to. The most frustrating thing about her was that if she did not want to listen to you, she would shut you out.

She was native Chinese whose family had moved to Thailand. So, English was her third language, and she actually didn't speak Laotian at all, though Lao and Thai are similar enough that she could generally communicate with missionaries and members and investigators. However, if you were saying something she did not want to hear, it did not matter what language you were speaking in, she did not understand you. Since we disagreed about a lot of things, this was frustrating.

The mission president had wanted to separate us because she couldn't drive at night, and I couldn't drive at all. I really had my hopes up for a transfer, but it didn't happen, and I realized that I had to be able to work with her. I had to make myself love her. So I worked at that, and prayed for it, and then they had special mid-month transfers that sent me to Modesto. It was necessary that I love her, but I only had to do so for a few days.

The thing is, I had pride there. She had her good points too, and I had a hard time seeing those, getting hung up on my frustration with her. There could very well have been things that I should have done then and missed out on because of my pride.

I mention this because I had two different times when the Spirit was strong during times that we spent with people, and I felt it, but other people didn't it, and that showed me that just because the Spirit is there doesn't mean that everyone is partaking. In both cases, pride was involved.

One time was with Sister L. We were reading the Book of Mormon with an older couple, and it felt important to do that. The Book of Mormon is chapter five, so I will write more about that in the next post, but it felt like the right thing to do, and I thought it went well. The husband was an old military man, and tough, but I knew he was touched, and I thought we were sharing something special. Then, after we left, Sister L started complaining in the car that we had treated this man like a little boy, just reading.

I know it did more good than a lesson would have done, and they were already members so we weren't trying to teach them for baptism; we were trying to help them be stronger members, and The Book of Mormon is good for that. For her, I guess it seemed like something anyone could do, and why would he want to just sit reading with the missionaries? She was very rigid though, and that was something she admitted later, in that she had kind of tried to be a robot. Departure from the norm was not comfortable for her. She did learn to be better about that, but she needed to do it with someone other than me, where I was so different in terms of being intuitive and organic, and so similar in terms of being stubborn.

This is already pretty long, so I am going to save the other incident for Chapter 6. Based on the chapter title, it looks like it will fit.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 3: Study and Teach

This section is a little longer because it goes over the discussions, such as they are. They have not exactly been done away with, where you go in with no plan other than to listen to what the Spirit says. Some structure is helpful.

There is still the point of reducing the chance that someone will feel that they should memorize the lessons, always give them in the same order, and in the same way. One thing that I was interested to find is that they give examples of different discussion lengths, so if you have five minutes or fifteen minutes or forty-five minutes, these are different ways of handling it. In that way, just by building in adaptability, it encourages adaptability.

I remember talking once with my mission companion that we would want to give the missionary discussions in a series of Family Home Evenings any time there was a child approaching baptism, because it's important to know the basics, and studying them in this manner helps you fit things together. It's not that you don't cover the material through primary and then mutual and other things, but actually putting the basics together over a short span seemed important.

One other change that I notice is that while the discussions always built upon each other, there is less assumption now that people will have the basics of Christianity and what's in the Bible down. This feels very natural to me. Most of the Lao people were Buddhist, and so we did go over extra material when talking about prophets and scriptures and the Atonement. Fifty years ago, most adults in the United States had probably been through Sunday School with some congregation. Today, that's just not very likely.

 And, of course, it builds upon what we have been getting at earlier, that you need to know the material. You need to know how everything fits together, and then adapting is easier. Things come to mind more easily. Questions will be asked that you have already thought of . It's good.

Preach My Gospel Chapter 2: Effective Study

I saw this chapter was about studying, and I kind of already wrote about that two weeks ago, but there was something in the lesson about lesson order, because again, the purpose is to teach with the Spirit, and it turns out I have a story about that too.

There was more structure to the lessons back in my day, and in the second discussion it was traditional to go over the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel (faith, repentance, baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost) and invite the investigator to be baptized.

When you were teaching baptism, one of the suggested scriptures was 2 Nephi 31, where it points out that even though Christ was holy, he was baptized to show obedience, so how much more necessary was it for us to be baptized? And it feels really natural after reading that passage to invite them to be baptized then, but the gift of the Holy Ghost and the part about enduring to the end was still coming, and really,  you should ask all the way at the end. Therefore, sometimes I would have the Spirit there really strong, and I remember feeling like I should invite, but decided to get back to it, and then it just made things awkward. We recovered, but it could have gone better.

The first problem is really a logical fallacy. We were asking them to be baptized on the second discussion out of six anyway; clearly it was possible to commit without knowing everything. Surely it would be just as valid to ask after principle five as principle seven.Also, if the Spirit is telling you to ask, just ask. Don't beat around the bush.

So part of effective study there could be the decision to save that scripture towards the end, or go through the four principles as a group quickly, or maybe to change it around based on how it feels with the investigators. Working with Lao people, who primarily had Buddhist backgrounds, there were some concepts we spent more time on because there was less built in familiarity.

I don't know how different being out in the field right now would be, but even here and now I periodically get asked questions, and it is good to have knowledge ready. It is perfectly fine to tell someone you will get back to them, but I know that sometimes that I have already thought about something and learned about it really helps.

Also, this reminds me of an old favorite, so I am going to link there:

http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2009/01/december-2007-scriptural-literacy.html

Preach My Gospel Chapter 1: My Purpose

I don't know that where I am going with this is the most obvious path for this chapter, but it fits in with some other things that I have been thinking about.

The Gospel is true. It is also necessary for salvation. These things are true. The plan accounts for a lot of issues though. So if people need more time, or more help, that is covered, and that's very important. I guess I have been thinking a lot about those who need more time.

We were talking about someone who is kind of messed up, I guess is a charitable way to say it, and my sisters were telling me that I needed to straighten her out, and, no, I really don't. I think she has heard all of the normal admonitions already, and they have not sunk in, and so all I could really do is prove that I am just one more person who doesn't get it.

The funny thing is, and we discussed this more, is that we actually know and love a lot of people who are messed up, and whom we do not try and set straight. To some extent, they already know for themselves what they should be doing. For that part that they don't know, if we did try and tell them, it would be alienating.

I realize I seem to be saying that you can't tell anyone anything, but that's really not it.

I'm going to compare it to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. If someone is starving, or in physical danger, you need to deal with that before you can address creative fulfillment and self-actualization. That is an oversimplification, and I think there is a lot of interaction between the different tiers of the pyramid, but there are issues that will block the acceptance of other truths. It doesn't mean that the person is not being difficult or shooting themselves in the foot - they totally could be - but there may just be messages they are not ready to hear. Focusing exclusively on that message prevents you from delivering other messages that might sink in.

I don't need to tell anyone what they already know, but I can't tell them something that is so far from what they do know that it is incomprehensible. So the first thing I start with is not telling them anything at all, but listening. And I do tell them some things, perhaps, little things, that can take root, but I don't need to hammer at anyone. People are not nails.

When you are a full-time missionary it is different, because you are pretty much focusing on people who are ready to learn now. Your time is limited, which necessitates a somewhat narrow scope. As a member missionary, caring about those around you, you can be in it for the long haul. Yes, right now her head is not on straight, but she is going to have some experiences over the next two years that will teach her things that she would not believe coming from me. If I haven't chased her away, we can talk about it then.

Obviously, there are limits to how much we can know, but there are no limits to what the Spirit can know, and the only limits to our ability to listen to the Spirit are self-imposed. All of those things that help us listen better, with scripture study, and prayer, and humility, are going to be easier, and we will have better motivation, because we love those around us.

My purpose as a missionary is to love. Everything starts and circles back to there.

Preach My Gospel: Introduction

I guess this is the easy week. The other thirteen chapters will be longer, and I may do one chapter a week, or break them down into smaller segments. I will see how it goes.

When I have tried reading Preach My Gospel before, I got bogged down. So much is familiar, but this still feels like what I need to do.

As I said, much of it is familiar. The missionary schedule is still pretty much the same as it was back then (1993-1994 for me), and you still have zone meetings and district meetings. Studying is mainly the same, but there are a few differences that I notice.

One is that the other allowed books for reading are different. If I recall correctly, back then it was Jesus The Christ, A Marvelous Work And A Wonder, Articles of Faith, and I think there was one more. It might have been True To The Faith but was definitely not The Miracle Of Forgiveness.

Now it is Jesus The Christ, True To The Faith, Our Heritage, and Our Search For Happiness. Our Heritage is new since then, but I am pretty sure I have read it. I have not read the other two. I may try and do that at some point, and compare.

I suspect the reason for those changes is due to the other change, which is an overall simplification. The direction they always try and send us is to listen more to the Spirit. This makes people nervous, and they look for scriptures, like memorizing things and adding visual aids.

I get that. I have also always been a bit more comfortable going by the Spirit for teaching and speaking, so that helps, but also, it's just so important to be able to do it in your life. You can't prepare for everything and figure out everything on your own, but being able to receive guidance and inspiration makes up for that. It is vital to sometimes know that you need to leave, or make a phone call, or say something, or even study something.

I remember once on my mission during my scripture study, I stopped on the part in the history where Martin Harris takes the characters and translation to Professor Anthon. The professor said the characters were Egyptian, Assyrian, Chaldaic, and Arabic, and I realized he was wrong. From The Book of Mormon, we know they were writing in the Hebrew language using Egyptian characters.

And, that does not reflect horribly on Anthon - not like the rest of the story does. Champollion was working on the Rosetta Stone just a few years previously, so this field was really quite new at the time, and that he would not know is understandable.

The point is, shortly after that, someone asked me about it, and I was able to answer. I didn't know why it came to my mind when it did, but I was going to need it. That isn't even flying blind, because I was studying in advance, but it was a general study for general preparedness for teaching, and it worked.

Trying something new

I have already indicated that I feel like I am at loose ends with this blog, in a temporary lull before I get ready to start my next project. I have thought about taking a break from it, but that doesn't feel right. A few things have gotten me thinking about what I am going to do.

I was thinking that something I should do with Aaron is to go through the different chapters of Preach My Gospel, and write about them, kind of like we were studying it together. I have sent him a copy already. I think that is what I will blog about, probably doing one chapter per week.

Of course, preparedness has always had a pretty broad definition here, so preparing to share the Gospel with people, and being mentally and spiritually prepared, is fairly reasonable anyway, but that is not the only reason I am doing it.

One is that Aaron's release date is getting closer, and I expect that to be kind of a rough adjustment. Anything we can do to make that easier, and be more prepared, is good.

Two is that it will focus my study a little, and I have been doing some backsliding there, so I believe that adding this component will be beneficial to me.

Three is that yesterday a friend was talking about this feeling of impending doom. She was comparing it to the pre-World War I feeling in Europe, that despite geographic and language boundaries, people in various countries felt like there was something bad inevitably coming. possibly due to a long period of peace leading to a decadence and ease that did not seem like it could last.

She added that a lot of people seem to be getting car kits and things, wanting to be ready. They may joke about the Zombie Apocalypse, but only the zombie part is a joke, and there is still a real fear.

Well, the world is facing some trouble, with economics and environment, and so many problems that don't even seem capable of being fixed. It's not a reason to ignore the environment or education or politics, but the most important things that we do seem to be the things that happen one on one. The most important comfort that we can give, and the most safety, and the most hope, come from the Gospel.

I have always been pretty good about letting people know that I am LDS, and answering questions, and I do that. I also am good about not pushing my beliefs, or only being able to talk about religion, which I believe is very important. Still, there might be room for improvement, and this might be the time for it.

I don't know where it will lead, but I know what I am doing for now. Situation normal.

Preparing to kick the habit

Well, that makes it sound a little more dramatic than where we are actually going.

The phrase "kicking the habit" may derive from the violent tremors that rock the body of someone going through heroin withdrawal, which is physically traumatic. I have no tips for this, but I suspect it is better done in a facility with people with medical knowledge around.

The reason I used the phrase is that I have noticed how strongly rooted thinking patterns can be. I'm not sure that it's entirely accurate to say that thoughts are addictive, but they are certainly habit-forming.

This seems especially damaging with negative thoughts. People will try and improve in various ways, but the inner voice that calls them stupid, ugly, and worthless is always at the background, and jumping forward with any little opening.

If you can make bad habits, though, it stands to reason that you can also create good habits. This first led me to think of the work of Émile Coué, who worked with optimistic auto-suggestion: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

That sounds like a crock, of course, but it got me looking into it a little more. His work was to help patients heal better from medical issues, making them feel like their medicine was better, and working at giving their physical health a psychological boost, which may have worked temporarily, at least.

For psychological improvement, I think it is too vague and too broad. I did do better in this way, but I completely failed in this, therefore "every way" is false, and I was actually worse yesterday than two days ago, and so on, until there is no benefit. I'm not sure doing positive affirmations in the mirror is helpful.

However, I do think that interrupting negative thoughts with affirming reminders can be helpful. These should be simple and true statements. I suspect it helps if they are rooted in goals. So, talking with one girl who struggles with an eating disorder, one thing she really wants is to be able to help her sister, for whom she feels a lot of gratitude. Being available to her sister means that she needs to be healthy, not in the hospital, and not being devoured with thoughts about weight gain, which is something she actually needs.

So, when those dark thoughts come, maybe she should be saying things like "I want a strong body", "I want a strong mind", "I want to be there for my sister". At some point it might be good to say things like "This is a healthy weight" or "My weight does not define me", but those are a little hard to commit to now.

We all have weaknesses, but I believe we all have strengths too, and we can accomplish the things that we need to. If we consciously choose our priorities, and figure out the basic components of those things (possibly in a long journal writing session), we can come up with a few key statements the reaffirm our priorities, and our worth, and bring them out when we need them.

It is so tempting to wallow in despair; there is a certain safety and comfort to it. Growing, and healing, is much more frightening. It is only fair that in removing the old source of destructive comfort, that you add a new type of comfort, and that it be one that is conducive to healing.

A lot of people like to turn to hymns or memorized scriptures when dark thoughts come, and that is valuable too. This would just be something more personalized.

I am a child of God.
I have helped people.
I want to help more people.
I need to be strong. That means I must take care of myself.

What do you want? What do you need? They go together more than you think, and maybe they are also what you deserve, if you can see it.

Preparing to be a good sport

Well, it starts with being a good loser, but I may expand a little. It all started with Jeopardy! Kids Week. Sometimes I skip it, or fast forward, because the questions are too easy, but there were some good moments here.

There was an absolutely adorable boy, Josiah, who seemed like a younger version of my friend Carlos, winning his day. There was one fast and knowledgeable kid, Skyler, who with aggressive wagering on Daily Doubles and Final Jeopardy who scored the third highest single day winnings with $66,000. That's coming in between Ken Jennings' top two scores, and he is a kid. That is amazing.

Then there was this kid:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/04/newton-thomas-hurley-jeopardy-cheated_n_3705048.html

I guess I am angrier about it because I am protective of Jeopardy! I love that show. I was on it!

(I wrote about it extensively on the main blog, in about ten posts starting on November 28th, 2011: http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-lost-on-jeopardy-baby.html)

I get that losing is embarrassing - believe me! I also get that adults tend to be more supportive than kids. While it is cool just to make it onto Jeopardy!, especially into a tournament, he probably will get some teasing about the spelling error, though I would be hard-pressed to believe that he doesn't get teased on a regular basis.

Still, the fact that he inserted an extra letter into "emancipation" shows that he did not really know the word - he only kind of knew it. It is a more glaring error than the adult who called the author of Twilight Stephenie Meyers. If he had spelled it "emancipacion", they probably would have taken it, but there is no such word as "emanciptation".

Here's the thing, it did not affect the final outcome at all. There was no way he was going to catch up to Skyler's 66K, and it didn't move him from second to third. It did not affect his winnings. He won exactly the same dollar amount that he would have if he had answered correctly, $2000.

Also, I don't know how far ahead it was filmed, but I am sure it was filmed ahead, so he has had some time to think about it, and he is still saying he was cheated. There was no cheating! It's like that kid from Spellbound insisting that they pronounced "banns" with a "d" at the end, and that's why he got it wrong.

(http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2006/04/inspired-by-office-part-2.html)

So I was irritated, especially by people sending Jeopardy! and Alex Trebek hate, but also I was thinking about this recent advice column letter, where a grandmother was concerned because her grandson blamed a strikeout on the umpire.

Okay, children reacting immaturely to losing is nothing shocking, but they do need to grow out of it, and adults need to help them. I think in this case, the parents are making it worse, so perhaps they have not learned to be good sports. That's okay, I think I can provide some helpful hints.

First of all, no one is perfect. Whatever you do, sometimes someone else will be better than you. Even with things you do well, you will sometimes mess up, and with most things to get to where you do them well, you have to go through some time where you are not so good. You really need to make your peace with this.

I used to try very hard to conceal weaknesses. I got this from my father. Without having thought about it too much, I guess there was this feeling that if people saw a weakness or caught you in a mistake, they would hold it against you.

Well, some people might, but two things that other people don't really like are people who won't admit mistakes, and people who make them feel inferior. I am really open about my weaknesses now, and a lot of people really like that. Perhaps it helps them feel better about their own shortcomings. We do all have them. If you really need to be better than everyone else to be happy, good luck with that. That's just a lot of pressure with low returns.

Also, you miss out on good stuff that way. I have seen so many articles on this kid who feels cheated, and not much on Skyler's achievement, which is amazing. I didn't even think about it, until I read a comment in one forum, and I realized, that's right. Okay, he may seem a little overbearing, but he clearly has some self-confidence and a willingness to take risks, and maybe that's more worth paying attention too.

Maybe this isn't so much actual tips, like remembering to congratulate others when they beat you, but I am thinking more about the point of view. I can be happy for your success. I know my individual errors or failures don't make me a failure as a person - not as long as I am still trying. My behavior comes from that.

So, if you suspect you are being a jerk (possibly because someone says you are one), it might be worth spending some time thinking about what's important, and letting that lead you to chucking your ego.

The more you know!

Preparing to give first aid

This is a very short one today, but I think it is important. Recently a contact on Twitter was posting pictures from his old first aid manual from 1971. Some of the information is still good, and still how we do things, but others seem a bit outdated. Mainly it was fun for the pictures.

Then today in Parade, there was a quiz on first aid, and I did pretty well on it, but there are some where the wrong response seems similar enough to the correct response that it could seem like a valid thing to do. It was also a reminder that even though there are things that I have always known were wrong, there are people who have believed it was correct, like putting butter on burns. That is a bad thing to do. It won't help, and can actually make the burn worse, but I know someone whose father did it when she was burned, and it was even suggested in a fiction book. The character did not put the butter on, but the book did not point out how bad of an idea it was.

Sometimes this is because we learn by doing, and our knowledge evolves over time. We know how to do CPR better now than we did twenty years ago, though it still saved lives then. Sometimes it's just that people get ideas that may seem instinctive and logical, but are wrong. That would include the butter, and also the very natural instinct to remove a sharp object that is stuck in a person. It has injured them, so is bad; removal feels logical. It just also may really start the blood gushing.

Also, no matter how often we have updated training, we don't use these skills a lot, and we can forget. I think I have had to use direct pressure to stop bleeding once, and even then the amount of blood coming out was small. I have never given CPR.

So this is just a reminder to refresh those skills, so that when something does come up you can make the situation better instead of worse. And starting with the Red Cross makes a lot of sense:

http://www.redcross.org/lp/american-red-cross-first-aid-training-courses?

Preparing to not drown

Short one today, but I often get frustrated when something that is repeated a lot, so that really everyone should know and have it down, has not actually entered the general consciousness. There are many, many areas where this comes up, but the one that it makes the most sense to bring up for the preparedness blog, and to bring up in summer, is this very obvious thing:

Jumping into cold water on a hot day can kill you.

Sure, that may sound like an oversimplification. Obviously some people do it without dying. It's kind of rough to be the person that does die, though, and in addition to the trauma suffered by the people who care about you and the complete strangers who are in the area, and have their day ruined, sometimes people die in rescue attempts as well. Have some consideration for those around you, and don't do anything stupid.

Of course, don't do anything stupid is not terribly specific, so we can expound on this a little. The big one, and it seems to be the one that people take into account the least, related to the difference between water temperature and air temperature. Water does not heat up as quickly as air. It does not cool down as quickly either, but that part is less of an issue.

On a warm day, going suddenly from very warm to very cold can send you into shock. Shock is treatable, if dangerous, but going into shock in water means that you are now in danger of drowning. You may just sink, or you may get caught in a current, and not be able to help yourself.

I guess there is a loss of fun spontaneity when you don't just jump right in, but there is a lot to be said for checking out the water first. It gives you a chance to adjust to the cold temperature, and to check for hazards. Many people have suffered spinal cord injuries while diving. Even if you have been in that spot previously, you can't assume that nothing has changed. Water is all about change.

So, those things seem very obvious. We lose swimmers and divers every year, in the same spots and in the same way, and there is just no need for it.

Also too obvious to mention, but I will do it anyway, watch children, and make them wear life jackets, and remember that alcohol impairs your ability for everything.

Now for something not well-known or obvious, that should be seen more:

http://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/8-quiet-signs-of-someone-drowning/

I love swimming, and it can be a lot of fun. It just requires a little bit of thoughtfulness.

Preparing to give compliments

Last week one of the trends on Twitter was #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay. As it was trending, this indicated that many people were using the tag while telling girls they were beautiful, which was great. I thought of a few girls specifically to wish it to, and I did. Most of them were really appreciative, and I believe it was helpful, so I was glad of that.

Other people put comments out there like how it should be done every day, that we should be valuing girls for reasons other than their physical appearance, or how it was an excuse to ogle women and make inappropriate comments. Those are all interesting points, but possibly missing the point.

It is a very natural thing for a person to want to feel that their physical appearance is pleasing. The pressure for this is worse on young women, and I just don't know any who are happy with the way they look.

And so many of them are so pretty! If they were looking at someone else with those looks, they would think she was beautiful, but they just can't think that way about the self. Some of that is conditioning that liking yourself is vain, and then you are stuck up and awful, and some of that is the advertising industry that spells out every thing that is wrong with you and requires a product to fix, and some of it is negative reinforcement from peers. The overall message is that girls need to be pretty, and that no girl is allowed to feel pretty, which isn't really great for anyone, though some take it harder than others.

And, yes, there are qualities more important than looks, but so many girls have a hard time feeling good about any other qualities too, and you can't force a girl to feel good about herself. (I also know that there are boys who struggle with this as well, but the system is stacked against girls worse at this point, and it's the point of view I understand best.)

So, the first thing to understand is that as much as the girl may want and need to feel good about herself, that she is pleasing and good, she may be very resistant to the idea. She may feel obligated to contradict you. If she is out of that stage, where she knows she should thank you, and she should not show you that she is internally screaming about how wrong you are, this compliment is very stressful.Even if she is fairly well adjusted, making too big a deal of it will probably be uncomfortable.

This may sound like you should just avoid the whole fiasco, but don't. Because we only see our own inner struggles, most of us look better to everyone else, and sometimes it can be really helpful to get that outside view. The issue is then to be as effective in your praise-giving as possible. Being simple and specific really helps.

Some people like overdoing it. "You're perfect!" "You're gorgeous!" "I'm so jelly!" Going this route may work sometimes, but it is often too much. Whatever other doubts the listener may have, they are absolutely certain that they are not perfect, and if they are so gorgeous, shouldn't that be bringing people to them? Why are they so alone? Because it is so unbelievable, it increases their need to contradict.

However, they might believe that their hair looks great, or that they have pretty eyes, or that something is a good color on them. They may not be able to accept "so smart", while being able to accept "you did a good job on this project."

Staying specific is less grandiose, which helps make it easier to accept, but it is also more personalized. I have to really be paying attention to notice that your shirt matches your eyes, or that you have a nice voice. "Perfect" doesn't really require much thought.

And, don't make too much of a deal of it. If the subject of the compliment goes into full contradiction mode, it's okay to just smile and say, "Well I thought so" and move on. You probably aren't going to transform anyone with one comment, but enough people caring, paying attention, and affirming the good they find could change the world.

Preparing to take a life

This title is somewhat of a misnomer. I don't actually want you to take a life. However, I think it happens too often when people are not prepared. Also, I might be sounding a little harsher because I am angry.

I am angry that George Zimmerman was acquitted. By stalking Trayvon Martin on his way home, by getting out of his car, despite the advice of the 9-1-1 operator, Zimmerman created the situation. Even if things happened exactly as he said they did once out of the car (which I doubt), that situation was still created by Zimmerman. There was no reason to believe that Trayvon would not have arrived at his father's house without Zimmerman's interruption.

So there's that, and yet, the jury acquitted him. When you don't have trial by jury, the system is open to certain abuses, but trial by jury has it's shortcomings too. I hope the civil case goes better, and I hope people are more aware of ALEC and that it loses some influence.

For now, I also hope that Zimmerman's conscience tortures him. That may be too much to ask, but he did something really venal, that can't be fixed, and I at least believe that he was not prepared for that. A friend had commented on how he seemed to be in over his head, and I don't doubt that. Becoming so was largely self-inflicted, but I do think there is another problem here that is worth exploring.

Guns do not kill people on their own. That it true. However, they do make killing much faster and easier, and that's worth taking into consideration.

If you are hunting to feed your family, this is a good thing. The gun does not require as much physical strength as a bow and arrow would, I think accuracy is easier, and the propulsion of the bullet is going to be much more powerful than a spear you throw (even if you have an amazing arm), increasing the likelihood of a fatal shot rather than a glancing blow.

If you are home alone and someone is breaking in, and you have children there, and are concerned for their lives, being able to warn off, and if necessary, shoot the invaders, is again something that can be
helpful.

However, it is no small thing to take a life, and once you make it easier, you also make it more likely, and that is the time to have serious thoughts about what you can and cannot live with. For example, I saw a news story recently where the residents of one neighborhood with a lot of thefts were putting up "Glock block" signs, to indicate that they are not going to just call 9-1-1 - they will shoot:

http://dailycaller.com/2013/06/20/grandma-organizes-glock-block-to-shoot-neighborhood-criminals/

Now, the organizer had a break-in also, and I get that feels different than simple theft. I also get that there is a sense of violation with any theft. My mother and I have both had fraudulent activity on our bank accounts. We have had multiple bikes stolen, and I have had my purse and wallet stolen at different times. This causes inconvenience, and anger and feelings of helplessness, and I totally get that. I also know that none of those things would carry the death penalty.

This isn't a new thing. When I was a teenager there was a rash of "jockey-boxing" going on, where kids would break into cars and steal whatever was in the glove box. One man found a kid going through his glove box and fatally shot him, and faced no charges, because it was legally treated as a home break in with justifiable self-defense. I don't know what was in the guys glove box, but I doubt it was worth a human life, even when the human was a thief.

And you know, I have been ready to kill someone before. That's not a joke. I was walking on this path through the woods going back to campus, and this guy riding a back came up beside me. He started talking and being sexually suggestive, which was creepy, and I kind of told him to get lost. He did ride off, but I saw that he had only gone a short way ahead, and when I stopped, he stopped.

It ended up being fine, but it felt threatening. I took it seriously enough that I went back to a different dorm in case he was still watching, because I didn't want him to know where I lived. And I didn't fear for my life; I was worried specifically about sexual assault, which again, does not carry the death penalty. However, I remember thinking that if he tried anything that I was going to kill him. There was not going to be any wounding or disabling, and leaving him as a potential risk. I was not going to stop fighting until he was dead.

I'm glad it didn't come to that, but yes, if it is to prevent death or rape of myself or a loved one, yes, I would use deadly force, and consider it justified. Despite all of that, I believe it would haunt me. I believe I would feel guilt later, and question if there had been another way that I couldn't figure out, and that's how it should be. If I don't care about taking a human life, even justified, I am defective.

So, how are you going to feel if you kill someone over a bird bath on your lawn, or some maps in your glove box, or a stupid cycle of feelings of inferiority that result in you carrying a gun, but that also makes you feel more aggressive and you end up picking a fight?

Guns have a weird mental affect on people. They get tied up with feelings of masculinity and patriotism and righteousness, where you will have families of people at a risk for suicide who are advised to clear the guns out of the house, at least temporarily, and they won't do it.

What I am asking for, though, is very clear thought. If you are interested in owning guns - and there is not automatically anything wrong with that - you really need to go over the following:

• Why do you want them?
• What uses are likely? (intended and unintended)
• Would you be able to part with them temporarily to protect members of the household?
• What results can you live with?

All over the place

This blog is kind of a hard one for me at times. With the main blog, there is always an abundance of materials, and I may struggle with what order to put things in, or when I will be ready to actually say what I want to say, but ultimately pacing myself is the biggest issue. There is also usually a very logical order to the travel blog.

With this one, it started as a way of capturing newsletters, and then there were no more newsletters, so I stopped, and then it felt important to go over the basics again, and now I do not really know what I am doing, which I am afraid may be very obvious.

Usually where it works is that I get into a project of some kind, and that's where the material comes from. I think I am on the verge of a few things, so this is just sort of an update on what is going on, so future directions may make sense.

The main thing is the troubled teens. I have started my reading, but I haven't actually blogged about the list. Part of the problem there is that it is sort of a moving target. I keep thinking of other things that would possibly fit, and be helpful. To some extent, it will probably never really be done, but there will be a point I am sure where I will start writing about it. Some of it will probably be on the main blog, but some of it could be here.

I have read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, and have checked out Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher. This is for suicide, of course, but The Bell Jar is about mental illness as well. For school and social issues, I am reading Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman (I should probably watch the movie Mean Girls too), and will read Behind the Mask: Adolescents in Hiding by Dennis Rozema.

For social and image issues, I want to read Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. Because the internet is such a big part of how we interact, I will also read You Are Not A Gadget by Jaron Lanier. Also, because I have heard it is about how there are healers, sufferers, and carriers, I am going to read The Plague by Camus.

The one that I think will personally resonate the most with me is In Search of Fatherhood by Kevin Renner. I have read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, but at the time I knew I would need to read it again, and we seem to be there. I thought it would be because I had daughters.

I don't really have anything specific to eating disorders, but if I can find a good book on it, I will. I think I am adding The Feminine Mystique now as well. So many of the issues that these girls face have answers in feminism, with equality and empowerment. I don't know that this would be the best book for it, but it would be a starting point.

In addition, I am currently doing my Black History month reading. I know it's late. I have finished Test Ride on the Sunnyland Bus by Ana Maria Spagna, and have Mirror to America, by John Hope Franklin, checked out. The other two will be Before the Mayflower by Lerone Bennett Jr, and Slavery by Another Name by Douglas Blackmon.

Also, I need to read more poetry, so I will be getting a book of poetry each by Langston Hughes and Sylvia Plath, and will be reading For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange which goes with multiple areas.

There are a couple of music books going in there as well, which relate in different ways, but basically, all of that goes together, and will probably take up most of the summer, but I hope to know more and be able to be more helpful. There are so many issues with mental illness, bullying, societal pressure, grief, and abuse, that it is an impossible task, but it is possible to be more informed, and that's what I'm trying.

The other thing I am thinking about is economics. People are trying to stretch their dollars and make career and education decisions, and there should be much better options out there, but if I can find information that helps, I am going to go for it.

Preparing to have the right balance on self-esteem

This post is inspired by something that appeared on Fox and Friends:

http://www.upworthy.com/fox-news-spends-6-minutes-describing-why-mr-rogers-was-an-evil-evil-man-5

I understand if you choose not to listen to the full clip; it's pretty nauseating. Also, it misses the point, but that's a big part of the job for this network, as well as inventing false points, so we can't be too surprised there.

I admit, my years of watching Mister Rogers are pretty far past, but I don't remember a lot of messages on how special we were. I think we learned things about what it was like being shy, or having too big a head, or being too small to do some things, or when you might need to apologize, but that the overall message was "I like you just the way you are."

Perhaps the biggest problem with the Fox news segment is that they are complaining about a generation that is probably post-Mr. Rogers anyway. Kids in college now may have watched some, but not the way people in their forties now did. Again, it's Fox.

And it's not necessarily that we can't overdo the self-esteem building. I remember attending a kindergarten graduation in the early nineties where the kids sang (to the tune of Frere Jaques):

I am special, I am special
If you look, you will see,
Someone very special, someone very special,
And it's me, and it's me.

I did think that was kind of hideous at the time, but I seem to remember that one coming from Barney.

Anyway, yes, we should be working to correct our mistakes, improve our talents, and to accomplish some actual good in the world, not just accepting responsibility for ourselves, but caring for the greater whole. I have nothing against that.

However, there is something very important about the message that each person has intrinsic worth. God loves you, because you are His child. I am supposed to love you, because you are my neighbor.  You are also supposed to love me, but it is not my job to judge whether you love me enough, and are really worthy.

It is important for children to know that. Understanding the value of hard work is good. Believing that it is necessary to be perfect in order to deserve love is bad. Believing that every bad thing that happens to you is a sign that you are bad, and that if people are cruel to you it is because of your flaws, and not theirs, is bad.

The network founded by Rupert Murdoch referring to Fred Rogers as an evil, evil man is so wrong, it's kind of funny, but it's also very sad.

Preparing for convenience

I used to ride my bike everywhere. I parked it at the side of the house, and this system worked for years. Then bikes started getting stolen. I had one stolen from school, while it was chained up, and another stolen from the house.

I did eventually get another bike, but being unable to keep it outside, it ended up hanging upside down on hooks in the back storage. I never ride it.

That is something I am going to have to deal with eventually, but for now I have other things going on, where sometimes the hassle is an issue. I am working on drawing, and on learning bass guitar. Part of being successful with both of these endeavors is returning to them on a regular basis. That is involving rearranging my room.

It's not really such a big deal. I merely need to move some things out of the way, so I can put the things I need where I can grab them easily, instead of needing to dig for them. Doing so pays off. When the sketchpad is in the bottom drawer, underneath things, I may still grab it, but the odds go way up if it is on top of the dresser. There is the convenience, and there is the visual cue of having it in sight.

In the case of the guitar, it actually involved purchasing a bag, because I was so worried about damage I was keeping it in the box, and getting it in and out of there was an ordeal. There is still making myself do it, and figuring out ways to improve, but the reminder is right there, and it helps.

It occurs to me that there are probably other ways to apply this. When there are areas where I am having difficulty, I can analyze that difficulty, and look for ways to make things easier.

We all have enough struggles. If we can find a way to give ourselves a boost, we should go for it.

Preparing to love yourself

This is kind of a continuation of last week, but kind of different.

One thing I didn't get to, though I had thought about it, was that homophobia correlates highly with repressed homosexuality. The science is very clear. I suppose it's possible to have the one without the other, but they trend together. Not long ago a friend and I were joking about how perhaps the best response to people making negative comments about homosexuals would be to say "I'm sorry you're struggling with that." Given the opportunity, I may use that.

On a more serious note, it made me think of various people who fight so hard against any legal rights, and then get caught in airports or bars. Some of them may just be horrible hypocrites, and it's easy to write them off that way, but then I wonder if anyone is trying to hate themselves into Heaven, and that makes me sad.

(And yes, I do wonder if that's what Fred Phelps is trying to do. It wouldn't make him not despicable, but it's still really sad.)

I think about it more because of my troubled teens though. With self-harm and eating disorders and suicide attempts, that is very literal physical abuse, but it starts with verbal and mental abuse, as they tell themselves that they are ugly and worthless and nobody wants them and they deserve the pain. They don't deserve to feel good.

If they try and give up the self-harm and relapse, they pile on even more about the disappointment and failure, but what I also see with the eating disorders is an attempt to flog themselves into perfection and worth.

One very valid reason that it does not work is that it is a moving target, and accurate perception is lost, so what they see is not what they are, and what they want is not healthy or safe. The other thing that I have really seen, though, is that they need to quit hating themselves. All of them.

I used to think that weight loss would fix everything for me, and I could never manage it, but it's too much pressure when everything that you want depends on it. If they could like themselves, and forgive themselves for having a bad day, they actually could heal. If they knew how to like themselves, though, they probably wouldn't have gotten there in the first place.

The rules are pretty much the same. You need to develop talents, and have enjoyment of things, serve others, and try to live well. Also though, you have to be willing to be okay with yourself. It becomes this rule that you are bad and must know that you are bad, or it will all fall apart. That's actually what tears you apart. It doesn't make sense, but I see it everywhere.

So, I guess the first thing to ask yourself, regardless of what other life goals you have, or where you are, is whether or not you like yourself. Do you find yourself good? If not, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Let me just put a little wedge in there, and plant a seed, that you are not the horrible creature that you think you are. You have flaws, as do we all, and they are understandable, and relatable.

The flaws can be worked on, and that's important, but your worth is already there. You are valuable now, exactly as you are, and your added value will come not from your outer beauty or from the evaluation of other people, but the kindness that you perform. And anyone can be kind.