An Introduction to Dominator Culture

A model of society where fear and force maintain rigid understandings of power and superiority within a hierarchical structure.

I first saw the term "dominator culture" in the writing of bell hooks.

She didn't even do much to explain it there, but the phrase just hit me: "That's it!"

I saw many problems that could be traced to racism, but it wasn't always racism. Sometimes it was sexism, or class.

"Patriarchy" sometimes seemed like a better word. It gets used a lot, and it is often accurate.

But then sometimes you notice it isn't a straight top-down model. 

I came across the word "kyriarchy", which can be a set of connecting social systems built on oppression. That came from Elisabeth Schüssler Fiorenza in her book But She Said: Feminist Practices of Biblical Interpretation.

Honestly, the book doesn't have much on kyriarchy. There is a chart, but it is still pretty vertical.

(The book is more a work of exegesis -- critical interpretation or explanation of a scriptural text -- going over the different versions of the Syrophoenician woman requesting healing for her daughter. As far as that goes it is pretty interesting, but it was not what I had been looking for.)

Even racism seemed pretty clear, but then there is how it gets internalized, and how there is racism plus anti-Blackness, which maybe makes "white supremacy" the overarching concept, but then there is still misogyny and misogynoir.

The common thread was that there were those who had a position above others that allowed them to feel superior. Even when they were not openly abusive they would allow oppression to occur. Maybe they felt vaguely threatened, or doubted that things could be that bad for others if it they were not personally experiencing it.

So for that phrase "dominator culture"... okay, that could be any power system, and it does not get enforced merely by those at the top because having someone below them placates even those who are relatively far down but still not at the bottom.

The term itself comes from systems scientist and author Riane Eisler, popularized in her book The Chalice and the Blade (1987).

I recently saw the movie Origin, based on Elizabeth Wilkerson's book Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents (2020) and her writing progress. 

If you have read it (or seen the movie), it may make more sense for you to use the word "caste" instead of "dominator culture", and that's fine.

I stick with "dominator culture" because of that moment when I first encountered it and my feelings about how perfectly it fit. It made a strong impression on me that still reverberates years later.

It is normal that there will be lots of other words that come up as we look at specific interactions, between individuals and within a society. There are lots of examples and we can spend a lot of time on it. All of those other words that may not describe the whole may still be completely accurate for various facets.

There are two things that I want to point out first, and they are part of what makes it so insidious.

First, even if you are more consciously aware of who is above you, that less conscious awareness of those below you is easily threatened. 

Adherence to the status quo is going to benefit the existing power structure. People have a strong discomfort when that status quo is attacked, even mildly. It tends to be emotional rather than intellectual, and it is hard to get people to face it.

Going along with that, we do not think about how much we take it for granted.

I read about The Chalice and the Blade before I read it, and saw that the opposite was "partnership culture". 

That gave me low expectations; is it really so helpful if the people in charge are a married couple instead of just the husband?

It's not about that. It's just people being equal and supported.

Here's another thought for you; what is the opposite of patriarchy? 

We immediately think "matriarchy", with the women in charge, but what if it's not automatically like that?

More equal societies are generally called matriarchal, usually because some things are passed down along matrilineal lines. Maybe another factor is that we associate patriarchy so much with oppression that we think that the only other option is to give the power to the other gender, but still based on gender. 

To be fair, if you are passing down hereditary things from father to son, with paternity being a key issue, it is easy for that to require control of women. Maybe it makes sense that it becomes oppressive, but is it necessary?

What if people just fill different roles based on their skills and their interests and needs?

Can we even picture that?

The difference

I have mentioned previously that I don't enjoy church as much as I used to.

Egotistically (perhaps), I blame that on the other members.

I remember a time when it seemed like talks and lessons were all more spiritual, and the people were just the best. It was a pleasure to learn and socialize with them.

That actually started changing a long time ago, but I have been thinking more about the reasons.

It's been over a decade since I was in a singles ward, but I remember noticing the change there, gradually.

I remember thinking it was because the population had gotten so much younger. 

Now, when I first started going to Canyon Road Ward, I was eighteen, so I may have overestimated the ages of some of the other members. There was a fairly large contingent of dental students, but that would probably still be early 20s.

As I got older and the general population of the ward stayed in their early 20s, I did notice a shallowness, but attributed it to age.

People were not as service-focused, and more self-absorbed, so it made sense that they wouldn't be as spiritual. I guess I thought they needed more time.

You can become more caring of the needs of others as you get older. but it doesn't happen automatically.

You can also put other people's needs too much over your own. There is a balance to be achieved, and it doesn't happen easily, but it seemed to be happening less and less. What was the cause of that?

There could be several reasons that people are generally more selfish and less spiritual; there are many currents in society that could contribute to that. There was one thought that was more disturbing to me, which is probably why I am writing about this now.

I have told this story before, but I don't think it was on this blog.

When I was a child there was a serial killer targeting prostitutes. It must have been the Green River Killer for this particular story, but there have been a few notorious cases.

Someone I knew and loved from church said it looked like someone had decided to do some cleaning up. 

I was disturbed by it, but I was also sure that if she was confronted with a prostitute in need that she would see their humanity and help. She might not sympathize in the abstract, but in the personal, I believed she would.

I still think and hope I was right about that, but I have started to wonder if part of the new hardness of heart is that we are confronted by differences so much. Was it easier for church members of the 70s and 80s to be loving and kind because we were all so homogeneous? And that was not just at church.

I am influenced by growing up in Oregon, which has historically been very white. When I was younger, it was more common for gay people to stay closeted.

I hate philosophy, but I read a fair amount of it because sometimes I believe it's important to understand the influences and the points of view. 

Often, their end goal seems to be to produce stability (at least with political philosophy), but it is amazing how often their answer for that is to make everyone more similar, as if we can't handle getting along with people who are different from us in some way.

This is my long and roundabout way of wondering whether the reason that some church members are such jerks -- especially about gay people or racism or any other bigotry-adjacent subject -- is because they have to admit they exist and previously they didn't need to?

And the corollary to that is that while I have mentioned dominator culture here and there, I want to spend some time being explicit on it.

Being here

There is a parable of laborers in the vineyard where more workers keep joining later, and they get the same pay. The early laborers expected that their pay rate would be raised, compared to the others.

(Matthew 20:1-16)

One thing I have always thought with it is that the earliest workers were blessed for having more time in the vineyard; there is joy and peace in that. 

No, maybe not if it is literal harvesting of grapes or olives. I have harvested grapes and it can be hot and dirty, and come with muscle aches as you keep going.

However, if we are looking at it as having knowledge of the Gospel, having the gift of the Holy Ghost, having faith, hope, and charity... that is a blessing.

I am happier having that.

There are factors that I know may not be universal.

I have a fairly cheerful disposition, and rebound from disappointments pretty quickly, most of the time. That is not true for everyone, and it is probably a factor that makes things easier for me.

At the same time, I feel like my relationship with Heavenly Father and the influence of the Holy Ghost are a part of that resilience. I have times that are tough and hurt a lot. Faith is not an anesthetic, but it does help make things bearable.

My sisters and I are tired all the time. There may be other reasons, but I think part of it is this slow loss of our mother. It wears us down, but we don't despair over it.

That may be a blessing of discipleship.

We have one friend who sees the potential for people to not be interested in church membership because of all of the work, from church attendance to fulfilling callings.

I don't see it that way.

I mean, we have had many Sundays where we did not make it to church on time. Right now, with two of us working on Relief Society activities, nights when there are activities are lost nights. 

So, I do get it, but also I find it rewarding. 

Well, not church -- not as much as I would like it to be (that is a change) -- but visiting teaching and ministering and callings have all been good things for me. I have learned things and developed talents and built friendships, and I think there is a lot to enjoy there.

Of course, a lot of people don't do them, but I think they are missing out.

Now, there is one other area where I think I have it easier, and this is a hotter subject. 

I don't have any immediate relatives who are LGBTQIA+.

I had not thought of it so much until a friend asked me if I had any advice for something related to their child. I felt a little bad that I did not have much to offer, but I realized the potentially good part of that is that I don't have to guard anyone. There might be times when others need to limit their words to protect a child; but not me.

(I have written this before, but I decided a long time ago that while I have no plans to leave, if at some point excommunication comes up and it feels like my integrity dictates that I accept that, I will.)

So I know people for whom it would be much harder to feel comfortable at church, and who have had other members actively work against their comfort. I hate that, but I do not face the same impact. While there are people that I care about a lot, none of them are people that I feel compelled to protect. (Yes, that could change, but it still won't be parental.)

What I am leading toward is that there should be joy in your faith, even with the pain. 

There are things that can make it very hard to feel that joy.

If that is due to other people, it may be hard to fix, but if there is something in you that needs to change, work on that, for your sake and for the sake of the joy.

And if you are not sure, this is an area where you can seek wisdom.

For all of our own imperfections -- individually and collectively -- God is perfect and can make up the difference.

Happy Easter!

I don't know how I would get by if I did not believe in life after death. 

I know there are people who don't believe in it and they somehow still survive, so there must be a way to reconcile it.

Also, I periodically have that question about if I were wrong, would I be okay with this life? The answer has so far always been affirmative, so I guess I have worked it out in the hypothetical.

It is still so important to me that I do believe that I will see those I have lost again, and that there will be that chance to talk again.

It doesn't change that life is hard and that separations are hard.

Having new chances to say things doesn't change that you should not delay saying them.

It still helps a lot.

I believe that Jesus Christ was resurrected, and that because of that everyone who has lived will be resurrected. I am grateful for that.

I wish you the hope, comfort, and guidance that you need. 

Making Sundays more meaningful: Goals

Honestly, I am not the best person for tips on how to keep your Sabbaths more holy or to get more out of your church attendance. I don't rule out improvement and that I might have something to pass on later.

For now, there is one thing that I have been liking a lot.

I have a lot of things that I am working on, some of which are going to play out over months or years.

Recently I started breaking down some of the longer goals into shorter sections, and looking at indicators for knowing that I am staying on track.

That has included creating a weekly list of thing to accomplish, which has become a part of my Sunday journal session, including breaking down what things I should be working on each week.

That includes looking at the last week's goals, going over each line and what happened and what didn't. Then I write out goals for the new week.

I break those goals down further on a daily basis.

One thing I am working on is clearing out old e-mails, most of which require some reading. Generally I will pick a section and then plan on reading two per day, so a daily goal is reading those two messages.

I try to keep things realistic; my tendency is to be overly ambitious, but I have gotten better.

I still miscalculate sometimes, whether that is regarding what a task requires (like starting something on a web site and finding out you need to wait for a letter before you can finish) or just what my schedule will allow.

Last week my plans changed on the Monday. 

One thing came up unexpectedly, throwing off the start, but more badly than I would have thought possible. I realized that I needed to do that particular sequence on a different week. 

Ultimately, that deferral was a logical adjustment; not sticking to the plan did not make me a terrible person.

Being able to feel that way does show some personal growth, so that is a part of it. In addition, making these extended plans means that for all that I do not accomplish, there are still things that I am accomplishing, and the average setback will usually not affect the long-term goal.

Obviously it is important to keep perspective.

Part of that is also allowing myself to appreciate the things that did go as planned, and sometimes even better.

There can be this weird taboo against ever appreciating or liking yourself because of pride, but that's a misunderstanding. Pride is when you think your good qualities and accomplishments make you better than other people. 

Constantly berating yourself is not humility.

If I were doing this too ambitiously and failing a lot, or if I were not allowing myself to adjust as a reasonable thing, this could be very damaging.

As it is, it has been affirming. I am accomplishing things I want to do and seeing my progress, and I feel good about it.

The Most Important Part

That's a dangerous title; when you have so many things that are important it is probably not useful to try and rank them.

For the purposes of this series of posts, though, there is a point, in that you have to feel it.

I feel like I have mostly completed going over where the gospel is logical and it is good. I had thought about spending some time on the good things about various commandments, and I still might, but there is still a point where the logic does not work if the feelings do not engage.

I am reading quite a bit about grief now. It is a common that painful things at least temporarily damage faith: God should not have let this happen!

These posts went over that too.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/02/agency.html

There can be good reasons to not go to church, and I do not intend to judge any of them. There can especially be specific environments where attending wounds the soul. It would be placing an unfair burden on the wounded to fix what is wrong there.

That's not what I am talking about.

This is again something that happens very naturally but is wrong.

Sometimes we don't seem to know what is good about righteous living, so we concentrate on fear of wickedness. 

(This is why I was thinking of extolling some of the commandments.)

In a case like this, it may be hard to feel the presence of God, or His love or approbation or any of the things that keep one going.

Fear does not tend to help you feel the Spirit.

I am going to refer to a book that I did not think was very good: Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence. I don't think it was actually about codependence, which was probably it's biggest weakness.

I read it, though, because someone I knew mentioned something she had learned from it: when a parent does not allow a child to have imperfections, it impedes their building a relationship with God.

We have to approach God in imperfection -- it's the way we exist -- and Earthly parental patterns can easily overlay our Heavenly ones.

Honestly, I am not sure exactly how I -- with my father as he is -- was able to build a good relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's kind of amazing.

I can only explain it in that He does reach out for us, and we can reach back.

So even if you have no desire to go to church, I hope you do desire a personal relationship with God. That relationship needs to be developed and preserved and obtained.

I know its value.

I know it is possible.

Individual paths may vary, but it can start with a desire, and with a question.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/02/just-talking.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/03/changing-things-up-scripture-study.html

Ordinances for everyone

I have written a little about choosing already, but a different aspect.

That post was about choosing between domination and salvation, or recognizing the type of plan that we are given, and therefore how we have to live it.

For this post, it is more about committing to that choice, which we do via ordinances.

First, let me tell you about my own baptism. 

I was eight years old, and in many ways the strongest memories for me art the family friends from our previous ward coming over to support me, and the excitement about that. 

I do not remember much about feeling any change when it happened, but I do remember thinking that I would be totally clean so I would need to be very careful not to sin after that, and stay clean. 

I didn't last very long. I have never been a huge sinner (though recognizing the importance of any of our errors is very important) so I don't really remember what I did specifically, but it was probably squabbling with one of my sisters, or maybe not doing something one of my parents told me to do. Without remembering the specifics, I remember the lesson that good intentions don't always work out.

The fun part is, this puts my eight year old self on a similar level of spiritual maturity with Constantine the Great, whom tradition says waited until his deathbed for baptism, so that he would be in the least danger of polluting his soul again.

The better lesson from my story is just to accept that we will need repentance, and that should lead to gratitude for the plan and the atonement and Jesus Christ.

Maybe learning that makes it easier to understand other lessons there.

The decision to delay an ordinance in that way is based on fear, making it not work well as a sign of faith.  

I suspect that leaving that safety in place also affects how well you go about doing good. I mean, it's not counting yet, right? You are going to start counting later... that seems like it would really put a damper on things.

This is where we circle around to the where I started, about how beautiful it is that we do work for the dead:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/01/with-all-my-heart.html

The steps in the plan have their purposes and they matter, but the lack of availability of parts of the plan is not a permanent obstacle.

Everyone is capable of rising to the highest they can, but it does take choice.

There are many things that are hard about it, but it is also beautiful.

It also works, no matter how badly we children of God try to muck it up, which gets us back more to the things that I am normally writing about.

Regardless, God is good. 

I know that, and I will try and make my life show that, despite my many imperfections and how annoying so many people can be.

I will carry grace for you and for myself.

Changing things up: scripture study

I was thinking it's time for another "tip" post.

That is mainly because I was thinking about some of the different things I have done for scripture study over the years, as well as how they have come about.

My scripture study started when I was about 8 or 10. I happened to look up from drawing on the program during sacrament meeting, and the speaker said you should read the scriptures every day.

That made an impression.

There were gaps, but I did eventually make it all the way through the four standard works. I think I was about 13 when I got there. I would miss nights and then plan on reading more the next day, but eventually a habit was formed. I did not get a lot out of it that first time through, but I did get some things.

At one point I asked a bishopric member for books he recommended, leading me to read A Marvelous Work and a Wonder, Jesus the Christ, and The Miracle of Forgiveness. I did go back to reading the standard works. 

I got more out of it the second time, but there was still a lot that didn't sink in. Sometimes my attention wandered or I was bored, and it was questionable whether any of the words sunk in. However, I kept going, and different things made impressions here and there.

At times I have tried different things. When I was preparing to go on a mission, I read the Book of Mormon in every language I had studied at that point: French, Spanish, and Italian. I thought I might end up using one of those languages on my mission.

Laotian anyone?

I have taken Institute classes. I have read with my family.

Many of the scriptures that are important to me were first noticed because someone else was sharing it, and what it meant to them. Sometimes someone else's context provides extra resonance.

Currently, I am reading through conference talks. 

It was something I had wanted to do, but it seemed like too big an undertaking. Then it wasn't, though there was still a false start. 

I don't think it was so much that I procrastinated as that I first had the idea before it fit into my life.

It started out kind of awkwardly, and then got into a rhythm. Then I started remembering these really great Ensign articles about different parts of the Old Testament and the Book of Mormon. So now I am also reading Ensign articles that go along with the topic at hand. This month, that means looking through the March Ensigns for 1992, 1996, and 2000.

(I am keeping up with the regular reading in Come Follow Me as well.) 

I have these Institute manuals that I have tried to bring in before, but then it didn't work out. I think after I finish the conference talks, then it will be time for them. Maybe.

I'm not necessarily recommending any of these for any one person, but there are three things that I will say for anyone.

1. The knowledge we gain from reading the scriptures is important. Prayer is how we open communication with God but the scriptures facilitate that communication.
2. I believe that we can get guidance on what will help us and what we need specifically.
3. I know that gaining greater understanding takes time and persistence. That time that you put in is a worthwhile investment.
   

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2009/01/december-2007-scriptural-literacy.html

Week off

I was traveling this weekend. I thought I could still post, but for a good post it's better to take this week off.

Wishing you well.

Endurance

I am very sad and angry today.

I am going to write about that Tuesday, on the main blog. It does still influence my thoughts today.

What I have been writing previously relates to our having a loving Father in Heaven, and that the more we know about the revealed plan of salvation, then the love and the logic unfolds. 

That includes the existence of suffering and people being terrible, but what I must not neglect to mention is that it hurts. 

The pain is real.

Going through it is hard.

That is the pain of living, and the pain of living as others die.

Does having perspective on that make it easier?

Ultimately, in some ways it does, but it still hurts a lot.

That pain can make you more compassionate, or it can make you resentful and cruel.

That may not feel like a choice, but it is and it's a choice that is vitally important.

Justice and mercy both get satisfied, and healing happens. Eventually.

Hold on to love.

 

 

Agency

So often when I find people who don't believe in God and are angry at the very idea of God, it is because of the suffering that is allowed. In other words ...

Why do bad things happen to good people?

It is easy to look around and wonder when there is so much that is clearly wrong, and so based in cruelty.

Obviously, that happens through the choices people make.

Previously, when I have thought about that, I have thought about how I ultimately do value my ability to choose, and would not give that up easily. In addition, I know that I have learned and grown from making these choices. While it would have been hard to have said at the start of any trial, Yes, I want to go through this, I usually can see the value in retrospect.

Recently I have been thinking about another aspect of that, with Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac.

It seems like such a cruel request, and something that under other circumstances would be seen as sinful. 

I believe that both Abraham and Isaac learned and grew from that, and they were willing to submit to it. 

I suspect that part of what they learned was a greater understanding of the Atonement, and the roles of the Father and the Son in that Atonement, along with its saving power as there was a substitute provided for Isaac.

It seems likely that for where they were already at in their spiritual journey, that's what was needed for their next step toward completeness.

Yet still, it seems cruel and makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

So, being here with all of us running around making choices, rather than having every single trial custom-made for us by God, turns out to be pretty effective. With understanding of the plan we also don't have to feel like God is picking on us.

We can get closer to God, asking for support and understanding. We can feel our own healing through the Atonement, and we can have assurance that all will be healed in time, for us and for others.

All of those are remarkable things. I am grateful for that knowledge and learning. I am wiser and my heart is more tender.

I'm not saying it is easier, and I am not saying I am never angry. This is the other thing that's important with that.

First of all, we should do anything we can to help and not harm. This can involve giving time and money, speaking comforting words and writing petitions and it may even include demonstrating or stepping into a conflict at personal risk. Knowing the best thing isn't always easy, but we care, we believe in doing what's right, and we believe in helping.

Ways we might get this wrong include assuming that everyone suffering brought it upon themselves. That is the common Republican failing. 

The common Democrat failing is deferring to power too much, and going too slowly. 

The common Progressive failing is getting mad at the Democrats -- apparently believing that all of the delay is choice, as opposed to some things actually not being within their power -- and then being spiteful and dishonest. It includes making new problems for other people instead of helping the original people.

I mean, there are a lot of ways of being wrong. As we get closer to an election, I am sure I will spend more time on those.

Still, the overall point is that we all have agency, and that is what we need, even though there are things that are hard about it.

Our successful navigation of that will require prayer and humility. It will leave us kinder and more loving, with more grace for others and ourselves.

If your primary feelings are contempt for others -- for almost everyone, in fact -- you are probably not where you need to be, but I hope that you get there. 

I hope that we get there together. 

Just talking

As I am holding forth on the logical, it seems like every now and then there should also be some tips. 

If so much of this is predicated on a father who loves us; what if you don't know or feel that?

There are parents who can make that much harder. Sometimes even I am surprised that I don't picture Heavenly Father as similar to my earthly one, but I feel very fortunate.

When we teach people to pray, we focus on things like using respectful language, starting by addressing Heavenly Father and closing in the name of Jesus Christ, and that we both thank for what we have already received as well as asking for what we want.

There is nothing wrong with that, and remembering those things is important. 

I especially get the value of both remembering to thank and ask. When there is a pressing concern, it is easy to just focus on that and forget all of the good things that have happened or are available. Sometimes you just want to launch into the concern because it is overpowering all of your other thoughts.

Remembering that structure can be one solution; No! I've got to thank first!

Doing so is probably good for keeping perspective and not catastrophizing.

I am going to add two other possibilities.

One is that if you have prayers that are heavy on the asking, you could also at times have prayers that only thank, or one where you thank for many things and then only ask for one thing. Praying more often and thinking about the kinds of prayers you are praying can be great.

The other thing is that in the realm of asking and telling, there is not only thanking and asking. Sometimes you can just pour out your heart.

I am sad. I am scared. This really hurt. I couldn't believe he said that. Is this ever going to get better?

Okay, that last one is asking again.

It turns it into more of a conversation, and one where you demonstrate faith (or at least begin to) that someone is there.

You might worry that it is a one-sided conversation.

It's not. You may not immediately feel it.

The greatest gift of healing through the Atonement I ever had came after just pouring my heart out until it was empty one night. I did that and I felt nothing.

I don't know whether it had been so emotional that I didn't realize I poured out my pain, or if it needed more time, but in the morning it was just gone. It took me a while to realize it, because I had gotten so used to hurting. I just know it worked.

I can't rule out that part of the value is that taking your troubles to God is a sign of faith that you matter; you are important enough that God listening to you is reasonable.

I do know that is true.

Knowing and choosing

As I am leading toward the need for prophets and for covenants, I want to spend a little more time on what kind of Savior we get.

I acknowledge that it is easy to hear and read about the love and the humility and submission and still come away with a dominator culture feeling. I think that is a very powerful impulse in humans -- the "natural man" if you will.

If you keep rejecting it, it does largely lose its hold over you, but there is a lot of societal reinforcement. It takes a conscious rejection, choosing that you are not going to try and control others, but that you are going to love and help them as the individuals they are, not the minions you reward for conforming to what you think they should be.

Thinking along those lines, it strikes me that there are specific things about the Savior that were easy to reject, but that are important to accept.

One is that he was not a political savior. He did not come to cast off the Roman yoke, which is what many people were hoping for.

He could have done that, just like he could have kept feeding multitudes, but that wasn't the essential thing.

Looking back, we can see so much in the scriptures -- Isaiah, sure, but not only Isaiah -- that was telling that all along. It is a lot easier to understand prophecy in retrospect. Read Revelation and then see how much you think you know about how it will unfold. 

People get interesting ideas, like maybe the "scorpions" are tanks. Even if that is a correct conclusion, that comes from knowing what a tank looks like now.

I remember once there was a space probe going up that if it crashed back to Earth would have been an environmental disaster. I thought maybe that was Wormwood, the star falling and poisoning the waters, but it didn't crash, so that wasn't it. 

That was many years ago.

I make that point because I don't want to spend a lot of time judging people who didn't understand things. The truth is, prophets are more valuable in their calls to repentance than in what they tell us about things that will happen. 

There is value in the assurance that comes with the foretelling. I am grateful to know that there will be a return, and a resurrection, and that our souls are eternal.

There is also a harm in spending time thinking that I am better than all of these past people who didn't know what was what.

Looking at others to feel superior to them is also a step in the wrong direction, not great based on knowledge, perhaps worse if basing it on physical strength or wealth.

Potentially, I might do even worse by trying to make up for my lack of those things by aligning with someone stronger and richer who thinks that might makes right or that laws are only for controlling poor people.

As much as I have felt some of these things in my heart, and as much as the scriptures are not one hundred percent clear on anything (and what comprehension or use could you have for something that told you exactly how Earth was created?) those teaching have been helpful to me in my journey.

Sometimes it is just that as I start reading one thing I get an idea about something else. Surely the Holy Ghost is an important part of that.

There are still things I would not get on my own, and there are people who would struggle getting it on their own (or not try), so those witnesses are important and needed. They come from liable mortals who have strengths along with their weaknesses, as do we. That is not only why the Holy Ghost is important but also why we all need repentance. It all goes together.

And as important as it is to have prophets, and scriptures, and to read those scriptures and to listen to the Holy Ghost, then I want to make this point too:

When we commit to the Savior (but there probably will be another post that gets into ordinances), we are committing to a Savior who promises forgiveness for sins in a way that focuses on the healing of both the sinner and the sinned against, and that involves humility and sacrifice.

We are accepting that we do not get to force our beliefs upon others, even for their own good.

We are accepting that the spiritual is more important than the temporal, even though what we can give others in terms of food and healing and time is something we will give generously.

We choose that partnership, accepting that there will be trials that refine us, but finding that there is joy and sanctification in that process.

My Redeemer Lives

In going over how perfect and logical some things are, that does not make them intuitive. 

Many years ago I remember reading Robinson Crusoe. I was surprised to find a part where Crusoe is trying to teach Friday about his religion. While the drawing toward "God" seemed fairly universal, only revelation could explain about Christ.

Certainly other religions do have stories of suffering gods, and perhaps resurrection (Dionysius and Osiris come to mind), atonement for sins is different.

I remember a unit on Egypt with a picture of the heart being weighed against a feather. I was fairly comfortable that I had done more good things than bad things, so if those were weighed against each other I would be okay, but all of my heart against a feather?

And yet, that is what we believe, that we need to be free of sin. That happens not by leading a perfect life, but by repenting, and by having your sins cleansed through the Atonement.

It takes a while to grasp the importance of it. It is easy to feel like you aren't really that terrible, which is probably true. Then you might not feel the need, which is still wrong.

It is not just that Christ has paid the price for our sins. It is also that he has paid the price for the healing of those wrongs caused by the sins.

We can cause a lot of harm without meaning to, or perhaps even knowing what we have done. As we grow in charity, we learn to care about that, but as we grow in wisdom we also see the impossibility of making things right on our own.

We will also often come up against the apparent impossibility of healing on our own, whether the injuries are from our own choices or the choices of others.

He even brings our dead back to us, or us back to our living, as the case may be.

There is a way, and the way in which it was worked means that we are also understood. Everything that makes it hard to be good and kind and grow and not just do something stupid in a minute that causes problems for years...

He knows all of that, and loves us. I don't know whether that love is because of or in spite of. It might be both.

It works.

That is how life is eventually fair, and better.

That is how God can be kind, even with suffering in the world.

That is how we heal.

God is good

Thinking about this next writing segment, I wanted to spend time on how so many of the doctrines we know are the only things that make sense, where in the long run everything is fair and has good outcomes.

I had a hard time getting started. It seemed like perhaps the issue was a need to demonstrate that the doctrines would have to ultimately be fair to everyone. 

I believe in a loving Father in Heaven who cares for his children and wants what's best for them. I forget that may not be a given. 

In high school, one of my friends had "Who created whom?" written on her notebook. I didn't appreciate the skepticism, but despite my belief in our origins, people often do believe in a god created in their own images: spiteful, petty, and vicious.

The other memory that comes up was from a book about the Salem Witch Trials and the hysteria. There was a verse about infants dying without baptism being a sin, but because they had not had a chance, they were promised the "easiest seat in Hell". 

With a god like that, who needs a devil?

If what I am going to write about are things that are necessary due to love, then that love needs to be a given. 

I can't give you logic for that; very logical minds have come up with hard and uncaring universes, and so have illogical minds.

That's not anything against logic, but it does have its shortcomings. 

There are topics when we need to be led by faith and intuition, but there are answers out there. In the church we refer to the Light of Christ. We can build on that light, and be helped by the Holy Ghost, and build our own relationship with God.

That's the starting point.

There are obstacles. 

I remember reading a book once about codependency. I didn't think it was a great book, or even that it really described codependency, but the insight that I felt gave it some worth was that parents who don't let their children make mistakes make it difficult for their children to build a relationship with God. 

That self-recrimination for imperfection makes it hard to approach someone who is perfect, especially when our parental models make us feel worse about that imperfection. 

There is a lot of pain in that, for which I sympathize, but I also promise that people who have too high a belief in their own perfections also have difficulty building a relationship with God; they just have their difficulty in a different way.

I still know it is possible. There are answers available. That there is acceptance and patience and help.

So often when people say "God is good", they are saying it after getting an outcome that they wanted. 

When you are hurting and you still know it, and when that is your pattern, that is part of the path to something better.

Wherever you are along your own path, I invite you to seek more.

With all my heart

It was probably about two months ago that I saw someone I respect complaining on Twitter about learning that her late great-grandfather had been baptized. That wasn't his religious background, they would not tell her who did it, and she was very upset.

Now, it is possible that the person who submitted the name could have been a second cousin she didn't know. It could have been a more distant relative.

I felt bad that she was upset, and concerned that a lot of it came from perceptions that the Church is full of awful bigoted people. That may not be completely fair, but there are some grounds for that impression.

While many shared her aggravation, some tried to defend it, saying that no one was forced to accept the ordinances. That is true but did not help.

Someone else suggested baptizing someone into the Church of Satan when they died, as long as that was the reasoning.

That is accurate enough; if you were to baptize me by proxy into another church, I would not accept it. No one has that kind of control over anyone else, and that is a good thing.

One key difference is that the motivation for that would be pretty spiteful. Spite is not a good religious motivation, though I can't rule out that it is present sometimes.

When I have submitted names and done ordinance work, it has been motivated by love. There was also often a sense of urgency for various reasons, where I felt that it was desired on the other side, and that people were ready and waiting. It was still love that made that matter.

It was also love that was often felt keenly while in the temple, as if I were receiving it back.

I am writing about that for two reasons. 

Firstly, there is too much spite in the world and not enough love; I want to get my vote in there for love.

Also, while I know that I am regularly critical (though my intentions are to help and I hope my motivation is love), I also have faith and devotion.

It would be easy to get caught up in the criticism, and lose faith; I am not doing that.

(I acknowledge that there will be people who think I am having faith wrong.)

About a year ago I spent some time on gifts that strengthened me, for similar reasons. I am not nearly as negative as I could appear to be.

So I intend to start this year with some faith affirming posts focusing on the restored gospel, which I believe in, even while being fully aware that there might be problems within the institution, members, and even leaders, but where I nonetheless stay.

I do this not just to affirm the truth, but also to affirm that those imperfections are not always reasons to leave. I also acknowledge that for many people leaving has made sense, and doubtless felt like the only possible response.

I know that, but also that we need to have grace for each other, inside and out.

I know that we need to love each other.

With all my heart.