December 2009 - Preparing to move forward

We have now covered areas to think about, dating, and receiving answers as part of the larger topic of preparing to get married. Those topics are helpful if you are ready to get married, or close to ready, but sometimes there may be obstacles that need to be overcome first. These roadblocks can make it difficult for us to reach out to others, or be accepted by them when we do.

Having spent a lot of time in singles wards, I know that it is common (and easy) for the women to write off the men as stupid and immature. Even if there is an element of truth to that at times, I remember once looking at a handful of men and seeing their individual issues. Yes, there were some who just were held back by being shallow, but for others issues included fear of not being able to provide for a family, belief that a handicap would not be accepted, confusion over the meaning of a line in a patriarchal blessing, and struggles with same-gender attraction.

My first thought was that there was no one solution for each of these individuals, but on another level there is. Ultimately, all stumbling blocks are best resolved through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

The difficulty with writing about preparing for marriage is that men and women usually have somewhat different roles and experiences with the process, which is also true here. Often a single man can deal with his key issue, and then he can move forward and find someone and be accepted, whereas a woman can go through the same process and still not get asked. However, knowing what to look for in a companion is good for everyone. Knowing some keys to successful dating is good for everyone, and knowing how to receive answers to prayer is certainly good for everyone.

By the same token, overcoming personal weaknesses will at least make your own life better, and more joyful, regardless of your marital status. It will also make you a better companion should marriage come along.

Finding the correct area of focus can be difficult. This requires looking at our situation with clear eyes. Pride may make us reluctant to face our weaknesses, and fear may make us reluctant to face our pain. Ignoring a problem usually does not work in making it go away, though. Usually the problem will only get bigger until we get to the point that we can’t ignore it any longer and we have to either just rebel completely (wrong way) or accept the broken heart and contrite spirit and finally become workable. This second option is better than openly rebelling, but probably inferior to actively working to seek out and correct weaknesses, praying and repenting all along the way.

I had a mission companion who had been abused as a child. She had dealt with it and had counseling at the time, but certain situations in the mission field brought back memories, and she needed to deal with it again, visiting a counselor and seeking a priesthood blessing. One lesson to take from this is that you should not be surprised if something you thought you had down comes back. New life experiences and knowledge come along, opening up new aspects, and you may have to revisit some issues. That may feel discouraging, but it is really okay.

That was a good lesson, but the one that really struck me at the time was how much her healing resembled repentance and forgiveness. It seemed wrong, because I knew she hadn’t sinned, but she was healed through the Atonement, and there are ways in which the healing is the same. When we work to overcome weaknesses or wounds, there are going to be some similarities to the process of repentance.



Recognition and Remorse: Do you know that you should get married? Do you want to?

If we are going to be completely open and honest, which is necessary, than you need to know that there are no wrong answers. Maybe the answer will need to be changed, but don’t be afraid to find out that a change is necessary.

If you do not feel like you should be pursuing marriage now, what should you be doing instead? Maybe it will not happen in this life, or maybe you need to serve a mission first, or go to school, or make a career change, or go into therapy. The Lord may not tell you everything you want to know about your future, but He is usually pretty good about giving you what you should be working on right now.

If you do know that you should be working on marriage, but you don’t want to, why not? It could be immaturity or reluctance to take on responsibility, but it can be more complex. There can be deep fears and wounds and false beliefs that we sort of sense are there, but we don’t want to examine them because we know that there is pain there. The first step to moving forward is finding out what it will mean for you.

Restitution, Reforming and Resolving: Now that you know what to do, the real work starts.

What lies ahead will be hard, but there are several promises that we should bear in mind.

Ether 12:27 – And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness…and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

The scriptures have many promises about requests for knowledge being answered, but there is also this specific promise that not only can you know what your weaknesses are, but that they can be overcome. His grace is sufficient unequivocally.

Moreover, we are promised many times that God loves us and knows us. We know that He is good and wise, not just knowing our abilities and what will come, but also understanding our trials. We also believe that the purpose of our being here is that we may have joy (2 Nephi 2:25).

What should follow from putting all of these things together is an understanding that God has a plan for you, and following it will bring you joy. You do not need to be afraid of any answer that you receive, because the end result of obedience will be joy. Every weakness that we find can be covered by grace. When the weaknesses prevail, and there is sin, it can be covered by forgiveness. In addition, there is a plan in place for the healing of all pains and restoration of all missed opportunities.

That is not meant to invalidate anyone’s current pain. It is hard. We know a “broken heart and contrite spirit” is necessary, but when you’re actually in the middle of one it doesn’t feel refining—it just feels horrible. That is when you need to cling to a belief in all of the promises that you knew were true before, and in time you will understand the gains that came.

This is where you learn that the Sunday school answers are not merely platitudes—that prayer strengthens you and keeps you on track, that studying the scriptures allows you to remember them at key moments, that you cannot maintain your testimony without attending church, and that you cannot feel good about your life if you are not serving others. Your eternal perspective grows, your charity is increased, and you feel better about being you.

After all, taking on your favorite sins and greatest fears head-on is hard, but dragging them around for years isn’t exactly easy, either, and it does not have the same rewards.

November 2009 - Preparing to receive answers

In our series on preparing for marriage, we have gone over dating and some things to look for when considering marriage. Regarding those things to look for, it was a small starting point for a vast topic. You can read many books and studies about what will predict a happy marriage, and may find the information useful, but it is still very much a question where you will want some help. You can have a good idea of what a person is like now, but your Heavenly Father knows the full extent of both of your personalities, how they will combine, and what they will face in the future.

This type of guidance is amazingly valuable, and we have been told many times that we can ask in confidence. Each person is born with the Light of Christ so that they can sense good, and know when they are choosing good. As members of the Church, when we are confirmed we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost, but it is given as an action: “Receive the Holy Ghost.” God providing answers is not enough; we need to receive them.

Elder Richard G. Scott gave a wonderful address in the Saturday morning session of Conference, “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance”, and we will refer to his talk at times.

First of all, we need to be able to recognize what the Spirit feels like. It is not always the same. There may be chills, or warmth, but you can feel either of those things without it being guidance. There should be a feeling of peace, and an increase of love, and motivation to do good, but what will be most prominent to you may be different from what I notice, and we may feel different things at different times.

You can expect to feel the Spirit when you are doing and learning things that are good. You may feel the Spirit while praying, reading the scriptures, attending church or the temple, or serving others, so pay attention at those times, and develop an understanding of how spiritual promptings feel. I find that I often receive promptings as I am working on family history. I won’t have enough information, but an idea will come about how to search or where to look, and I will find what I need. You may find similar assistance in working on your calling, or thinking about your home or visiting teaching routes, or thinking about how to share the gospel. Those are all areas where you can expect to receive assistance, so frequently participating will help you build up a pattern of enjoying the Spirit.

One thing I especially appreciated about Elder Scott’s talk is that he gave two examples of receiving inspiration that involved very different circumstances. In one case, he was in a class being taught by an earnest, humble leader anxiously trying to help his class understand important principles. The love and faith of this teacher inspired Elder Scott, and he received inspiration about his own responsibilities.

In the other example, the instructor was an educated person trying to show off knowledge, and although this was not inspiring in one way, in another way it taught a lesson to Elder Scott, and again led to him receiving insight. Good speakers and teachers invite the Spirit, and may make receiving guidance easier, but the other kind cannot stop you. In each case, Elder Scott was in the place where he was supposed to be, both physically and spiritually. That “place” included a mindset of looking for inspiration.

Technology has helped us in many ways, but this is one area where it can hurt. We have devices where we can listen to exactly the music that we want, or see the movie we want to see in the palm of our hand. Information that once required weeks of research in a library can be looked up on a cell phone and then sent as a fun fact to our friends in a text message. We have the options of instant gratification and constant distraction. We should not get too used to that.

Listening for the Spirit requires study. There needs to be quiet time, where we can hear faint whisperings. We may need to pore over a passage of scripture, reading it several times, writing in our journal about it, and then reading it again.

Elder Scott relays a rather lengthy process for going over the promptings he received. First he wrote them down, then studied them to make sure he had accurately captured the information. He made changes where necessary, until he was sure he had captured them correctly. Having captured the thoughts, he then considered the information as it related to his own life, pondering the application of the revelation. Then he took the information he thought he had learned back to the Lord in prayer, asking for confirmation that he had it right. This led to additional promptings, to ask if there was more, and there was. Repeating this process, he got the information that he needed. It took work, but it resulted in great blessings, for which he expressed gratitude.

There must be a pattern of asking. We are expected to think for our selves, so we do not pray over every small thing. It would probably not be appropriate to do so. We may pray about seeking a spouse, or what school or career to choose, but make all smaller decisions on our own. This may be going too much in the other direction.

Even if we do not always have questions that ask “yes or no” or “which”, we should always have endeavors where we can pray for guidance. We should be trying to align our will with our Father’s will, and that means that we are looking for ways to improve and ways to serve. As we find these ways, we must act on them. The answers may not always be what we were hoping for, but if we trust in our Father’s superior wisdom and love for us, it would be foolish not to follow His counsel. Notice that Elder Scott’s follow up questions were to make sure that he had it right, not hope for a different answer. The Lord may let you try your own wisdom if you keep asking, but usually you will just be reminded that He is wiser (D & C 10).

We need to know that answers will not always come easily. Oliver Cowdery was admonished to study the matter out before asking if it was right (D&C 9). We may sometimes receive an answer quickly when the situation calls for it, but more often we will need pondering, and time for quiet reflection.

I am amazed and humbled that with my hectic life and undisciplined mind, I can still be given important knowledge that I need to accomplish the tasks before me. The Spirit is generous, and as we rise to the occasion that generosity will be multiplied. It is easy to ask for things and events, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is much more available if you will seek guidance and act upon it in your daily life.

October 2009: Preparing to Garden

Bulbs are usually planted in October, but in most ways the garden is winding down. Still, a big part of preparedness is the planning ahead, thinking about what you want and how to get there. Now is a perfect time to think about spring.

The counsel to plant a garden is well known, as are the benefits. Gardening tends to improve muscle and joint strength while decreasing blood pressure and keeping the mind active. Gardeners tend to eat better, as they can incorporate more variety and fresher ingredients into their diets. Although the initial outlay can be expensive, in time it can be a cost-savings. In addition, there are various pricing models available, depending on your resources and needs.

Young singles may end up staying in the same place for a long time, but since being single feels like a temporary state, often our residences feel temporary even as the years pass by. In this frame of mind, it is hard to feel motivated to tear up a patch of ground and commit to planting and maintaining it, even if you have the space. Many of us do not, living in apartments with nothing more than a small balcony.

Again, there are many different options available. I live near some housing where the residents have about eighteen inches of dirt before it slopes down several feet into a ditch. This has not stopped one of the families from having a garden. They set up a wooden frame that hugs the side of the house. It is only eighteen inches wide, and probably about five feet long, but they nonetheless get a pretty impressive crop.

Those particular units are single-story, so everyone has some ground—just not very much. If you are up on a second story, you probably don’t even have that, but you might have a small balcony, on which you can set up containers.

Container gardens don’t hold very much, but they are a start. It is a chance to practice, and prepare for when you are ready to till actual ground. The also have their own advantages: you can bring the plants in for severe weather, you have complete control of the soil and water, and it is also easier to keep weeds under control.

One plant that grows well in containers is the tomato, and now you have even more options with tomatoes, because there is the technology to grow them upside down. This can increase your available patio space, as you can have plants on the ground growing up, as well as plants growing down from above. This method can be used for other plants as well, but works best with vines with lighter weight fruit (so cucumbers or zucchini would work, but probably not melons.)

If you really want to be creative, you can look into hydroponics, or building a grow box, but these projects can become overly expensive and ambitious. If you are just starting out, it may be best to start small.

You have probably seen small plastic cartons shaped like greenhouses with small pots and soil disks. Even if you don’t have the patio, and all you have is a windowsill, you can grow something. These sets usually focus on herbs, but I once had a set that grew strawberry plants from seeds, which I later transferred to a planter. Most of the possible items will eventually require transplanting, but in the meanwhile you have several months of watching the seeds sprout and grow and develop. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with having produced something, and eventually you could be eating strawberries, or using fresh herbs in your homemade tomato sauce.

Perhaps you are thinking that you would never be interested in making your own tomato sauce, and that leads to an important point. You should grow things that you will eat, or you will lose most of the benefits of having a garden.

This is not just about what you plant, but also how much. If you plant more than you can eat, and do not have a way to preserve the output, your efforts may go to waste. Sharing with others can be a wonderful solution, but then if they don’t have a use for it they feel wasteful. (This is a common issue with zucchini.) Learning what your yield will be and how to use it is one reason to start slow and expand gradually. Maybe you need a whole row of green beans, but only a very small radish section.

If you are not a huge fan of vegetables now, don’t give up just yet. One drawback of our current agricultural system is that most food is shipped a long way, so plants are bred so that the fruits and vegetables will travel well, not spoiling too quickly or being too squishy. Unfortunately, the best travelers are often not so flavorful. You may be surprised at how different something homegrown can taste.

Obviously, going through an entire cycle of planting and harvesting to find out if something tastes good could be a frustrating process, but we have a valuable resource in this area with the many farmers’ markets.

At the markets you can sample varieties that grow locally. You can do this by purchasing, but many of the market stalls will have free samples, allowing you to get an idea. Even if a sample convinces you that no matter what heirloom varieties are available, you should never grow Brussels sprouts, it is still interesting to see them on the stalk.

Sometimes they will have recipes, and ideas for preparation. In addition, assuming the farmer is not too busy, you may even be able to get some tips on growing. If the farmer is too busy, the Master Gardeners will not be, and you can find tips and information from them:

http://extension.oregonstate.edu/mg/

Want to learn more? Look for books on the subject. Even if you are an absolute beginner, not only is there a Gardening for Dummies book, but the for Dummies series has installments on container, organic, herb, vegetable, and fruit and vegetable gardening.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, or to start small. One challenge asked people to start with just a four foot square plot on May 1st, which seems modest, but still requires property, and a rototiller, and maybe even fencing before it can be successful. It’s okay to start with a small pot and build up skill. Actually, doing it that way is probably better.

September 2000: Preparing to date

I recently read an article in a women’s magazine about how to find Mr. Right. It said you should ask yourself three questions:

· Is he a good man?
· Is he crazy about you?
· Is he willing to grow with you?

If you can respond, “Yes” to all three, you should be able to have a happy marriage with him.

These are pretty good questions (though I suspect that there actually needs to be a fourth question about feelings of attraction towards him), but these questions presuppose that there is someone to ask those questions about. They aren’t really about finding Mr. Right so much as recognizing him when he appears.

In much the same way, the July newsletter had great questions to think about if you already have an individual in mind, but many of us have not yet reached that stage. We may not even be close. This is fine. Making the transition from single person to temple marriage involves many steps, and you have to start from where you are. This month we are focusing on dating.

For the some people, dating can be the hardest part. They are good at getting answers to prayer, and setting goals, and doing all righteous, spiritual things, but secular socialization, flirting, and finding the confidence to ask someone out feels completely different.

If this is you, take heart. Although at times it will be awkward and painful, it is temporary. Yes, you should ask your spouse on regular dates, but by then your fear of rejection should have subsided. Honest communication will still be important, and can still be uncomfortable, but it will be with someone who has made an eternal commitment to you. You just need to steel yourself to get from point A to point B, and then the playing field changes completely.

When it comes to fear of dating, remember that the fear is often worse than the actuality, and so after the first few times, you learn that, and the fear ebbs. Fear also often comes from self-imposed pressure and false mindsets. We can review a few things that should help.

First of all, you need to take away any expectations for immediate success. A few years ago we had a string of couples getting married where each of the men was marrying the third girl he had dated in the ward. Three is not necessarily a magic number, but getting to know other people is helpful in discovering your own needs, and what means compatible to you.

Since you are probably going to have to date more than one person, both parties need to remember that a single date is not a promise. Multiple dates are not necessarily a promise. (Though if you hang out with her all the time, and are not dating anyone else, it’s going to start feeling like a promise.) A date is merely an agreement to spend some time together, with no strings attached. You do not have to ask her out again. If you do ask her out again, she does not have to accept. It’s special when you both want to see each other again, and that’s why we’re doing it, but it doesn’t always happen and that is perfectly fine.

There are obligations, but they are the normal, human obligations of being a good person. You should be kind, honest, and respectful. Sometimes the answer will be “no”, but that should never be a cruel “no”. (It may need to become a very firm “no” if someone is not getting the message, but it can still be honest and respectful.)

It is also good for men to know that women tell each other things. If you are rude, dishonest, or unkind to one female, news may travel to others and can be held against you in the future, though you may not know what the specific reason is. If you are aware of any behavior that could use an apology, it’s best to just get that out of the way.

Now, I realize these are written as if the male is doing the asking, but this is the common expectation. Some people feel more strongly about whether or not it is permissible for females to ask, but the good thing is if your feelings are strongly opposite, you were probably not going to be compatible anyway, so just do what feels right to you there.

We have focused on fear as the main obstacle. For dating ideas, especially low-cost ones, there is a lot of information out there on web sites and in handouts from Mutual. For finding the right person, well, if you date enough people, you should meet at least a few that you can like. The big issue tends to be fear. Social anxiety is nothing new, so here are a few ideas to help that.

· Have a wingman: Double or triple dates can remove a lot of pressure. At some point you should move on to one-on-one dates, but if this makes starting out easier, go for it. The important thing is that you do make it an actual date, with defined couples, and not a bunch of people hanging out. Hanging out has not proven to be as effective in building relationships as dating.
· Ask for something specific: Some people feel more comfortable building the date around a specific event or planned activity, rather than just asking, “Do you want to go out some time?” That way, if they say no, it is the event and not you. The drawback is that they might be saying no to the event, but then you interpret it as you. This is where clear communication is handy. “Thank you, but no,” can be for the person, “I’m not free then, but maybe some other time,” can be for the timing, and “Thanks, but I hate Jim Carrey (or something appropriate),” can be for the event. It’s something to build on. For one thing, if you love Jim Carrey, maybe this is the wrong relationship to pursue. The point is, you are finding out more information.
· Get an alibi: Bishop Duncombe used to tell his future wife “So and so said that I should take you out.” Whether or not this was true for him, you could try this as an opening line, and some people may find it cute. More to the point, if you do not have any ideas on where to start, you can also ask friends for advice on whom to date, or where you are going wrong if you have been trying.
· Get to know the person first: It should be obvious, but if the first time you ever speak to someone it is to request a date, this can be off-putting. They may feel that you are asking for shallow reasons, or wonder if there is a dare going on. It is perfectly fine to try dating someone based on mere physical attraction, because it is just a date, but you are then open to being rejected solely on physical grounds because you went there first. When you both know each other as people, even if not very well, it’s a different conversation.

Besides, the additional socialization is good practice. Smile and greet people when you see them. Introduce yourself when you don’t know someone. Sit next to different people in Sunday School (which you are attending). This allows you to make inroads with a little effort, improving your chances for when the time comes to extend an invitation. It also makes for a friendlier ward!

You may have noticed that the overarching theme is that things will work out, even if there are some tough spots. This is true as long as you are doing something. What makes things work out is that you are taking action.

While it helps to remember that not every date will result in marriage, marriage is still the long-term goal. If you find that you are ambiguous on that goal, that you don’t want it, or that something beyond fear or apathy is holding you back from dating, that indicates that more pondering and work is required. We’ll get to that.

August 2009 - Preparing for good health

In November we covered pandemic illness, which seemed on the verge of becoming a reality in April, when we began hearing about swine flu. After, swine flu became something of a joke, as it never really seemed to take flight.

Actually, the virus never went away, and is expected to have a surge during the normal flu season. This gradual build-up is useful, because it allows time for a vaccine to be developed, which should become available in mid-October (it will be a separate vaccine from the usual yearly flu shot).

The usual precautions will still apply, about covering your mouth and nose when you sneeze and cough and washing your hands (preferably, cover with your arm, or you will probably not be able to wash your hands frequently enough). Added to that is a precaution to stay away from crowds and to get the vaccination, and a strong plea that if you do come down with any strain of influenza that you stay home and quit passing it around. You can find more information at http://www.flu.oregon.gov/.

Those steps can be very important, but instead I want to focus on maintaining your overall health. A body that you treat well is better able to fight disease, both before and after infection. A body well cared for will feel better and live longer. Despite this, we often ignore some of the most basic aspects of self-care.

In the August 19th “YOU Docs” column in The Oregonian, a reader wrote saying that his doctor had told him to eat healthier and exercise, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. The advice was related specifically to preventing cancer and heart issues, but is good for general health as well. The docs advised four things that anyone can start doing today.

1.) Walk thirty minutes a day. There are certainly experts who recommend more frequent and more intense exercises, but, walking thirty minutes a day is something anyone can do. It does not require a gym membership, equipment, or even a significant investment in time.

2.) Call a buddy and report that you have done it. Maybe add to this by buying a pedometer and reporting step counts, aiming for over 10,000 steps a day. Having someone who knows your goal increases your sense of accountability.

3.) After three weeks, start doing strengthening exercises for the muscle groups in your backs, abdominals, and legs. Do these for ten minutes, three times a week. This may seem more complicated than the walking part, as you worry about which exercises to do, correct form, and a possible need to buy equipment. However, there is lots of information out there, there are exercises that can be done at home, and exercises that can be done without equipment, and also, you will have built confidence and stamina by getting three weeks of walking exercises under your belt. You will be ready for a new challenge.

4.) To eat healthier, they recommended avoiding all four-legged fats, along with palm and coconut oil, eating only whole grains, and eating nine fistfuls of fruits and vegetables a day. Why fistfuls? So there is no ambiguity about figuring out a serving.

This last piece of advice may seem extreme. After all, four-legged animals and refined grains are delicious. However, there are some echoes in there (every fruit in the season thereof…flesh also of the beasts…are to be used sparingly…All grain is ordained for the use of man…) that may make it worth at least giving these ideas a second look.

For other ideas on maintaining good health, it is interesting to take a look at the Real Age test (http://www.realage.com/). This test determines your biological age based on questions about your lifestyle. If you are living the bare basics of the Word of Wisdom (specifically not smoking or drinking), and regularly attending church, this will automatically lower your biological age, perhaps compensating for some other unhealthy practices. Having good friends and relationships makes you younger and healthier, perhaps providing an extra benefit to having that workout buddy. In general, going over the questions can lead to some interesting thoughts.

When one of my friends took it many years ago, he was surprised to be asked about flossing. Now they just ask about the existence of various dental conditions, like peridontitis, gingivitis, or dentures, but the point is that there is a connection between dental health and overall health, particularly with cardiovascular health and cholesterol. The connection is not fully understood—it may just be that having healthy gums eliminates an easy point of infection—but it should certainly be extra motivation for brushing and flossing.

There are areas over which you will have no control. Your ethnic background and your family medical history does have an impact on your health, and cannot be changed. However, knowing now what issues are more likely allows you to plan ahead and take extra steps for prevention. Higher incomes tend to correlate with better health, but changing your income level is tricky, and can have a lot of obstacles. Managing stress is important, but some people find that very difficult.

Still, there are plenty of things that you can do that are relatively easy, from avoiding speeding to taking vitamins. Even if at the beginning all you are doing is walking for fifteen minutes a day and eating one fistful of fruit, it is a start. If that is better than the day before, it is still something.

Various studies have shown health benefits to marriage, especially happy marriages, and especially for males. So next month we return to our three part series on “Preparing for marriage” with part two, “Preparing to date”. Perhaps it would be good to find some stress-handling strategies between now and then.

Bonus wedding issue

I recently had a long message thread going with a friend who is getting married. The engagement is short, and the budget is small, so that puts some interesting constraints, and my sisters and I set up suggestions for her, and things to think about.

As the last letter was about getting married (and there is a good chance the next two will relate), I am adapting those tips and posting here. After all, a big key to preparedness and provident living is that you are thinking about things and making informed decisions, rather than just letting things happen. So, this kind of works, and if enough people act on the information in the last letter, maybe many people will need this.

Our friend already had already ordered the dress and found a person for the cake and for photography, so there won't be as much information there. It may be a little disjointed since I am combining things from three messages and some live conversation.

Pictures pretty much always take longer than planned, so allow a good amount of time for them. If you will want someone taking pictures both after the temple and at the reception, it may be easier if you are working with a friend or family member.

It sounds like you have already reserved the church building and made arrangements with the temple for the sealing. When we were talking with the woman at the temple, we talked about the marriage license (allow three days to process, good for two months), and that you will need a living ordinance recommend (so you need to meet with your bishops), so I assume those are covered.

It sounds like you have also already ordered the dress. If there are issues with that, I do have a friend who works at David’s Bridal, and maybe she will have suggestions if you need alterations. Along with the dress, you need to think about shoes, hose, jewelry, hair, and make-up. Do you want to do something old, new, borrowed, and blue? At least getting the tuxedo is relatively easy.

(Added: I was really impressed with the workers at the Soho Booth in Washington Square. They tried out different hairstyles, allowing different options, and were really helpful.)

The invitations can be hard, especially because you need to get them ready and mailed out really quickly. It may be best not to go to a traditional print shop for invitations, but instead, see what a copy shop will do. I would try Lazerquick, as they are usually less expensive and less busy than Kinkos. You can also probably get blanks at a party shop and then have the copy shop fill them in. (If you get thank you cards at the same time, you can get them to match.)

Flowers will be the other thing that could be difficult, since this is the height of wedding season and regular floral shops might be really busy. I normally recommend Westside Florists because they give you good value, but again, they might be busy. If you know people with gardens, something could probably be done homemade. Also, you can check at a farmer’s market, and I have a friend who works at the flower mart where the farmers sell to the florists, so she might have some ideas. You will want to think about a bouquet for you, boutonniere, possibly a headpiece, and then maybe décor like centerpieces or background greenery.

That leads to décor for the hall, which doesn’t have to be plant life. Some people do chair backings and tablecloths, or trellises. There are rental places that can help with this, but it depends what you want.

It sounds like you probably already have someone to do the cake. The next thing to consider is other food, which can run the gamut from some bowls of mints and nuts to hot foods or rolls and deli meats, along with plates, cups, and serving utensils. I really recommend looking at the Cash & Carry for this. They have really good prices, and a pretty good selection. You would have to pay cash, but it is affordable. (For napkins, though, you may want a party store to get kind of nicer ones in a wedding color.) We do have a small punch bowl, but you probably know someone with a bigger one.

(Sometimes a groom’s cake is fun. Our sister in law got Lance one shaped like a shoe. Partly it was to give him a chocolate cake, but the shoe was a joke between them that he was always putting his foot in his mouth.)

After that, most of the other concerns aren’t so much where to get things, but just what to do. The last reception we were at had live classical music, but we have been at ones with DJs or just pre-recorded CDs. Do you want dancing? Bouquet and garter tosses? Toasts? An official time for cake cutting? Sometimes people will want all of those things, or maybe special songs by family members, and they will print programs with the schedule of what happens when. That information can also go on the invitation. It is just something to think about.

You will probably want to get a guest book for people to sign, and you should definitely have a table set up for people dropping off presents. You may want to consider setting up some kind of photo display of the two of you. It is also frequent, but not necessary, to provide wedding favors, and/or something for the guests to throw at you when you leave. If you do want this, the party store is still probably the way to go. There is one right by Jones Farm that has a lot of wedding stuff.

I strongly recommend either getting a chauffeured car for the getaway, or having someone you trust guard the car, because people do stupid things to the cars of people getting married.

Have you thought about having a ring ceremony? It might be nice for your family, but sometimes it doesn’t feel right, like it is taking away from the temple. It might be better to have a nice family luncheon after the wedding, where the two families can celebrate together.

The big thing will be having people to help. I know Julie offered us to help decorate, but there is also clean-up, and serving food, cake, and punch. The good thing is, you can probably draw upon people in three wards.

For the honeymoon, think about appropriate packing based on activities (too early to know now, but it will go fast), and airport transportation.

On the issue of cake-cutting, people generally take on of two approaches. One is that the bride and groom cut the cake in about the middle of the reception, and then the cake gets served, but this way a lot of people never get cake. This can be fine, but I think usually they intend for everyone to get cake, and it just doesn't happen. There are probably more leftovers this way.

The other common occurrence is that they realize this will be an issue, so what they actually serve the guests is sheet cake, and the wedding cake is more for display. In this case, usually the top tier is saved for the first anniversary, the middle tier is for the bride and groom to slice at the reception, and the bottom tier is a big hunk of foam, frosted like cake. This way is probably easiest in terms of serving, because the sheet cake is easier to slice, but I don't like the thought of wasting perfectly good frosting on styrofoam.

Honestly, I am not sure what I would do myself. I might just slice the cake right at the beginning of the reception. Sure, not many people would see it happen, but how big of a deal is that?

Anyway, those are the issues, so you can think about what you prefer.

By the way, there are guides to cutting on-line, which I think is kind of cool, but if you do it this way I don't see how the thread/floss method can work:

http://www.wilton.com/cakes/cake-cutting-guides/wedding-cake-cutting-guide.cfm
http://www.baking911.com/cakes/cutting_guide.htm

For the number of food crew, it depends on what you are doing. It sounds like you have three tables of food, plus one punch table, and one cake table. You could have one person in charge of each table, but depending on what is being served, and whether or not it needs any in-kitchen preparation, what the adequate number would be could vary widely. I know. That's not very specific.

If the caterer has everything ready and on trays, and the kitchen person is just taking out full trays to replace empty trays, and they don't have to deal with the cake, then I think 3, or maybe even 2 people would be enough. This kind of overlaps with clean-up, but it would be good to add another kitchen person who floats around and clears empty plates and cups from the tables. Some people will throw out their own, but not everyone will.

Julie strongly recommends having someone who keeps an eye on the guest book, favors, and gift table, which ideally will all be near each other. This person would kind of act like a greeter, and can keep anything from going missing. Maybe have two people alternate so they can spend some time inside.

July 2009 - Preparing for marriage

Recently I was blogging about the economic downturn, and I suggested that one great way for singles to combat it is by getting married. In the long term it allows you to combine living expenses, but it provides short-term stimulation to the economy as the wedding is arranged and gifts are bought.

This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.

Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.

This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.

Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.

As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.

What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.

· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.

· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.

· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.

· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)

· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.

· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.

An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.

Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.

June 2009 - Preparing for summer

Saturday, June 27th, is the date of the Great American Backyard Campout (as designated by the National Wildlife Federation), in conjunction with June as Great Outdoors Month. The event encourages individuals, youth, friends and families to camp out together for one night. The purpose is to encourage people to spend some time outdoors, enjoying nature, but this can also be a great time to test out your camping equipment.

Camping equipment is often recommended as emergency equipment, as a part of or companion to your 72-hour kits. It is quite possible that you will never have to use camping equipment for anything other than recreation. However, if you do end up needing it, is what you have adequate?

One likely area for issues is with sleeping bags. It is completely possible that the sleeping bag in the tent will not provide adequate protection from the ground. Dampness may seep through, or it may just be that you feel the ground too much without some kind of mattress. Also, even though sleeping bags are often thought of as one size fits all, sometimes they don’t. Take a moment to wiggle in and out of yours before you need it. This is a good idea with tents as well. Sometimes they are easy to assemble, and it can be done quickly, but that is not always the case.

There is such a wide selection of camping equipment available that you should be able to find anything that you want. You may discover that your wants are expensive, or that they are not particularly portable. Let’s say you decide that it is not worth the hassle, you will just rely on your solar blanket and poncho. Spending a night doing so will at least help you know what you are in for. After all, preparedness means being mentally ready as well as physically ready.

Even if you are never in a situation where you need to sleep out of doors, people end up without electricity inside their houses on a regular basis, and camping equipment can come to the rescue here. Flashlights and lamps can provide an alternate source of illumination, and cooking equipment can improve your dining options. Taking advantage of the campout can be a great way of testing your options during a power outage or when there are issues with the water supply. Think of it as a chance to explore.

Part of sleeping outdoors involves exposure to the elements. With so many summertime recreational activities occurring outdoors, it makes perfect sense to consider these issues as well.

Concerns about West Nile Virus have abated, but no one really likes getting mosquito bites. A recent article stated that the hard economic times have led to many pools going untended, creating fertile breeding grounds for the pests. There are many options for repelling mosquitoes; are you covered?

Sun exposure is another concern, originally merely for the pain of sunburn, and now more so due to concerns about skin cancer and premature aging. I was once researching sunburn, and was interested to see that the list of items increasing your risk of sunburn all sounded good. These were things cool breezes, cloudy skies, spending time in water and wearing white clothing. White clothing and water can intensify your sun exposure through reflection and magnification, but the issue with all of them is that they should help you feel cooler. Feeling cooler lets you forget that you are cooking. So, let’s just make a mental note that when you are out in daylight, you are cooking. You do want about fifteen minutes a day for vitamin D production, but after that you are cooking. Specifically, you are cooking the proteins in your skin.

Sunscreen that is labeled broad spectrum protects against both UVA (cancer and wrinkles) and UVB (sunburn) radiation. SPF 15 is the recommended level of protection. You can find higher SPF numbers, but the increase in protection does not keep up. For example, SPF 15 sunscreen will absorb 93% of the radiation, while SPF 34 will absorb 97%. Therefore, do not let higher ratings lull you into a false sense of security. Applying thoroughly, and then reapplying, will be the best protection.

Protection is not foolproof. For this reason, you should be aware of the signs of skin cancer, and you should know how to treat sunburn. Good information can be found at http://www.melanomafoundation.org/ and http://www.skincancer.org/.

Two of the sunburn remedies that stick out are drinking water, because there is an increased risk of dehydration, and bathing in tepid water. There are two really good pieces of general advice in here. In warmer weather, especially with increased physical activity, there is increased risk of dehydration. Water helps your body function smoothly all over, and needs to be replaced regularly. If you are losing water through sweating, your are losing minerals with it, so may wish to consider a sports drink or a children’s drink with added electrolytes. Pay attention to your bodies needs.

The tip about the tepid water reminds me of a vacation where one member of the group got badly burned (it was around water, and no sunscreen had been worn). A friend handed over a bottle of soothing gel, which she had placed in the freezer so it would feel really nice and cool. Well, suddenly the burned cool, who had been quite toasty, went the other way. Her teeth were chattering, she was shivering, and it would not have been surprising if she had gone into shock.

Extremes are hard on your body, and moving suddenly from one extreme to another is really hard on your body. Try to be a little bit observant, so that if you are in the process of overheating, you will notice and react when a small amount of change will still be sufficient. Remember, a lot of swimming accidents don’t happen so much because of rough water as because of really cold water. Yes, the cold was the point, and people were trying to cool down, but it became too much of a good thing. Exercising moderation with your enjoyment can make it last longer. Have a safe and happy summer.

May 2009 - On not being offended

Brigham Young said "He who is offended when offense is not intended, is a fool; he who is offended when offense is intended, is a greater fool." We have all had times when we have been hurt badly by something that just stung. Many of us know people who have let such situations affect their church attendance. Even while the Bible pronounces woe upon those who offend, it confirms that offences will come, and must come (see Matthew 18:7). Accepting that there will definitely be moments when being offended is possible, it is wise to decide now what type of impact you are willing to accept.

Someone who has already been offended could easily be further offended by President Young’s quote, confident that taking offence was justified, but consider the options. Either the offended party is holding on to anger to punish someone who meant no harm, or gratifying someone who did. Both possibilities do sound a little foolish.

This topic focuses on our sensitivity, and is in itself a sensitive topic. I find that it is impossible to make any useful points without being fairly specific and personal, giving examples from my own family. I hope this will be received in the spirit intended, and that readers will apply the principles appropriately to their own situations.

In my family we tend to tease a lot and sometimes we even have heated disputes. Normally the joking is taken in good humor, and the disputes flare up and die down without too much fallout. However, there are times when the reaction is worse than intended, and I have observed that this is usually a combination of two factors.

One may be that the other person is in a bad mood. She has been having a bad day, or is worried about something, and so is sensitive enough that what would normally be considered a joke is not funny.

In addition, it will generally be on a sensitive topic—one where she has real concerns and fears. I learned a few years ago that no matter how angry or frustrated I might get with my mother, I should never call her stupid or a bad mother, because these would cut her to the quick, and it would be unfair. Therefore, even when we are in strong disagreement, I keep those two insults off the table or reconciling will be much harder.

I think setting those boundaries is a reasonable allowance to make, as is recognizing the need to back off when someone has had a bad day. So if everyone will just be a little more sensitive to the needs of others, then everything can be perfect and no one will ever get offended ever. If that were practical, this would be the shortest newsletter ever, but it will be the usual length.

While we should be sensitive to the feelings of others, we only have control over our own feelings, and our own actions. We will sometimes encounter people who actually want to make us feel bad. I hope that it will more frequently be people with good intentions who are a bit thoughtless, or misread the moment, but at times the person who cares about you can hurt you a lot more than the one who doesn’t. The real issue needs to be how offences are handled.

My mother is neither stupid, nor a bad mother, but those are fears of hers. I suspect every mother has worries about her adequacy in that role, so that one just might be standard. The concerns about intelligence come from being married to a very intellectual and arrogant man, which brought her to a new country where she had to pick up the language on her own, and raising children who were pretty smart (sometimes frighteningly so) in a school system that was completely different from the one she went through. On the other hand, if we called her a bad housekeeper, she would not take it seriously, having complete confidence in her abilities there.

I am confident that I am smart and a good sister, so someone questioning that would not bother me. However, having been unemployed for several months now, after years of being fairly well off, has raised a lot of fears about my own worth, and there is a limit to how calmly I can discuss my employability, my financial situation, or how I got into this mess. Comments on that topic have hurt me deeply. However, I have been improving.

The improvement has not come from getting a job. Instead, it has come from a focus on the eternal. I have an intrinsic value as a child of God. That is not based on my financial net worth. I have agonized about still not having a job, and about becoming a taker instead of a giver, and yet it all seemed to be out of my control. I was taking appropriate actions, and they were just not paying off. What I realized was that I could only control my actions. The most important thing about this experience will be if I can be the person I want to be, and should be.

I cannot force companies to call me back and hire me, but I can keep applying for more jobs. I can make an effort to not act weird around people (even if I am feeling worthless and uncomfortable) and eventually I will feel less weird. I can refrain from shouting at my sisters when they hit a sore spot, and I can believe that their intentions are good. I can actively try to remember gratitude and service.

In a singles ward, there are many sore spots. The longer you stay, the more likely you are to wonder what is wrong with you, and if your shortcomings are the specific reason that you are single.

We can be sensitive, growing angry at small jokes and becoming devastated about innocent comments. We can get offended right out of the church. After all, it’s the other person’s fault—they were totally out of line. We still need to understand that this reaction is a choice, and ultimately it will not be a satisfying choice.

At the Last Supper, when Christ told the apostles that there was a traitor in their midst, each one asked, “Is it I?” They were sufficiently humble to believe that they could be the ones with the problem, and when you can face a problem you can fix it.

If you have a weakness that is keeping you single, or unemployed, or unhappy, the Lord can show you this weakness, and turn it into a strength, and has promised that He will (Ether 12:21). We should be working on overcoming weaknesses anyway. And if you are worried or hurt about something that is not really a problem, He can provide clarity and comfort over that as well, so that it does not have to hurt anymore. He can provide you with peace.

Sometimes it seems that people will hold on to a grudge because they know the act that led to it was not right, and they feel like letting go will send the message that it was fine—that the offender did not do anything wrong. We already know that justice will be fully met, so we don’t need to worry about that. The true message of our granting forgiveness is that we will be fine. That is the best choice.

General remedies in case I am right

I wrote a post on the other blog (This week's sporkful, April 12th) about how the next few years look to me:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2009/04/shape-of-things-to-come-3055.html

I said I would get around to posting things that would help, and the good news of it all, but then I needed to start doing all this therapeutic self-exploration again, so I thought I would throw it in here, where it is probably more relevant.

Based on things that I have observed already happening, I predicted five trends that I think will last through the end of 2012. One is the bad economy. Individuals will be able to make some gains here and there, but I believe that overall the issues with unemployment, underemployment, and lack of affordability will continue. This will lead to an increase of despair, and also to more crime. In addition, people seem to be becoming sicker, and weather is getting more severe.

That does sound bad, but it is not hopeless. There are things individuals can do to mitigate the situation, and that is what personal preparedness is all about.

Weather:
The most basic emergency steps will help here. If there is a flood or fire, and you need to evacuate, having your emergency evacuation plan, communication plan, and 72-hour kits will help. If wind storms lead to a power outage, or ice storms mean that you can't get to the store, having your camping supplies, providing light, heat, and food preparation will help. If it floods enough to contaminate the water supply, but not to require evacuation, having water storage will help.

It is probably hardest to prepare for a heat wave combined with a power outage, but think about that type of circumstance, and what would help with your individual situation. Planning for things before they happen is the key.

Disease:
The short-lived hype about swine flu probably did a disservice to people, because it made a serious threat look completely overinflated, and may lead to a false sense of security. If you paid attention though, there are good lessons. They told us to cough into your sleeve or elbow (not the hands, which touch everything), wash hands frequently, and stay home when you are sick. Since the regular flu kills thousands of people each year, maybe those are just good steps to take anyway. Those steps will also help curtail the spread of other diseases, so these are some really good ideas.

It still worries me that people are getting sicklier--getting sick more often and staying sick for longer. At this point it is only anecdotal for me, but we are stressed, people are skimping on health care, and the average American diet is not healthy.

I am not the poster girl for good health, but I've got to try. Try to take care of yourself. Get in some exercise, to strengthen your body and to relieve stress. Eat more natural foods, with a more balanced diet so that you are getting your vitamins and antioxidants and phytochemicals. Get enough sleep, so that your body can repair itself, and again to relieve the stress. These things are not easy, but it's reasonable to make them a priority. Find a way.

Crime:
Well, we did just have a letter on protecting yourself from crime, and there were good tips and resources in that. Also, we need to take a stand for good. Partly, this is standing on the side of law and order, but also, when that crime is coming from despair it is a double tragedy. There must be something we can do here.

Despair:
This is a hard one, but there are two things that I have grown to feel very strongly about. One is that the only thing I really own any more is how I react to things. I have very limited control about getting a job. There are things I can do, but I have done a lot without it paying off, and I don't know when there will be a payoff. I do have control over how I act with that, and so I'm trying to be the person I should be with it. Still loving and kind and thinking of others. Not taking frustrations out on my family. Not giving up. Not taking things personally. It's hard, but it's necessary.

And if we are thinking of others, and serving them, then we can help their despair too. We will be happier if we are not always worrying about our own problems, but also spend time looking outward, and when we share burdens, they become lighter for everyone. Call someone, bake them a casserole, give them money, volunteer, whatever. We each have different means available, but I know we all have something to give.

Economy:
Okay, times are rough, but in my brief career as a tax preparer, I gained a new perspective. If you want to do something new, this may be the time. There are credits for buying a home. There are deductions for farms and businesses, and maybe you'll fail, but a regular job working for someone else has a good chance of failing too. Maybe you can at least fail splendidly, with self-determination. But make it something you care about--a business that matters to you or a home you want to live in. A lot of what got us here was greed--the adjustable rate mortgage that you expected to dump in two year when the value went up, and then it didn't, or stocks or things like that. Making money is necessary, but it can be a hollow quest. We need to care about more than that.

The two most important, basic preparedness steps are still having food storage and establishing savings while paying down debt. I know there are concerns that people need to be spending instead of saving right now, for the good of the economy as a whole, but do it right. Pay off consumer debt. If you borrow, do it for a house, or to start a business, or for education. Buy food storage. That is an excellent investment (it will only become more valuable, which is not always true for your mutual fund).

If you can afford it and want to simulate the economy, some expenditures will have more value than others. Like food storage, other preparedness supplies are a good investment.

For stimulating the economy, paying for services, like a massage or haircut, will usually go the farthest, because the service provider will turn around and spend that money again. It doesn't have quite the same turnaround when you purchase a manufactured item, and at least some of it should be spent locally.

Dining out or going to live performances may not have quite as much financial impact on the local economy, but it can still be helpful for the community in terms of building a social life, and in bringing yourself greater cheer.

There is one other neat trick that many of my cohorts should consider as a balance between saving and stimulating. It is called marriage. In the long term it reduces expenses as dwellings are combined. Two cannot live as cheaply as one, but two together should be able to live more cheaply than two separately. Also, you get new tax deductions.

That being said, in the short-term there is economic stimulation as clothing is purchased or rented, caterers are hired, maybe along with hair stylists, makeup artists, and musicians, and gifts are purchased.

Yep, marriage. I know I'm thinking about it.

Bridging the gap

Newsletters are now current. April 2009 has been posted, and May 2009 has not yet been written, meaning that this can now move to a monthly update and be caught up.

However, since we do have just a two-week period here, and not an entire month, I was thinking I could so something a little different until we get to the May posting, so today and next Monday I will write a little.

Sometime around January of 2008, I had a dream where a man told me that it was going to be a tumultuous year. It made an impression on me, and I guess that has been true. I spent time in Italy, Australia, and New Zealand, lost two friends and an uncle, wrote three screenplays, and lost my job. That job loss is still reverberating. There were other things I suppose, but certainly there were ups and downs, and tumult. That is looking back.

Looking forward I remember trying to imagine what would happen, to be prepared for it. I was thinking specifically about a large scale earthquake and then pandemic influenza, and if they overlapped it would be really bad.

It was easy to think of those, because they are both things where I have read many times that they are going to happen, and the question is just when. Mexico City did kind of have that happen, but we are still okay. Swine flu does not seem to be living up to the hype, and even though they have recently shortened the earthquake window to within twenty years, it still has not happened yet.

Regardless, there will still be many things happening, and preparedness is important. Knowing what will happen next would be helpful, but barring that there are all-purpose things we can do, and that's what the newsletter is all about. There were entries about pandemics in November, earthquakes a few months earlier, and saving money in October 2007. I will keep trying to be useful.

It's interesting. As ward emergency preparedness coordinator, I feel more responsible for the tangible things, but it is the generally the more spiritual letters where I receive more feedback. Well, try getting through an emergency with spiritual problems. It's a lot harder. I hope to balance the two, in the letter and in myself.

April 2009 - Personal Safety

Recent news articles seem to indicate an increase in crime, especially of theft. This makes safety and crime prevention practices more important. Some will argue that if a criminal is truly determined to get into your home or your car, there is nothing you can do about it. That may be true, but in many cases the criminals are not specifically determined on your property—they will just go for the target that looks like it can be most easily achieved. Therefore, the first step is to take away crimes of opportunity.

With both your home and your vehicle, doors and windows are an important consideration. Whether you are at home or away, doors should be kept locked. When you are traveling or waiting in your car, doors should be locked. When you are away from your car, doors should be locked and windows closed, including vents and wind-wings. There are tools that allow the car to be opened through even the narrowest cracks, so just because an arm might not fit through does not mean something else won’t. Consistent use of locks is the most basic deterrent.

Naturally, there are other reinforcements that can be made. For your home, this can include deadbolts, reinforced doors, and dowel rods for windows and sliding doors. However, it is also especially important to consider visibility. If there are recessed alcoves around a door, or shrubbery blocking a window, this provides a cover that will allow a burglar to work on gaining access without being noticed. There may be architectural issues that cannot be corrected, but lighting can be added and landscaping can be changed to make your home a less desirable target.

If you are living in an apartment complex, there are added considerations. There is always another person (the manager), who has a key. There are common areas (like mailboxes and laundry rooms) that other people can get too, possibly including non-residents. In these areas you would want to see more lighting and visibility. Is the building well maintained, so that broken or burnt-out lights are replaced quickly, and shrubbery is trimmed? Does the manager seem trustworthy, and to care about tenant safety? It is helpful to know the neighbors, whether in an apartment or a house. The best crime deterrent is a connected neighborhood.

Do not forget the link between your car and your home. If you carry a garage door opener in your glove box, and car registration with your address, the person who steals your car now has access to your home. Even with something that appears safe and controlled, like valet parking, it is recommended that you never have a tag with your name and address on your key ring. Actually, the recommendation is that you carry your car key separately from your other keys, so anyone who has the car key has only that.

There are also additional precautions that you can take with cars. Many new cars have standard burglary deterrents built in, but even by simply turning your wheels sharply to the curb when you park, you make your car more difficult to tow.

You have probably all heard that if you must leave valuables (like laptops) in the car, you should leave them in the trunk. Plan in advance so that you have placed the items in the trunk before you get to your destination. There are thieves who monitor parking lots, and if they see you place the items in your trunk, you have just undone your efforts.

One anti-carjacking tip given was that if, as you are heading home, you notice someone unusual near the drive, you circle the block and come back. Carjacking is very much a crime of opportunity, because the principle behind it is that it is easiest to grab a car when the keys are in the ignition and it is running. Having the doors locked helps, but there are times when it seems very reasonable to drive with the windows down. That is fine, but be aware of your surroundings, whether you are on the move or just getting ready to park.

Being aware of your surroundings is good advice in general. When something is wrong, there are generally various clues to the issue, visual and otherwise, and if you are open to these signals, it will increase your safety.

Part of your preparation should also include readiness to get the situation corrected if something does happen. A photographic record of possessions can be helpful for either recovering stolen items or for preparing an insurance claim. Engraving identification numbers on some items may also be helpful.

Not all crimes are against property, so you do also need to think about your person. Making your home and vehicle more secure helps, but you are not always in them. First of all, again, you should always be aware of your surroundings. Sometimes, this may mean leaving the iPod turned off. You want to be able to hear outer noises and that inner voice.

You should also consider mobility. Will you need to be transporting many items or heavy items? Consider taking a rolling bag, or some sort of help so that you can leave a hand free. Have keys ready so you do not need to fumble later. Being alert to warning signs may not be helpful if you are unable to react to those warnings.

The topic of weapons is really a very personal one, and I would never recommend purchasing anything, from mace to a gun, just to feel safer. However, if you are going to get something, make sure that you learn how to use it, and that you become comfortable with it before needing to use it. Otherwise, it becomes an added hazard. Self-defense classes may be a better option. While providing helpful skills, they can also increase confidence, even if it is just the confidence to not allow others to intimidate you. They are often available free for women (this may seem unfair to men, but based on crime statistics, it is very practical). The information for Washington County is located at http://www.co.washington.or.us/sheriff/service/curve.htm.

For more information about local public safety, go to http://www.co.washington.or.us/cgi/sheriff/lec.pl.

The Los Angeles Police Department has a wide variety of helpful tips at http://www.lapdonline.org/prevent_crime/content_basic_view/1175.

You may also wish to read Gavin de Becker’s excellent The Gift of Fear for more on how to recognize the signals around you.

More than anyone else, we understand and believe in our ability to be protected and warned, but many blessings require at least a little effort so that we can receive them. Prepare to be safe.

March 2009 - Getting the most out of the three-hour block

Of all the things that people find weird about us, one of the biggest is that we spend three hours in church. If used correctly this can be a time of spiritual refreshment, received inspiration, and warm fellowship. It can also be a time of boredom, idleness, or mind games.

As in so many other areas, preparedness is the key. Think of break-the-fast. If many people show up empty-handed but ready to eat, the experience will not be very satisfying (except possibly for those who were first in line). A few hard-working and unselfish individuals may do more than their part, and improve the situation, but the odds of success are better if everyone is contributing.

Our time together on Sunday can go much the same way. If many people come prepared for inspiration and fellowship, the general feeling is better and the chance of individuals receiving needed answers is greater. Your noisy whispering behind me might distract me from the lesson and lead me to be a little angry, or your quiet thoughtfulness and personal remarks may remind me that I am not alone, and that we all have our own struggles but that peace and joy come from living Gospel principles. Your prayer for the teacher may help her say exactly what I need to hear. More importantly, you may hear exactly what you need to hear.

So, what are some things that we can do to make our time in church better?

Study the lessons in advance: Not only are we given manuals, study guides, and schedules at the beginning of the year, but all manuals and study guides are posted under the Gospel Library at www.lds.org. The Relief Society lesson schedule even lists which conference talks will be used on the Teachings for our Times weeks, and those talks are also available on the web site.

Studying the lesson on Sunday morning can be a great way to have quiet time for listening to the Spirit and keeping the Sabbath holy. It makes you more ready to participate in class later, which the instructors will appreciate. Also, it may be that there are points for you in the lesson that are not the most important points for the class as a whole, in a different direction than the class will go. It’s very seldom that all of the material gets covered for any lesson. Spending your own time with the material, for both the Sunday School and the third hour lessons, provides a chance for your individual spiritual needs to be met. After all, it’s not like we don’t have enough time before church, which leads to the second point.

Be on time: We meet at 2:45. Even if you sleep until one in the afternoon, it should be possible to be ready and at the church by 2:45 (although you may find that staying up late and then sleeping in does not set the best tone for the day). Figure out how much time you need, and then allow that time. Being seated a few minutes in advance, able to listen to the prelude music and prepare for the sacrament, will help you to be more in tune with the Spirit.

If you end up late anyway, be respectful about that. Entering quietly is considerate to those around you. Friends can be greeted and outfits admired after the closing hymn.

Be humble: Church should not be a fashion show, or a chance to brag or make a point of how many friends you have, or what a great testimony you can bear because you have suffered so much. Even the times when you are focusing on worries about how others are judging you or how inadequate you feel are times when you are not feeling the Spirit, or even leaving a doorway for inspiration. Any time you are focusing on you, or on what others think of you is probably not a time when you are being strengthened.

Be open to learning: I remember one person who always used to read during sacrament meeting. It did not matter whether the speakers were good or not, they could not bless him. Also, perhaps we should re-evaluate what we consider to be “good”. If a speaker or teacher invites the Spirit, we can learn if we will cooperate. As we are in tune, any comment or scripture can lead us to know and feel what we need. If a teacher or speaker struggles, be understanding. Church responsibilities help us learn and grow, and we may not get everything right at once. This leads to the next point.

Do your church jobs: Are there ways in which you could do your calling better? This may affect someone else’s church experience. Teachers play an important part, but so do those in charge of the music, and even those who participate in small ways like saying a prayer. As you are asked to serve, do so willingly, and bearing in mind what church can be for everyone.

There are callings and assignments that are not carried out on Sunday, but these generally involve serving someone, and as we serve each other the increased love will invite the Spirit. Are your home and visiting teachees there this Sunday? If not, they may need you, and other people who are not officially yours may need you. This leads to our next point.

Be both loving and reverent: We should be aware of others, and open to them. Do not discourage someone from sitting next to you because you were hoping for a cute boy instead. Kindness is more important than that, and having the cute boy there doesn’t really do much, because we are supposed to be focused on other things.

We can go too far the other way, so friendly and happy to see each other that we visit too much, and detract from the Spirit in that way. Stay aware of the purpose of the meetings, because we can socialize some, but we also have other times and activities for socialization, but there are some things that we only get for a few minutes once a week.

Be prepared to take the sacrament: This is the most important thing we do, and the purpose of the meeting. The refreshment comes because we have repented of our sins again, and been reminded of the promises of our baptismal covenants. As we renew our commitment, we are better able to receive inspiration. We need to be ready to participate.

There may be time when we are unable to participate because of sin. Work with your bishop on this so you can actually make progress. If it is not a sin that should require working with a bishop, but you still feel unworthy, talk to him about this too. He can help you work out the issue, establishing standards or practices that will help you feel ready and worthy every week. There may be times when you feel like you should abstain because you have a bad mood, but wouldn’t it be better to work on the mood, and be ready when the time comes?

We should not be satisfied with merely showing up for church services. We have probably all witnessed cases of those whose testimonies have waned along with their attendance. Somehow, “meeting together oft” is a key element in enduring to the end. Since we need to keep coming, we should be working to make that experience enjoyable and valuable for us, instead of wasting that potential. Then we can reap the blessings.

February 2009 - Preparing for winter

Due to a previous history of mild winters, the area was caught off-guard by successive snow and ice storms just before Christmas. There were insufficient snowplows in the region, so many roads were never cleared. Usual standby Tri-met canceled some routes and shortened others, leaving many housebound.

Although December of 2008 was unusually bad, there has been a tendency towards more severe weather, so when thinking about preparedness it is reasonable to ask, “What if this is the future?” If this type of weather becomes more common, local governments will have to react eventually, but this may take time. Preparations that you can take to improve your own situation will be more reliable, and will be easy to think about while December is still fresh in your mind.

Location: What are the specific advantages and disadvantages of your area?

I have one friend who lives in a windy and heavily wooded area, and she can count on losing power at least once a year. In other areas, especially where power lines are run underground instead of strung overhead, power loss is rare. Even without power loss, falling trees can cause damage. Is there anything that could fall on your home?

Are you in a flood plain? There are areas that flood every year, and some that are susceptible to flooding but have not done it yet. What about slides? A local home was destroyed in a slide, and the root cause was a neighbor’s faulty irrigation system weakening the base. Some information may not be available, but at least look at what you do know.

In addition to looking at potential damage, also look at transportation issues. If the roads become icy or flooded, how does that affect your ability to get to work or school? Looking at alternative places to stay in case of emergency may be enough, or sometimes it may even be worth moving.

Equipment: Considering both safety and comfort, what do you need?

As a homeowner or renter, you may have a personal responsibility to keep sidewalks clear. Do you have a snow shovel? A snow blower may work for snow only, but will not work with ice. However, having some de-icing agents may also help.

For your vehicle, do you have chains? It is possible to go and get snow tires, but chains can be a one-time purchase, with no additional travel required. If that is something you are interested in, you may wish to acquire the chains and practice with them before the snow starts.

Travel decisions need to be made based on safety and practicality. I saw some people approaching the grocery store on ATVs, and that looked like great fun. However, having an alternative way to get to the store for that single two week period would not be sufficient justification for buying one. Under some circumstances, you may be able to completely avoid leaving the house until the snow clears. Do think about where you might need to go, and how you could get there.

Supplies: Are you well stocked enough to stay in?

In severe weather, the transportation department will usually prefer that you stay at home unless necessary, but necessity can be reduced by advance preparation. Just to honor the basic minimum food storage requirements will mean that you have a three-month supply of food, which should be enough to outlast any ice storm. However, if you are not there yet, getting in at least two weeks worth of food would be a good start. (If the pipes freeze, your water storage will come in handy as well, as long as that is kept above freezing.)

You should also give special consideration to the possibility of losing power, as it may change your needs. If much of your food storage involves refrigeration or freezing and then microwaving, this could lead to difficulties. Have at least some food that requires little to no cooking. You may wish to consider alternative means of cooking, but many of the common solutions that you would use for camping and other outdoor cooking cannot be used indoors. Alcohol-based fuels like Sterno can be an option, but read instructions and precautions carefully, and figure it out before the snow comes.

In the case of a power outage you will also want light. Do you have flashlights or electric lanterns, along with the batteries they will need? If you will be relying on candles, what safety measures do you have in place to prevent fire? That will include the candleholders and methods for disposing of matches, but should also include making sure that the smoke detectors are working.

Even if your heat comes from gas, if the distribution is run by electricity, a power outage will be an issue. It may be wise to have some extra blankets on hand. If a fireplace is available, do you have wood and kindling for starting the fire? Have you ever started a fire before? Practicing when it doesn’t matter makes a huge difference.

This is also a good time to think about winter clothes, especially while some items may currently be on clearance. How did your coat do? Do you have a winter hat? Scarves and gloves do not need to be expensive, but add to your overall warmth by trapping heat at key areas of heat loss. Shoes or boots that are suitable for snow can be incredibly useful. Maybe you will wish to accessorize with some crampons or snowshoes, or that may be overkill.

Consider what you encountered this winter, and then think about what is likely for next winter.

January 2009 - Setting goals

Last month we talked about remembering the most basic counsel, of having food storage and financial well being, as presented in the “All is Safely Gathered In” pamphlets. If these two areas are neglected, progress in other areas will be less valuable. That does not mean that it is not helpful or appropriate to set goals in any of the old Provident Living areas.

Some time ago I received a document that had been used in Hillsboro Stake to assist leaders in doing a personal and family preparedness assessment. I modified that to make it more applicable to singles. (This primarily meant removing the questions about whether or not you are teaching your children good principles in these areas. If you have children now, or when you do, that is a good question to ask.)

This is separate from the preparedness survey that I am collecting from ward members, but it will probably share one feature, in that viewing all of the questions together can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Despair is not a helpful reaction. Focus on what you have, and what you need, and set appropriate priorities for your goals. There should be goals, and the start of a new year is a great time for setting them, but don’t lose perspective in the process. Remember, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

As we keep our perspective, maintaining a sound mind, we will know how to focus our efforts, and following through will help us feel the power of preparedness. Being prepared, we shall not fear (D&C 38:30), and we can also cast our fear by perfect love (Moroni 8:16), so it all works together in such a way that we do not need to be discouraged.

That being said, here are the questions for the six areas:

Social and Emotional Strength
· Do I follow the counsel of the prophet by having regular scripture study, daily prayer, and attending the temple monthly? Am I benefiting from it?
· What events in my past have I not dealt with emotionally or still make me feel uncomfortable?
· Have I got confidence in my abilities and self-esteem?
· Am I able to receive and understand personal revelation?
· Do I observe the Law of the Fast and pay a full tithing?

Resource Management
· How many months of income do I have in the bank that can be drawn on in case of emergency?
· How do I utilize a monthly budget and tracking spending?
· Am I working to eliminate consumer and other unnecessary debt?
· How much do I put aside in savings on a regular basis?
· What resources do I have that could help me improve my financial situation?

Food Storage and Emergency Preparedness
· How many weeks or months of food do I have hand?
· What do I do to rotate what food I have in storage?
· How much water and other necessary goods do I have in case of emergency or loss of income?
· How much food and other items do I need to have for a year’s supply?
· What do I have prepared in case of a short-term emergency (72 hour kits, first aid kit, etc)?
· Within the confines of my available space, what am I doing for a garden?

Employment
· How does my job challenge me?
· What do I like best about work each day, and am I accomplishing all that I can?
· Am I currently using my talents in a satisfactory way? If not, how can I prepare for a more fulfilling career?

Physical Health
· What do I do to exercise regularly?
· When is the last time that I had a physical exam?
· What do I do to eat a balanced diet?
· Am I physically able to meet the demands of my normal life?
· Would I be physically able to meet the demands of different emergencies?

Education and Literacy
· How will my education provide a career that will meet the financial needs of my current or future family?
· What am I doing to upgrade my education within my chosen career?
· If I could no longer work in my current career, or there was a loss of a source of support, what other options would I have?

As you can see, these questions are not so much specific items on a list as they are a help to getting you to analyze and ponder your current status, and how it might be affected by other events. What would you want to be different? What would work well?

Regardless of your circumstances, there are steps you can take to improve. Think about the goals that will make the most sense for you, and then pursue them in faith. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

December 2008 - Back to Basics

In February 2007, the Church released two new pamphlets with the common heading “All Is Safely Gathered In.” One focused on Family Finances, and the other on Family Home Storage.

At the time, I focused more on the change in emphasis from getting in a year’s supply of food to encouraging a three-month supply, although there was still a subtext of storing more if possible. It seemed to me to be not so much a message that three-month’s supply is enough, as an acknowledgment that members were not getting in a year’s supply, and maybe changing the focus to three months would make it less intimidating.

That may well have been a factor, but there was a bigger movement that I did not appreciate at the time. Previously, Provident Living had focused on several subheadings:
· Home Storage
· Physical Health
· Spiritual, Emotional, and Social Health
· Education
· Employment
· Resource Management

The providentliving.org site had sections and guidelines for each of these areas. The subheadings are still on the site, but there is less information, and more of a referral to scriptures and gospel principles rather than tips on how to build your 72-hour kit.

To some extent, this may reflect similar trends of simplification and focus on the Spirit. Think of the transition to Preach My Gospel. Nothing essential was lost, though things certainly were simplified. In some ways, moving away from set discussions might make teaching harder, or more work, but there is a gain in spirituality and in inspiration that makes it better. This doesn’t mean that the six regular discussions, six new member discussions, missionary guide, study guide, and rulebook were bad.

By the same token, there is nothing wrong with tips for 72-hour kits and first aid training and plans for accumulating your food storage over a year, but sometimes we can get so caught up in what is interesting or clever or cute that we forget the basics. At times a reminder of what is most essential is good for us.

In addition, there is nothing more valuable than food storage and financial stability. As I have reviewed different disaster scenarios is my mind, those two items keep recurring as the most useful. You have to be able to eat, and there is a limit to how much peace of mind you can have if you are not debt-free.

So, what are these essential basics? The pamphlets are online at www.providentliving.org, but they are both very short.

Family Home Storage
· Have a three-month supply of food. If you have nothing, start by getting in a week’s supply and work your way up. Once you establish a three-month supply, store more if you can, but it is essential that you get at least that.
· Store some drinking water.
· Establish a financial reserve.

Family Finances
· Pay tithes and offerings.
· Avoid debt.
· Use a budget.
· Build a reserve.
· Teach family members.

I know that these steps have already made a difference for faithful saints, and times are coming when it will become even more important. The steps you take now need not be drastic. A few extra sale items bought each week quickly add up to a small food stockpile.

Financial reserves may seem more hopeless, because you can think that even if you were to save ten percent of each check, which would be sizeable, it would still take you ten years to have one year’s worth of income saved. However, interest compounds and new ideas for economizing come to mind once you focus on it, and you will find that even a slowly building nest egg brings peace of mind.

Many of you have 72-hour kits and camping equipment. That is nice, and there is a good chance that it will be useful at some point. Do not consider it enough. Regardless of what concerns you have now about the transitory nature of this period of your life, or other ways that you would like to spend your money now, or no idea of where you would put storage, consider the principles in All Is Safely Gathered In as essential. They came in a message from the First Presidency.

Other preparedness steps are good, and next month we will go over the expanded areas with questions that you can ask yourself about your own level of preparedness, and you can set some goals for the new year. However, before you look at the additional ideas, seriously look at your home storage and financial reserves, and see what you can do differently. Taking those steps will help you weather whatever storms may come.