Preparing to give compliments

Last week one of the trends on Twitter was #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay. As it was trending, this indicated that many people were using the tag while telling girls they were beautiful, which was great. I thought of a few girls specifically to wish it to, and I did. Most of them were really appreciative, and I believe it was helpful, so I was glad of that.

Other people put comments out there like how it should be done every day, that we should be valuing girls for reasons other than their physical appearance, or how it was an excuse to ogle women and make inappropriate comments. Those are all interesting points, but possibly missing the point.

It is a very natural thing for a person to want to feel that their physical appearance is pleasing. The pressure for this is worse on young women, and I just don't know any who are happy with the way they look.

And so many of them are so pretty! If they were looking at someone else with those looks, they would think she was beautiful, but they just can't think that way about the self. Some of that is conditioning that liking yourself is vain, and then you are stuck up and awful, and some of that is the advertising industry that spells out every thing that is wrong with you and requires a product to fix, and some of it is negative reinforcement from peers. The overall message is that girls need to be pretty, and that no girl is allowed to feel pretty, which isn't really great for anyone, though some take it harder than others.

And, yes, there are qualities more important than looks, but so many girls have a hard time feeling good about any other qualities too, and you can't force a girl to feel good about herself. (I also know that there are boys who struggle with this as well, but the system is stacked against girls worse at this point, and it's the point of view I understand best.)

So, the first thing to understand is that as much as the girl may want and need to feel good about herself, that she is pleasing and good, she may be very resistant to the idea. She may feel obligated to contradict you. If she is out of that stage, where she knows she should thank you, and she should not show you that she is internally screaming about how wrong you are, this compliment is very stressful.Even if she is fairly well adjusted, making too big a deal of it will probably be uncomfortable.

This may sound like you should just avoid the whole fiasco, but don't. Because we only see our own inner struggles, most of us look better to everyone else, and sometimes it can be really helpful to get that outside view. The issue is then to be as effective in your praise-giving as possible. Being simple and specific really helps.

Some people like overdoing it. "You're perfect!" "You're gorgeous!" "I'm so jelly!" Going this route may work sometimes, but it is often too much. Whatever other doubts the listener may have, they are absolutely certain that they are not perfect, and if they are so gorgeous, shouldn't that be bringing people to them? Why are they so alone? Because it is so unbelievable, it increases their need to contradict.

However, they might believe that their hair looks great, or that they have pretty eyes, or that something is a good color on them. They may not be able to accept "so smart", while being able to accept "you did a good job on this project."

Staying specific is less grandiose, which helps make it easier to accept, but it is also more personalized. I have to really be paying attention to notice that your shirt matches your eyes, or that you have a nice voice. "Perfect" doesn't really require much thought.

And, don't make too much of a deal of it. If the subject of the compliment goes into full contradiction mode, it's okay to just smile and say, "Well I thought so" and move on. You probably aren't going to transform anyone with one comment, but enough people caring, paying attention, and affirming the good they find could change the world.