Slowing down the forgiveness

Yes, I know this sounds rebellious. Hear me out.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we often talk about the steps of repentance. We do that because we know that it requires a change, and that change isn't going to come with automatically saying "I'm sorry". You can go through the motions and not mean it. Maybe some of those motions will help put you in a better position, but if you have ever been forced by your parent to apologize to a sibling, you probably know it is not foolproof.

A change of heart sometimes happens very quickly, where we don't have to spend a lot of time on the steps, but the goal of repentance is change, which is usually very hard and requires work.

Maybe we don't think about the goals of commandments enough, but it is generally possible to ponder a commandment and understand its purpose better, which then strengthens faith.

It is probably more obvious why we need to repent than why we need to forgive, but we should think about that.

Sometimes it can bring an attitude adjustment. We might get angry at people for things that are not their fault, or that are not even wrong. It is easy to take things personally that aren't personal. This can happen a lot with small children who have recently learned the word "No" or teenagers who have apparently forgotten how to be pleasant. Some parents may feel offended and have to find understanding and forgiveness for the sake of peace in the home and effective parenting. It is important for the relationships, but also, taking that time to understand the other point of view might be really helpful in reaching that peace and understanding.

There are also things that cause real harm. Surprisingly, they are often not personal, and maybe even not intentional, but the harm is still real.

Yes, I believe in forgiveness. God chooses to forgive, and we are required. I also know that God can heal my pain. That gives some weight to the command, but also there is the desire for us to be healed which is important to remember for our role.

Taking a look at why people make certain choices and understanding agency and results can really help us gain greater perspective and grow in wisdom. I am all about that.

Continuing to cling to feelings of resentment and replaying the things that hurt you over and over in your mind can be unhealthy. I get that.

But rushing people through their healing - often by trying to get them to suppress their pain instead of working through it - that is something different, and we do that.

I remember how quickly the survivors and families from the Charleston church shooting expressed forgiveness for the shooter - who had not repented - and yes I guess they offered that forgiveness freely, but it also felt like there was pressure. Some of that may have been because they were from a church community, and religion asks you to forgive, but a lot of it was probably also that they were directly victims of white supremacy, and our society defers to power.

For an example of this you could look at all the non-apology apologies: I'm sorry if you were offended. They tend to come because of a use of language that is a slur for a marginalized group used by someone who is not part of that group, relating directly to power.

For a different example, I don't remember calls for forgiveness of Al-Qaeda after 9-11. I'm not saying there should have been, but I think it is worth thinking about when we demand forgiveness.

Though it may be easy to forget with the way I have wandered, this current series is about gender roles and prejudices. I am reading a lot about gendered violence. No, we don't usually specifically ask women to forgive their rapists (though that does happen, especially in cases of abuse from family members) but instead the women are questioned about all of the ways in which it might have been somehow their fault. This does not encourage healing. It does reaffirm male supremacy, and it is rotten to the core.

We have not thought enough about the process of forgiveness, but I imagine it might be somewhat like the process of repentance. What are those 5 R's?

• Recognition
• Remorse
• Resolution (to change, but maybe this should be Requesting forgiveness from God)
• Restitution
• Reformation

I don't know that they fit exactly, and some of this may be more about helping other people with their healing than healing yourself.

I believe that mental part - the recognition - means that we have to accept that a lack of harmful intent does not mitigate harm, and be aware of power structures and how they encourage patterns of abuse.

I believe that emotionally - the remorse - we should want people to heal and be whole.

After knowing and feeling, what do we do?

Sometimes that is going to involve working to change abusive power structures. It may mean adding protection, so that someone trying to heal does not have to be preoccupied with worrying about future harm. It may involve counseling or community engagement to reaffirm that person's value. So much about being hurt is the message that you don't matter. We should never be reinforcing that.

It can also take time, whether to grieve, or for physical healing, or for chances to talk or be silent and to work through the emotions, rather than pushing them aside. Sometimes making a person whole involves money or medical care or replacement or repair of something damaged. 

Can we promise the person in need of healing that they are safe, and that it won't happen again? If not, are there other ways we can help mitigate the potential damage? What can we do to make this a better world? What can we do to build Heaven on Earth? We probably can't get there all the way, but that is no excuse for making things more like Hell, and we do that a lot.

The last post was about being able to deal with the uncomfortable. Dealing with hurts that you personally can't heal is uncomfortable. Dealing with hurts you caused is uncomfortable. Challenging power structures is uncomfortable.

 Those things are also necessary to what we need to be.

Sitting with the uncomfortable

I am going to refer to someone else's words tonight, based largely on the recommendation of a friend:

https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/eric-d-huntsman_hard-sayings-and-safe-spaces-making-room-for-both-struggle-and-faith/

It came up in the conversation because we were talking about the way people resist knowledge that doesn't feel good, and she mentioned this theme of taking time to sit with the discomfort.

The talk has a broader range than I expected, with one point of annoyance when he refers to safe spaces and trigger warnings in a way that shows he does not understand their point. (His note refers to another author, but I am not bothering with it for now. I will link to this: https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/06/trigger-warnings-and-ptsd.html)

Moving on, I am currently reading about issues with reconciling abuses - especially via the Indian residential school system - in Canada. Some of the most interesting material was about the mythology that Canadians have maintained about being peacemakers, which was partly a way of defining themselves against their US neighbors to the South. It ignores some very literal violence, but also broken treaties and other bad dealing. (US mythology has often embraced the violence.)

There are bad feelings that happen when you go into this. People may feel guilty and disappointed, but they also may often feel hostile and resentful. The belief they had was a lie, but they don't want to lose that lie.

I believe next week I am going to write about forgiveness, and I may not be completely traditional in how I do that. However, if we want to get to a point where wrongs are truly healed, that is going to require puncturing the myths. It will have to require acknowledging wrong beliefs, often wrong actions, and accepting times when we have gotten benefits that we did not deserve. That is uncomfortable.

I do think a normal reaction to learning about a wrong is wanting to fix it. When that seems impossible, there may be a certain logic to resisting that knowledge. The logic falls apart under closer examination. While the past cannot be changed, the present can, and those can be really good changes that bless us all.

Last week I mentioned being overwhelmed at times. When I am retaining presence of mind, I let that overwhelming feeling wash over me, like a wave crashing. I feel it, and then I move one.

That technique started for me when sometimes my mind would balk at eternal concepts, literally like eternity and infinity and things that are too far outside a mortal frame of reference. I would feel sick to my stomach, and push the thoughts away, often with really shallow pop music. That did not feel quite right, and I started just letting the feeling wash over me. I don't comprehend it, and that's okay. I will keep going.

Just as there are times when we can fight uncertainty or embrace it; we can do that with discomfort as well.

I know which one has resulted in more peace.

Hang in there

I don't necessarily mean hang in there and stick around for my slow progress in breaking down gender constructs, though I hope you do.

What I mean for now (and it is an interruption in the gender series) is that I want to take a moment to acknowledge that things are hard out there.

Between financial issues and my mother's health, I am always running pretty close to empty anyway, but this week was worse. It was worse on a personal level with some distressing news and tests needed. They probably aren't even going to turn out that horribly, but the efforts required and the dread that certain words inspire was enough to make a difference.

On an external level, news of racism and natural disaster took an emotional toll as well. I know there is always news like that, but that's exactly the problem. If you care about things and are aware, this is a much more discouraging world than it was a few years ago, and it could be pretty discouraging then.

If there is one thing I have learned through the blog it is that I am not the only one who feels this way. Therefore, I know that there are other people who are sensitive and down, and today I want to throw out some words of encouragement to you.

It isn't just you.

There is room for all of it under the Atonement.

Hang in there.

I also want to share a story.

I pray a lot. I try not to get so overcome with my needs that I forget to count blessings and express gratitude, and that is often very helpful. When I am overwhelmed I try and find just the next thing to do (out of many possibilities). Last night, though, I tried to have a prayer like that, and I stumbled and I was just "Send food. Send money. Send ."

He sent food right away. He sent food through two different sources. I still have leftovers of the food that was sent.

Also, part of that was that I really could not deal with cooking then. Tonight I finally did get around to cooking and it went better than I thought it would.

That was incredibly encouraging.

I don't want to read too much into it, assuming that the money and the other request are on their way. I also don't want to read too much into the people who brought the food getting things that were close to what I would have gotten, but were not in fact the things that I would have gotten. It was enough for then.

Sometimes all you need is a bump to get you through to the next moment and it comes. Sometimes the answers are just comfort and guidance and sufficient strength, all of which are really wonderful things. I understand the good in things not always being easy.

It also really helps that every now and then something is easy.

I hope that for all of you too.