Preparing to listen to teenagers

I guess it's really preparing to listen to people, but I am gravitating more towards the young now, and there are a couple of reasons for that.

One is that they do need our guidance. One of the nicer side effects of getting older is that you develop perspective, and you learn that some things aren't really that bad, and that things go in cycles where relief will come, but problems will return too, and what's really important. Yes, you can age without taking in this sort of wisdom, but ideally you do learn, and it makes life easier.

The other issue though is that we take that experience and write them off. We know so much better than them, and even if that's pretty true, it is not a reason to be dismissive of what they say. Just because we have lived through adolescence doesn't mean we are remembering it clearly. There are things that we put aside, and it is completely reasonable to do so right up until it leads to negating someone who is still in the middle of it.

They know that they are hurting, and how badly they are hurting, and sometimes they know a fair amount of the problem and the solution even if they need some helping figuring it out. If we then are condescending and interrupting, we merely demonstrate that their habit of secrecy was the right thing to do, and talking to adults is worse than useless, becoming actually harmful. So much of their pain comes from feeling worthless, that casting aside their words or their feelings drives home exactly the wrong point.

I have an example. One of the saddest tweets I ever saw was something along the lines of "I think half the reason I'm gay is because my father's never around."

Chances are that your first reaction was "That's not how that works." That's a reasonable reaction, and you could, either kindly or condescendingly try to set him straight. (That pun was not intended; you know what I mean.) And it could be very well-intentioned, but it's the wrong thing.

First of all, his "I think" and "half the reason" already shows that he is not really convinced that this is the reason, and really the tweet wasn't about being gay, or how it happened, but he did put something very important in there, which is that he feels the lack of a father in his life, and that it's a problem for him.

Actually, in his case, there are a lot of problems in the family background, starting with mental illness, molestation of a sibling that hurt everyone, and then substance abuse issues which might not have started with the molestation, but that didn't help. So there are a lot of wounds in that family, and you can't really fix them all.

However, my thought, and what I suggested, was that maybe he could find a mentor, like someone at work, or a family friend. Maybe he could still have a positive male role model to turn to. And that might not work. There might not be anyone helpful, and even if he could find a great mentor, there are still all of the other problems there, which are going to hurt.

At the same time, it addresses the thing that was on his mind, and there's a ray of hope to it. You can do that with one obstacle at a time. Once you start thinking solutions are possible, then maybe you look at other issues, and maybe counseling, or an intervention, or a doctor's visit can be options. But if I started throwing all of that at him now, especially without knowing the nature of the mental illnesses, or what the medical history is, or all of the various aspects, well, that's not helpful either.

They are not always going to be ready to hear what you have to say. One girl with an eating disorder strictly regulates her calories, and it's not healthy, but if she doesn't do that, she cuts, and starts feeling suicidal. This is awful, but telling her to eat is not helpful.

And those are some fairly extreme examples. I hope for many  young people, it won't be anything that awful, though fears about the future and doubts about your own worthiness and attractiveness aren't exactly a picnic. Still, I think the guidelines are pretty much the same.

1. Listen. Don't assume you know what's going on. Don't assume you understand. Listen.
2. Chuck your ego out the door. This is not about you, it's about them, and they do not need your pride interfering with your love or your judgment.
3. Respect them as people. Yes, they are younger, less experienced, and have less legal rights. Chances are they will also be pretty resourceful in doing what they feel they need to do, so "Because I said so" isn't going to cut it. Platitudes are not going to cut it. Sincerity and caring might, but it's still going to take a lot of listening.
4. Don't despair. People successfully make it into adulthood all the time, and you are not the only person out there trying to be helpful. And then there's still the Atonement. I am profoundly grateful for that.