Mourning with those who mourn

I am running very late today, but also, I had to discard what I was writing, again, because the time does not seem to be right. Instead I want to share something simple that I have been thinking of.

Recently there was a discussion going on with someone who has struggled with depression, and she had found it very hard to get support for it at church, because there seems to be a feeling that we shouldn't be sad. We know that God has a plan for us, we are trying to do what's right, so shouldn't we be joyful?

In addition, in the regular blog I was writing about how some early experiences taught me that I should hide my feelings and vulnerabilities, but that led to me suppressing them, and that was not helpful either. There were some emotional wounds that cut deeper and injured more simply because I was trying to hide from them.

Of course we want people to be happy, and if we will do things to increase their happiness, at least refraining from being hurtful, that is good. If we instead focus on our discomfort, or try to cause guilt over the unhappiness, or invalidate the person's unhappiness, we are a part of the problem.

It seems worthwhile to examine these words relating to the baptismal covenant from Mosiah 18:

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

We are asked to mourn with those who mourn. Yes, we can try and comfort them too, but sometimes they will be sad. We can take comfort in the sorrow not being permanent, but while it is there it is real, and it must be faced.

There is nothing contradictory about that.

Vonda

I bore my testimony this month. I don't do that often. I have a testimony, but I am usually not strongly motivated to get up there. This time I was.

As we get into the end of the year, it is common for me that the dead come more to mind. Perhaps it is because holidays are a time of remembrance, or that the life of the year is coming to a close, but often those who are gone will feel very present to me.

This year, starting about mid-November I think, I have not been able to stop thinking about Vonda. I felt like I needed to share my story there. I didn't know why I felt that, but not knowing why anything was a big part of the original story.

In my previous ward, part of my calling was creating the Relief Society newsletter, and part of that was the monthly birthdays of the sisters in the ward. When I first obtained the list and was going over it, I noticed about five women who were marked as letter contact only or phone contact only.

Well, this was going to be a letter, so it was legitimate contact, and an opportunity for contact. I felt like I should send the newsletter to everyone who had specified letter contact.

To not be too weird, I sent a note explaining what I was going to be doing that with the first newsletter, and then it pretty much just went into maintenance mode. If it was their birthday month (because I was tracking birthdays) I enclosed the letter in a birthday card, and I did use some Christmas cards in December, but it wasn't really a great effort.

When they changed our records to the current ward, that calling was ending, and I didn't know if the new person would keep it up. I thought I should send another note so there wasn't this abrupt ending. I sent a note to each of them explaining, and I included my contact information, because that seemed right to do. Having never heard back from anyone, it was unlikely that this was necessary, but again, it felt right.

I knew nothing about most of the names. One I knew was Laotian, and I felt a connection there, and one was Vonda. I had never met her, but I went to school with one of her sons, and I liked him. He was a really nice guy. I was happy to see that name, and it mattered to me that she was on that list.

A few weeks after sending the final notes, my phone rang, and it was a voice I didn't recognize on the other end. It was one of Vonda's sons (a different one) telling me that she had died. He told me that she had enjoyed the letters, and thought of me as a friend she never saw. I thanked him for letting me know, and expressed condolences, and then after hanging up I just fell apart.

I can't even fully tell you what the emotions were. I think there was grief and a sense of loss there, because under other circumstances maybe we could have been friends who saw each other. There were other things there too, including a sense of amazement at all the potential misses. If I hadn't sent that last note, or if I hadn't put a phone number in it, or if I hadn't sent the letters at all.

My first tendency would be to tell you that I never once knew what I was doing, but really it's more that I never knew why. There are probably still nuances that I miss on that. Mainly it reminded me that what I did mattered. It was not obvious that it mattered, but it did.

So I did not know why it was important to bear my testimony, but I did it, and several people have told me that it touched them. Maybe it was important for them. It feels important to write this post now, and I had something totally different that I was going to write for Christmas, but here it is, because it feels right.

We do not always know what matters or why, but I do believe in inspiration. I believe in the power of the Holy Ghost to tell us the things we couldn't know on our own, even if it may be only the bare basics necessary for what we need to do.

And most fervently if all, I believe that people matter. Our relationships matter, and how we treat them matters, because they matter. I matter. And you do too.

Less stressed Christmas

I worry that some will find this post impractical. I admit that our family is non-traditional. The fact that we have no children in even the extended family is different and it gives us more flexibility. That being said, we have changed what we have done so much, and it has always been fine.

Our family consists of seven adults among three households. There was a time when everyone gave everyone a present. As adults who don't need a lot of things, it got to where it didn't feel very useful. We switched to drawing names, where everyone only bought for one person. After a few years of that, we switched to getting together for a dinner where everyone brought a wrapped ornament and we took turns picking or stealing. Later the ornaments were changed to gift cards, and sometimes we just get together giving nothing at all.

At the same time, part of the unhappiness with the gift-giving had to do specifically with one household, and it's the one we see less, so the rest of us have had some years where we have drawn names to give a stocking, or small gifts, and this year the five of us are each giving each other a small gift.

I know traditions are an important part of the holidays, and giving should be the key to the Christmas spirit, but I see too many people weighed down. When I do my toy drive shopping, it is a lot of fun because I am picking things that look cool, and only spending what I think I can afford. When parents are buying for their children and trying to make things perfect, it is fun when they feel like they have succeeded, but there can be a lot of stress getting to that point.

It's not that their love for their children is not a wonderful thing, and that is a more rewarding relationship than I have with the unseen recipients of the toy drive, but there are expectations in place where the giving becomes work, and there is a burden associated with the blessing.

What I am trying to suggest is that it is okay to re-examine, and change strategies. Traditions can bring comfort, but change can bring invigoration. So if one year you decide that the family gift is a trip away, or to take a trip to the toy store and give everyone a budget to pick their own, or to only make gifts - and every single one of those ideas is something that would sound great to some and horrible to others - go for it.

If you feel like you are enduring Christmas instead of enjoying it, that's not the fault of Christ. He does give us labors, but he also makes them bearable and sets us free. So there must be some solution, in accordance with his spirit, that will do that as well.

None of the changes we have made to our gift-giving have ever ruined Christmas. If ruining Christmas seems possible, that is the biggest indicator that a change is necessary.

Less stressed Thanksgiving

I have written a little before about some of my holiday cooking practices, though it focused more on using the leftovers:

http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2012/12/using-holiday-leftovers.html

One of my favorite things about the holiday cooking is that it has gradually become easier, but this was the first year that I realized how much of that credit goes to the upside down turkey.

It is mentioned in the leftovers post, but I cook the turkey upside down. The principle behind this is that gravity pulls the juices downward as the bird cooks. This would be wasted on the rib cage, but is great when the juices are all working their way through the breast meat. This is the bulk of your meat, and the part that dries out most easily.

One of the worst parts about the night before Thanksgiving was mixing the stuffing and then inserting it into the raw (usually still with at least some ice, no matter how carefully you had followed the defrosting instructions) bird. I liked my homemade stuffing, but generally only Mom and I would eat it.

When I considered dropping this step, I was trying to figure out what purpose the stuffing served, and as far as I could tell the purpose was to preserve some of those draining juices. This was not necessary; we had that covered. Having to go back and baste the bird was also a hassle, and I found it unnecessary. I remove the gizzards, neck, and the plastic thing holding the legs together, put the turkey (along with the neck) in a foil lined roasting pan, wrap that foil around the bird, and stick it in the oven. When it should be getting close to done I start taking its temperature, but that's it, and it comes out great.

I thought putting the bird upside down was only solving the issue of dry, white meat that no one really wanted, but really, it was making my life easier in other ways.

The other thing that was valuable was starting this process of deciding what was important and what wasn't, versus what was labor-intensive and what wasn't. The homemade inserted stuffing was a lot of work without much reward, so it could go. A Jello salad had traditionally been on the table every year, but there was so much other food that no one really ate it. Although it wasn't a lot of work to make, it could go. We can have that with other meals, when there aren't so many other options.

It can go back the other way too. For a long time the mashed potatoes had been made from the potato pearls that we would get at the cannery. These were easy and delicious. One year Maria wanted to try garlic-mashed potatoes, and everyone really liked those. Potatoes are more work now, because now they involve boiling, mashing, mixing in, and baking, but it is something that is wanted. (Also, we have started making them with shallots now instead of garlic.)

Traditions can be beautiful things, but they can also be burdens. Consciously choosing what to keep and what to discard can then be very liberating. There's nothing wrong with starting a new tradition.

November Garden Report

Short version: I did nothing!

Slightly longer version: I thought about doing some things, then none of them happened.

Most of the plants are gone and have been uprooted. There were still strawberry plants and marigolds, and I thought about transplanting them, but did not.

Part of that is because I have not decided whether or not to renew the plot. It almost doesn't matter with the strawberries, because I have decided that I don't want them in the ground again.

I read something about how strawberries are the worst berries to pick, and have been nicknamed the devil's berries. I didn't know about the nickname, or how passionate some people were about it, but I knew about picking them. There is no comfortable position, you get cramped and dirty, and there are always stickers and things, and the berries are more in the dirt. They were somehow also the ones that needed the most workers back when I was doing that.  (Probably just a coincidence.)

So even if I renew the community garden plot, I will change something with the berries. Whether I just put them in an urn, or use rain gutters, or hanging baskets, I have not decided yet. However, this is not a great time of year to transplant them. If I suddenly need to do it in January that won't be great either (March would probably be best), but I will have to wait and see.

The marigolds are a different story. They are annuals. Technically they should die out. They have been remarkably strong though. We are starting to get some frost, and this may be what finally sends them to rest, but their resilience has been a pleasant surprise.

I also thought of putting in a cover crop - commonly referred to as green manure - to improve the soil. It sounds like alfalfa is pretty common, though I was getting a lot of volunteer clover, so that would probably grow well. Without knowing if I am going to be using the space, it didn't seem like a good idea. Still, it's an intriguing idea. I hope to experiment with it next year. If there is one thing that growing does, it's make you believe and look forward to future years.

I promise that nothing will happen in December, and probably not in January. Instead, I will be gaining knowledge, to help me better decide what I want to do. I have four books that I want to read:

All New Square Foot Gardening, by Mel Bartholomew
Grocery Gardening, by Jean Ann Van Krevelen, Amanda Thomsen, and Robin Ripley
Founding Gardeners, by Andrea Wulf
Botany for Gardeners, by Brian Capon

Technically the first two are the really practical ones, but taking in the less practical knowledge can be very inspiring.

Reasons I might renew my community garden plot

There are points in favor of the community garden plot as well.

One is that again, it is not expensive, especially when you include the use of the water.

Another is that while I can use my yard, then that involves things like rototilling and fencing parts off from the pets, and things like that. One thing I have considered is maybe putting sections of blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries in the backyard, maybe a plum tree in the front yard, but keeping the patch for regular vegetables. I feel I need more knowledge before I can decide, so that level of planning is on hold for right now, though I will need to decide before the end of January.

And of course the other reason that I might renew is people, even though that was the primary reason I might not.

A lot of people I knew took garden patches, and I thought at times that I would see them there, and that would be kind of cool. It turned out that usually we were there at different times, and the examples of the people who really annoyed me were people I had prior knowledge of.

At the same time, there were a lot of interactions with strangers that I wasn't expecting, and they were primarily positive.

People are attracted to growing space. As I worked, people would walk by and they would look and ask questions. Children would want to help.

There is an older woman who walks in the area a lot. She doesn't speak English, so we smile and greet each other, but all we can really say is "Hi". While the garden was going on, sometimes I could also show her a squash or something. I believe she was impressed.

So there are real community aspects to a community garden, and that may be something I want to continue to participate in. If I don't, someone else will, and I hope it will be good for them too. I still need to figure it out.

Reasons I might not renew my community garden plot

This is not saying that I won't renew, but if I don't, these are the reasons why. Basically, if you are thinking that getting a community garden plot, these would be the arguments against it.

One reason would be money, but that is not a huge reason. The $35 that I would pay for the space includes water, and that is pretty reasonable. Still, I do have the use of my own yard for free.

For many people a reasonable question is convenience. That is less of an issue for me, as I can walk there very easily and have had periods where I was there daily. If you will need to drive to your plot, or even if it's a longer walk, you should be realistic about not just whether you can get there on a regular basis, but if you will.

Mainly, though, if I don't renew it will be because of people.

I have not found litter near my garden very often. While some people do ridiculous things with the combination lock, like having it face inward, or only changing one number so that someone trying to crack the combination would be able to do so very easily, I have never been unable to get in or seen signs of someone who did not have a plot getting in, so it does seem to work out. There have been two things that have really irritated me.

One was one person trimming my tomatoes without asking. No, our plots were not adjacent, and they were not overgrown to the point where they would be encroaching on anyone else's plants. She was just trying to be helpful, and I found it to be a huge violation of personal space. This is a learning experience for me, and I may do some things wrong, but that is my prerogative. Also, there can be reasonable differences of opinion on how to do some things. I told her not to do it again, quite firmly. If I ever caught her doing so again, I was going to report her, but it did not appear to come up. Still, that was a souring experience.

There are other ways in which people are inconsiderate. My plot was really only close to one water spot, which had two faucets. I had gotten into a habit of using the same one, so every time I watered I would connect to that tap, water, and then disconnect. Then someone in another plot started leaving a large hose attached to that tap.

That did irritate me, but okay, there is another one there, and I can be flexible. Then the same people started leaving a hose attached to the other tap as well. Again, these are the only taps that are anywhere near my plot. Every time I went to water, I had to decide whether to undo one of theirs (and these were big hoses where that was kind of a chore) or to move one of theirs to use it for watering my own, or how to work that out. It's just rude. Actually, the time the one knob came off in my hand was while I was trying to remove a hose that someone had left attached.

Perhaps I am overly irritable; I can't rule that out. But basically if I decide not to do the community garden next year, it will be because of how annoying and inconsiderate people can be. If these people sound annoying to you as well, then it is something to think about.