I actually made two mistakes when giving the lesson all those years ago.
One was that a question came up, and I put it aside to get back to the material. I have made that mistake twice when teaching. Both times it bothered me later, and so I wrote something up for the person who had asked, but there may have been multiple people who needed to hear it, and there is no way of knowing. That doesn't mean that all questions need to be given significant class time, but it is important to be sensitive to the moment.
In addition to wanting to finish the material I had, it felt like an awkward question, but it was one that I brought on. As I was going over the issues that the different women had, I said of Bathsheba "essentially raped". I thought the question came up because I used the word "essentially", but it could have been because I used "raped".
Not using the word has been fairly common. Artwork tends to refer to the "seduction" of Bathsheba. If you think about how they defined rape under the law of Moses, a man taking hold of a woman in a field would be, but if it was in the city, she could have screamed, so it must have been consensual.
In Bathsheba's case, they were in the city. We don't ever learn much about her really, or how she reacted to it. The reason I used the wording I did was because I don't believe she would have thought that she had the right to refuse. David sent for her, and that was after asking about her where part of the answer was that she was married. No one questioned it, just like no one questioned it when he gave orders to get her husband killed. Kings can do things like that, which is one problem with monarchy.
Because of that, I questioned whether she would call it rape, and that is why I put in the "essentially". Now I would have just said rape, because a lot of women who get raped don't call it that. They feel it was somehow their fault, or they brought it on somehow, and society will do a lot to reinforce that, when the real problem was that the rapist did not respect another person's right to determine what happens to her body.
Bathsheba may have accepted that the king can do what he wants, and in a society where women were disregarded, and their status was dependent on men, she had probably further internalized that she didn't have a lot of power. She does come across as far more passive and dynamic than Tamar, Rahab, and Ruth.
The terrible thing about that is that I don't find any reason to believe that would have made it feel any better. There would be that sense of powerlessness, the guilt for what was not her fault, the fear that she would be shamed and her husband would not want her, and then the guilt for his death, which was again not her fault, but I do not doubt that she felt guilt for it.
I do not believe it is a coincidence that the chapter starts out saying that it was the time when kings go to war, but then says that David was at home, or that Bathsheba's story is followed so closely by that of Amnon raping his half-sister Tamar (a different Tamar), and all of the consequences from that. They might not have used the word rape, but they all knew it was wrong.
I write this partially because I regret the mistakes I made in that one lesson, so many years ago, but also because of last week's post, where sometimes we need to be rebels. That doesn't mean rebelling against God, but we will often have to cast aside convention and popular opinion.
Part of that can be a need to speak plainly, and to use the proper words for things instead of euphemisms. We can't be afraid to speak openly of sex or drugs or anything that matters. We don't have to wallow in it, or be unnecessarily crude, but we can't be so afraid to name a thing that we find ourselves unable to say anything useful about the thing.
Things are speeding up, so there's no time for beating around the bush.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The women in the lineage of the Savior, part 2
When I gave the lesson, my focus was on how these individual women had specific hardships that were answered in the promises of the Savior. I still believe that all sorrows and trials have their eventual answer there.
Daniel Hill's writing pointed out that showing foreigners and sinners in the lineage was a deliberate way to emphasize the inclusiveness of Christ's mission. That is also a good point, and it shows that you can see the same facts and notice different things from them.
There is another new aspect for me now, that I am open to for different reasons, and that's what I want to get at today.
One thing that helped was my friendship with Marla. I haven't seen her for a while, but in one conversation she had mentioned a professor telling her that her name meant "little rebel" as a diminutive of Mary.
That was interesting. If you look at baby names now, Mary is often shown as meaning "mother of God", but it didn't mean that before. Possible roots for the Hebrew name are "desired child", "bitterness", and "rebelliousness".
That seemed surprising, because we don't think of Mary as a rebel. Prophecies about her showed her as fair and pure, she is commonly referred to as blessed, and even today some people will hold on to that image so strongly that they believe her own conception was free from original sin, that she always stayed a virgin (even though the scriptures mention siblings to Jesus), and that she was bodily taken up into Heaven. Those are mainly Catholic beliefs, and I don't know how popular they are, but they seem to demonstrate an inability to let Mary be human and have a life of her own.
That may be due to a general distrust of humanity, and there is evidence to support that, but to imagine yourself capable of playing a role in God's work, which we are asked to participate in, then we need to be able to believe that as mere and fallible humans we can still accomplish good things. We will grow from serving God, and we can't wait for that growth before we get started. You may be doing bigger things later, but you should be doing something now. It may also turn you into a rebel.
We'll talk more about Bathsheba next week, but with Tamar, Rahab, and Ruth, it had always been clear how they could be marginalized and on the fringes. It was also clear that they took actions that were dangerous and unladylike. Judah did declare Tamar more righteous after finding out the whole story, but before that he wanted her burned, and that was thinking she had only played the harlot, which Rahab made a career of. Ruth's gleaning and seeking out Boaz would have been the most acceptable actions, but they were still pretty bold.
The eternal virgin free from original sin doesn't fit into that company unless you think about her position. She was righteous, but once she turned up pregnant before being married she would not have looked righteous. Joseph could have had her killed. Before the angel's visit he was going to put her away quietly, which would not have been a great position. There would have been shunning and insults, and she probably still got a fair amount of those, even with Joseph marrying her. Mary could be righteous or appear righteous, but she couldn't do both.
That struck me hard this time through the stories, mainly because of the protests against police brutality that have been going on since the death of Mike Brown.
These protests are against the social order, which is built upon some lives being more valuable than others. They make people uncomfortable, and yet, people should be uncomfortable. There have been so many deaths, even if you don't count the other signs of inequality, that no follower of Christ should be comfortable with the current system.
As people who proclaim themselves Christians become more avaricious and hardhearted, there will be more condemnation for actions to try and work for equality and declare the value of every soul. There may be loss of prestige and respect, there may be jail time and injury, and there may even be loss of life. There may even be ridicule from people at your own church.
Sometimes God works through unexpected sources, and there may be ways in which they are more open, having less to lose. That is good, and it is a reason to not look down on anyone, but the message for today is that as believers it should not be hard to get us to hear and act.
The women Matthew named were not well-behaved women by some standards. Sometimes it was just that they did what they needed to do rather than what they were expected to do. They made history.
We need to be prepared to do the same.
Daniel Hill's writing pointed out that showing foreigners and sinners in the lineage was a deliberate way to emphasize the inclusiveness of Christ's mission. That is also a good point, and it shows that you can see the same facts and notice different things from them.
There is another new aspect for me now, that I am open to for different reasons, and that's what I want to get at today.
One thing that helped was my friendship with Marla. I haven't seen her for a while, but in one conversation she had mentioned a professor telling her that her name meant "little rebel" as a diminutive of Mary.
That was interesting. If you look at baby names now, Mary is often shown as meaning "mother of God", but it didn't mean that before. Possible roots for the Hebrew name are "desired child", "bitterness", and "rebelliousness".
That seemed surprising, because we don't think of Mary as a rebel. Prophecies about her showed her as fair and pure, she is commonly referred to as blessed, and even today some people will hold on to that image so strongly that they believe her own conception was free from original sin, that she always stayed a virgin (even though the scriptures mention siblings to Jesus), and that she was bodily taken up into Heaven. Those are mainly Catholic beliefs, and I don't know how popular they are, but they seem to demonstrate an inability to let Mary be human and have a life of her own.
That may be due to a general distrust of humanity, and there is evidence to support that, but to imagine yourself capable of playing a role in God's work, which we are asked to participate in, then we need to be able to believe that as mere and fallible humans we can still accomplish good things. We will grow from serving God, and we can't wait for that growth before we get started. You may be doing bigger things later, but you should be doing something now. It may also turn you into a rebel.
We'll talk more about Bathsheba next week, but with Tamar, Rahab, and Ruth, it had always been clear how they could be marginalized and on the fringes. It was also clear that they took actions that were dangerous and unladylike. Judah did declare Tamar more righteous after finding out the whole story, but before that he wanted her burned, and that was thinking she had only played the harlot, which Rahab made a career of. Ruth's gleaning and seeking out Boaz would have been the most acceptable actions, but they were still pretty bold.
The eternal virgin free from original sin doesn't fit into that company unless you think about her position. She was righteous, but once she turned up pregnant before being married she would not have looked righteous. Joseph could have had her killed. Before the angel's visit he was going to put her away quietly, which would not have been a great position. There would have been shunning and insults, and she probably still got a fair amount of those, even with Joseph marrying her. Mary could be righteous or appear righteous, but she couldn't do both.
That struck me hard this time through the stories, mainly because of the protests against police brutality that have been going on since the death of Mike Brown.
These protests are against the social order, which is built upon some lives being more valuable than others. They make people uncomfortable, and yet, people should be uncomfortable. There have been so many deaths, even if you don't count the other signs of inequality, that no follower of Christ should be comfortable with the current system.
As people who proclaim themselves Christians become more avaricious and hardhearted, there will be more condemnation for actions to try and work for equality and declare the value of every soul. There may be loss of prestige and respect, there may be jail time and injury, and there may even be loss of life. There may even be ridicule from people at your own church.
Sometimes God works through unexpected sources, and there may be ways in which they are more open, having less to lose. That is good, and it is a reason to not look down on anyone, but the message for today is that as believers it should not be hard to get us to hear and act.
The women Matthew named were not well-behaved women by some standards. Sometimes it was just that they did what they needed to do rather than what they were expected to do. They made history.
We need to be prepared to do the same.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Women in the lineage of the Savior
Many years ago there was a painting featured in the Ensign. It was called something like "The Women in the Lineage of the Savior", and it was just five women in a line, with no real distinctions in dress or facial features.
I didn't get the point of the painting, but it stuck in my memory. Later on I realized that it referred to the five women who are specifically mentioned in Matthew 1: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary.
Obviously, there were as many women as men, and these are not the only ones whom we could name. Starting with Abraham, we know the names of the first three women: Sarah, Rebekah, and Leah. If we dig around in the Chronicles, we can find other names: Azubah, Maacah, and Naamah, just to start. This is a royal lineage, and so we know more about them then we would know of other lines. Often in the Chronicles they say whether the king did evil or righteously right after the mother is named, which I think shows an acknowledgment of the influence, but it is still not traditional to list mothers in genealogies.
I thought the significance might be in the stories of these women. Back when I was teaching Sunday School it was common that at the end of the year you would have a week or two left after the lessons in the manual had run out, and one year (I think 2001) I devoted a class to the topic.
I would think about it from time to time, but recently a Twitter contact, Pastor Daniel Hill, has been writing about what we learn from Matthew, including the lineage:
http://pastordanielhill.com/
It is worth checking out.
His tweets reminded me of the lesson I taught, but they also included aspects that I had missed. It also reminded me of something that I did wrong in my lesson. I addressed it later with the person involved, but it still felt insufficient. Perhaps it is time to revisit that as well. Finally, at a different point in my life now than I was then, I find new meaning in the genealogy. Nothing detract from the old meaning, but there is more than I realized. Scripture reading should be like that.
In the original lesson I did not focus much on Mary, but talked about the other four, and their circumstances, and then used scriptures to illustrate the blessings and promises that were found for them.
It was common for them to be widows. Tamar and Ruth had both been left widowed and childless. At the time I only thought of the loneliness in that, but it was also a very dangerous financial position. A woman would be supported by her father, then her husband, then her sons, because they were the ones who would inherit. Males provided security.
Rahab would have been more independent, supporting herself as a prostitute - it is not a coincidence that when Tamar decided to take matters into her own hands she disguised herself as a prostitute - but there are ways in which that is not ideal, and it would not have given her high status. In addition, Rahab and Ruth were not Israelites, in a society where that was very important.
(Yes, I am talking around the sex. It will be more important in the other posts.)
Bathsheba was widowed as well. She gained a new husband right away, and he was a husband with higher status, but even if you disregard any feelings that she would have had about the rape, the loss of Uriah, and the loss of the child, her new environment was not really that secure. There were many other wives and heirs and palace intrigues, for which she seemed ill-equipped. No sooner was David dead then another son, Adonijah, tried to use Bathsheba in his plotting to take the throne away from Solomon. That could have placed her own life in peril as well.
The point of my original lesson was that each of these women survived their circumstances, but also that the Lord had compassion on their circumstances. He had regard for widows and orphans, for strangers and sinners, and that there would be a path for them.
I do not still have my original list of scriptures used. I probably used Ephesians 2:19 for the foreigners, because then they were no more strangers and foreigners. That is something that we can do now, even if do not always choose to. If we have faith, that should be motivation enough to find no such thing as a stranger based on their birth.
For the widowed and childless, the scriptures were probably from Isaiah, and talking about the covenant of Israel. He used the symbolism of a bride who sinned, and her children were lost, and she was sold into slavery and alone, but then restored.
Inside that promise, though, are individual promises. There is resurrection. There is reunion. There is forgiveness. That is the work that the Savior came to accomplish. It was not appreciated at the time, and the work is not fully done, but there is faith now, and strength and comfort from that.
I may have used some verses with Mary too. There is a theme in her exclamation to Elizabeth:
"He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree."
-- Luke 1:52
These were Women who were not of high stature, who were not even supposed to be part of the covenant in some cases, women who were sinners (and aren't we all), women who had such bad things happen to them that they could have been regarded as out of favor with God. They endured. They not only survived their hardships, but they played a role in bringing about the salvation of the world.
There are moving and powerful lessons in that. There is also more.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Mourning with those who mourn
I am running very late today, but also, I had to discard what I was writing, again, because the time does not seem to be right. Instead I want to share something simple that I have been thinking of.
Recently there was a discussion going on with someone who has struggled with depression, and she had found it very hard to get support for it at church, because there seems to be a feeling that we shouldn't be sad. We know that God has a plan for us, we are trying to do what's right, so shouldn't we be joyful?
In addition, in the regular blog I was writing about how some early experiences taught me that I should hide my feelings and vulnerabilities, but that led to me suppressing them, and that was not helpful either. There were some emotional wounds that cut deeper and injured more simply because I was trying to hide from them.
Of course we want people to be happy, and if we will do things to increase their happiness, at least refraining from being hurtful, that is good. If we instead focus on our discomfort, or try to cause guilt over the unhappiness, or invalidate the person's unhappiness, we are a part of the problem.
It seems worthwhile to examine these words relating to the baptismal covenant from Mosiah 18:
8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—
We are asked to mourn with those who mourn. Yes, we can try and comfort them too, but sometimes they will be sad. We can take comfort in the sorrow not being permanent, but while it is there it is real, and it must be faced.
There is nothing contradictory about that.
Recently there was a discussion going on with someone who has struggled with depression, and she had found it very hard to get support for it at church, because there seems to be a feeling that we shouldn't be sad. We know that God has a plan for us, we are trying to do what's right, so shouldn't we be joyful?
In addition, in the regular blog I was writing about how some early experiences taught me that I should hide my feelings and vulnerabilities, but that led to me suppressing them, and that was not helpful either. There were some emotional wounds that cut deeper and injured more simply because I was trying to hide from them.
Of course we want people to be happy, and if we will do things to increase their happiness, at least refraining from being hurtful, that is good. If we instead focus on our discomfort, or try to cause guilt over the unhappiness, or invalidate the person's unhappiness, we are a part of the problem.
It seems worthwhile to examine these words relating to the baptismal covenant from Mosiah 18:
8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—
We are asked to mourn with those who mourn. Yes, we can try and comfort them too, but sometimes they will be sad. We can take comfort in the sorrow not being permanent, but while it is there it is real, and it must be faced.
There is nothing contradictory about that.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Vonda
I bore my testimony this month. I don't do that often. I have a testimony, but I am usually not strongly motivated to get up there. This time I was.
As we get into the end of the year, it is common for me that the dead come more to mind. Perhaps it is because holidays are a time of remembrance, or that the life of the year is coming to a close, but often those who are gone will feel very present to me.
This year, starting about mid-November I think, I have not been able to stop thinking about Vonda. I felt like I needed to share my story there. I didn't know why I felt that, but not knowing why anything was a big part of the original story.
In my previous ward, part of my calling was creating the Relief Society newsletter, and part of that was the monthly birthdays of the sisters in the ward. When I first obtained the list and was going over it, I noticed about five women who were marked as letter contact only or phone contact only.
Well, this was going to be a letter, so it was legitimate contact, and an opportunity for contact. I felt like I should send the newsletter to everyone who had specified letter contact.
To not be too weird, I sent a note explaining what I was going to be doing that with the first newsletter, and then it pretty much just went into maintenance mode. If it was their birthday month (because I was tracking birthdays) I enclosed the letter in a birthday card, and I did use some Christmas cards in December, but it wasn't really a great effort.
When they changed our records to the current ward, that calling was ending, and I didn't know if the new person would keep it up. I thought I should send another note so there wasn't this abrupt ending. I sent a note to each of them explaining, and I included my contact information, because that seemed right to do. Having never heard back from anyone, it was unlikely that this was necessary, but again, it felt right.
I knew nothing about most of the names. One I knew was Laotian, and I felt a connection there, and one was Vonda. I had never met her, but I went to school with one of her sons, and I liked him. He was a really nice guy. I was happy to see that name, and it mattered to me that she was on that list.
A few weeks after sending the final notes, my phone rang, and it was a voice I didn't recognize on the other end. It was one of Vonda's sons (a different one) telling me that she had died. He told me that she had enjoyed the letters, and thought of me as a friend she never saw. I thanked him for letting me know, and expressed condolences, and then after hanging up I just fell apart.
I can't even fully tell you what the emotions were. I think there was grief and a sense of loss there, because under other circumstances maybe we could have been friends who saw each other. There were other things there too, including a sense of amazement at all the potential misses. If I hadn't sent that last note, or if I hadn't put a phone number in it, or if I hadn't sent the letters at all.
My first tendency would be to tell you that I never once knew what I was doing, but really it's more that I never knew why. There are probably still nuances that I miss on that. Mainly it reminded me that what I did mattered. It was not obvious that it mattered, but it did.
So I did not know why it was important to bear my testimony, but I did it, and several people have told me that it touched them. Maybe it was important for them. It feels important to write this post now, and I had something totally different that I was going to write for Christmas, but here it is, because it feels right.
We do not always know what matters or why, but I do believe in inspiration. I believe in the power of the Holy Ghost to tell us the things we couldn't know on our own, even if it may be only the bare basics necessary for what we need to do.
And most fervently if all, I believe that people matter. Our relationships matter, and how we treat them matters, because they matter. I matter. And you do too.
As we get into the end of the year, it is common for me that the dead come more to mind. Perhaps it is because holidays are a time of remembrance, or that the life of the year is coming to a close, but often those who are gone will feel very present to me.
This year, starting about mid-November I think, I have not been able to stop thinking about Vonda. I felt like I needed to share my story there. I didn't know why I felt that, but not knowing why anything was a big part of the original story.
In my previous ward, part of my calling was creating the Relief Society newsletter, and part of that was the monthly birthdays of the sisters in the ward. When I first obtained the list and was going over it, I noticed about five women who were marked as letter contact only or phone contact only.
Well, this was going to be a letter, so it was legitimate contact, and an opportunity for contact. I felt like I should send the newsletter to everyone who had specified letter contact.
To not be too weird, I sent a note explaining what I was going to be doing that with the first newsletter, and then it pretty much just went into maintenance mode. If it was their birthday month (because I was tracking birthdays) I enclosed the letter in a birthday card, and I did use some Christmas cards in December, but it wasn't really a great effort.
When they changed our records to the current ward, that calling was ending, and I didn't know if the new person would keep it up. I thought I should send another note so there wasn't this abrupt ending. I sent a note to each of them explaining, and I included my contact information, because that seemed right to do. Having never heard back from anyone, it was unlikely that this was necessary, but again, it felt right.
I knew nothing about most of the names. One I knew was Laotian, and I felt a connection there, and one was Vonda. I had never met her, but I went to school with one of her sons, and I liked him. He was a really nice guy. I was happy to see that name, and it mattered to me that she was on that list.
A few weeks after sending the final notes, my phone rang, and it was a voice I didn't recognize on the other end. It was one of Vonda's sons (a different one) telling me that she had died. He told me that she had enjoyed the letters, and thought of me as a friend she never saw. I thanked him for letting me know, and expressed condolences, and then after hanging up I just fell apart.
I can't even fully tell you what the emotions were. I think there was grief and a sense of loss there, because under other circumstances maybe we could have been friends who saw each other. There were other things there too, including a sense of amazement at all the potential misses. If I hadn't sent that last note, or if I hadn't put a phone number in it, or if I hadn't sent the letters at all.
My first tendency would be to tell you that I never once knew what I was doing, but really it's more that I never knew why. There are probably still nuances that I miss on that. Mainly it reminded me that what I did mattered. It was not obvious that it mattered, but it did.
So I did not know why it was important to bear my testimony, but I did it, and several people have told me that it touched them. Maybe it was important for them. It feels important to write this post now, and I had something totally different that I was going to write for Christmas, but here it is, because it feels right.
We do not always know what matters or why, but I do believe in inspiration. I believe in the power of the Holy Ghost to tell us the things we couldn't know on our own, even if it may be only the bare basics necessary for what we need to do.
And most fervently if all, I believe that people matter. Our relationships matter, and how we treat them matters, because they matter. I matter. And you do too.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Less stressed Christmas
I worry that some will find this post impractical. I admit that our family is non-traditional. The fact that we have no children in even the extended family is different and it gives us more flexibility. That being said, we have changed what we have done so much, and it has always been fine.
Our family consists of seven adults among three households. There was a time when everyone gave everyone a present. As adults who don't need a lot of things, it got to where it didn't feel very useful. We switched to drawing names, where everyone only bought for one person. After a few years of that, we switched to getting together for a dinner where everyone brought a wrapped ornament and we took turns picking or stealing. Later the ornaments were changed to gift cards, and sometimes we just get together giving nothing at all.
At the same time, part of the unhappiness with the gift-giving had to do specifically with one household, and it's the one we see less, so the rest of us have had some years where we have drawn names to give a stocking, or small gifts, and this year the five of us are each giving each other a small gift.
I know traditions are an important part of the holidays, and giving should be the key to the Christmas spirit, but I see too many people weighed down. When I do my toy drive shopping, it is a lot of fun because I am picking things that look cool, and only spending what I think I can afford. When parents are buying for their children and trying to make things perfect, it is fun when they feel like they have succeeded, but there can be a lot of stress getting to that point.
It's not that their love for their children is not a wonderful thing, and that is a more rewarding relationship than I have with the unseen recipients of the toy drive, but there are expectations in place where the giving becomes work, and there is a burden associated with the blessing.
What I am trying to suggest is that it is okay to re-examine, and change strategies. Traditions can bring comfort, but change can bring invigoration. So if one year you decide that the family gift is a trip away, or to take a trip to the toy store and give everyone a budget to pick their own, or to only make gifts - and every single one of those ideas is something that would sound great to some and horrible to others - go for it.
If you feel like you are enduring Christmas instead of enjoying it, that's not the fault of Christ. He does give us labors, but he also makes them bearable and sets us free. So there must be some solution, in accordance with his spirit, that will do that as well.
None of the changes we have made to our gift-giving have ever ruined Christmas. If ruining Christmas seems possible, that is the biggest indicator that a change is necessary.
Our family consists of seven adults among three households. There was a time when everyone gave everyone a present. As adults who don't need a lot of things, it got to where it didn't feel very useful. We switched to drawing names, where everyone only bought for one person. After a few years of that, we switched to getting together for a dinner where everyone brought a wrapped ornament and we took turns picking or stealing. Later the ornaments were changed to gift cards, and sometimes we just get together giving nothing at all.
At the same time, part of the unhappiness with the gift-giving had to do specifically with one household, and it's the one we see less, so the rest of us have had some years where we have drawn names to give a stocking, or small gifts, and this year the five of us are each giving each other a small gift.
I know traditions are an important part of the holidays, and giving should be the key to the Christmas spirit, but I see too many people weighed down. When I do my toy drive shopping, it is a lot of fun because I am picking things that look cool, and only spending what I think I can afford. When parents are buying for their children and trying to make things perfect, it is fun when they feel like they have succeeded, but there can be a lot of stress getting to that point.
It's not that their love for their children is not a wonderful thing, and that is a more rewarding relationship than I have with the unseen recipients of the toy drive, but there are expectations in place where the giving becomes work, and there is a burden associated with the blessing.
What I am trying to suggest is that it is okay to re-examine, and change strategies. Traditions can bring comfort, but change can bring invigoration. So if one year you decide that the family gift is a trip away, or to take a trip to the toy store and give everyone a budget to pick their own, or to only make gifts - and every single one of those ideas is something that would sound great to some and horrible to others - go for it.
If you feel like you are enduring Christmas instead of enjoying it, that's not the fault of Christ. He does give us labors, but he also makes them bearable and sets us free. So there must be some solution, in accordance with his spirit, that will do that as well.
None of the changes we have made to our gift-giving have ever ruined Christmas. If ruining Christmas seems possible, that is the biggest indicator that a change is necessary.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Less stressed Thanksgiving
I have written a little before about some of my holiday cooking practices, though it focused more on using the leftovers:
http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2012/12/using-holiday-leftovers.html
One of my favorite things about the holiday cooking is that it has gradually become easier, but this was the first year that I realized how much of that credit goes to the upside down turkey.
It is mentioned in the leftovers post, but I cook the turkey upside down. The principle behind this is that gravity pulls the juices downward as the bird cooks. This would be wasted on the rib cage, but is great when the juices are all working their way through the breast meat. This is the bulk of your meat, and the part that dries out most easily.
One of the worst parts about the night before Thanksgiving was mixing the stuffing and then inserting it into the raw (usually still with at least some ice, no matter how carefully you had followed the defrosting instructions) bird. I liked my homemade stuffing, but generally only Mom and I would eat it.
When I considered dropping this step, I was trying to figure out what purpose the stuffing served, and as far as I could tell the purpose was to preserve some of those draining juices. This was not necessary; we had that covered. Having to go back and baste the bird was also a hassle, and I found it unnecessary. I remove the gizzards, neck, and the plastic thing holding the legs together, put the turkey (along with the neck) in a foil lined roasting pan, wrap that foil around the bird, and stick it in the oven. When it should be getting close to done I start taking its temperature, but that's it, and it comes out great.
I thought putting the bird upside down was only solving the issue of dry, white meat that no one really wanted, but really, it was making my life easier in other ways.
The other thing that was valuable was starting this process of deciding what was important and what wasn't, versus what was labor-intensive and what wasn't. The homemade inserted stuffing was a lot of work without much reward, so it could go. A Jello salad had traditionally been on the table every year, but there was so much other food that no one really ate it. Although it wasn't a lot of work to make, it could go. We can have that with other meals, when there aren't so many other options.
It can go back the other way too. For a long time the mashed potatoes had been made from the potato pearls that we would get at the cannery. These were easy and delicious. One year Maria wanted to try garlic-mashed potatoes, and everyone really liked those. Potatoes are more work now, because now they involve boiling, mashing, mixing in, and baking, but it is something that is wanted. (Also, we have started making them with shallots now instead of garlic.)
Traditions can be beautiful things, but they can also be burdens. Consciously choosing what to keep and what to discard can then be very liberating. There's nothing wrong with starting a new tradition.
http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2012/12/using-holiday-leftovers.html
One of my favorite things about the holiday cooking is that it has gradually become easier, but this was the first year that I realized how much of that credit goes to the upside down turkey.
It is mentioned in the leftovers post, but I cook the turkey upside down. The principle behind this is that gravity pulls the juices downward as the bird cooks. This would be wasted on the rib cage, but is great when the juices are all working their way through the breast meat. This is the bulk of your meat, and the part that dries out most easily.
One of the worst parts about the night before Thanksgiving was mixing the stuffing and then inserting it into the raw (usually still with at least some ice, no matter how carefully you had followed the defrosting instructions) bird. I liked my homemade stuffing, but generally only Mom and I would eat it.
When I considered dropping this step, I was trying to figure out what purpose the stuffing served, and as far as I could tell the purpose was to preserve some of those draining juices. This was not necessary; we had that covered. Having to go back and baste the bird was also a hassle, and I found it unnecessary. I remove the gizzards, neck, and the plastic thing holding the legs together, put the turkey (along with the neck) in a foil lined roasting pan, wrap that foil around the bird, and stick it in the oven. When it should be getting close to done I start taking its temperature, but that's it, and it comes out great.
I thought putting the bird upside down was only solving the issue of dry, white meat that no one really wanted, but really, it was making my life easier in other ways.
The other thing that was valuable was starting this process of deciding what was important and what wasn't, versus what was labor-intensive and what wasn't. The homemade inserted stuffing was a lot of work without much reward, so it could go. A Jello salad had traditionally been on the table every year, but there was so much other food that no one really ate it. Although it wasn't a lot of work to make, it could go. We can have that with other meals, when there aren't so many other options.
It can go back the other way too. For a long time the mashed potatoes had been made from the potato pearls that we would get at the cannery. These were easy and delicious. One year Maria wanted to try garlic-mashed potatoes, and everyone really liked those. Potatoes are more work now, because now they involve boiling, mashing, mixing in, and baking, but it is something that is wanted. (Also, we have started making them with shallots now instead of garlic.)
Traditions can be beautiful things, but they can also be burdens. Consciously choosing what to keep and what to discard can then be very liberating. There's nothing wrong with starting a new tradition.
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