Sour girl

It was a concern to me when I would read old conference talks and find that the old magic wasn't there.

I can't say that I have always paid rapt attention to conference; my note-taking has been primarily a way to stay alert, because the length of conference alone is enough to lull me to sleep. Still, even if there were things that I noticed on reading that I didn't notice while listening, or there were things I missed, my general feelings were positive and enjoyable. Since that conference when I got mad at Elder Hallstrom, it hasn't been the same, but I thought it was different. Finding those irritations in older conferences meant the difference was me.

I wasn't happy about that. I wasn't overly worried, because I am still fully engaged and committed, but it felt like it could be a hard thing if I was going to stop enjoying it. (I have been released from nursery too, so I am going to start interacting with a lot more adults now too.)

There have been little things that have helped. It was even there in the talk from Elder Haight: yes, he quoted something blatantly false and Pat Buchanan, but also the counsel he gave for staying strong was accurate and did not align with what he had previously said.

There was comfort in an Ensign article on the Proclamation, that I thought would be horrible but wasn't. (I wrote about that here: http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2018/04/comforted.html.)

But the thing that really brought everything into harmony was a talk from Bonnie D. Parkin, just after she was released as Relief Society president.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/gratitude-a-path-to-happiness?lang=eng

The annoyance came in the first two paragraphs, with reference to women's roles in the home and family, and this question from Eliza R. Snow:

"Do you know of any place on the face of the earth, where [a] woman has more liberty, and where she enjoys such high and glorious privileges as she does here, as a Latter-day Saint?” 

We are surrounded by chauvinists, there is much of our practice the reinforces it, and that is not being against home and family but let's broaden our perspective a little!

See, that's sour. I have never not been feminist, but I didn't used to react like that.

But then in the third paragraph, there was a story of a family that had suffered a lot, but realized that they were surrounded by support, and that has been the story of my family lately. It inspired me to kneel down and say a prayer of gratitude for the support received. It was also the basis for a conversation with my sisters later that came up spontaneously, but it was relevant and I referred to the talk and we had a good talk.

That's when I realized, for all of the frustration, I am still guided and inspired and comforted by church materials. I still have that.

To have that old unruffled enjoyment, I would have had to keep turning off parts of my heart and the compassion in them. I know, some people think that it is turning off your brain, and maybe that could work, but for me it would have been my heart. I would have to ignore everything that I have taken in from anyone marginalized, and harden my heart against them. That price would be too great, and it would hamper my salvation, and I am glad that was not how it came out.

But the other alternative for many is to not be able to enjoy church anymore - which often leads to no longer going. I could not have accepted that. Doing that leaves a church full of conformists who want to convert the whole world, but not accept those people in the world as they are. We do not need that.

Or maybe I could have ended up just staying, but staying sour. That would be terrible too. This has ended up being the best possible outcome for me.

Back after I embraced hating my family (not quite that way), I remember the next Sunday seeing someone whom I could easily find annoying, but still spiritually siblings - still a good person, though flawed - and I remember getting this cycle in my head of "Love, but know" and "Know, but love". It was a cycle, because whether you start by knowing their flaws and love them anyway, or you love them and are still aware of their flaws, I don't know. Both still have to be possible.

That's not exactly cynicism, though it can resemble it. Maybe it's just a little sour.