About judging other people's blogs

No, no one has said anything mean about my blog, but something else has been bothering me.

I don't think I have ever mentioned Josh Weed in this blog, but I did in the main one, several years ago:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/10/why-we-need-to-love.html

The summary there is that he was an LDS man who, although he was gay, was in a loving marriage with a woman. It was a pretty well-known post among Mormons, but I will link to it if anyone is interested.

http://joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-come-closet-ten-year-anniversary/ 

And then, if you are familiar with him, you probably already know about this post, where they have decided -while still loving themselves and their children and not regretting their time together - that it leaves important needs unmet and they need to change:

http://joshweed.com/2018/01/turning-unicorn-bat-post-announce-end-marriage/

Really, both of those posts (where both Josh and Lolly write) were very good (though kind of long) so reading those could definitely be good, but I am going to focus on a reaction that I have seen. It has come from people with a Mormon background, not necessarily active, possibly leaning liberal but often in that way that seems to focus on criticizing other people. (They usually call themselves progressive because neoliberal is an insult, but that's a separate subject that I'm not getting into here.)

Anyway, they are mad at Josh and Lolly for all the damage caused by the first post, and giving gay people false hope that they could live straight, and giving homophobic people something to throw at gay people.

To be fair, Josh and Lolly both apologize for any of that, but they are apologizing for things that aren't their fault. The first post was very clear that they knew this wouldn't work for everybody. I believe one reason they wrote the post is to remind people that being gay isn't this perversion that you choose because of your deep corruption. Sure, that may sound obvious, but there are lots of people who don't agree, and maybe it would help.

One example that was given was a man who beat his (gay) son after reading the article: "If this guy could avoid being a faggot, so could you!"

Again, I really remember them stressing that it would not work for everyone. Obviously this father was not interested in that message. That he had beaten his son many times before I think confirms that there is a limit to how much you should blame anyone else's openness.

Do you know what I got from that post? Well, if you read my other blog post you did, but it was coming away with how much of it was possible because of the love and acceptance his parents offered him. When I later realized who his parents were, it made a lot of sense because they were some pretty wonderful people, and they would love and accept like that. It resonated with me because for a lot of gay kids they have so much work to do with just trying to stay alive and to safely reach adulthood with any shred of self-worth that they don't have that space to work on their relationship with God. I thought it had tremendous value because of that.

Yes, I do know one person who had some false hope because of it, but again, that's not the the first post's fault, though the second post did dash it.

Here is what I think about the second post.

On a personal level, there is something profound about deserving to be loved that way. I mean, sometimes we think of romantic love as kind of a modern conceit, and yet it is hard to give up the idea. At some point that may mean something for me, like maybe there should be more in my life than there is.

More important is that if this couple with these two people and all that they have been able to successfully do together and have together still feel a lack, I hope that is something people will take to heart. I think that could be something that brings about more understanding and change. It could do a lot of good in that way. And the second post would not have the impact that it does without the first post.

I am not pretending to know how all of this plays out in eternity or what church leaders should say. Figuring out my own life is complicated enough, for starters. Also, I am really typical in a lot of ways, pretty white and straight and cis. It would be really presumptuous to think that I should tell people with different struggles how to live their lives. I understand that there is tendency to feel like if you don't experience an issue that no one else should, but I don't think it works out logically. It's better to listen, and love.

So when two people who have been open and loving and tried to do what was right and contribute what they could are criticized for all of those good things, that bugs me, but also, I think the critics may have been missing the point, which people do. That one father completely missed the point. Probably many people missed the point, but that isn't a reason not to share the point. It's a reason to think beforehand, and consider carefully, but not a reason to hold back.

For all of you who are trying to do better and be better with human shortcomings, I support you. For those of you whose strongest shortcoming is a swiftness to think the worst of others and drag them down, I will try and love you too. I wish you didn't make it so difficult.