A bit more on weather

When writing about weather issues last week, I didn't spend a lot of time on preparedness.

My focus was stressing that things were getting worse and that they were likely to have an impact on more areas because of that. It seemed more important to note that climate change can affect harvests and available food, because we all know what to do in case of a power outage or heavy snow or wind, right?

That doesn't always mean doing it. The extra snowfall was a reminder of it, with stranded motorists and canceled activities.

Meanwhile, the East Coast is unusually warm. This might seem like a nice break for them, but if you change the patterns of plants and animals that rely on temperature cues, you can't always predict all of the results. 

People can say they don't believe in global climate change, or that it may be real but they don't believe man has an impact on it, or that they think it is overblown, but that will not protect them from the effects.

Therefore, as with setting health goals, perhaps it is reasonable to walk through a head-to-toe assessment of where we stand and what we need.

Once again, the individual is important. Our needs vary, but also our resources.

In my household of three, two of us work mostly remotely, making transportation disruption less of an issue. The third does not. They were closed for one day, and open for part of the second day, but she did not go in, with her boss not being too happy about it.

Some situations are more economically precarious, with worse bosses and more need to get in. Are you able to get in? Would you be able to get home?

How often does your tank get close to empty?

We heard of many people stuck on the road for hours as traffic slowed to a crawl. I saw someone remind people of the importance of chains, but if you have chains, can you put them on? If no one else has them, will that matter? Then maybe you need to think about if there is somewhere else you can stay. What if there are pets you don't get home to? Maybe you can prearrange with a neighbor to check on them, but that neighbor needs to have a key and know where the food is.

If you have children at school or daycare, what about getting them?

We know someone who has a job she needs to get to and there is a big hill on the way, but she has a vehicle that can navigate that well. Not everyone can afford that; you have to look for solutions that will work for you.

(If you find you need a new job, this may not be the worst time to look.)

Many of these issues are things that have been written about before, but is there actually a plan in place? Does it need updating?

Once everyone is safely at home, then you need to look at power and heat.

Be careful about complacency. I live in an area where it has been very rare for us to lose power, and that is due to the infrastructure. Things can get worse.

Two of us worked for home, but if the power had gone out we would not have been able to.

Yes, we have flashlights and batteries to be able to see. Yes, we have gas heat, though there are some electrical systems involved in running it.

I would love to get solar panels, but it is not currently possible. If you have them, make sure you have whatever connections or backups you need to keep functioning when the grid goes down.

If we lose power here, I have medication that requires refrigeration that will not have it. We have family members who use breathing machines; sleep will be less restful for them. 

Is that a reason to get a generator? Maybe it should be, but I feel resistance to doing so. Are there other things we can do for our specific needs?

We do have food that doesn't require cooking, but that would get old after a while. Here it is very important to remember that you cannot, say, bring a hibachi indoors and cook on that, as it is a good way of suffocating everyone. Having a carbon monoxide detector that will alert you is not a good reason to risk carbon monoxide poisoning. 

(Also, our detector plugs in, though it has a battery backup.)

Does that mean we want to get a Sterno setup? 

If it was going to be two weeks without power, how would you get through that? Would there be enough food to get through, even if you were sick of everything by the end?

Also, since you would be losing things in the refrigerator and freezer after two weeks without power, do you have the means for cooking the things in there first?

Do you own equipment that you are not really used to using?

Those are the types of questions you want to ask.

Do you have a battery-operated AM radio? Are the batteries still good?

Because your phones will lose their charge. Will there be a way to charge them?

And often, it will not be that bad, but I want to add one other thing.

If maybe it will just be one night, food is easy to resolve by ordering in, but are you risking someone else's life by doing so? Because, sure, if those restaurants are cooking and those drivers are delivering, they probably do need the money, but are you exploiting that need?

A people that will refrain from going some places on Sunday because we don't want even people who don't believe there is anything special about the Sabbath having to work should be able to see that there are times when you can do something but should not.

So many of the problems that we are dealing with now have to do with not caring enough about other people -- not even thinking about their needs and welfare-- that perhaps that is the first thing to address.

Previous posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2009/04/february-2009-preparing-for-winter.html

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2010/10/october-2010-preparing-for-hard-winter.html

Things to watch out for: Weather

I know I said I had three things to write about, but the recent train derailment makes me want to add infrastructure. As infrastructure can interact with all of the other three, that is probably just going to be a fourth week.

I said these were things that can cause problems, but also that they are issues that are easy to overlook. When I say that, it is often because there are conservative trains of thought that tend to deny the importance or even the very existence. That also tends to influence reporting.

If you read this blog, you are probably at least open to stepping out of the traditional conservative mindset, so let's go for it!

Weather is becoming more severe due to climate change. 

To some extent we know that because we see bigger storms more frequently and in expanded seasons. If you don't live on the coast of the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico, or in Tornado Alley, that may not feel like a pressing problem.

While those are the events that make headlines, due to the intense damage they leave, that is not the only potential issue.

I am not the best gardener, but my plans were completely thwarted last year. Unusually heavy rains prevented soil preparation past the time of planting, creating a late start. The year before, much of my vegetation was wiped out by the heat dome.

It is amazing to me to remember how predictable weather used to be. We would alternate yearly between mild and colder winters, with a really cold winter every five years. When snow came, it almost always came in February.

Sometimes there were hotter than usual days in summer, but generally only a few, and fans could get you by. I would hate to be without air conditioning now. 

Remember that local housing is built based on prevailing weather conditions. Here in the Willamette Valley, that meant mainly wooden structures, and they don't tend to have basements because we never used to get tornadoes. The needs are changing, and that does not change the already existing houses.

That may seem to be mainly a matter of personal comfort, but extreme cold and heat can both be fatal.

It makes caring for the un-housed population harder.

More severe windstorms and freezes can also wipe out electricity, which affects the ability to stay warm, and access to food, and communication.

But I'm really writing this about food.

Unreliable weather creates the potential for failed crops. 

That can be true of commercial agriculture, but it can also be true for your home vegetable garden that you use to save money and increase health.

And if your home production involves animals, weather can affect them too.

These are just things to think about. 

If you lose power for two weeks, will you have refrigerated medications that go bad? Is anyone relying on electrical devices? Do you have a landline, or will you be able to charge cell phones?

Will you have heat?

If it becomes so cold that the chickens will freeze, can you bring them in the house and keep the house livable?

Sometimes in looking ahead, you will discover small adjustments that can make big improvements. 

Sometimes you will notice large weaknesses that require deeper thought.

I still maintain that the most valuable gift is inspiration through the Holy Ghost, but having that still requires listening, and being open.

Heart Health

After I had several posts that were pretty positive and faith affirming, I was going to spend three posts going over three somewhat related topics.

They are all factors where there is an increased danger of situations where very traditional preparedness skills and supplies can be helpful, but also where it would be easy for church members to miss the increased threat.

Then there was a horrific domestic violence mass killing in Utah, and I saw a bunch of people resolving to lose 50 pounds for the New Year/New Me, and I felt compelled to respond.

There was one more issue related to past few posts that creates a natural transition to the increased threats, and it is really important, so that's where I hope I can say something useful today.

It is not about literal cardiovascular fitness, because that is a temporary thing. For many of those diseases there are medications or therapies or surgeries, but even if those fail, death and the resurrection will eliminate those issues.

Instead, this is about that symbolic function of the heart, where it loves. If your heart is not full of love -- not just the love of those who are intimately connected with you, or similar to you, or seem attractive -- if you do not have the pure love of Christ and feel that for others, then you cannot be saved in the Kingdom of God.

There is a lot of scriptural evidence for that. The classics are 1 Corinthians 13 and Moroni 10, but it is not limited to them. 

In these last days, when men's hearts shall fail them, what do you think that failure is?

Sure, it is easy to hear that as referring to fear; things are scary and people don't feel like they can handle it. 

It this pandemic that leaves a lot of blood clots in its wake, and sudden organ failure, plus loneliness and isolation -- because even if you are trying it can be hard to balance the physical need of safety with the emotional need of companionship -- that can be another way that hearts can fail.

Scriptural passages can have multiple meanings that are relevant for a number of readers, as well as individual meanings influenced by the Spirit.

(I really like this article, especially the section on Isaiah 52:15, for that: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1990/01/the-bible-only-4263-languages-to-go)

I think it is reasonable to consider the kind of failure it would involve for people who profess to follow Christ to not have charity, and how that would make everything else worse.

A class on Roman history taught of a sickness that was going around at the same time as the missionary efforts of the early Christian church. It was a disease that responded well to human care, and it is thought that those Christians receiving ministry from their fellows and recovering may have helped the new faith increase in popularity.

(This was referred to as the Antonine Plague, and generally thought to have been smallpox, though there are some votes for measles.)

Are we helping to heal each other?

Are we feeding the hungry, or withholding because they will just spend money on drugs? Or maybe they wouldn't but they would get lazy if they get too much help, and besides they must have made bad choices to need help now.

Last week we were running errands, and my sisters noticed a man glaring at our masks. He did not recognize us, but we used to be in the same ward.

Even if we were foolish for wearing the masks, should that create such hostility?

Whom do you love? How do you show that love? Is your heart soft enough for a still, small voice to pierce it?

The reason I think this is a good bridge between what we have been covering and what we will cover is that the fat-shaming that leads people to obsess about weight loss also makes it very easy to judge other fat people, and believe they are not worthy of love or acceptance or health care or comfortable seats or to be seated next to someone who is thin. They find it completely justified because it is for health, only it doesn't work that way.

There are lots of fat people, but their efforts to not be fat can prevent building solidarity. There are not nearly as many transgender people, but they are also heavily targeted.

Transphobes will make all kinds of arguments about basic biology (often missing key points) or how it devalues "real" women. That's a small enough group that it may not affect you or anyone you care about, but there is a problem beyond the abuse for either group.

(JK Rowling hates both.)

Hate spreads. 

You might think that you can love most people, but not these two or that other one, or just this group over here. That might sound logical, but it will spread. No matter how unpopular the group is, or self-loathing, your hate will grow and spread. That is why focusing on a some of the less obvious groups works well, to just get in that foothold. You might be surprised at how quickly it starts to include believing in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories or resenting not being able to say the N-word.

Your better qualities will be diminished as you get angrier and more aggrieved. Your heart hardens.

And that makes everything worse. It makes the world more dangerous for everyone, not just that groups you cling to hating. 

Love can spread too.

Love will refine and elevate. 

It seems totally obvious that a churchgoing person, Latter-Day Saint or otherwise, would know right off that carrying around that judgmental anger is wrong, and the target "deserving" it is not really an excuse, but there it goes, again and again.

The scriptures remain quite clear. 

There is also a promise there, an exhortation to "pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love." (Moroni 7:48) 

Perhaps charity does not come naturally to you, but it can be obtained.

Consider it essential.

The Weight

This post is sort of a culmination of the last two posts, but I have been tiptoeing around this part.

I mentioned last week that it should be clear that there were lots of different possible health goals. What I hope was also clear was that there are reasons to be optimistic. For as many potential issues as there are, there are also many potential solutions.

I never mentioned weight loss, which may make it obvious going back that weight loss is the common goal that has been bugging me.

I held off on mentioning it directly, knowing that criticizing weight loss goals will make some people feel very defensive. 

It will also be easy to discount what I say. After all, I am fat; perhaps criticizing weight loss goals is merely self-serving. 

(Though I can also imagine a thin person criticizing weight loss goal, and a fat person replying that it is easy for them to say; they're not the ones walking down the street and being mooed at.)

What I say, I say as someone who has not only read a lot but lived a lot. I speak from knowledge and experience, with love and with honesty.

Trying to lose weight is based on worldly standards. It is most likely to harm you, physically and mentally. Also, giving up on weight loss is not neglecting your health.

We have built up in our minds that weight loss is the answer to everything. That is destructive to health. Patients have been ordered to lose weight, when the weight was a tumor assumed to be fat. Sometimes the difference was discovered too late.

Patients who have been in need of medication or surgery for various, non-weight related reasons have been put off, and people with severe, life-threatening eating disorders have been complimented for their figures.

No, those examples are probably not you, but here is something that is: over 90% of diets fail.

The studies give numbers anywhere from 91% to 99%, but generally there is not significant weight loss. When there is, 80% of people fail to keep it off for more than a year.

Usually it comes back with some extra. If you are told that the most important thing you can do for your health and acceptance by society, and for your attractiveness and worthiness, is something at which you will not only fail but end up in a worse state after trying... that is just a cruelty.

We do all the time.

The new strategy is to call things lifestyle changes instead of diets. That does nothing for their success rate.

One of the things that supports the cruelties of capitalism is this idea that the down side is not really for us. I have heard it expressed as us being a country of temporarily embarrassed millionaires, a paraphrase of a quote from Steinbeck. The point is that the problems of the exploited are separate from you; you are going to get out of that soon. If other people can't, well you are smarter or stronger or more determined... you are not like everyone else.

I think we have similar issues with fat-shaming. Those people really are lazy and slothful and eating too much, but I am going to conquer it this time. There is always something available for a new "this time".

In junior high I tried a 1000 calorie a day diet that came from the doctor's office. It was for my mother, not for me, but still, it seemed reasonable. There was Slim-fast, Nutri-system, 8 minute abs, 30 minutes for slimming your stomach, a blood type diet, the fat-burning furnace... I am sure I do not remember them all. The ones I remember are embarrassing enough in terms of my gullibility, but if being fat is such a horrible thing, why wouldn't I jump at the chance to not be fat?

Except that I only got fatter.

"Weight loss" is so poorly defined anyway. I once lost thirty pounds in a few days due to extreme dehydration; I was not healthier. (That was not intentional, I was really sick.)

I also once gained forty pounds of water weight in a month due to a bad reaction to a new medication. That was not healthy, but it took me longer than it should have to figure out what was going on with the medication because I was so mortified, and trying so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong with my eating.

Focusing on fat made it harder for me to appreciate the health I did have, and to maintain it. Attempting to lose fat was not good for my health.

Please check out this article:

https://closeronline.co.uk/celebrity/news/exercise-weight-loss-contributed-carrie-fisher-death/ 

There is information on how weight fluctuations can be harmful, but also notice the reluctance to really admit that dieting is wrong or that it can be healthier to maintain a heavier weight (there is science backing that up), or even the acceptance on Carrie Fisher's part that she should have to go through the training and dieting again.

Please understand what I am not saying.

I am not saying that I don't get the pressure. I totally do.

I am not saying that there might not be ways in which you should change your activities or eating; that is a definite possibility.

I am not saying that all body mass is genetic either. We should think about class correlations as well, but there is another memory that sticks with me. I was listening to a talk in church, about something that would hold you back in some way. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I remember thinking that I still was able to do it, and the voice coming to me "And it only took you 200 extra pounds."

I do not deny that some of my bulk is related to issues with my father and never feeling loved and accepted, and then exacerbated by focusing on losing weight as the key to that love and acceptance, so pursuing weight loss and finding it offset by weight gain every time.

Yes, that probably accounts for part of my size, but the healing and growth that I have made since then do not mean that I can just take it off now. I need to work on being healthy with the body I have.

I did not come to that right away. I remember at one point realizing that I needed to be able to accept being fat before I could lose weight. Even then, I still thought it was a means to an end; some day I was still going to lose weight and that would fix everything.

There was a way in which that helped me. Because I believed that the weight loss would come, and then everything would be better, it made it possible to survive the things that were bad. However, it also kept me from fully engaging with the things that were good, and the love that was there.

Important things were lost.

When I say that I am more relaxed now, and learning what matters and what doesn't, it's mainly about getting over the need to lose weight to have my life be worth anything. It has also involved letting go of the idea that getting married and having kids would make me feel worthwhile, but that was also tied into the weight.

For your own sake, I encourage you to get off that merry-go-round. Don't expect it of others. Don't expect it of yourself.

Don't set yourself up for failure by focusing on that one thing that is almost impossible.

Even if you did succeed, as unlikely as it is, the self-loathing would still be there.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/01/mighty-in-prayer.html

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/01/setting-health-goals.html

Setting health goals

This is going to meander a bit, but there is a reason for that. When people think about health, they tend to focus on one issue to the elimination of all others. That is often the most destructive path to any kind of progress.

There are reasons for that as well, but for now what I want to emphasize is that just as it is important to be listening for what you should do and what will help you for other goals, that is true for your health as well. Part of that is listening to your body and knowing that you are an individual with your own needs.

We are going to go along the body from top to bottom, but first I am going to mention something not really health related and higher up: my face. It no longer has that dewy freshness of my youth, now that I am in my 50s. (Age will play a role in a lot of this.)

I have been meaning to do facials more often, like weekly, but I kept forgetting or not getting around to it. Part of that was having to dig out my tube of face mask. I recently moved it next to the stuff I use daily, and that helps me remember. So, if you need to make updates to your routine, little things that make remembering and executing easier are to be seized.

Now for the feet.

Speaking of aging, now that I am older I have to wear supportive shoes. I don't think I actually had plantar fasciitis when I was younger and wearing very cheap shoes, but having worn supportive shoes now I can see that they would have helped me then, when I was working eight hour shifts in retail and fast food.

It is not helpful that these shoes are so much more expensive, but being able to walk without being in terrible pain is very helpful. Depending on the severity, inserts may be enough. Either way, being able to move is huge, and support is one way of taking care of your feet.

That reminds us that one thing to look for is pain. Pain is a signal. It is telling you something. New pain, or increased pain, means something has changed, and should be investigated.

We may also visually notice changes. For example, feet can be prone to fungus. You may feel an itch, but you may also notice discoloration of the toenails. There are remedies for those. 

If you have a tendency to get ingrown toenails, and the best solution seems to be regular pedicures that are also a source of relaxation for you, great! There can be good answers once you start looking. 

Moving up slightly, one amusing story from author Beverly Cleary was that her gym teacher told her she had weak ankles, and assigned her to spend class picking up marbles with her toes. I don't know if that is the best method, but later on Cleary was able to ice skate, which indicates that her ankles got stronger.

Are there areas of your body where you know you are weak? Strengthening is possible. Often it is not even a matter of needing to increase muscle mass but of helping the muscles coordinate together better. This is doable.

Moving on up, pain in your legs could mean many things. If you are increasing activity, you could end up with shin splints; those will hurt. This may again be an issue where you need to change shoes, but healing may also require rest. If the injury comes from increased exercise, that will be frustrating, but remember that there are many types of exercise. Maybe that type will work after some recovery and with improved shoes or methods. 

Giving yourself a chance requires understanding yourself.

What about knee pain? If it's arthritis, I have two pieces of advice for you. Depending on the scope, it may eventually require joint replacement, which is amazing for how it takes the pain away. However, it will not restore flexibility. Holding yourself stiffly to try and avoid the pain may lose something that cannot be restored prior to the resurrection. 

I will also add, though, that strengthening your core may help relieve pressure from your knees, or your shoulders, depending on what other parts of your body you use to help with getting up and down. Strength can be increased, and that can help with many things.

As we move past the lower limbs and into the organs, we must now refer to things that are gross. Maturity and an interest in health must be our guide.

So, are you drinking enough water? It is helpful for your kidneys, and your body operations in general. One guide may be how yellow your urine is. It is darker in the mornings after sleep, but otherwise it should be getting lighter throughout the day as you drink. Then, if it has no yellow at all, you may be drinking too much, which has its own problems.

Drinking water does not come naturally to everyone, so this is an area where little things may help. Would it help if you kept cold water in the fridge? What about adding lemon wedges? Should you get a water filter? It does not have to require buying expensive (wasteful) bottled waters with flavors and tested pH or carbonation, but there may be small things that you can do that will make things easier.

Even grosser now: are you pooping regularly and easily?

If not, you may need to eat a more balanced diet. I don't say "fiber" specifically, because it is generally better to eat a variety of foods than to try and compensate with supplements.

If you should be menstruating, are you? How regular is it? Is it accompanied by a great deal of pain?

Pain again, but one issue for women is that their medical issues are often not taken seriously or researched as much. If one practitioner tells you that the debilitating pain is normal, another might be able to help, or at least try harder to help.

Also, even if you are at the age where slowing down is normal, there may be effects from the hormonal changes that are worth discussing with your doctor, 

Don't be squeamish about your health.

How is your digestion? Increasing heartburn could be a reaction to stress, or a sign to lay off certain foods (at least at night), but it could also be a hiatal hernia. There may also be some connection to low thyroid functions.

For your pancreas, do you know how your blood sugar is doing? That can be measured easily. How is your cholesterol? 

As we move to your lungs, how is your lung capacity. Do you get short of breath? When does it happen? 

This can be a training issue. For example if you can walk for miles on flat space, but a slight incline or flight of stairs leaves you panting, you could look at some interval training to increase your ability with raised elevation. 

You may also notice that there are certain times when emotions seize you that increase your breathing rate, maybe not going into a full blown panic attack or even technically hyperventilation, but that you notice. That is also something that can be addressed.

Do remember that COVID has been causing lung damage, and you will not be able to heal that via will power. For all of the areas where you should consult a doctor before starting a new exercise program, this may be the most important.

We have reached the heart. Probably the first thing to know here is what is your blood pressure and pulse; how is your heart doing? 

As we have gone through internal organs, we have been passing by another set of limbs. 

Obviously arthritis can affect the hands and shoulders as well, but I want to mention two other possibilities.

Watch out for repetitive stress injuries. There was a secretary at my grade school who got tennis elbow from cranking the mimeograph machine. Those don't even exist anymore, but there are plenty of other ways to hurt yourself by repeating an action, perhaps most frequently appearing as carpal tunnel syndrome.

Little things like braces may help, or paying more attention to the positions you hold, but it is worth paying attention, especially when it relates to being able to perform a job that you need.

In addition, if you frequently wake up with numbness or tingling in your hands, or your hands are cold when the rest of you is not, that may indicate Hashimoto's Disease, also connected to the thyroid.

Also near the arms and organs we have the back, frequently susceptible to pain. I once made a huge difference for my life by replacing an old mattress, but this could also be an area where core strengthening exercises will help. There may be adjustments needed. The key is to know that pain is not automatically necessary. You may have to accept it, but first see if there is a remedy.

We move on up to the head.

First off, are you taking care of your teeth? Dental health plays into your susceptibility to infection, your pain, and how others perceive you, which can be important for social and emotional health. Dental plaque may even correlate to arterial plaque. 

I hope it is has been obvious by now that this is not an exhaustive list, because that would not even be possible. This becomes even more true with the head.

If we look at just the physical pain of a headache, that could be eye strain or stress or sinus pressure or dehydration or a migraine or lack of sleep or a tumor. The type of pain and other symptoms can be a clue, but there are a lot of options. This is where being familiar with your body and paying attention to changes in your life and how you feel becomes so important.

If you are normally well-hydrated, but one day you are not, and can realize that, that makes resolving the issue easier.

Then if we look at the mind-body connection, things can become even more confusing. For example, a potassium deficiency can show up as depression or even hallucinations. Because potassium helps run the electrical processes in the body (so how your heart and brain runs), that makes sense. However, it might not be the first thing that you think of.

Therefore, having your body physically healthy is going to make sustaining your mental and emotional health easier, and vice versa, but it may not always be clear what to address first.

I maintain my belief that guidance is available if we will listen. Sometimes getting that answer will require research and doctor visits and "own efforts", but it is possible.

I wish you well.

Mighty in prayer

That's my resolution for the new year: I want to be might in prayer.

That phrase came to me, and sounded right; then I had to figure out what it meant.

I am writing about that now because I have seen many things about resolutions from other people, and it seems like a good topic to address.

This post is at least partially a backlash to a certain type of resolution that appears most frequently, but I am going to hold off on addressing that specific one for now, except to say they are resolutions based on worldly standards.

It is very easy to know what the world thinks is wrong with you. 

It is perhaps harder to trace the reasons for those pressures and how they tend to be deeply rooted in capitalism and dominator culture. There will often be ways for someone to profit off of your perceived deficiencies. Even if there is not an actual cash profit, at least if they can feel superior to you, or have you feeling distant enough from other people with similar issues that needed solidarity is disrupted. That still works out for those already in power.

I don't think it will necessarily be helpful for me to go off on capitalism (though it may be worth pointing out that something designed to extract profit from you is likely to have a high failure rate built in), so instead let me tell a story from a friend.

She was living in another city where there was a singles ward but a big gender imbalance. She and her friends prayed for more men to move into the area. Several men did, but they were gay. They kept praying more specifically for exactly what they needed, or at least what they thought they needed (more righteous straight men, with jobs), but somehow there was always something missing in the response.

What I couldn't help but think (and this was long after the fact, so not at all helpful) was that maybe they should have tried asking what they should do instead of praying for what they wanted.

Maybe you should move. Maybe there's someone that needs to be reactivated. Maybe you have personal growth that is needed before marriage would be good for you. 

Please believe me that I understand the desire to be married and the feeling that there is no one there for you. I have been there, but I have also completely missed other messages that were right there. 

Let me add that it was fine, and I still think that things have pretty much turned out well, but there was a lot that I didn't understand along the way.

There are many voices out there -- some of which seem really reasonable -- that are still wrong, at least for you.

I can't tell you what your path should be, but I can offer you my own example.

I believe the reason "mighty in prayer" came to me was because I am always feeling like there is so much to be done and my efforts are so small. In trying to understand what can be done, and what can and should be done by me, that was my direction.

It is an answer, but it's not a complete answer. What does that even mean, and how do I get there?

The first thing that I see that is lacking in my prayers is that I am often too tired to spend enough time on them or have enough clarity. When I have too many worries and thoughts buzzing around, there is a real danger of inspiration being crowded out. 

That makes the first phase of this resolution working on being better rested while also taking time to write about my thoughts, or locate missing items, or other steps to take away some of the noise.

See? Even as I am imploring you to listen more, I am working on listening myself. It takes work, but all of the small answers and guidance that comes are worth it.

If bigger and bolder answers come, that require bigger and bolder things of me... well, being better rested and organized can only help.

Two things about Enoch

Except it's really kind of just one thing.

This is not about the Biblical Enoch who had a city named after him that was united enough to be taken to Heaven. That would be great.

This is about eight people dead in a murder-suicide in a small town in Utah.

https://ksltv.com/516921/what-we-know-about-the-family-killed-in-enoch-murder-suicide/

The first thing -- and this is so Utah -- is comments made by a relative that the murderer removing the guns from the home left his wife, children, and mother-in-law vulnerable.

https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/utah/articles/2023-01-06/family-of-slain-utah-family-says-husband-took-guns-from-home

The theory is that both women were trained in gun safety and able to protect human life, so if they'd had their own guns they would have been able to take him out, I guess.

“This is the type of loss that will continue to occur in families, communities and this nation when protective arms are no longer accessible.”

I suspect him having the guns was a bigger problem than her not having the guns.

This is where it kind of becomes the same thing... I doubt that Tausha Haight would have been able to kill her husband nearly as easily as he was able to kill her.

This is not about women being more tender or gentle or timid, but one thing that happens in our social conditioning is that it is much easier for a man to view his wife and children as his property and his by right than it is for a woman to believe that.

It is easier to kill property than people.

One of the more enlightening Twitter accounts can be found at https://twitter.com/ask_aubry. She pulls news stories and items from forums and dating sites, but also she will frequently get text or message threads and post them, removing the names.

With horrifying frequency you will see threads where a man initiates contact with a woman, is being all friendly and supportive, and then, as soon as he deems that there is not an appropriate response, lets loose a string of abuse. 

Now, you might think that inappropriate response would be a "No." Sometimes it is, but also sometimes it is just not being available at the requested time and suggesting a later date. Sometimes it is simply not responding within the desired time frame. The scariest of those was someone adding that he knew she was not driving when she got the text, because it only takes her so many minutes to get home, even if she does have to wait for the light.

Often thrown in with all of the profane insults is something about being just like all the others. Many posts seem to demonstrate a belief that women are like video games with cheat codes; if you go through the proper steps you should be able to get one, regardless of her interests. That makes it horribly unfair when the process fails, and it justifies hate.

No, they are not all going to turn homicidal. Sometimes it's just that they won't take her needs seriously, or that all of the domestic chores are women's work (from which she never gets time off). Often it is a benevolent sexism where there is a pedestal and talk about "marrying up", but none of it is as valuable as being able to be recognized for the full person that she is.

And then, when masculinity requires that he can't lose to her, yeah, sometimes they get violent and it's not always easy to predict.

Except when you're leaving, that is when the danger is highest; that is pretty well-established. The murderer had recently received divorce papers.

Also, him taking all of the guns is a red flag, but often the only route to safety is disappearing, uprooting everything in your life. That's hard enough for one person, and with five children would be almost impossible.

What we really need is a change in thinking.

Years ago I read a book, Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny by Kate Manne. She focused a lot on definitions, and the end result seemed to be that men feel women should be available to them, even if it's just a matter of smiling on command. There can be exceptions if the woman is property of some other man -- that's why if a man is being creepy to one woman and finds out she is married, he will apologize to her husband -- but overall, women should be at men's disposal.

Which can also result in being perceived as disposable.

This is not good for men either. As part of dominator culture it means that they are in competition with other men, when it would be unity and cooperation that would get us back to God.

It can be a barrier to depth in relationships, when the woman is perceived as an object instead of an equal subject.

Quite frankly, it also allows men to remain mediocre, which interferes with the purpose of this life, but it sure gets resented when they start feeling that pressure of having to be more.

So no, they don't always kill, but that happens often enough that we should think about getting over the shock and eradicating the root cause.

 

ETA: Linking to this post from DesignMom who adds some insight, and also references Kate Manne:

https://designmom.substack.com/p/he-murdered-his-whole-family-who