I recently read an article in a women’s magazine about how to find Mr. Right. It said you should ask yourself three questions:
· Is he a good man?
· Is he crazy about you?
· Is he willing to grow with you?
If you can respond, “Yes” to all three, you should be able to have a happy marriage with him.
These are pretty good questions (though I suspect that there actually needs to be a fourth question about feelings of attraction towards him), but these questions presuppose that there is someone to ask those questions about. They aren’t really about finding Mr. Right so much as recognizing him when he appears.
In much the same way, the July newsletter had great questions to think about if you already have an individual in mind, but many of us have not yet reached that stage. We may not even be close. This is fine. Making the transition from single person to temple marriage involves many steps, and you have to start from where you are. This month we are focusing on dating.
For the some people, dating can be the hardest part. They are good at getting answers to prayer, and setting goals, and doing all righteous, spiritual things, but secular socialization, flirting, and finding the confidence to ask someone out feels completely different.
If this is you, take heart. Although at times it will be awkward and painful, it is temporary. Yes, you should ask your spouse on regular dates, but by then your fear of rejection should have subsided. Honest communication will still be important, and can still be uncomfortable, but it will be with someone who has made an eternal commitment to you. You just need to steel yourself to get from point A to point B, and then the playing field changes completely.
When it comes to fear of dating, remember that the fear is often worse than the actuality, and so after the first few times, you learn that, and the fear ebbs. Fear also often comes from self-imposed pressure and false mindsets. We can review a few things that should help.
First of all, you need to take away any expectations for immediate success. A few years ago we had a string of couples getting married where each of the men was marrying the third girl he had dated in the ward. Three is not necessarily a magic number, but getting to know other people is helpful in discovering your own needs, and what means compatible to you.
Since you are probably going to have to date more than one person, both parties need to remember that a single date is not a promise. Multiple dates are not necessarily a promise. (Though if you hang out with her all the time, and are not dating anyone else, it’s going to start feeling like a promise.) A date is merely an agreement to spend some time together, with no strings attached. You do not have to ask her out again. If you do ask her out again, she does not have to accept. It’s special when you both want to see each other again, and that’s why we’re doing it, but it doesn’t always happen and that is perfectly fine.
There are obligations, but they are the normal, human obligations of being a good person. You should be kind, honest, and respectful. Sometimes the answer will be “no”, but that should never be a cruel “no”. (It may need to become a very firm “no” if someone is not getting the message, but it can still be honest and respectful.)
It is also good for men to know that women tell each other things. If you are rude, dishonest, or unkind to one female, news may travel to others and can be held against you in the future, though you may not know what the specific reason is. If you are aware of any behavior that could use an apology, it’s best to just get that out of the way.
Now, I realize these are written as if the male is doing the asking, but this is the common expectation. Some people feel more strongly about whether or not it is permissible for females to ask, but the good thing is if your feelings are strongly opposite, you were probably not going to be compatible anyway, so just do what feels right to you there.
We have focused on fear as the main obstacle. For dating ideas, especially low-cost ones, there is a lot of information out there on web sites and in handouts from Mutual. For finding the right person, well, if you date enough people, you should meet at least a few that you can like. The big issue tends to be fear. Social anxiety is nothing new, so here are a few ideas to help that.
· Have a wingman: Double or triple dates can remove a lot of pressure. At some point you should move on to one-on-one dates, but if this makes starting out easier, go for it. The important thing is that you do make it an actual date, with defined couples, and not a bunch of people hanging out. Hanging out has not proven to be as effective in building relationships as dating.
· Ask for something specific: Some people feel more comfortable building the date around a specific event or planned activity, rather than just asking, “Do you want to go out some time?” That way, if they say no, it is the event and not you. The drawback is that they might be saying no to the event, but then you interpret it as you. This is where clear communication is handy. “Thank you, but no,” can be for the person, “I’m not free then, but maybe some other time,” can be for the timing, and “Thanks, but I hate Jim Carrey (or something appropriate),” can be for the event. It’s something to build on. For one thing, if you love Jim Carrey, maybe this is the wrong relationship to pursue. The point is, you are finding out more information.
· Get an alibi: Bishop Duncombe used to tell his future wife “So and so said that I should take you out.” Whether or not this was true for him, you could try this as an opening line, and some people may find it cute. More to the point, if you do not have any ideas on where to start, you can also ask friends for advice on whom to date, or where you are going wrong if you have been trying.
· Get to know the person first: It should be obvious, but if the first time you ever speak to someone it is to request a date, this can be off-putting. They may feel that you are asking for shallow reasons, or wonder if there is a dare going on. It is perfectly fine to try dating someone based on mere physical attraction, because it is just a date, but you are then open to being rejected solely on physical grounds because you went there first. When you both know each other as people, even if not very well, it’s a different conversation.
Besides, the additional socialization is good practice. Smile and greet people when you see them. Introduce yourself when you don’t know someone. Sit next to different people in Sunday School (which you are attending). This allows you to make inroads with a little effort, improving your chances for when the time comes to extend an invitation. It also makes for a friendlier ward!
You may have noticed that the overarching theme is that things will work out, even if there are some tough spots. This is true as long as you are doing something. What makes things work out is that you are taking action.
While it helps to remember that not every date will result in marriage, marriage is still the long-term goal. If you find that you are ambiguous on that goal, that you don’t want it, or that something beyond fear or apathy is holding you back from dating, that indicates that more pondering and work is required. We’ll get to that.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
August 2009 - Preparing for good health
In November we covered pandemic illness, which seemed on the verge of becoming a reality in April, when we began hearing about swine flu. After, swine flu became something of a joke, as it never really seemed to take flight.
Actually, the virus never went away, and is expected to have a surge during the normal flu season. This gradual build-up is useful, because it allows time for a vaccine to be developed, which should become available in mid-October (it will be a separate vaccine from the usual yearly flu shot).
The usual precautions will still apply, about covering your mouth and nose when you sneeze and cough and washing your hands (preferably, cover with your arm, or you will probably not be able to wash your hands frequently enough). Added to that is a precaution to stay away from crowds and to get the vaccination, and a strong plea that if you do come down with any strain of influenza that you stay home and quit passing it around. You can find more information at http://www.flu.oregon.gov/.
Those steps can be very important, but instead I want to focus on maintaining your overall health. A body that you treat well is better able to fight disease, both before and after infection. A body well cared for will feel better and live longer. Despite this, we often ignore some of the most basic aspects of self-care.
In the August 19th “YOU Docs” column in The Oregonian, a reader wrote saying that his doctor had told him to eat healthier and exercise, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. The advice was related specifically to preventing cancer and heart issues, but is good for general health as well. The docs advised four things that anyone can start doing today.
1.) Walk thirty minutes a day. There are certainly experts who recommend more frequent and more intense exercises, but, walking thirty minutes a day is something anyone can do. It does not require a gym membership, equipment, or even a significant investment in time.
2.) Call a buddy and report that you have done it. Maybe add to this by buying a pedometer and reporting step counts, aiming for over 10,000 steps a day. Having someone who knows your goal increases your sense of accountability.
3.) After three weeks, start doing strengthening exercises for the muscle groups in your backs, abdominals, and legs. Do these for ten minutes, three times a week. This may seem more complicated than the walking part, as you worry about which exercises to do, correct form, and a possible need to buy equipment. However, there is lots of information out there, there are exercises that can be done at home, and exercises that can be done without equipment, and also, you will have built confidence and stamina by getting three weeks of walking exercises under your belt. You will be ready for a new challenge.
4.) To eat healthier, they recommended avoiding all four-legged fats, along with palm and coconut oil, eating only whole grains, and eating nine fistfuls of fruits and vegetables a day. Why fistfuls? So there is no ambiguity about figuring out a serving.
This last piece of advice may seem extreme. After all, four-legged animals and refined grains are delicious. However, there are some echoes in there (every fruit in the season thereof…flesh also of the beasts…are to be used sparingly…All grain is ordained for the use of man…) that may make it worth at least giving these ideas a second look.
For other ideas on maintaining good health, it is interesting to take a look at the Real Age test (http://www.realage.com/). This test determines your biological age based on questions about your lifestyle. If you are living the bare basics of the Word of Wisdom (specifically not smoking or drinking), and regularly attending church, this will automatically lower your biological age, perhaps compensating for some other unhealthy practices. Having good friends and relationships makes you younger and healthier, perhaps providing an extra benefit to having that workout buddy. In general, going over the questions can lead to some interesting thoughts.
When one of my friends took it many years ago, he was surprised to be asked about flossing. Now they just ask about the existence of various dental conditions, like peridontitis, gingivitis, or dentures, but the point is that there is a connection between dental health and overall health, particularly with cardiovascular health and cholesterol. The connection is not fully understood—it may just be that having healthy gums eliminates an easy point of infection—but it should certainly be extra motivation for brushing and flossing.
There are areas over which you will have no control. Your ethnic background and your family medical history does have an impact on your health, and cannot be changed. However, knowing now what issues are more likely allows you to plan ahead and take extra steps for prevention. Higher incomes tend to correlate with better health, but changing your income level is tricky, and can have a lot of obstacles. Managing stress is important, but some people find that very difficult.
Still, there are plenty of things that you can do that are relatively easy, from avoiding speeding to taking vitamins. Even if at the beginning all you are doing is walking for fifteen minutes a day and eating one fistful of fruit, it is a start. If that is better than the day before, it is still something.
Various studies have shown health benefits to marriage, especially happy marriages, and especially for males. So next month we return to our three part series on “Preparing for marriage” with part two, “Preparing to date”. Perhaps it would be good to find some stress-handling strategies between now and then.
Actually, the virus never went away, and is expected to have a surge during the normal flu season. This gradual build-up is useful, because it allows time for a vaccine to be developed, which should become available in mid-October (it will be a separate vaccine from the usual yearly flu shot).
The usual precautions will still apply, about covering your mouth and nose when you sneeze and cough and washing your hands (preferably, cover with your arm, or you will probably not be able to wash your hands frequently enough). Added to that is a precaution to stay away from crowds and to get the vaccination, and a strong plea that if you do come down with any strain of influenza that you stay home and quit passing it around. You can find more information at http://www.flu.oregon.gov/.
Those steps can be very important, but instead I want to focus on maintaining your overall health. A body that you treat well is better able to fight disease, both before and after infection. A body well cared for will feel better and live longer. Despite this, we often ignore some of the most basic aspects of self-care.
In the August 19th “YOU Docs” column in The Oregonian, a reader wrote saying that his doctor had told him to eat healthier and exercise, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. The advice was related specifically to preventing cancer and heart issues, but is good for general health as well. The docs advised four things that anyone can start doing today.
1.) Walk thirty minutes a day. There are certainly experts who recommend more frequent and more intense exercises, but, walking thirty minutes a day is something anyone can do. It does not require a gym membership, equipment, or even a significant investment in time.
2.) Call a buddy and report that you have done it. Maybe add to this by buying a pedometer and reporting step counts, aiming for over 10,000 steps a day. Having someone who knows your goal increases your sense of accountability.
3.) After three weeks, start doing strengthening exercises for the muscle groups in your backs, abdominals, and legs. Do these for ten minutes, three times a week. This may seem more complicated than the walking part, as you worry about which exercises to do, correct form, and a possible need to buy equipment. However, there is lots of information out there, there are exercises that can be done at home, and exercises that can be done without equipment, and also, you will have built confidence and stamina by getting three weeks of walking exercises under your belt. You will be ready for a new challenge.
4.) To eat healthier, they recommended avoiding all four-legged fats, along with palm and coconut oil, eating only whole grains, and eating nine fistfuls of fruits and vegetables a day. Why fistfuls? So there is no ambiguity about figuring out a serving.
This last piece of advice may seem extreme. After all, four-legged animals and refined grains are delicious. However, there are some echoes in there (every fruit in the season thereof…flesh also of the beasts…are to be used sparingly…All grain is ordained for the use of man…) that may make it worth at least giving these ideas a second look.
For other ideas on maintaining good health, it is interesting to take a look at the Real Age test (http://www.realage.com/). This test determines your biological age based on questions about your lifestyle. If you are living the bare basics of the Word of Wisdom (specifically not smoking or drinking), and regularly attending church, this will automatically lower your biological age, perhaps compensating for some other unhealthy practices. Having good friends and relationships makes you younger and healthier, perhaps providing an extra benefit to having that workout buddy. In general, going over the questions can lead to some interesting thoughts.
When one of my friends took it many years ago, he was surprised to be asked about flossing. Now they just ask about the existence of various dental conditions, like peridontitis, gingivitis, or dentures, but the point is that there is a connection between dental health and overall health, particularly with cardiovascular health and cholesterol. The connection is not fully understood—it may just be that having healthy gums eliminates an easy point of infection—but it should certainly be extra motivation for brushing and flossing.
There are areas over which you will have no control. Your ethnic background and your family medical history does have an impact on your health, and cannot be changed. However, knowing now what issues are more likely allows you to plan ahead and take extra steps for prevention. Higher incomes tend to correlate with better health, but changing your income level is tricky, and can have a lot of obstacles. Managing stress is important, but some people find that very difficult.
Still, there are plenty of things that you can do that are relatively easy, from avoiding speeding to taking vitamins. Even if at the beginning all you are doing is walking for fifteen minutes a day and eating one fistful of fruit, it is a start. If that is better than the day before, it is still something.
Various studies have shown health benefits to marriage, especially happy marriages, and especially for males. So next month we return to our three part series on “Preparing for marriage” with part two, “Preparing to date”. Perhaps it would be good to find some stress-handling strategies between now and then.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Bonus wedding issue
I recently had a long message thread going with a friend who is getting married. The engagement is short, and the budget is small, so that puts some interesting constraints, and my sisters and I set up suggestions for her, and things to think about.
As the last letter was about getting married (and there is a good chance the next two will relate), I am adapting those tips and posting here. After all, a big key to preparedness and provident living is that you are thinking about things and making informed decisions, rather than just letting things happen. So, this kind of works, and if enough people act on the information in the last letter, maybe many people will need this.
Our friend already had already ordered the dress and found a person for the cake and for photography, so there won't be as much information there. It may be a little disjointed since I am combining things from three messages and some live conversation.
Pictures pretty much always take longer than planned, so allow a good amount of time for them. If you will want someone taking pictures both after the temple and at the reception, it may be easier if you are working with a friend or family member.
It sounds like you have already reserved the church building and made arrangements with the temple for the sealing. When we were talking with the woman at the temple, we talked about the marriage license (allow three days to process, good for two months), and that you will need a living ordinance recommend (so you need to meet with your bishops), so I assume those are covered.
It sounds like you have also already ordered the dress. If there are issues with that, I do have a friend who works at David’s Bridal, and maybe she will have suggestions if you need alterations. Along with the dress, you need to think about shoes, hose, jewelry, hair, and make-up. Do you want to do something old, new, borrowed, and blue? At least getting the tuxedo is relatively easy.
(Added: I was really impressed with the workers at the Soho Booth in Washington Square. They tried out different hairstyles, allowing different options, and were really helpful.)
The invitations can be hard, especially because you need to get them ready and mailed out really quickly. It may be best not to go to a traditional print shop for invitations, but instead, see what a copy shop will do. I would try Lazerquick, as they are usually less expensive and less busy than Kinkos. You can also probably get blanks at a party shop and then have the copy shop fill them in. (If you get thank you cards at the same time, you can get them to match.)
Flowers will be the other thing that could be difficult, since this is the height of wedding season and regular floral shops might be really busy. I normally recommend Westside Florists because they give you good value, but again, they might be busy. If you know people with gardens, something could probably be done homemade. Also, you can check at a farmer’s market, and I have a friend who works at the flower mart where the farmers sell to the florists, so she might have some ideas. You will want to think about a bouquet for you, boutonniere, possibly a headpiece, and then maybe décor like centerpieces or background greenery.
That leads to décor for the hall, which doesn’t have to be plant life. Some people do chair backings and tablecloths, or trellises. There are rental places that can help with this, but it depends what you want.
It sounds like you probably already have someone to do the cake. The next thing to consider is other food, which can run the gamut from some bowls of mints and nuts to hot foods or rolls and deli meats, along with plates, cups, and serving utensils. I really recommend looking at the Cash & Carry for this. They have really good prices, and a pretty good selection. You would have to pay cash, but it is affordable. (For napkins, though, you may want a party store to get kind of nicer ones in a wedding color.) We do have a small punch bowl, but you probably know someone with a bigger one.
(Sometimes a groom’s cake is fun. Our sister in law got Lance one shaped like a shoe. Partly it was to give him a chocolate cake, but the shoe was a joke between them that he was always putting his foot in his mouth.)
After that, most of the other concerns aren’t so much where to get things, but just what to do. The last reception we were at had live classical music, but we have been at ones with DJs or just pre-recorded CDs. Do you want dancing? Bouquet and garter tosses? Toasts? An official time for cake cutting? Sometimes people will want all of those things, or maybe special songs by family members, and they will print programs with the schedule of what happens when. That information can also go on the invitation. It is just something to think about.
You will probably want to get a guest book for people to sign, and you should definitely have a table set up for people dropping off presents. You may want to consider setting up some kind of photo display of the two of you. It is also frequent, but not necessary, to provide wedding favors, and/or something for the guests to throw at you when you leave. If you do want this, the party store is still probably the way to go. There is one right by Jones Farm that has a lot of wedding stuff.
I strongly recommend either getting a chauffeured car for the getaway, or having someone you trust guard the car, because people do stupid things to the cars of people getting married.
Have you thought about having a ring ceremony? It might be nice for your family, but sometimes it doesn’t feel right, like it is taking away from the temple. It might be better to have a nice family luncheon after the wedding, where the two families can celebrate together.
The big thing will be having people to help. I know Julie offered us to help decorate, but there is also clean-up, and serving food, cake, and punch. The good thing is, you can probably draw upon people in three wards.
For the honeymoon, think about appropriate packing based on activities (too early to know now, but it will go fast), and airport transportation.
On the issue of cake-cutting, people generally take on of two approaches. One is that the bride and groom cut the cake in about the middle of the reception, and then the cake gets served, but this way a lot of people never get cake. This can be fine, but I think usually they intend for everyone to get cake, and it just doesn't happen. There are probably more leftovers this way.
The other common occurrence is that they realize this will be an issue, so what they actually serve the guests is sheet cake, and the wedding cake is more for display. In this case, usually the top tier is saved for the first anniversary, the middle tier is for the bride and groom to slice at the reception, and the bottom tier is a big hunk of foam, frosted like cake. This way is probably easiest in terms of serving, because the sheet cake is easier to slice, but I don't like the thought of wasting perfectly good frosting on styrofoam.
Honestly, I am not sure what I would do myself. I might just slice the cake right at the beginning of the reception. Sure, not many people would see it happen, but how big of a deal is that?
Anyway, those are the issues, so you can think about what you prefer.
By the way, there are guides to cutting on-line, which I think is kind of cool, but if you do it this way I don't see how the thread/floss method can work:
http://www.wilton.com/cakes/cake-cutting-guides/wedding-cake-cutting-guide.cfm
http://www.baking911.com/cakes/cutting_guide.htm
For the number of food crew, it depends on what you are doing. It sounds like you have three tables of food, plus one punch table, and one cake table. You could have one person in charge of each table, but depending on what is being served, and whether or not it needs any in-kitchen preparation, what the adequate number would be could vary widely. I know. That's not very specific.
If the caterer has everything ready and on trays, and the kitchen person is just taking out full trays to replace empty trays, and they don't have to deal with the cake, then I think 3, or maybe even 2 people would be enough. This kind of overlaps with clean-up, but it would be good to add another kitchen person who floats around and clears empty plates and cups from the tables. Some people will throw out their own, but not everyone will.
Julie strongly recommends having someone who keeps an eye on the guest book, favors, and gift table, which ideally will all be near each other. This person would kind of act like a greeter, and can keep anything from going missing. Maybe have two people alternate so they can spend some time inside.
As the last letter was about getting married (and there is a good chance the next two will relate), I am adapting those tips and posting here. After all, a big key to preparedness and provident living is that you are thinking about things and making informed decisions, rather than just letting things happen. So, this kind of works, and if enough people act on the information in the last letter, maybe many people will need this.
Our friend already had already ordered the dress and found a person for the cake and for photography, so there won't be as much information there. It may be a little disjointed since I am combining things from three messages and some live conversation.
Pictures pretty much always take longer than planned, so allow a good amount of time for them. If you will want someone taking pictures both after the temple and at the reception, it may be easier if you are working with a friend or family member.
It sounds like you have already reserved the church building and made arrangements with the temple for the sealing. When we were talking with the woman at the temple, we talked about the marriage license (allow three days to process, good for two months), and that you will need a living ordinance recommend (so you need to meet with your bishops), so I assume those are covered.
It sounds like you have also already ordered the dress. If there are issues with that, I do have a friend who works at David’s Bridal, and maybe she will have suggestions if you need alterations. Along with the dress, you need to think about shoes, hose, jewelry, hair, and make-up. Do you want to do something old, new, borrowed, and blue? At least getting the tuxedo is relatively easy.
(Added: I was really impressed with the workers at the Soho Booth in Washington Square. They tried out different hairstyles, allowing different options, and were really helpful.)
The invitations can be hard, especially because you need to get them ready and mailed out really quickly. It may be best not to go to a traditional print shop for invitations, but instead, see what a copy shop will do. I would try Lazerquick, as they are usually less expensive and less busy than Kinkos. You can also probably get blanks at a party shop and then have the copy shop fill them in. (If you get thank you cards at the same time, you can get them to match.)
Flowers will be the other thing that could be difficult, since this is the height of wedding season and regular floral shops might be really busy. I normally recommend Westside Florists because they give you good value, but again, they might be busy. If you know people with gardens, something could probably be done homemade. Also, you can check at a farmer’s market, and I have a friend who works at the flower mart where the farmers sell to the florists, so she might have some ideas. You will want to think about a bouquet for you, boutonniere, possibly a headpiece, and then maybe décor like centerpieces or background greenery.
That leads to décor for the hall, which doesn’t have to be plant life. Some people do chair backings and tablecloths, or trellises. There are rental places that can help with this, but it depends what you want.
It sounds like you probably already have someone to do the cake. The next thing to consider is other food, which can run the gamut from some bowls of mints and nuts to hot foods or rolls and deli meats, along with plates, cups, and serving utensils. I really recommend looking at the Cash & Carry for this. They have really good prices, and a pretty good selection. You would have to pay cash, but it is affordable. (For napkins, though, you may want a party store to get kind of nicer ones in a wedding color.) We do have a small punch bowl, but you probably know someone with a bigger one.
(Sometimes a groom’s cake is fun. Our sister in law got Lance one shaped like a shoe. Partly it was to give him a chocolate cake, but the shoe was a joke between them that he was always putting his foot in his mouth.)
After that, most of the other concerns aren’t so much where to get things, but just what to do. The last reception we were at had live classical music, but we have been at ones with DJs or just pre-recorded CDs. Do you want dancing? Bouquet and garter tosses? Toasts? An official time for cake cutting? Sometimes people will want all of those things, or maybe special songs by family members, and they will print programs with the schedule of what happens when. That information can also go on the invitation. It is just something to think about.
You will probably want to get a guest book for people to sign, and you should definitely have a table set up for people dropping off presents. You may want to consider setting up some kind of photo display of the two of you. It is also frequent, but not necessary, to provide wedding favors, and/or something for the guests to throw at you when you leave. If you do want this, the party store is still probably the way to go. There is one right by Jones Farm that has a lot of wedding stuff.
I strongly recommend either getting a chauffeured car for the getaway, or having someone you trust guard the car, because people do stupid things to the cars of people getting married.
Have you thought about having a ring ceremony? It might be nice for your family, but sometimes it doesn’t feel right, like it is taking away from the temple. It might be better to have a nice family luncheon after the wedding, where the two families can celebrate together.
The big thing will be having people to help. I know Julie offered us to help decorate, but there is also clean-up, and serving food, cake, and punch. The good thing is, you can probably draw upon people in three wards.
For the honeymoon, think about appropriate packing based on activities (too early to know now, but it will go fast), and airport transportation.
On the issue of cake-cutting, people generally take on of two approaches. One is that the bride and groom cut the cake in about the middle of the reception, and then the cake gets served, but this way a lot of people never get cake. This can be fine, but I think usually they intend for everyone to get cake, and it just doesn't happen. There are probably more leftovers this way.
The other common occurrence is that they realize this will be an issue, so what they actually serve the guests is sheet cake, and the wedding cake is more for display. In this case, usually the top tier is saved for the first anniversary, the middle tier is for the bride and groom to slice at the reception, and the bottom tier is a big hunk of foam, frosted like cake. This way is probably easiest in terms of serving, because the sheet cake is easier to slice, but I don't like the thought of wasting perfectly good frosting on styrofoam.
Honestly, I am not sure what I would do myself. I might just slice the cake right at the beginning of the reception. Sure, not many people would see it happen, but how big of a deal is that?
Anyway, those are the issues, so you can think about what you prefer.
By the way, there are guides to cutting on-line, which I think is kind of cool, but if you do it this way I don't see how the thread/floss method can work:
http://www.wilton.com/cakes/cake-cutting-guides/wedding-cake-cutting-guide.cfm
http://www.baking911.com/cakes/cutting_guide.htm
For the number of food crew, it depends on what you are doing. It sounds like you have three tables of food, plus one punch table, and one cake table. You could have one person in charge of each table, but depending on what is being served, and whether or not it needs any in-kitchen preparation, what the adequate number would be could vary widely. I know. That's not very specific.
If the caterer has everything ready and on trays, and the kitchen person is just taking out full trays to replace empty trays, and they don't have to deal with the cake, then I think 3, or maybe even 2 people would be enough. This kind of overlaps with clean-up, but it would be good to add another kitchen person who floats around and clears empty plates and cups from the tables. Some people will throw out their own, but not everyone will.
Julie strongly recommends having someone who keeps an eye on the guest book, favors, and gift table, which ideally will all be near each other. This person would kind of act like a greeter, and can keep anything from going missing. Maybe have two people alternate so they can spend some time inside.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
July 2009 - Preparing for marriage
Recently I was blogging about the economic downturn, and I suggested that one great way for singles to combat it is by getting married. In the long term it allows you to combine living expenses, but it provides short-term stimulation to the economy as the wedding is arranged and gifts are bought.
This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.
Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.
This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.
Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.
As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.
What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.
· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.
· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.
· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.
· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)
· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.
· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.
An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.
Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.
This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.
Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.
This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.
Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.
As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.
What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.
· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.
· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.
· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.
· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)
· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.
· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.
An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.
Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
June 2009 - Preparing for summer
Saturday, June 27th, is the date of the Great American Backyard Campout (as designated by the National Wildlife Federation), in conjunction with June as Great Outdoors Month. The event encourages individuals, youth, friends and families to camp out together for one night. The purpose is to encourage people to spend some time outdoors, enjoying nature, but this can also be a great time to test out your camping equipment.
Camping equipment is often recommended as emergency equipment, as a part of or companion to your 72-hour kits. It is quite possible that you will never have to use camping equipment for anything other than recreation. However, if you do end up needing it, is what you have adequate?
One likely area for issues is with sleeping bags. It is completely possible that the sleeping bag in the tent will not provide adequate protection from the ground. Dampness may seep through, or it may just be that you feel the ground too much without some kind of mattress. Also, even though sleeping bags are often thought of as one size fits all, sometimes they don’t. Take a moment to wiggle in and out of yours before you need it. This is a good idea with tents as well. Sometimes they are easy to assemble, and it can be done quickly, but that is not always the case.
There is such a wide selection of camping equipment available that you should be able to find anything that you want. You may discover that your wants are expensive, or that they are not particularly portable. Let’s say you decide that it is not worth the hassle, you will just rely on your solar blanket and poncho. Spending a night doing so will at least help you know what you are in for. After all, preparedness means being mentally ready as well as physically ready.
Even if you are never in a situation where you need to sleep out of doors, people end up without electricity inside their houses on a regular basis, and camping equipment can come to the rescue here. Flashlights and lamps can provide an alternate source of illumination, and cooking equipment can improve your dining options. Taking advantage of the campout can be a great way of testing your options during a power outage or when there are issues with the water supply. Think of it as a chance to explore.
Part of sleeping outdoors involves exposure to the elements. With so many summertime recreational activities occurring outdoors, it makes perfect sense to consider these issues as well.
Concerns about West Nile Virus have abated, but no one really likes getting mosquito bites. A recent article stated that the hard economic times have led to many pools going untended, creating fertile breeding grounds for the pests. There are many options for repelling mosquitoes; are you covered?
Sun exposure is another concern, originally merely for the pain of sunburn, and now more so due to concerns about skin cancer and premature aging. I was once researching sunburn, and was interested to see that the list of items increasing your risk of sunburn all sounded good. These were things cool breezes, cloudy skies, spending time in water and wearing white clothing. White clothing and water can intensify your sun exposure through reflection and magnification, but the issue with all of them is that they should help you feel cooler. Feeling cooler lets you forget that you are cooking. So, let’s just make a mental note that when you are out in daylight, you are cooking. You do want about fifteen minutes a day for vitamin D production, but after that you are cooking. Specifically, you are cooking the proteins in your skin.
Sunscreen that is labeled broad spectrum protects against both UVA (cancer and wrinkles) and UVB (sunburn) radiation. SPF 15 is the recommended level of protection. You can find higher SPF numbers, but the increase in protection does not keep up. For example, SPF 15 sunscreen will absorb 93% of the radiation, while SPF 34 will absorb 97%. Therefore, do not let higher ratings lull you into a false sense of security. Applying thoroughly, and then reapplying, will be the best protection.
Protection is not foolproof. For this reason, you should be aware of the signs of skin cancer, and you should know how to treat sunburn. Good information can be found at http://www.melanomafoundation.org/ and http://www.skincancer.org/.
Two of the sunburn remedies that stick out are drinking water, because there is an increased risk of dehydration, and bathing in tepid water. There are two really good pieces of general advice in here. In warmer weather, especially with increased physical activity, there is increased risk of dehydration. Water helps your body function smoothly all over, and needs to be replaced regularly. If you are losing water through sweating, your are losing minerals with it, so may wish to consider a sports drink or a children’s drink with added electrolytes. Pay attention to your bodies needs.
The tip about the tepid water reminds me of a vacation where one member of the group got badly burned (it was around water, and no sunscreen had been worn). A friend handed over a bottle of soothing gel, which she had placed in the freezer so it would feel really nice and cool. Well, suddenly the burned cool, who had been quite toasty, went the other way. Her teeth were chattering, she was shivering, and it would not have been surprising if she had gone into shock.
Extremes are hard on your body, and moving suddenly from one extreme to another is really hard on your body. Try to be a little bit observant, so that if you are in the process of overheating, you will notice and react when a small amount of change will still be sufficient. Remember, a lot of swimming accidents don’t happen so much because of rough water as because of really cold water. Yes, the cold was the point, and people were trying to cool down, but it became too much of a good thing. Exercising moderation with your enjoyment can make it last longer. Have a safe and happy summer.
Camping equipment is often recommended as emergency equipment, as a part of or companion to your 72-hour kits. It is quite possible that you will never have to use camping equipment for anything other than recreation. However, if you do end up needing it, is what you have adequate?
One likely area for issues is with sleeping bags. It is completely possible that the sleeping bag in the tent will not provide adequate protection from the ground. Dampness may seep through, or it may just be that you feel the ground too much without some kind of mattress. Also, even though sleeping bags are often thought of as one size fits all, sometimes they don’t. Take a moment to wiggle in and out of yours before you need it. This is a good idea with tents as well. Sometimes they are easy to assemble, and it can be done quickly, but that is not always the case.
There is such a wide selection of camping equipment available that you should be able to find anything that you want. You may discover that your wants are expensive, or that they are not particularly portable. Let’s say you decide that it is not worth the hassle, you will just rely on your solar blanket and poncho. Spending a night doing so will at least help you know what you are in for. After all, preparedness means being mentally ready as well as physically ready.
Even if you are never in a situation where you need to sleep out of doors, people end up without electricity inside their houses on a regular basis, and camping equipment can come to the rescue here. Flashlights and lamps can provide an alternate source of illumination, and cooking equipment can improve your dining options. Taking advantage of the campout can be a great way of testing your options during a power outage or when there are issues with the water supply. Think of it as a chance to explore.
Part of sleeping outdoors involves exposure to the elements. With so many summertime recreational activities occurring outdoors, it makes perfect sense to consider these issues as well.
Concerns about West Nile Virus have abated, but no one really likes getting mosquito bites. A recent article stated that the hard economic times have led to many pools going untended, creating fertile breeding grounds for the pests. There are many options for repelling mosquitoes; are you covered?
Sun exposure is another concern, originally merely for the pain of sunburn, and now more so due to concerns about skin cancer and premature aging. I was once researching sunburn, and was interested to see that the list of items increasing your risk of sunburn all sounded good. These were things cool breezes, cloudy skies, spending time in water and wearing white clothing. White clothing and water can intensify your sun exposure through reflection and magnification, but the issue with all of them is that they should help you feel cooler. Feeling cooler lets you forget that you are cooking. So, let’s just make a mental note that when you are out in daylight, you are cooking. You do want about fifteen minutes a day for vitamin D production, but after that you are cooking. Specifically, you are cooking the proteins in your skin.
Sunscreen that is labeled broad spectrum protects against both UVA (cancer and wrinkles) and UVB (sunburn) radiation. SPF 15 is the recommended level of protection. You can find higher SPF numbers, but the increase in protection does not keep up. For example, SPF 15 sunscreen will absorb 93% of the radiation, while SPF 34 will absorb 97%. Therefore, do not let higher ratings lull you into a false sense of security. Applying thoroughly, and then reapplying, will be the best protection.
Protection is not foolproof. For this reason, you should be aware of the signs of skin cancer, and you should know how to treat sunburn. Good information can be found at http://www.melanomafoundation.org/ and http://www.skincancer.org/.
Two of the sunburn remedies that stick out are drinking water, because there is an increased risk of dehydration, and bathing in tepid water. There are two really good pieces of general advice in here. In warmer weather, especially with increased physical activity, there is increased risk of dehydration. Water helps your body function smoothly all over, and needs to be replaced regularly. If you are losing water through sweating, your are losing minerals with it, so may wish to consider a sports drink or a children’s drink with added electrolytes. Pay attention to your bodies needs.
The tip about the tepid water reminds me of a vacation where one member of the group got badly burned (it was around water, and no sunscreen had been worn). A friend handed over a bottle of soothing gel, which she had placed in the freezer so it would feel really nice and cool. Well, suddenly the burned cool, who had been quite toasty, went the other way. Her teeth were chattering, she was shivering, and it would not have been surprising if she had gone into shock.
Extremes are hard on your body, and moving suddenly from one extreme to another is really hard on your body. Try to be a little bit observant, so that if you are in the process of overheating, you will notice and react when a small amount of change will still be sufficient. Remember, a lot of swimming accidents don’t happen so much because of rough water as because of really cold water. Yes, the cold was the point, and people were trying to cool down, but it became too much of a good thing. Exercising moderation with your enjoyment can make it last longer. Have a safe and happy summer.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
May 2009 - On not being offended
Brigham Young said "He who is offended when offense is not intended, is a fool; he who is offended when offense is intended, is a greater fool." We have all had times when we have been hurt badly by something that just stung. Many of us know people who have let such situations affect their church attendance. Even while the Bible pronounces woe upon those who offend, it confirms that offences will come, and must come (see Matthew 18:7). Accepting that there will definitely be moments when being offended is possible, it is wise to decide now what type of impact you are willing to accept.
Someone who has already been offended could easily be further offended by President Young’s quote, confident that taking offence was justified, but consider the options. Either the offended party is holding on to anger to punish someone who meant no harm, or gratifying someone who did. Both possibilities do sound a little foolish.
This topic focuses on our sensitivity, and is in itself a sensitive topic. I find that it is impossible to make any useful points without being fairly specific and personal, giving examples from my own family. I hope this will be received in the spirit intended, and that readers will apply the principles appropriately to their own situations.
In my family we tend to tease a lot and sometimes we even have heated disputes. Normally the joking is taken in good humor, and the disputes flare up and die down without too much fallout. However, there are times when the reaction is worse than intended, and I have observed that this is usually a combination of two factors.
One may be that the other person is in a bad mood. She has been having a bad day, or is worried about something, and so is sensitive enough that what would normally be considered a joke is not funny.
In addition, it will generally be on a sensitive topic—one where she has real concerns and fears. I learned a few years ago that no matter how angry or frustrated I might get with my mother, I should never call her stupid or a bad mother, because these would cut her to the quick, and it would be unfair. Therefore, even when we are in strong disagreement, I keep those two insults off the table or reconciling will be much harder.
I think setting those boundaries is a reasonable allowance to make, as is recognizing the need to back off when someone has had a bad day. So if everyone will just be a little more sensitive to the needs of others, then everything can be perfect and no one will ever get offended ever. If that were practical, this would be the shortest newsletter ever, but it will be the usual length.
While we should be sensitive to the feelings of others, we only have control over our own feelings, and our own actions. We will sometimes encounter people who actually want to make us feel bad. I hope that it will more frequently be people with good intentions who are a bit thoughtless, or misread the moment, but at times the person who cares about you can hurt you a lot more than the one who doesn’t. The real issue needs to be how offences are handled.
My mother is neither stupid, nor a bad mother, but those are fears of hers. I suspect every mother has worries about her adequacy in that role, so that one just might be standard. The concerns about intelligence come from being married to a very intellectual and arrogant man, which brought her to a new country where she had to pick up the language on her own, and raising children who were pretty smart (sometimes frighteningly so) in a school system that was completely different from the one she went through. On the other hand, if we called her a bad housekeeper, she would not take it seriously, having complete confidence in her abilities there.
I am confident that I am smart and a good sister, so someone questioning that would not bother me. However, having been unemployed for several months now, after years of being fairly well off, has raised a lot of fears about my own worth, and there is a limit to how calmly I can discuss my employability, my financial situation, or how I got into this mess. Comments on that topic have hurt me deeply. However, I have been improving.
The improvement has not come from getting a job. Instead, it has come from a focus on the eternal. I have an intrinsic value as a child of God. That is not based on my financial net worth. I have agonized about still not having a job, and about becoming a taker instead of a giver, and yet it all seemed to be out of my control. I was taking appropriate actions, and they were just not paying off. What I realized was that I could only control my actions. The most important thing about this experience will be if I can be the person I want to be, and should be.
I cannot force companies to call me back and hire me, but I can keep applying for more jobs. I can make an effort to not act weird around people (even if I am feeling worthless and uncomfortable) and eventually I will feel less weird. I can refrain from shouting at my sisters when they hit a sore spot, and I can believe that their intentions are good. I can actively try to remember gratitude and service.
In a singles ward, there are many sore spots. The longer you stay, the more likely you are to wonder what is wrong with you, and if your shortcomings are the specific reason that you are single.
We can be sensitive, growing angry at small jokes and becoming devastated about innocent comments. We can get offended right out of the church. After all, it’s the other person’s fault—they were totally out of line. We still need to understand that this reaction is a choice, and ultimately it will not be a satisfying choice.
At the Last Supper, when Christ told the apostles that there was a traitor in their midst, each one asked, “Is it I?” They were sufficiently humble to believe that they could be the ones with the problem, and when you can face a problem you can fix it.
If you have a weakness that is keeping you single, or unemployed, or unhappy, the Lord can show you this weakness, and turn it into a strength, and has promised that He will (Ether 12:21). We should be working on overcoming weaknesses anyway. And if you are worried or hurt about something that is not really a problem, He can provide clarity and comfort over that as well, so that it does not have to hurt anymore. He can provide you with peace.
Sometimes it seems that people will hold on to a grudge because they know the act that led to it was not right, and they feel like letting go will send the message that it was fine—that the offender did not do anything wrong. We already know that justice will be fully met, so we don’t need to worry about that. The true message of our granting forgiveness is that we will be fine. That is the best choice.
Someone who has already been offended could easily be further offended by President Young’s quote, confident that taking offence was justified, but consider the options. Either the offended party is holding on to anger to punish someone who meant no harm, or gratifying someone who did. Both possibilities do sound a little foolish.
This topic focuses on our sensitivity, and is in itself a sensitive topic. I find that it is impossible to make any useful points without being fairly specific and personal, giving examples from my own family. I hope this will be received in the spirit intended, and that readers will apply the principles appropriately to their own situations.
In my family we tend to tease a lot and sometimes we even have heated disputes. Normally the joking is taken in good humor, and the disputes flare up and die down without too much fallout. However, there are times when the reaction is worse than intended, and I have observed that this is usually a combination of two factors.
One may be that the other person is in a bad mood. She has been having a bad day, or is worried about something, and so is sensitive enough that what would normally be considered a joke is not funny.
In addition, it will generally be on a sensitive topic—one where she has real concerns and fears. I learned a few years ago that no matter how angry or frustrated I might get with my mother, I should never call her stupid or a bad mother, because these would cut her to the quick, and it would be unfair. Therefore, even when we are in strong disagreement, I keep those two insults off the table or reconciling will be much harder.
I think setting those boundaries is a reasonable allowance to make, as is recognizing the need to back off when someone has had a bad day. So if everyone will just be a little more sensitive to the needs of others, then everything can be perfect and no one will ever get offended ever. If that were practical, this would be the shortest newsletter ever, but it will be the usual length.
While we should be sensitive to the feelings of others, we only have control over our own feelings, and our own actions. We will sometimes encounter people who actually want to make us feel bad. I hope that it will more frequently be people with good intentions who are a bit thoughtless, or misread the moment, but at times the person who cares about you can hurt you a lot more than the one who doesn’t. The real issue needs to be how offences are handled.
My mother is neither stupid, nor a bad mother, but those are fears of hers. I suspect every mother has worries about her adequacy in that role, so that one just might be standard. The concerns about intelligence come from being married to a very intellectual and arrogant man, which brought her to a new country where she had to pick up the language on her own, and raising children who were pretty smart (sometimes frighteningly so) in a school system that was completely different from the one she went through. On the other hand, if we called her a bad housekeeper, she would not take it seriously, having complete confidence in her abilities there.
I am confident that I am smart and a good sister, so someone questioning that would not bother me. However, having been unemployed for several months now, after years of being fairly well off, has raised a lot of fears about my own worth, and there is a limit to how calmly I can discuss my employability, my financial situation, or how I got into this mess. Comments on that topic have hurt me deeply. However, I have been improving.
The improvement has not come from getting a job. Instead, it has come from a focus on the eternal. I have an intrinsic value as a child of God. That is not based on my financial net worth. I have agonized about still not having a job, and about becoming a taker instead of a giver, and yet it all seemed to be out of my control. I was taking appropriate actions, and they were just not paying off. What I realized was that I could only control my actions. The most important thing about this experience will be if I can be the person I want to be, and should be.
I cannot force companies to call me back and hire me, but I can keep applying for more jobs. I can make an effort to not act weird around people (even if I am feeling worthless and uncomfortable) and eventually I will feel less weird. I can refrain from shouting at my sisters when they hit a sore spot, and I can believe that their intentions are good. I can actively try to remember gratitude and service.
In a singles ward, there are many sore spots. The longer you stay, the more likely you are to wonder what is wrong with you, and if your shortcomings are the specific reason that you are single.
We can be sensitive, growing angry at small jokes and becoming devastated about innocent comments. We can get offended right out of the church. After all, it’s the other person’s fault—they were totally out of line. We still need to understand that this reaction is a choice, and ultimately it will not be a satisfying choice.
At the Last Supper, when Christ told the apostles that there was a traitor in their midst, each one asked, “Is it I?” They were sufficiently humble to believe that they could be the ones with the problem, and when you can face a problem you can fix it.
If you have a weakness that is keeping you single, or unemployed, or unhappy, the Lord can show you this weakness, and turn it into a strength, and has promised that He will (Ether 12:21). We should be working on overcoming weaknesses anyway. And if you are worried or hurt about something that is not really a problem, He can provide clarity and comfort over that as well, so that it does not have to hurt anymore. He can provide you with peace.
Sometimes it seems that people will hold on to a grudge because they know the act that led to it was not right, and they feel like letting go will send the message that it was fine—that the offender did not do anything wrong. We already know that justice will be fully met, so we don’t need to worry about that. The true message of our granting forgiveness is that we will be fine. That is the best choice.
Monday, May 18, 2009
General remedies in case I am right
I wrote a post on the other blog (This week's sporkful, April 12th) about how the next few years look to me:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2009/04/shape-of-things-to-come-3055.html
I said I would get around to posting things that would help, and the good news of it all, but then I needed to start doing all this therapeutic self-exploration again, so I thought I would throw it in here, where it is probably more relevant.
Based on things that I have observed already happening, I predicted five trends that I think will last through the end of 2012. One is the bad economy. Individuals will be able to make some gains here and there, but I believe that overall the issues with unemployment, underemployment, and lack of affordability will continue. This will lead to an increase of despair, and also to more crime. In addition, people seem to be becoming sicker, and weather is getting more severe.
That does sound bad, but it is not hopeless. There are things individuals can do to mitigate the situation, and that is what personal preparedness is all about.
Weather:
The most basic emergency steps will help here. If there is a flood or fire, and you need to evacuate, having your emergency evacuation plan, communication plan, and 72-hour kits will help. If wind storms lead to a power outage, or ice storms mean that you can't get to the store, having your camping supplies, providing light, heat, and food preparation will help. If it floods enough to contaminate the water supply, but not to require evacuation, having water storage will help.
It is probably hardest to prepare for a heat wave combined with a power outage, but think about that type of circumstance, and what would help with your individual situation. Planning for things before they happen is the key.
Disease:
The short-lived hype about swine flu probably did a disservice to people, because it made a serious threat look completely overinflated, and may lead to a false sense of security. If you paid attention though, there are good lessons. They told us to cough into your sleeve or elbow (not the hands, which touch everything), wash hands frequently, and stay home when you are sick. Since the regular flu kills thousands of people each year, maybe those are just good steps to take anyway. Those steps will also help curtail the spread of other diseases, so these are some really good ideas.
It still worries me that people are getting sicklier--getting sick more often and staying sick for longer. At this point it is only anecdotal for me, but we are stressed, people are skimping on health care, and the average American diet is not healthy.
I am not the poster girl for good health, but I've got to try. Try to take care of yourself. Get in some exercise, to strengthen your body and to relieve stress. Eat more natural foods, with a more balanced diet so that you are getting your vitamins and antioxidants and phytochemicals. Get enough sleep, so that your body can repair itself, and again to relieve the stress. These things are not easy, but it's reasonable to make them a priority. Find a way.
Crime:
Well, we did just have a letter on protecting yourself from crime, and there were good tips and resources in that. Also, we need to take a stand for good. Partly, this is standing on the side of law and order, but also, when that crime is coming from despair it is a double tragedy. There must be something we can do here.
Despair:
This is a hard one, but there are two things that I have grown to feel very strongly about. One is that the only thing I really own any more is how I react to things. I have very limited control about getting a job. There are things I can do, but I have done a lot without it paying off, and I don't know when there will be a payoff. I do have control over how I act with that, and so I'm trying to be the person I should be with it. Still loving and kind and thinking of others. Not taking frustrations out on my family. Not giving up. Not taking things personally. It's hard, but it's necessary.
And if we are thinking of others, and serving them, then we can help their despair too. We will be happier if we are not always worrying about our own problems, but also spend time looking outward, and when we share burdens, they become lighter for everyone. Call someone, bake them a casserole, give them money, volunteer, whatever. We each have different means available, but I know we all have something to give.
Economy:
Okay, times are rough, but in my brief career as a tax preparer, I gained a new perspective. If you want to do something new, this may be the time. There are credits for buying a home. There are deductions for farms and businesses, and maybe you'll fail, but a regular job working for someone else has a good chance of failing too. Maybe you can at least fail splendidly, with self-determination. But make it something you care about--a business that matters to you or a home you want to live in. A lot of what got us here was greed--the adjustable rate mortgage that you expected to dump in two year when the value went up, and then it didn't, or stocks or things like that. Making money is necessary, but it can be a hollow quest. We need to care about more than that.
The two most important, basic preparedness steps are still having food storage and establishing savings while paying down debt. I know there are concerns that people need to be spending instead of saving right now, for the good of the economy as a whole, but do it right. Pay off consumer debt. If you borrow, do it for a house, or to start a business, or for education. Buy food storage. That is an excellent investment (it will only become more valuable, which is not always true for your mutual fund).
If you can afford it and want to simulate the economy, some expenditures will have more value than others. Like food storage, other preparedness supplies are a good investment.
For stimulating the economy, paying for services, like a massage or haircut, will usually go the farthest, because the service provider will turn around and spend that money again. It doesn't have quite the same turnaround when you purchase a manufactured item, and at least some of it should be spent locally.
Dining out or going to live performances may not have quite as much financial impact on the local economy, but it can still be helpful for the community in terms of building a social life, and in bringing yourself greater cheer.
There is one other neat trick that many of my cohorts should consider as a balance between saving and stimulating. It is called marriage. In the long term it reduces expenses as dwellings are combined. Two cannot live as cheaply as one, but two together should be able to live more cheaply than two separately. Also, you get new tax deductions.
That being said, in the short-term there is economic stimulation as clothing is purchased or rented, caterers are hired, maybe along with hair stylists, makeup artists, and musicians, and gifts are purchased.
Yep, marriage. I know I'm thinking about it.
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2009/04/shape-of-things-to-come-3055.html
I said I would get around to posting things that would help, and the good news of it all, but then I needed to start doing all this therapeutic self-exploration again, so I thought I would throw it in here, where it is probably more relevant.
Based on things that I have observed already happening, I predicted five trends that I think will last through the end of 2012. One is the bad economy. Individuals will be able to make some gains here and there, but I believe that overall the issues with unemployment, underemployment, and lack of affordability will continue. This will lead to an increase of despair, and also to more crime. In addition, people seem to be becoming sicker, and weather is getting more severe.
That does sound bad, but it is not hopeless. There are things individuals can do to mitigate the situation, and that is what personal preparedness is all about.
Weather:
The most basic emergency steps will help here. If there is a flood or fire, and you need to evacuate, having your emergency evacuation plan, communication plan, and 72-hour kits will help. If wind storms lead to a power outage, or ice storms mean that you can't get to the store, having your camping supplies, providing light, heat, and food preparation will help. If it floods enough to contaminate the water supply, but not to require evacuation, having water storage will help.
It is probably hardest to prepare for a heat wave combined with a power outage, but think about that type of circumstance, and what would help with your individual situation. Planning for things before they happen is the key.
Disease:
The short-lived hype about swine flu probably did a disservice to people, because it made a serious threat look completely overinflated, and may lead to a false sense of security. If you paid attention though, there are good lessons. They told us to cough into your sleeve or elbow (not the hands, which touch everything), wash hands frequently, and stay home when you are sick. Since the regular flu kills thousands of people each year, maybe those are just good steps to take anyway. Those steps will also help curtail the spread of other diseases, so these are some really good ideas.
It still worries me that people are getting sicklier--getting sick more often and staying sick for longer. At this point it is only anecdotal for me, but we are stressed, people are skimping on health care, and the average American diet is not healthy.
I am not the poster girl for good health, but I've got to try. Try to take care of yourself. Get in some exercise, to strengthen your body and to relieve stress. Eat more natural foods, with a more balanced diet so that you are getting your vitamins and antioxidants and phytochemicals. Get enough sleep, so that your body can repair itself, and again to relieve the stress. These things are not easy, but it's reasonable to make them a priority. Find a way.
Crime:
Well, we did just have a letter on protecting yourself from crime, and there were good tips and resources in that. Also, we need to take a stand for good. Partly, this is standing on the side of law and order, but also, when that crime is coming from despair it is a double tragedy. There must be something we can do here.
Despair:
This is a hard one, but there are two things that I have grown to feel very strongly about. One is that the only thing I really own any more is how I react to things. I have very limited control about getting a job. There are things I can do, but I have done a lot without it paying off, and I don't know when there will be a payoff. I do have control over how I act with that, and so I'm trying to be the person I should be with it. Still loving and kind and thinking of others. Not taking frustrations out on my family. Not giving up. Not taking things personally. It's hard, but it's necessary.
And if we are thinking of others, and serving them, then we can help their despair too. We will be happier if we are not always worrying about our own problems, but also spend time looking outward, and when we share burdens, they become lighter for everyone. Call someone, bake them a casserole, give them money, volunteer, whatever. We each have different means available, but I know we all have something to give.
Economy:
Okay, times are rough, but in my brief career as a tax preparer, I gained a new perspective. If you want to do something new, this may be the time. There are credits for buying a home. There are deductions for farms and businesses, and maybe you'll fail, but a regular job working for someone else has a good chance of failing too. Maybe you can at least fail splendidly, with self-determination. But make it something you care about--a business that matters to you or a home you want to live in. A lot of what got us here was greed--the adjustable rate mortgage that you expected to dump in two year when the value went up, and then it didn't, or stocks or things like that. Making money is necessary, but it can be a hollow quest. We need to care about more than that.
The two most important, basic preparedness steps are still having food storage and establishing savings while paying down debt. I know there are concerns that people need to be spending instead of saving right now, for the good of the economy as a whole, but do it right. Pay off consumer debt. If you borrow, do it for a house, or to start a business, or for education. Buy food storage. That is an excellent investment (it will only become more valuable, which is not always true for your mutual fund).
If you can afford it and want to simulate the economy, some expenditures will have more value than others. Like food storage, other preparedness supplies are a good investment.
For stimulating the economy, paying for services, like a massage or haircut, will usually go the farthest, because the service provider will turn around and spend that money again. It doesn't have quite the same turnaround when you purchase a manufactured item, and at least some of it should be spent locally.
Dining out or going to live performances may not have quite as much financial impact on the local economy, but it can still be helpful for the community in terms of building a social life, and in bringing yourself greater cheer.
There is one other neat trick that many of my cohorts should consider as a balance between saving and stimulating. It is called marriage. In the long term it reduces expenses as dwellings are combined. Two cannot live as cheaply as one, but two together should be able to live more cheaply than two separately. Also, you get new tax deductions.
That being said, in the short-term there is economic stimulation as clothing is purchased or rented, caterers are hired, maybe along with hair stylists, makeup artists, and musicians, and gifts are purchased.
Yep, marriage. I know I'm thinking about it.
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