The high cost of dying, part 3

Money is a factor in this one, but it is really more about an emotional cost. 

What I worried about most was dressing.

You can have them pick up a body at the place of death and then cremate as is.

You can also have the funeral home clean and dress the body, or even do makeup, though that is normally only if there is an open casket funeral.

The itemized charge for that is $425.

When I was growing up, it was not uncommon that women from church would dress the dead. One of my mother's friends did and Mom really admired that. 

That friend has been dead for many years.

Talking to people now, everyone seems to just have the funeral home do any dressing. The people I have talked to are also not people who would be daunted by an extra $425. 

Paying for that service was not practical for us. One way people avoid it is by doing it themselves before the body has been picked up. I did look into that, but the information I could find recommends having multiple people and I just could not feel like it would work.

Okay, so we just dump her into the fire? That didn't feel right. 

Most of my frantic state was about that. 

I was trying to figure it out with a combination of researching what one hospice site says as well as re-reading a poem by Joy Harjo, "Washing My Mother's Body: A Ceremony for Grief." 

I was leaning toward it not really being a possibility, and feeling bad about that, but there were ultimately two things that really helped that came from conversations with friends.

The first was one woman telling me that whatever I did would be enough. I could not feel that was true right away.

The other was another friend reminding me that those practices are for the living.

Going over those traditions and where they come from, I believe many of them are more about accepting the reality of the death, physically viewing the body, wearing reminders of it, and meeting in community to commemorate it.

I really enjoy the Lore Olympus comic series. There is a scene where Persephone is trying to give some money to souls stranded on the shore who don't have the coins to pay Charon to ferry them over. There are so many that it starts a riot. 

We could have a very interesting discussion about funerary beliefs and customs for different cultures, but ultimately I don't believe that there is anything we can do to damage someone's transition into the afterlife. Whether they are incinerated and buried under the World Trade Center or lost at sea or hidden in a dump by a serial killer or controlling husband, that does not impede their journey after.

Sure, there might be more confusion or resentment because of the manner of death, but those issues do not depend on burial rites. Our power to damage others is limited to life, and there are opportunities for healing after that.

What matters is my care for my mother now, and before, and leading on right through the moment of her death. She would not want me to be frantic about this.

That will be enough, I can know that, and that is a blessing.

That doesn't mean I have become completely calm. I still want to have an obituary done soon, because I would have a harder time writing it after. I have asked questions about what to do with her things and am figuring that out. 

I'm still me.

But it is better. 

The high cost of dying, part 2

I am giddy to be able to tell you that we will not have to pay extra for body transport if our mother dies on a weekend.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2026/01/the-high-cost-of-dying-part-1.html 

The weekend surcharge is only for memorial services or things like that. 

That was a huge relief.

This is not the issue that I was agonizing over, but it was worrying me. There are some things that I have learned after talking to the funeral home and other thoughts where I realized I needed to write more on the money part. What was bothering me was probably more emotional, but money is real. 

With this post and one more, I think I can cover all of that.

I should note that I have been a little scary for people asking me about it. I know I have sounded a bit frantic. I could feel it happening at the time, but I couldn't change it either.

I am starting to get better.

For the eminently practical, you really should call the funeral home rather than going through the price list. The itemized price list is something required by state law, but generally things are going in bundles.

The bundle we are looking at is Direct Flame Creation, for $1250. There are additional charges if you want a casket, whether you provide your own casket or get one from the home, and if the deceased weighs more than 300 pounds (our mother does not). If you want funeral services of some kind, then that's a different bundle.

Even though this particular bundle mentions some paperwork, it does not include getting a death certificate. Asking about that, it looks like our full amount will be $1305. I also believe that we will be okay with one death certificate, which is not always the case, but they were pretty helpful on that question.

I would still not be completely surprised if there is something else, but after the conversation it feels pretty complete.

Does that level of detail seem kind of crass? In poor taste? (Imagine adding some "yo' mamma" jokes regarding the weight limit!)

A lot of our social conditioning has taught us not to talk about money. Whether that's because you find it embarrassing to admit that some things are a problem or because it feels like bragging, where it really works best is for people who have ridiculous amounts of money and are still cheap. 

That doesn't really benefit most of us.

I do still recommend looking over the itemized list because it reminds you of things that you might not think about, like that paperwork does not give you a copy of the death certificate. You will need an actual certificate -- not a photocopy -- for things like insurance policies or closing bank accounts or pensions, where you would be receiving money instead of paying it.

One thing that was helpful for me was remembering that if we wanted to hold a service, that would not have to cost anything. In our church you don't have to pay for using the building or having a church leader conduct the service. If you want the body there, that would involve transport, so there could be additional charges, but not as much as for other churches.

We also have a tradition of luncheons afterward, with a pretty set menu and people signing up to help with that. I have bought hams for other people's funerals, but we were more impressed with the friend who arranged for catering from his favorite barbecue place. Obviously, they could afford that. 

Regardless, with our decision not to have a funeral, that was never a concern about expenses. 

Money is a concern, but it is tied with concerns about how it will feel and how we will cope and what pays adequate respect.

How do we get that right?

With the traditions, what do they serve?

If you have a lot of people coming into town and they are going to feel sad, having other people who care but are not as directly affected feed them has a certain practical nature to it.

On Queen Sugar, Charlie offered to hire people to cook and serve for their father's funeral repast, but Nova got really angry because preparing food for and serving their friends was part of the tradition and how you grieved and provided comfort.

That sounds like a good tradition, but was some of it also possibly resentment that Charlie had a lot of money and could make that offer too easily, without sacrifice?

Feelings are real. They can be hard.

And if a big part of your efforts are trying to hard to get everything right so it will go smoothly and everyone will be okay... well, you probably need to adjust your expectations.

Hypothetically. 

The high cost of dying, part 1

My topics have been more spiritual lately, but this did start as a preparedness blog. Sometimes preparedness is very physical and tangible.

I am still thinking about death.

This is also very financial; I can't help but see how much money affects the end of life.

First of all, let me just put a price list here:

https://fh-content.s3.amazonaws.com/release/Content/Media/ThreadgillsMemorialServices/TMS%20GPL%202025.pdf 

This is for Threadgill Memorial. I know multiple people who have worked with them and everyone says they are wonderful.

I linked directly to the PDF because it can take a bit of navigation to get to the cash amounts. This is where I'm getting hung up.

It sucks to have to be worrying about money when you are in the middle of grieving. 

Money is also a real thing, and it can be hard to avoid it.

Hearing other people's experiences, even when there were prepaid plans there were always additional charges.

I understand that better now after studying the list.

A big factor is transportation. It changes based on mileage, and based on timing.

My mother is in hospice, so I am pretty confident of the physical location where she will die and from which she will need to be transported. 

If a relatively healthy person had a plan but died in an accident away from home, that could add mileage that would need to be taken into account. 

Even an ailing person might transfer between home and a hospital and a convalescent facility. Depending on when the plan was made, the facility chosen was probably close to home, but may not be close to the place of death.

What might just be a $4.00 per mile charge for a longer route than expected becomes thousands of dollars when there are transfers between funeral homes. 

Also note there is a $480 service charge if this is happening on a weekend or federal holiday. I have been assuming that is for transportation, but it's under miscellaneous so could be for services. I should call and ask, but I can tell you that since I saw that I have been worrying that Mom might die on a weekend.

There are things you can plan for, like pacemaker removal or organ donation costs; you might have a hard time predicting the contagious disease fee.

As it is, based on the costs for my father (who was found on a Friday night), these prices do not seem outrageous. 

Everything that gets done gets done by people. They deserve to be paid for what they do, which is important work that not everyone is equipped to do. Because of its time-sensitive nature, they cannot always have regular hours. I get all of that and I don't object.

But if you don't have it...

There is another issue that is even more emotional, though still very much a financial one. I am trying to figure that one out even as a timer with an unknown amount keeps ticking. 

I hope to be able to write about that with more assurance next week.

For now, I encourage you to take a look and think about what you might want, for yourself and for those you care about. Get an idea of rough costs.

If you do decide to pay for a plan in advance, there should be a cushion for the unexpected costs. 

Those are sure to happen, even if right now it is impossible to have any idea of how. 

Resolution lab

Since last week was about adapting plans and getting guidance -- and since it is a brand new year -- maybe this is a good time to talk about resolutions.

Too late? Not for me. 

Having my birthday so close to the start of the year makes that first two and a half weeks kind of an extended goal-setting period for me. Your birthday is probably not as close, but I invite you along.

After all, if you can only set new goals once a year, that is severely limiting.

I had recently seen some conversation about positive and fun goals, like trying to eat every pasta shape over the course of the year, or when someone says "We should get together!" scheduling it then.

That was a good reminder that often when people are thinking about resolutions they are only considering fixing what is wrong with them.

I did already kind of have that in mind because I was thinking about potential Relief Society activities. I thought a resolution lab could be a good one. (My calling it a lab is definitely school-related.)

These are the questions I had come up with, and then we could work through them:

• What is something I don't know much about?
• What could I teach a class on?
• What is something that frustrates me?
• What brings me joy?
• What makes me feel guilty?
• What would help my health?
• What takes the biggest toll on my time?
• What takes the biggest toll on my moods?

It starts off with the idea that learning can be fun, so deciding to read some book or take a class could be great. 

The second question was largely a way to get ideas for even more activities and who could help with them. That being said, if you know a lot about something or have some expertise, maybe you could do something more with it that would be fun or meaningful or satisfying.

With the other questions, there may be a need for self-improvement, but there could also be realizations on how to make your life easier. Maybe this household chore piles up and becomes a big deal, but I can make a routine out of it that will reduce frustration. Or maybe we could afford to hire someone to clean, because with all of the other things I have to do that is not the best use of my time.

There can still be guilt about making a decision like that, but ideally as life does get easier that can assuage the guilt.

One thing I believe deeply is that life is hard enough.

With the Saturday travel blog, I currently have material to write about that will get me into March. I do think about that, but also, we like doing things and seeing new things, and we don't want to feel that we are wasting our weekends.

Sometimes we are just too tired. It is okay to take a week off. Plus, running errands and cleaning things is not really "off", but there are ways in which it is less impressive.

The point is that it is easy to have unreasonable expectations. We are older, and there are a lot of emotions related to our mother's condition.

Lately, I wake up feeling so tired that it almost feels like I am sick. I am calling this "profoundly" tired, because there is a depth to it that one good night's sleep or a low-key day won't fix.

That is not a moral failing. Frittering my time away on things that aren't important and thus getting to bed later than is wise does feel like a moral failing, except there are reasons for it.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/09/my-thorn.html   

There are goals, but there is also some moderation and understanding for them, even understanding for me.

Yesterday I got more done than I did the day before. I could still do better, and I will.

What I will not do is spend a lot of time self-flagellating for what did not get done. In fact, Friday was quite a busy day; things that were important and refreshing did get done. That is still true even as it is true that I also spent time playing games and watching videos.

What I am working toward for this year is that I am going to go to bed early enough that I can get ten hours of sleep per night. I may end up waking up earlier, and that is perfectly fine, but I need to try and resolve this sleep deficit, which will be good for my health. 

Doing so (while continuing to give attention to school and church callings and family and friends) will require not falling into these time sinks. This week I am going to have a session of each one where I go through it, thinking about what I like about it and don't like about it. I hope that will help me not fall.

It is likely to require adjustments, but that's okay.