My thorn

In fact, neither my not driving nor my being unemployed ended up being big issues for the calling. Perhaps one lesson from that is that our worries are not always good predictors of the future. 

It doesn't stop new worries from coming. 

Currently the most stressful thing in my life is an inability to focus on my schoolwork.

All the emotions come in there: fear, anger, frustration, embarrassment. 

I have alluded to this before, and trying to change the way I think about it. It remains a problem. 

Procrastinating homework goes way back for me.

I used to attribute it to things coming really easily for me, so I didn't develop good study habits. I have been through multiple rounds of reforming and getting better. I know that I can.

I have thought that I was lazy, but other things show that I am not.  

I think it is more emotional. It isn't just school because it comes up with other responsibilities too.

I will have something I need to do, but it's like I have a mental block and I can't make myself do it. A common pattern is that I will try to just play some Spider Solitaire or something as a quick distraction, but then it isn't quick; it's a time sink. Hours later and I am still not done -- maybe having been thinking the whole time how I need to stop -- and I am telling myself how stupid I am, which is really not productive.

I call this state being "itchy and twitchy". 

I am sure there are issues with dopamine hits, and probably with connection, based on some other things I have read. Anxiety and my brain's specific neurology can play a role.

I have a very demanding schedule to complete my courses this term.

Frankly, it would be impossible if I were employed. Having extra time is good, but I still need to use it productively.

I have been having lots of thoughts and learning, understanding myself better, though still not enough to be fixed.

I have also been praying for a fix, but that has not happened.

That has also been a source of frustration, but I read something recently about healing. One thing referenced Paul.

2 Corinthians 12 

7 ... there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Okay, I am allowed to be imperfect, and it is not the end of the world. I still need to get these assessments done. 

I have been making slow progress. I get some things done, but there are always more undone.

I am trying to be grateful for what is done. There is growth, but then I am like, so that's it? I have one thing done out of seven and there are more added every day, getting further behind? That's supposed to be okay?!?

Yes. Good job. 

You can do more tomorrow.

Okay. 

It feels very important to be here.

It have written more about this on the other blog, but several years ago there were three aspects to me that I realized had specific importance to me: caregiver, writer, and historian. I reflected on what combining those would mean, and even though "teacher" seemed like a logical destination -- and my course of study is education -- what I felt was "healer".

Maybe it is that my broken places are going to heal. 

All of which may seem like a digression, but it is this frustration with our weaknesses and our Savior's understanding of them that leads to the next section of my talk and next week's post.