Pressing forward

People are often impressed by what I remember, and for how long after. I have a theory about that.

Part of the normal  process of remembering is that there are things that are sorted as not particularly important. They slough off, allowing you to prioritize the things that are more important.

Everything is important to me. I think that is why so much sticks. It also might make me a bit more prone to burnout.

As I started to feel more dread Tuesday, it sent my mind in many different directions. I am still working to get that in order. What are the priorities? What is the same? What is different?

I unfriended some people who were celebrating. I have avoided unfriending for years because I hope for chances at positive engagement. I had not previously considered the energy some of them took, even for just knowing about their posts. There are people who are not reasonable priorities. 

The first thing that came up was birthdays. I knew some of those friends were not having happy birthdays, but birthdays are still going to happen. Continued survival may become a more significant thing to celebrate. I still had to give those birthday wishes.

The next was the song of the day. It felt kind of trivial, except so much of my song curation relates to exploring other cultures and genres and things. It is not trivial, even when it results in a Ricky Martin song.

I had a couple of days before I needed to worry about blogging, but the Friday blogs have been about books and movies. Lately those have been about Japanese American internment in World War II, immigration at the Southern border, and activism against homophobia, transphobia, and the neglect of AIDS. 

It's not trivial.

Something else gave me more encouragement.

Part of my personal study to go along with the old conference talks has been old magazines. Yesterday I was reading the April 1988 Ensign, and I came across this quote:

“I write these few lines to inform you that we feel determined in this place not to be dismayed if hell boils over all at once. We feel to hope for the best, and determined to prepare for the worst.”
(History of the Church, 6:485–86.) 

That struck my heart, and then there was a story about a tornado.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1988/04/tornado?lang=eng

There had not been warnings about the tornado, but the weather had been hot and humid, and Don Hughes had been thinking about leaving early and his wife stopped by and suggested he leave early too.

He didn't because he felt like he had something to do, and that something was ultimately saving the people around him by keeping a cool head, getting them to the safest shelter, and then helping other people clear of the wreckage after.

We know many stories about people feeling the urge to move or delay or something that saves their own lives. If he had just gone home, he probably would have been perfectly fine, and maybe glad not to have been there. 

That gladness may have been unbearable survivor's guilt if he had. Not that you know in advance how things will turn out, but sometimes you can do some real good.

Those racing thoughts have mainly been focused on what good I can do, so it resonated with me, but that's not why I share it. 

The things that I have been doing are good for me. They have been things I felt that I needed to do, and there have been false starts and frustrations, but then clear benefits come, and that is encouraging.

Most of my smiles this week come from music and cats.

I expect that there will be a lot of terrible things, and it will be hard, with lots of anger and sadness and fear, but there will be good I can do and I will focus on that. 

With some things I posted, there was more response than usual. A lot of us have some similar feelings, and commiseration and mutual support can be valuable. I can do that.

A few things came up where I was persistently disagreeing with people whom I mostly like and respect. Some things that could seem minor are not, at least not to me. I have less ability to let things go, and I think I am reconciled to that. If I thought everything was important before...

I will try and keep my communications kind and helpful, but there may also be some bulldog tenacity.

Another thing about me is that I have always worried about being annoying. I would sometimes limit contact with people I really liked because I worried about them getting tired of me, often when I did not need to worry.

I mention that because this tenacity and inability to let some things go may end up being really irritating. 

Fortunately, in a very real way I have been preparing for this my entire life.