Talking about pornography

I have been noticing lately that all conversations regarding pornography tend to focus on addiction.

Addiction is certainly something that can happen, but it doesn't always happen. There are people who watch it sometimes, and sometimes don't, with no withdrawal symptoms.

This is important because if we focus on addiction as an absolute, and the only way in which viewing happens, since it is false it makes us unreliable, when we may be saying other things that are not only true but vital. For people to be able to trust what we say, we need to speak honestly, and that means not just that we don't intentionally lie but that we speak with some understanding, or at least with some awareness of what we don't understand.

It can also be valuable for us to understand how addiction works, and that it tends to fill in gaps and areas of misery. If we remember that, we can work at creating rich fulfilling lives where any addiction has less likelihood of taking hold. That is one way in which talking about pornography is similar to talking about drugs.

They are also similar in that there are valid reasons for not viewing pornography beyond addiction, and those points may be even more important.

If we believe sex is something that should be an enjoyable part of a healthy marriage, and and special within that marriage, then it is easy to see that porn would not be the best way of honoring that. It is not surprising then that pornography would often be degrading in its representations of sex. Because of that, viewing it can easily be demoralizing, and not helpful for keeping a good spirit. That has nothing to do with addiction.

If you use those images for arousal, as a counterfeit it is not surprising that the milder images will lose their effectiveness, and harder, more degrading comment will be needed for the same feeling. That is when addiction becomes a threat, but a commitment to the Spirit and a commitment to chastity were reason enough to turn back before.

That earlier premise, that sex should be an enjoyable part of a healthy marriage, seems so obvious but can become a stumbling block. If we get weird about sex, where members feel guilty enjoying it or thinking about it, or working to make the sex in a marriage more enjoyable, some people will find pornography easier, but it will be less rewarding.

If we get caught up in gender roles, where a husband cannot view his wife as a full person, or pay attention to her needs, or where either person in a relationship tries to shame the other, then pornography can seem easier, and is still less rewarding.

The worst part is that so many of the things we get wrong seem to be due to fear, where we are so afraid of straying off the path that we put up extra rules, that are far harsher - and stupider - than the existing commandments. Then things that are bad ideas turn into horrifying things.

That means that people outside of the church who might understand our points about why something is a bad idea think we are ridiculous, which is not great for missionary work. It also means that people inside of the church can have a harder time seeking help. And it can mean that the teenager you were trying to teach finds examples that prove you wrong, and doesn't believe you anymore, losing the good points that you had made.