Mormons and consent

Conversations about consent are becoming more common, and they are necessary to overcoming rape culture.

If that phrase startles you, well, this is mature content. I'm not going to be tawdry at any point, but I will be frank.

It is easy for active members to feel like we don't have a part in this conversation - if you're not married, you shouldn't be having sex. That may seem like we cannot make any contributions other than hypothetical. That is a mistake.

First of all, obviously Mormons have sex all the time. At church I see pregnant women, babies, and little children everywhere. Sex has played a big part in that.

Consent matters for married couples. Imagine a night where a chaste married couple is going to bed. He wants to have sex, but she doesn't.

Once upon a time, the husband forcing sex would not have been legally considered rape. It could have left some of the same scars on the wife, and it wouldn't have been a building block in a healthy respectful relationship though.

Let's say this husband would never force sex, but he shames her for not being there for his needs, when her job is to sustain and serve him; after all, it is his work that provides their house and all the nice things they have, and lets her stay home with the kids. She feels like dirt and gives in, then feels worse.

This would also not be considered rape, but it is still not a healthy relationship building block. The husband shows a lack of respect for the wife and her needs, and it is selfishness on his part. Sometimes when people talk about enthusiastic consent, they mean things like this. A person can not want it but still not fight it, for a variety of reasons.

I suspect another common scenario could be the wife not really feeling like it, but making herself available for feelings of obligation - perhaps she thinks of England while she does her wifely duty - but that, while better, is still not as good as it could be.

If both the husband and wife care about each others' needs, communication can help a lot. Then you can discuss the tiredness, and look for ways to relieve some of the burden. You can decide on morning sex instead of evening sex so everyone gets a fresh start. You can realize that some positions are not enjoyed as much as others and accommodate that.

I could go on in that vein, though we might start to venture into the tawdry, and really, that's not necessary. There is information on there on specific ways to increase your pleasure and on improving communication, which is often a good thing to do regardless.

No, my point here is one of equality. The reason it wasn't a crime to rape your wife is because she was yours; if she wasn't quite a much a piece of property as your table, she surely wasn't as much of a person as a man. There was tradition in that, but is has never been God's way.

The importance of establishing consent is that both people have to be free to say no before their yes can matter. That is partly that sex is very intimate, and can thus become very degrading when not wanted, but also because both parties need to have rights. They need to be equal.

It should be obvious that the right to not feel violated supersedes the right to have sex. The temporary frustration of not getting satisfied one way does not linger like the regret of acquiescing when you didn't want to, or burn like being forced when you didn't acquiesce. If your thought to concerns on the part of the other party is to get over it and it is no big deal, you do not deserve sex and I hope your partner sees that. Sex is a big deal.

So we should be able to talk about it. We should be able to know what the good parts of doing it are, and how it can go horribly wrong, and how a couple can work to make it more enjoyable for both of them.

We need that, because both people matter. Both parties are equally valuable. My examples have focused on reluctance on the part of the woman, because historically she has been the one most likely to lack status, but it works both ways. No woman should guilt or drug or intimidate a man into sex either. We believe in love and respect and kindness for all people.

So keep that in mind, and we will use it to take another look at modesty next week.