Minor adjustments

I have written before about school and distraction and playing games, though a lot of that has been on the main blog.

I recently realized that I was trying to concentrate on school -- which makes sense -- to the exclusion of other things -- which does not make sense and was not sustainable.

I would be working on schoolwork, and having a hard time focusing, so I would play a game of Spider Solitaire or watch some videos for a quick break.

It often ended up being too long of a break. 

Then, because I was not getting far enough along with school, I was also not getting to anything else and feeling frustrated about that. This did not help my concentration.

I hope this post isn't too much of a let down for people who have figured out all of this long ago.

Anyway, the answer ended up being that I needed to prioritize other things along with school.

Last night I watched a movie I had been meaning to watch, and then I did some more schoolwork. In between sections of the paper that I was working on, I folded laundry, changed my sheets, and did some cat grooming.

The night before I wrote three letters that I have been meaning to write for an embarrassingly long time. I did not get as much schoolwork done as I would have liked, but I think I was able to study better yesterday for having those letters done.

If part of my distraction is the other things I want to do pulling at me, then getting some of those done is more satisfying than the things that are supposed to be a quick distraction.

Don't get me wrong; writing even one letter takes longer than one game of Spider Solitaire does, if it ends up only being one game. However, the fact that it doesn't really solve anything may be why it tends to not be only one game, or why when I get back to the schoolwork my mind is still running around all over the place.

Technically it all makes sense. As unimpressive as an addiction to MarbleDrop might be, it is a very normal issue with addiction that you are substituting the object of the addiction for something else. It escalates because it keeps not working.

There is a small dopamine hit for having successfully solved a Sudoku puzzle, but if what I really want is to be keeping up with my church responsibilities or my housework or my friends, as well as keeping up with my schoolwork, then I should be addressing those needs.

Then you can quibble about whether those are multiple needs or the same need of feeling competent and on top of things... I mean, we can be complex people.

Regardless, last night I wrote three sections on the assignment and I still had fresh sheets! 

No post today

I think I am going to need to start a new series, but figuring that out. 

For your health

Dear readers, I have a cold.

I think I picked it up at OMSI. We went to see the Lego dinosaur exhibit. I was masked, but I have a common rhinovirus right now, which spreads from surface contact. This particular exhibit had lots of hands on building stations, meaning many people were touching the same bricks over and over. I am pretty good about washing my hands, but I guess I was not good enough.

This will not kill me. It is pretty annoying and it does not help my issue of being constantly tired, but I will survive.

There are worse things to catch than a cold. Diseases currently spreading in the United States include Covid, measles, and whooping cough. 

Making things worse, I am now reluctant to trust any information from the CDC. 

I know that in February the US was still averaging around 350 Covid deaths weekly.

I know there had been some interesting breakthroughs in what is happening with long Covid, though it's going to take additional research and good medical care for that to matter. 

Really, these are very discouraging times.

It's on us to do what we can to make things better.

Wear a mask when you are indoors in public spaces.

Actually, change that to "wear a respirator".

There is a lot of anti-masking sentiment, first directed against protesters, now against ICE. It makes sense, but none of the real or pretend ICE agents are wearing KN95, so let's start using our terms carefully.

https://www.3m.com/3M/en_US/personal-health-care-us/products/face-coverings-101/ 

Wash your hands frequently and thoroughly. 

Consider adding an air purifier. You can still build one with an ordinary fan and filters, but there are commercial ones too. This may not only help with disease, but also with pollen and smoke from wildfires.

Imagine a world where people had taken COVID seriously and not allowed the spread and mutations.

Imagine a world where people had not started spreading ridiculous lies about vaccines, starting with Andrew Wakefield lying for financial gain.

I'd say imagine no Trump and RFKJr, but at that point we will just start to cry.

So in this very difficult time, do the best you can to make things better. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/02/im-not-swearing-at-you-this-time-but.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/wear-damn-mask.html 

Until you find what works

I know it is because I am in school, but I keep thinking back to something on my mission.

My mission was to work with Laotian refugees in the San Joaquin valley.

The Lao language has a completely different alphabet, there are tones that affect which letters get used for some sounds, and there are not many cognates with English.

I had studied French, Spanish, Italian, and even bits of German and Norwegian, but there were no helps with that here. (Well, there were two Lao words that had been pulled from French, but that was about it.)

Previously learning languages had been pretty easy for me. I am not saying that there wasn't any studying or difficulty involved, but reading over the information and looking things up worked pretty well. 

That was all off the table in Lao.

Also, a lot of our work was with younger people who spoke English pretty well, often better than Lao.

We had time set aside each day for language study, but I was not using it effectively. I didn't know how.

This got worse in Modesto, where someone had donated a box of old church literature. There were some old scriptures in it, but also a lot of magazines. I would get distracted reading those magazines. I had always done a lot of reading before, but what we were allowed to read was very limited. Here was a treasure trove. There was a relief to reading in English when I did not feel like I was getting anywhere with the Lao.

Eventually my companion told me that it was a problem and she would have to tell the mission president. I started buckling down for that, because no one wants to get called into the principal's office. I did anyway, because someone else said I had a lot of potential but wasn't fulfilling it (my worst nightmare, other than vampires).

Those are not happy memories, but there is also one huge regret that has gotten worse.

When I did start studying effectively, the key for me ended up being writing. I suspect that is because the different alphabet was not entering my head as well; I needed to get it in via my hands as well as my eyes.

What I later realized would have been perfect was translating the magazines. It would have given me a wide range of vocabulary and given me practice writing and I still would have been able to read the magazines that I found so compelling. 

I still regret that I didn't think of it then. It really would have been perfect. 

I suppose in some ways it was a harder adjustment for me than for some other missionaries learning Lao. I was used to language coming easily, but the process I was using wasn't working. If they didn't have that experience, maybe that made it easier to just keep trying different things until something worked. 

Then again, maybe the first thing they tried did work, even if it required more effort.

In school I keep having to figure out how to approach various assignments. Often the first one that seems logical also feels wrong. 

I won't immediately give up the way that feels wrong, because there could just be some aversion to schoolwork or procrastination going on. However, it is important to remember that lots of different approaches are possible. Not only is it okay to change things up, it may be vital.

I suppose I am also thinking about this because on the main blog I am writing about different options for resisting. There often seems to be some failure of imagination. If you always do what you've always done...

The point is, don't give up. 

Do give it more thought. 

Growing

This post is going to combine two things that are different but with some similarities.

It might be clumsy.

First of all, the last three posts have been about believing my religion. 

I don't have a way to say that succinctly, accurately, and strong enough.

For example, I believe a lot of things in the Bible, but there are things that I definitely think were not inspired or mistranslated or that are symbolic. 

I believe in creation and in evolution. I don't know exactly how they work together, but I sure think the people who believe that the Bible is going to tell them everything about how it works are underestimating the complexity of that process and overestimating their ability to comprehend. 

I believe that we have prophets now, but I believe there are some things that they are not getting right, but also I believe there are some things that they might have to delay getting right because their listeners aren't ready yet, while still wondering if could there are ways they could speed things up and prepare their listeners better.

I also believe that sometimes even when there is something that you believe pretty unequivocally, you might not understand it that well. You may not realize the gaps in your understanding. I think my father's death has caused me to understand some things better about the spirit world, but I had not been thinking about them before. Was it lack of belief or understanding, or just not explored?

There is a vast universe with many true things. Not only is our mortal ability to understand limited, but there are things that are more important to know now and things where we can totally be fine waiting for a complete understanding.

That still leaves room for a lot of truth and beauty right now.

In addition, I taught Relief Society (the women's meeting) last week. 

The conference talk that I built the lesson around was My Love for the Savior is My "Why" by Elder Ricardo P. Giménez, given during the Saturday morning session:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/17gimenez?lang=eng 

What drew me to it was mainly from this paragraph:

For example, when you set a goal to read the scriptures, offer sincere prayers, or prepare an activity for your family or ward, is the real goal simply to accomplish these tasks? Or are these actions the means, the tools at your disposal, to achieve the true goal? Is the purpose merely to hold an activity because we have done it for many years and then check the box that we have completed it? Or, once again, are these the means we use to learn, to feel, and to connect with the Savior?

Beyond that, it was the different levels of "why", specifically with regards to holding an activity; helping with activities is one of my responsibilities.

Certainly, I have a calling and I do it; that is because I love the Savior. 

Without taking anything away from that, we have activities for fellowship with each other and sharing and learning and various purposes. Those are other reasons why. 

As we do some things, ideally we will learn more about the reasons: it was good I got this calling because I have learned this thing or gotten to know this person better or gotten more patient.

As we find that there is that help coming to us through doing what we are asked to do, we should get more of a sense that we are loved by the Savior. Our love for Him might grow.

That could be a cycle, but it is more than that because there is growth: more knowledge, more love, and more connection.

More people that we love and serve.

More capacity for the next level of understanding.

More truth and beauty. 

Where else would I go?

 John 6: 66 - 68

From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?

Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

That was another scripture that was quoted.

It is one that I had thought of before. Its primary resonance for me had been thinking of that time between crucifixion and resurrection and how awful that must have been for the apostles. 

Where would we go? A good answer was coming, but they didn't know it yet.

Mariann Budde used it in reference to commitment (which honestly makes more sense); this is where I have found truth, therefore this is where I will stay.

Surprisingly, I was asked recently why I still go to church. It was not a challenge, but had risen up in a discussion about other people who had stopped.

I go because I believe it is true.

This is where I get the knowledge that inspires the faith and the hope and the charity.

I am very aware of the imperfections of others who go. 

I have sympathy for those who have been hurt by those imperfections. 

Part of my hope is that we are going to become better together, but I am not basing my attendance on anyone else who is there or not there.

I have been thinking lately about whether that means I should start thinking about doing missionary work again, and I am not sure how that will work.

I get joy and help from the things I know. I believe other people could too. There may be obstacles to being comfortable committing to any church, especially with that imperfect people part.

Also, I once wrote that if I ever feel like it damages my integrity to stay in the church, that leaving was on the table. That is still true.

With all of that being said, I am still here, and feel good about being here. 

 I can give that affirmation of faith.

What will happen if...

Picking up where we left off -- regarding How We Learn to Be Brave by Mariann Budde -- there were two things that I really liked and where I want to spend more time. 

This week is going to be about what she wrote on the parable of the Good Samaritan.

It is generally agreed upon that when the priest and the Levite did not assist, that may not have been merely callous indifference but fear. Maybe they were seeing someone set upon by thieves, or maybe they were looking at bait, responding to which would get them set upon by thieves.

In Budde's description, they were thinking "What will happen to me if I help?"

The Samaritan's question was "What will happen to him if I don't help?"

I'm not saying that's the only way to evaluate the situation, but I found the idea powerful. We can be concerned for others. It does not even mean that we are not aware of our own needs, but having a genuine and urgent concern for others can powerfully change behavior.

It is a mindset where the test is not only to refrain from doing bad, but where there can also be responsibility in the failure to act.

Before I wrote last week's post, it felt like my dissatisfaction with the book was more a matter of small disagreements on technicalities.

During the process of writing it, that changed to a feeling that it was more of a matter of believing the gospel to be good versus believing it is true. Then it is not so much that we disagree about doctrine, but that for some people the doctrine wouldn't matter so much.

Something that originally surprised me was that in addition to Budde's own change in her late teens from being an Evangelical to an Episcopalian, an Episcopalian colleague of hers switched to heading a Lutheran church and it didn't seem to be a big deal. Maybe from that point of view, it isn't.

I have feelings about that, and that will be explored more in next week's post. 

I also realize that it is not at all uncommon for people to differ doctrinally from the church they attend. Many churches teach that God is intangible but many churchgoers have expressed a desire to hug Him first thing after they die. 

I want to take a moment to appreciate that it is possible -- even without a concrete belief -- to choose love and caring.

That is a comforting change from many who profess belief and yet become skilled haters.

We believe in something we call the light of Christ where people can feel things and be influenced for good even in the absence of teaching, but again, there are people who know better and do not feel it.

I appreciate caring where I find it. 

I appreciate being able to look at someone not obviously connected to yourself and care about what happens to them.