Happiness

While I didn't use the source talk a lot, there was one part that I did.

Remember, the talk was "Joy Through Covenant Discipleship" by Elder John A. McCune:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/46mccune?lang=eng 

He told various stories, about a mission president who carried warmth with him that people felt, and a woman who responded to that warmth when that mission president invited her to church. He told about how happy that woman's children were as they learned about commandments like tithing and felt that they needed to live them. 

He also told about the kindness and love extended by President Nelson on the same day that he lost a daughter to cancer. 

Many of these posts have been about how we are imperfect and that is normal and fine and it works out. As I think has also been clear, that can still be hard. 

I have heard people talk about how church membership gives you a lot of work. I don't see that as a downside, but I guess I do get that. When there are too many things that I want to get to, and I don't feel capable, that is frustrating.

There is also a lot of joy.

I had mentioned in one of the earlier posts how I can see hitting a plateau being a problem with spiritual growth, but as you keep getting new callings there is the opportunity for continued growth.

Again, it has been such a delight to get to know various women better and to relate to them.

Often we are relating about struggles. That's okay. I believe the struggle feels easier when you no longer thing that you are the only one. 

We'd had a member of the stake presidency visiting us when I spoke. He came up to me after and said that a lot of people felt the same way, worried about being enough. It is easy to not know that, but then once you become aware, you see it everywhere, and you also see that their efforts can be blessed and be enough, regardless.

I was at a meeting last week and a scripture came up that mentioned serving "with all your might".

My initial thought was that I have no might, but then, instead of "might" I gravitated on the "your".

Okay, my might is that while there are often things that I can't carry, I can sometimes still get them into place by shoving them.

I can be remarkably stubborn, which we can also call persistent to make it sound nicer.

My gift is not stamina, or smoothness or great musical skill or physical beauty or any kind of athleticism.

I am really smart, and good at working with data, and I love easily and listen well and I actually do have a lot of gifts that I can use to serve the people around me and God.

That brings me joy.

There are things that get me down. One pretty bad one that has been ongoing for a while now kicked up a notch last week. Do not think I didn't feel it.

I have still been strengthened and cared for, and life goes on.

Actually, one of my gifts is a fairly resilient emotional health, where I can roll with the punches pretty well. I know that there are people who have a harder time, and I am sorry for that.

I hope that there are people who care for you and help you.

I believe that you have your own gifts that can also help in different ways.

Those may not always be easy to figure out, but the joy in that is worth at least trying. 

 

Serving imperfectly

In general, the second counselor in the Relief Society presidency is over the activities during the week, with the first counselor focusing on the Sunday meetings. You have other people you work with, like teachers and music people for Sundays, and the Relief Society activities committee activities during the week.

(I hope all of this lore is interesting, as well as making some of these stories make more sense.)

I mention that because the head of the activities committee moved shortly before an upcoming activity (and shortly before I spoke). The new committee leader had not been called yet.

For that interim, I was in charge. There wasn't too much planning to do, but it felt very important to me to work on inviting more people. We don't get a lot of people at the activities. The ones who come seem to enjoy them, and that's the most important thing, but are there people who would benefit from coming that aren't there?

Anyway, inviting people seemed important. 

Normally my pattern is that there will be announcements and flyers on Sunday, an e-mail announcement two weeks before, a post in the Facebook group one week before, and then one last e-mail the day before. Is that the best way of doing it? I don't know, but it seems like a good amount of reminding without being too much.

This time I also sent cards to some people with flyers in them, and I talked to people and gave them flyers, and I think there was at least one text and one Facebook message to individuals too. What I know for sure is that of those extra steps, three people whom I personally handed flyers to came. Of those three, two of them are always there anyway. Did I sway one person? Probably not.

I mentioned this part in the talk, because if my purpose was to get more people to come to that activity, I failed.

However, if my purpose was to reach out to people to let them know I was thinking of them, or to remind them that these activities exist and attending is an option, or even for me that, "Hey, sometimes you're a little socially awkward and you could use the practice," then maybe I was successful.

It could be all of those.

Like I said, I will want to write more about ministering, but I was talking with one person who ministers to someone who was going through a bout of depression, which has been a recurring problem for her. No matter what she does, the person she is ministering to will still have depression. They can still have depression and know that you thought about them.

We have imperfect means and imperfect knowledge, so our attempts are most likely also going to be imperfect. 

They can still be helpful and beautiful.

Sometimes they can even be exactly right for the need at that time.   

Empathy

One of the most important parts in my talk, I think, was referencing the man in the Gadarenes from whom the demons were cast out. I did not remember writing about it before.

In fact, I had referenced it twice, in May 2017:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/05/trying-to-be-like-jesus-time-to-heal.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/05/trying-to-be-like-jesus-potential.html 

Naturally, this was when I was writing about trying to be like Jesus, so I went over many, many things; I wouldn't expect to remember them all. Some incidents struck me more at the time, while I was aware of other incidents and people that related.

I am going to try and recreate the thinking, and where it changed. Remember, the talk was about discipleship. Sometimes just looking at things through a different lens makes the difference.

One thing I had noticed before was how the method Jesus used for healing blind people changed multiple times. I did write about it in 2017, but I had noticed it earlier:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

While I can't rule out that they had different forms of or causes for their blindness, I tended to think it was more about giving them spiritual as well as physical healing.

For example, the man who kept clamoring more loudly (and there are some details that blur between the two men and Bartimaeus, so I don't want to be too specific there), that indicated he already strongly believed in the Lord's power and had a desire for healing that would persist in the face of opposition, as people told him to quiet down.

Maybe that's why it was so instant, whereas the man blind from birth did not know what was happening. Instead, he had a chance to grow in knowledge and testify of it gradually.

Regardless, it was looking at that that made me look at any interactions with Jesus knowing that he knew the other person's needs and intent on their welfare. This also meant empathy and an understanding of what they were ready to accept.

So when he is discouraging people volunteering to follow him, or telling the Syrophenician woman he will not heal her daughter (though he does, just with some more teaching), there are things that can seem harsh to us as onlookers. They quite possibly felt harsh to the people in those encounters, but that I have to believe were ultimately designed for their good.

That is loving as Jesus loved.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/09/as-i-have-loved-you.html 

Then, the other thing that I had really taken to heart back in 2017 was writing about 3 Nephi 17:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/02/trying-to-be-like-jesus-3-nephi-17.html 

The people had taken in as much teaching as they could absorb, so he wanted to give them a rest, but they didn't want him to leave. With compassion he found another way to engage with them, healing, ministering to their children, and loving them without taxing their minds further, even though there was going to be time for that later, after they had rested.

That is what led me back to the country of the Gadarenes.

We don't know anything about him, or how he became possessed in the first place, but we do know that once healed he wanted to follow Jesus. He apparently was not in any shape to do so, but, from Luke 8...

38 Now the man out of whom the devils were departed besought him that he might be with him: but Jesus sent him away, saying,

39 Return to thine own house, and shew how great things God hath done unto thee. And he went his way, and published throughout the whole city how great things Jesus had done unto him.

40 And it came to pass, that, when Jesus was returned, the people gladly received him: for they were all waiting for him.

He still did what he was asked.

He was asked only for something of which he was capable.

He still did good things with his assignment.

Is that not being a disciple? 

My thorn

In fact, neither my not driving nor my being unemployed ended up being big issues for the calling. Perhaps one lesson from that is that our worries are not always good predictors of the future. 

It doesn't stop new worries from coming. 

Currently the most stressful thing in my life is an inability to focus on my schoolwork.

All the emotions come in there: fear, anger, frustration, embarrassment. 

I have alluded to this before, and trying to change the way I think about it. It remains a problem. 

Procrastinating homework goes way back for me.

I used to attribute it to things coming really easily for me, so I didn't develop good study habits. I have been through multiple rounds of reforming and getting better. I know that I can.

I have thought that I was lazy, but other things show that I am not.  

I think it is more emotional. It isn't just school because it comes up with other responsibilities too.

I will have something I need to do, but it's like I have a mental block and I can't make myself do it. A common pattern is that I will try to just play some Spider Solitaire or something as a quick distraction, but then it isn't quick; it's a time sink. Hours later and I am still not done -- maybe having been thinking the whole time how I need to stop -- and I am telling myself how stupid I am, which is really not productive.

I call this state being "itchy and twitchy". 

I am sure there are issues with dopamine hits, and probably with connection, based on some other things I have read. Anxiety and my brain's specific neurology can play a role.

I have a very demanding schedule to complete my courses this term.

Frankly, it would be impossible if I were employed. Having extra time is good, but I still need to use it productively.

I have been having lots of thoughts and learning, understanding myself better, though still not enough to be fixed.

I have also been praying for a fix, but that has not happened.

That has also been a source of frustration, but I read something recently about healing. One thing referenced Paul.

2 Corinthians 12 

7 ... there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Okay, I am allowed to be imperfect, and it is not the end of the world. I still need to get these assessments done. 

I have been making slow progress. I get some things done, but there are always more undone.

I am trying to be grateful for what is done. There is growth, but then I am like, so that's it? I have one thing done out of seven and there are more added every day, getting further behind? That's supposed to be okay?!?

Yes. Good job. 

You can do more tomorrow.

Okay. 

It feels very important to be here.

It have written more about this on the other blog, but several years ago there were three aspects to me that I realized had specific importance to me: caregiver, writer, and historian. I reflected on what combining those would mean, and even though "teacher" seemed like a logical destination -- and my course of study is education -- what I felt was "healer".

Maybe it is that my broken places are going to heal. 

All of which may seem like a digression, but it is this frustration with our weaknesses and our Savior's understanding of them that leads to the next section of my talk and next week's post. 

On being enough

(This uses some specialized terminology for those who are not members, so there are clarifying notes at the end.) 

I sort of alluded to this in the first of the posts about my talk, but I think I need to expand on it. 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/08/currently-operating-at.html 

One big change for me since being called as a Relief Society presidency councilor is that I am a lot more aware of the struggles of the other women around me.

Some of that is from asking more questions. For example, we are supposed to do ministering interviews once a quarter. For my districts, that's twelve women that I am checking in on regularly on how they are doing with their responsibility to look after another twenty-two women.

(I realize that might be confusing for some, and I see a great need to write about ministering, but that is going to have to be another post.)

Suffice it to say, this new calling has led to more interactions and finding out more, but also sometimes I will just look at someone and feel that they are having a hard time, so there is empathy.

That may be why I felt the need to say this thing in my talk that I also said in a lesson I taught, and that I am going to reiterate now.

Although I did not seriously think about refusing the call (I have turned down a calling, but it's not something I would do lightly), there was a part of me wondering "Shouldn't I have it more together to do this?"

I felt that more for being unemployed at the time and not driving ever. 

I am still unemployed, but at this point I have decided that's okay while I am in school, and there's only four months left of that. When I got the call, I was looking hard for a job and not getting a lot of calls back. I had recently been turned down for one that seemed really promising. My life felt scarier and more in flux than usual.

Not driving has has embarrassed me for years. I think I am pretty much over the trauma that led to it in the first place, but that doesn't make it easy to change either. Sometimes I still think I should just do it, practice some and take the test, but I cannot afford a car or insurance now. Maria suggested saying I have too many DUIs as my excuse for not driving, but I don't think that would be less embarrassing.

Those two factors did not seem promising, but I was still going to do it..

That happened relatively late last year, when we were on the late schedule. The in January we switched to starting at 9 AM. Getting to church on time, or at all, has become much harder than it should.*

This is the first year I have seen how other people struggle with it. It's not everyone, but there are some people for whom it is always hard, some for whom it becomes harder as they age, and some where health problems have made it harder. 

We generally know our own problems, but we don't always know everyone else's. Sure, we are not supposed to compare, but sometimes we do.

So, I find myself admitting it more, though I have been fairly good about that for a while. 

I also have found myself saying -- back to that original question of whether I shouldn't be more together -- that I am not sure any wards have enough together people to fill all the presidencies.* *

That would require at least twenty-one people who have it together. At first you would think that's not that many, but as you get to know people more, having it together or feeling like you do is just rarer than you would have hoped.

And that's great! With imperfect people we serve and love and grow together. 

I have worried at times about plateauing, which is easy to do, but as callings regularly get changed around we keep getting opportunities to grow as we love and serve more. It's what we're here for.

I should note, a member of the stake*** presidency was on the stand, and after he said that he talks to members all the time who feel that same way. 

Now I get that, and I can trace the realization growing, but I did not know it the same way before. 

I think I am finally starting to carry this church understanding into my personal life. 

Notes: 

*A ward is the congregation you meet with, generally based on geography. Wards will share a common building, so for the sake of fairness we rotate starting times annually. My building has three wards, with start times of 9:00 AM, 10:30 AM, and 12 noon.

**Within wards are other organizations, like Primary for children, Young Men and Young Women (probably self-explanatory), Elders Quorum for adult men, Relief Society for adult women, and Sunday School. All of those have a president with two counselors and a secretary, not to mention the bishopric.

*** A stake is a group of wards, and they have their own presidencies. There are seven wards in my stake, sharing three buildings.

As I have loved you

That was the next step, right? "As I have loved you, love one another."

He calls it a new commandment right there, too. 

For the previous iteration, whether we are looking at "Love they neighbor as thyself" or "Do unto others as you would have others do to you", the viewpoint is centered on the self: what would I want?

The distinction might have something to do with our thoughts not being the same as His thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8)

I got into a weird frame of mind here, thinking that it is saying that we should do for people what they need rather than what they want, which doesn't sound good.

There can be a level at which that is true and right. The easiest example may be that parents not letting their child stay up all night or eat only candy, because that would be bad for them. That can be very loving, and something children will appreciate more as they grow. 

However, because there is that element of "I know best" to it, and we often don't know best, it seemed destined for failure.

I understood fairly easily that sometimes people will want different things than we would want. 

I know a lot of people make fun of The Five Love Languages now. I am willing to agree that there are ways in which it oversimplifies, but when I read it I was very impressed. Partners can have different preferences. Sometimes not having your preference honored is really hurtful. 

I know one person who was consistently sad that her boyfriend did not care about birthdays so ignored hers. She knew he didn't care, but she did and she communicated that she did, and he still ignored it. "Loving" her the way he preferred did not feel loving to her. Was that fair or logical? Maybe not, and maybe that was not the most important issue in the breakup. 

It didn't help.

Maybe the reason I struggled with the entire concept was that sometimes we don't know what we want or we want something wrong... would you do give someone something bad for them if that's what they wanted?

Clearly I got caught up in this conundrum where I was fixating on other people's desires rather than how the love of Christ works.

Remember when I spent months on the topic of "Trying to be like Jesus"? (That was from February to August of 2017.) Fortunately there were some insights there. 

One of them started with thinking about the examples we have of the blind being healed, and how the methods were different, where I began to believe there were lessons there.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

I started seeing a pattern of knowledge that was used to make those experiences more personally helpful.

Think of the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9. She wanted to be healed, and believed that just touching his robe would do it. She succeeded, and could have been satisfied with just that.

Identifying her, however, and letting her know that her faith had done it, well... that would give her a greater understanding of spiritual things, which would have an important influence on her life. In addition, being noticed by him, as an individual, must have been very powerful.

The problem with trying to love like Jesus is that we do not have the knowledge or the power to understand what people need and be able to grant it, at least not all of the time.

We do know that he loved us enough and respected our right to choose enough to atone for our sins and heal our infirmities. That can be our sign not to force anything on anyone.

Then, for being loving, we can at least try and be understanding, especially when there are differences.

We can respect others' choices, even when we see clear problems.

We can try and help people without judging whether they got themselves into the mess or not, but we can also be honest about the problems, so not enabling.

That's a difficult balance for imperfect people; we are sure to make mistakes.

He has compassion on us when we make those mistakes, and appreciates our attempts.

Go and do likewise. 

Loving your neighbor

Last week was "Love one another" but the "as I have loved you" is an important distinction. (John 13:34)

There is a progression that has been going on, culminating in this commandment.

In Leviticus 19 the Israelites were told to love their neighbors:

18: Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of they people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the Lord.

Now, you will notice that there is no commandment to hate enemies in there, but -- perhaps because of the mention of "the children of they people" -- that appears to have been interpreted as being insular. In the Sermon on the Mount we get...

You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. (Matthew 5:43 - 44)

Perhaps there was some resistance to having to love too many people; even now there are signs.

As it is, we get two more clarifications on this one.

A lawyer who was looking to trap Jesus asked a question that would have worked well just with loophole seeking, "Who is my neighbor?" (Luke 10:29)

Jesus answers with the parable of the Good Samaritan, which tells us that everyone is your neighbor. 

Actually, it tells us that the neighbor is the one that showed mercy.

Despite the injunction to go and do likewise, I suppose that could be interpreted in a way that the people who treat you well are your neighbors, so you need to love them. If someone is a jerk to you, then you can hate them, except the hate may have always been extrapolation.

Fortunately, there was some more clarification back in the Sermon on the Mount:

Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

The Leviticus version, mentioning not bearing grudges, may be giving kind of an idea to not let bad treatment or behavior creep in; the Golden Rule may be telling us to be actively good. You would like this; you would not like that... shouldn't that be an obvious guideline for how we treat other people?

Many years ago, there was a youth speaker talking about motivation. (It was Brother Winwood, for those who might remember.) 

He was talking about taking his wife out to dinner, and compared doing it out of fear (like she would get mad at him if he didn't) versus doing it out of a sense of responsibility (it's the right thing to do) versus doing it because he loved her.

It kind of came down to "I have to", "I ought to", or "I want to."

I remember thinking of it as aligning to telestial, terrestrial, and celestial, and that often you can break things down into three levels. Regardless of whether that actually fits here (where I am seem to be finding four groups), it was a pattern I would look for.

It does appear there are people who claim to follow Christ who are at the level of being nice to people who are good to them, and comfortable leaving it at that. I would like to remind them that the part about it being okay to hate your enemies is only referenced as hearsay. Also, the people in that camp can change who's in and who's out at the drop of a hat. 

Regardless, that is even below the bare minimum, where loving (maybe mostly the people around you) focuses on avoiding the bad. 

There is a higher level where you are actively doing good.

Then there is loving like the Savior loves. 

There is actively doing good in there, but there is also more.