As I have loved you

That was the next step, right? "As I have loved you, love one another."

He calls it a new commandment right there, too. 

For the previous iteration, whether we are looking at "Love they neighbor as thyself" or "Do unto others as you would have others do to you", the viewpoint is centered on the self: what would I want?

The distinction might have something to do with our thoughts not being the same as His thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8)

I got into a weird frame of mind here, thinking that it is saying that we should do for people what they need rather than what they want, which doesn't sound good.

There can be a level at which that is true and right. The easiest example may be that parents not letting their child stay up all night or eat only candy, because that would be bad for them. That can be very loving, and something children will appreciate more as they grow. 

However, because there is that element of "I know best" to it, and we often don't know best, it seemed destined for failure.

I understood fairly easily that sometimes people will want different things than we would want. 

I know a lot of people make fun of The Five Love Languages now. I am willing to agree that there are ways in which it oversimplifies, but when I read it I was very impressed. Partners can have different preferences. Sometimes not having your preference honored is really hurtful. 

I know one person who was consistently sad that her boyfriend did not care about birthdays so ignored hers. She knew he didn't care, but she did and she communicated that she did, and he still ignored it. "Loving" her the way he preferred did not feel loving to her. Was that fair or logical? Maybe not, and maybe that was not the most important issue in the breakup. 

It didn't help.

Maybe the reason I struggled with the entire concept was that sometimes we don't know what we want or we want something wrong... would you do give someone something bad for them if that's what they wanted?

Clearly I got caught up in this conundrum where I was fixating on other people's desires rather than how the love of Christ works.

Remember when I spent months on the topic of "Trying to be like Jesus"? (That was from February to August of 2017.) Fortunately there were some insights there. 

One of them started with thinking about the examples we have of the blind being healed, and how the methods were different, where I began to believe there were lessons there.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

I started seeing a pattern of knowledge that was used to make those experiences more personally helpful.

Think of the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9. She wanted to be healed, and believed that just touching his robe would do it. She succeeded, and could have been satisfied with just that.

Identifying her, however, and letting her know that her faith had done it, well... that would give her a greater understanding of spiritual things, which would have an important influence on her life. In addition, being noticed by him, as an individual, must have been very powerful.

The problem with trying to love like Jesus is that we do not have the knowledge or the power to understand what people need and be able to grant it, at least not all of the time.

We do know that he loved us enough and respected our right to choose enough to atone for our sins and heal our infirmities. That can be our sign not to force anything on anyone.

Then, for being loving, we can at least try and be understanding, especially when there are differences.

We can respect others' choices, even when we see clear problems.

We can try and help people without judging whether they got themselves into the mess or not, but we can also be honest about the problems, so not enabling.

That's a difficult balance for imperfect people; we are sure to make mistakes.

He has compassion on us when we make those mistakes, and appreciates our attempts.

Go and do likewise. 

Loving your neighbor

Last week was "Love one another" but the "as I have loved you" is an important distinction. (John 13:34)

There is a progression that has been going on, culminating in this commandment.

In Leviticus 19 the Israelites were told to love their neighbors:

18: Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of they people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the Lord.

Now, you will notice that there is no commandment to hate enemies in there, but -- perhaps because of the mention of "the children of they people" -- that appears to have been interpreted as being insular. In the Sermon on the Mount we get...

You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. (Matthew 5:43 - 44)

Perhaps there was some resistance to having to love too many people; even now there are signs.

As it is, we get two more clarifications on this one.

A lawyer who was looking to trap Jesus asked a question that would have worked well just with loophole seeking, "Who is my neighbor?" (Luke 10:29)

Jesus answers with the parable of the Good Samaritan, which tells us that everyone is your neighbor. 

Actually, it tells us that the neighbor is the one that showed mercy.

Despite the injunction to go and do likewise, I suppose that could be interpreted in a way that the people who treat you well are your neighbors, so you need to love them. If someone is a jerk to you, then you can hate them, except the hate may have always been extrapolation.

Fortunately, there was some more clarification back in the Sermon on the Mount:

Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

The Leviticus version, mentioning not bearing grudges, may be giving kind of an idea to not let bad treatment or behavior creep in; the Golden Rule may be telling us to be actively good. You would like this; you would not like that... shouldn't that be an obvious guideline for how we treat other people?

Many years ago, there was a youth speaker talking about motivation. (It was Brother Winwood, for those who might remember.) 

He was talking about taking his wife out to dinner, and compared doing it out of fear (like she would get mad at him if he didn't) versus doing it out of a sense of responsibility (it's the right thing to do) versus doing it because he loved her.

It kind of came down to "I have to", "I ought to", or "I want to."

I remember thinking of it as aligning to telestial, terrestrial, and celestial, and that often you can break things down into three levels. Regardless of whether that actually fits here (where I am seem to be finding four groups), it was a pattern I would look for.

It does appear there are people who claim to follow Christ who are at the level of being nice to people who are good to them, and comfortable leaving it at that. I would like to remind them that the part about it being okay to hate your enemies is only referenced as hearsay. Also, the people in that camp can change who's in and who's out at the drop of a hat. 

Regardless, that is even below the bare minimum, where loving (maybe mostly the people around you) focuses on avoiding the bad. 

There is a higher level where you are actively doing good.

Then there is loving like the Savior loves. 

There is actively doing good in there, but there is also more. 

Love one another

As I mentioned last week, the assigned topic for my talk was "How can we become disciples of Christ?"

My first thought was, That's easy! It's right in John 13:

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

Perfect! Shortest talk ever! 

On further examination, well, maybe that's not how you become disciples, it's how people know that you are disciples. Loving would probably still be a big part of the discipleship, but is it how you become one?

I am willing to believe that there may be steps to becoming a disciple where people know it. (I am also positive that the way people know it is not by you telling them.)

It used to bother me when people would say that you have to love others before you can love yourself. I knew that I loved others and I had some issues loving myself. 

As I have become more okay with myself, I love others much better. Being self-conscious often got in the way of expressing, accepting, and acting on love.

One problem is the phrasing. "Before you can" makes it sound like an on/off switch; you either love others or you don't. That's the part that makes the statement false, before we even get to whether you love yourself and all the things that can make that hard.

So, believing that loving others (and ourselves) is not a binary but a spectrum, I find it possible to believe that becoming a disciple has steps that result in us loving others (and ourselves) more. 

Then when we have achieved that level of love, that's when others will know.

I did not end up referencing the resource talk, Elder John A. McCune's "Joy Through Covenant Discipleship" a lot while I was speaking. I read it every day while preparing. There wasn't anything irritating me about it (which I cannot say about every conference talk), but there wasn't anything strongly resonating with me either. 

When it was my turn to teach the Relief Society lesson, I knew right away which one I wanted; I knew it when I first read it. (This one.) Elder McCune's talk just wasn't having the same impact.

That made me glad that it was only a resource rather than the topic. 

I did still find a way to bring it in, with some of the examples he included of people whose warmth and love and joy you feel. 

That included a mission president in Mongolia, who drew the attention of a woman in a store who later ended up joining the church. 

It included that woman and her family, who were enthusiastic and joyful about learning more and knowing what to do.

It also included President Nelson, who was kind and loving to the McCunes, making them feel like the most important people in the world, but later they found out that was the same day one of his daughters died of cancer.

A new member, a mission president, and a prophet are all on different places along the path, but they were all able to find joy and reassurance -- even in the face of difficulties and loss -- for where they were.

It's important to remember that even as more knowledge and more ability and more experience are in the future, there can still be love, reassurance, and joy right here and now and all along the way.

I had thought I was going to write about a different progression, but that's not how it went.

There is always more to learn and think about.

We'll probably get to that one next week. 

Speaking in church

Okay, I am going to spend some time going over things I covered in my talk, starting with some of the instructions.

For the past couple of talks, I had been given a conference talk and built from that. This time there was a topic, along with listed resources and the first resource listed was a conference talk.

Topic: — How can we become disciples of Christ?

Conference Talk or Other References to Help: 

• Recent conference talk: Elder McCune - Joy through Covenant Discipleship

• https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/46mccune?lang=eng

• Other General conference talks

• Share any relevant personal experiences

• Share your testimony

• Share relevant scriptures

    

I don't want to give too much importance to that, but I think it's interesting.  

When I gave my very first talk as a youth speaker (around twelve years old), I was advised to tell a story like from a church magazine or something and then bear my testimony. I used a story from Elder Bruce R. McConkie about his father getting a feeling that he was in trouble and coming and saving him from getting injured while horseback riding. I might have found it in the family home evening manual, but maybe a Friend or New Era. 

Many talks did follow this pattern, I observed, but I didn't find it satisfying. I started going more with a five paragraph essay kind of thing, where I would have an opener, three points, and a conclusion.

I should note that we did not have a particularly large youth, so I spoke about once a year. In some wards that would have been very unlikely.

I stuck to that format for a while. Moving into adulthood, I stopped being able to write talks. That eventually led to my current process of lots and lots of journal writing in preparation. I wrote about that a while back.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2022/07/speaking-and-teaching.html 

On a related note, back when I was a Gospel Doctrine teacher for the first time, I would read through the manual and I would read the chapters for the lesson every day of the preceding week. Then I just let the lesson flow.

That was in the singles ward. I remember getting some talk advice there: use three scriptures, mention the Savior at least once, and bear your testimony.

That didn't change the not being able to write a talk process, but I did start then making sure to have at least three scriptures.

With this new phase, I had not spent nearly as much time on the journal writing as a I wanted to. It didn't ruin the talk, though it is possible that there could have been something better if I had written more.

It is also entirely possible that "something better" would have just been for me... something I would have understood better or gotten insight for me.

When I am up there, I just want to invite the Spirit so people can hear what they need to hear; it may not be something I say. (That Speaking and Teaching post above has a good story about that.)

There are probably three points to today's post. One is that we change and evolve; what works for us at one stage in life may not be what works for us in the next. There can be growing pains as we move to something new (or other kinds of pains as we lose ground), but ultimately growth is good so try and embrace it. 

Another point is that different things work for different people; try and only worry about what works for you. Don't compare yourself to others. 

With the talk by Elder Cowley that influenced me, I remember him saying that when he was advised to never write a talk, that he was told that wasn't necessarily for anyone else. I also assume that he spoke in conference, and I know the conference speakers, at least later, had to provide copies for the translators. He might have had to do things differently for conference. 

The main point is that there should be a way that you can invite the Spirit, which is the most important thing, so don't worry about what you can't do or what other people might do better. Focus on that which feels best -- by the Spirit -- for you.

While it may not be obvious, this does totally relate to other things that were in my most recent talk. 

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/08/currently-operating-at.html  

Currently operating at...

I don't know if I will post for weeks and weeks about my talk When I did that three years ago, there were many different tangents that could have fit with the talk, so there was a lot unsaid.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2022/08/my-talk-pioneer-heritage.html 

For the talk about a year ago, while there were many things that I had thought and written about but did not say, there still wasn't a lot that felt unsaid. 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/08/my-mother-my-talk.html 

(By the way, the way this talk came about, I realized that the reason I am always speaking in the summer is that lots of people go out of town and are unavailable. We are not hot weather people, so schedule our vacations for fall or winter or maybe spring. It leaves me available.)

This time I did have a lot of thoughts. In the past that has generally resulted in me doing a lot of journal writing so that I know I have gotten everything out of my system. That way, my hope is that when I give the talk I will only say things that can be helpful to others there, rather than saying things that I do need to say but it doesn't matter how or to whom.

I was not happy with the amount of writing I got done this week.

I had mentioned on the other blog that there was a lot of reading for class; it didn't leave me much time for anything else. 

I read the suggested talk multiple times and I did some journal writing. I won't even say that my writing was perfunctory, but it wasn't as much as I would have liked. It was not enough for the thoughts to fully stop buzzing around in my head.

There just wasn't the capacity to keep up with both school and that.

Appropriately, a portion of the talk was about how we often don't know for sure what we need to do or how much or if it is enough.

Was my preparation this time enough?

I think it worked out. It was possibly even good for me to see that it can be okay to not do as much when you have less time. I mean, that's probably going to come up again.

Regardless, I asked that question: is it enough? Well, maybe.

I believe that being in school is where I am supposed to be now, and that is important. Logically, giving time to school is then necessary and appropriate. 

It's also not the only thing in my life. There are church responsibilities and family responsibilities and friends and the yard and so many other things.

I do not feel like I am operating at full capacity. I am trying to do good things with the capacity I currently have. 

Sometimes there are things that I had believed should be possible, but when I get there I find I don't have it in me.

I was kind of telling other people to be gentle with themselves for that.

Maybe that's good advice. 

Attention breaks

Lately I have had to figure a lot of things out. They aren't necessarily big things, but having answers still helps.

I have noticed a pattern where when I am doing my scripture study (currently still conference talks most days), I will get little ideas. They don't seem like anything big, but it gives me something to try.

Lately, that has mainly been things like realizing whom to ask about something, or that I should send a message or that I could do this for someone's birthday.  

Then, when I am praying later, I will realize that was an answer and I should express gratitude for that.

Overall there are no huge changes, but I am progressing through school and maintaining more contact with people, which I like. 

The big thing, though, is that I have these habits built into my day where there is time to listen and get impressions, and also to notice that happened.

I mean, it might be fine if when the small idea came that there was this realization then that yes, I am getting answers and being guided and I value this. Then again, maybe it would seem like too big a deal when I still have more things to do.

Regardless, I value that guidance, and the friends and relationships I have, and the knowledge of it all. 

I really value the Holy Ghost.

Also, I value that cumulative effect of daily scripture study and prayer, over and over again, not generally dramatic but still very important. 

 

Minor adjustments

I have written before about school and distraction and playing games, though a lot of that has been on the main blog.

I recently realized that I was trying to concentrate on school -- which makes sense -- to the exclusion of other things -- which does not make sense and was not sustainable.

I would be working on schoolwork, and having a hard time focusing, so I would play a game of Spider Solitaire or watch some videos for a quick break.

It often ended up being too long of a break. 

Then, because I was not getting far enough along with school, I was also not getting to anything else and feeling frustrated about that. This did not help my concentration.

I hope this post isn't too much of a let down for people who have figured out all of this long ago.

Anyway, the answer ended up being that I needed to prioritize other things along with school.

Last night I watched a movie I had been meaning to watch, and then I did some more schoolwork. In between sections of the paper that I was working on, I folded laundry, changed my sheets, and did some cat grooming.

The night before I wrote three letters that I have been meaning to write for an embarrassingly long time. I did not get as much schoolwork done as I would have liked, but I think I was able to study better yesterday for having those letters done.

If part of my distraction is the other things I want to do pulling at me, then getting some of those done is more satisfying than the things that are supposed to be a quick distraction.

Don't get me wrong; writing even one letter takes longer than one game of Spider Solitaire does, if it ends up only being one game. However, the fact that it doesn't really solve anything may be why it tends to not be only one game, or why when I get back to the schoolwork my mind is still running around all over the place.

Technically it all makes sense. As unimpressive as an addiction to MarbleDrop might be, it is a very normal issue with addiction that you are substituting the object of the addiction for something else. It escalates because it keeps not working.

There is a small dopamine hit for having successfully solved a Sudoku puzzle, but if what I really want is to be keeping up with my church responsibilities or my housework or my friends, as well as keeping up with my schoolwork, then I should be addressing those needs.

Then you can quibble about whether those are multiple needs or the same need of feeling competent and on top of things... I mean, we can be complex people.

Regardless, last night I wrote three sections on the assignment and I still had fresh sheets!