If this is the end

Writing about death last week, I said it was not about the Second Coming, but there are commonalities.

One sure thing about mortality is we will die; that end is always coming.

If it happens in a global apocalypse there are some different specifics, but it does not change how we would want our souls to be.

In this current timeline, it is really easy to question how close we are to Christ's return.

It would be foolish of me to try and answer. The scriptures tell us we don't know when it will be. Looking at times when prophecies were fulfilled... yeah, it's obvious that's what it meant after it happens, but not clear in advance how it will happen.

But yes, I do believe that Christ will return, ushering in a thousand years of peace. 

Yes, it does seem like we could be pretty close.

Does that make anything different?

I would like to express my disappointment that people -- including people who claim to be Christian -- voted for Trump. I don't think a lot of people had doubts on my feelings about that, but I do want to be clear.

I have to accept that there are a lot of things that are outside of my control. That has always been true, but there are ways in which it is more obvious -- and in scarier ways -- now.

However, I also have faith. Sin and death have been conquered, and a thousand years is a lot of time for healing and for promises being fulfilled and for things being made right.

There is a balance to be struck between what is known and what is not known, and what can be controlled and what can't.

Remember, I have written many posts on emergency preparedness, and I still think about those things. There is also a limit to how much they might matter.

For example, you can do things to make your home more resilient to earthquake conditions, but I am not sure how well those things would hold up when the Cascadia Megaquake hits. 

It your house is reduced to rubble, but you have tents and sleeping bags and flashlights and food and water supplies, that could be really helpful.

If part of the reduction to rubble is a big piece striking you in the head and killing you, those supplies won't do much for you. They could still help someone else.

Also, if you reinforcing your chimney and strapping your water heater tank to the wall and bolting your house to the foundation was not enough to stand up to the Cascadia Megaquake, but was enough for some of the smaller quakes we have had, well, that's something too.

I know some of the things that I am going to want to write about, but there are three things to think about over all.

If this is the end, it's going to look like we are losing right up until then. You can't let that discourage you. It will be better than good, eventually.

Instead of meaning that your efforts don't matter, it means that everything matters. It matters because that ultimately is who you are, and whom you will be after. It matters because when things are terrible, anyone doing good is really important.

Get good at listening to your inner voice. Maybe you will get a thought to buy sleeping bags and I will get a thought to get training on Naloxone... do the things that come to you.

If you are not particularly religious, this may sound weird, I know. 

I want to affirm that why I do what I do is based on my faith and my love. 

That gets me through.

I will take questions if you want to ask. 

Facing the end

This is not about the Apocalypse, though that is coming.

This is just about death.

Yes, we are still dealing with details of my father's death and my mother's deterioration. That may influence some of my thoughts, but this comes more from something else.

In our circle of acquaintance there is someone else's mother who is dying from cancer. They are working very hard to grant her every whim.

On one level that is very understandable, but there are things about this that have not felt right. That is largely because she has been a very selfish and kind of mean person. Still, they love her, they are losing her... we are not going to tell them how to deal with it.

Last week I was reading in the April 2017 General Women's session and read "Trust in the Lord and Lean Not" by Sister Bonnie H. Cordon:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2017/04/trust-in-the-lord-and-lean-not?lang=eng 

She shared the story of another woman who faced a cancer diagnosis with a low (17%) survival rate. She found the chemo so difficult that she wanted to stop fighting, and told her husband that.

In his wisdom, my sweetheart patiently listened and then responded, ‘Well, then we need to find someone to serve.’

That sounds insensitive, and maybe even condescending, except that he was also right.

“Service,” Amy testifies, “saved my life. Where I ultimately found my strength to keep moving forward was the happiness I discovered in trying to relieve the suffering of those around me. I looked forward to our service projects with great joy and anticipation. Still to this day it seems like such a strange paradox. You would think that someone who was bald, poisoned, and fighting for [her] life was justified in thinking that ‘right now it is all about me.’ However, when I thought about myself, my situation, my suffering and pain, the world became very dark and depressing. When my focus turned to others, there was light, hope, strength, courage, and joy. I know that this is possible because of the sustaining, healing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

As it was, she lived. I don't know that the service is why she lived, but it is why she was able to bear it. 

I believe it would also have better prepared her for death if it had come at that time.

That's not saying that there can't be a balance. If there are things that she wants to do again or people she wants to see again, of course do that. 

As it is, it sounds like her greatest pleasure is in the catering, and I am not sure that will transfer well onto the other side.

It would also be hard to change from a life of selfishness (and a little bit of meanness) in just six months, I still think any efforts to that end are a good idea.

We can all be sure that we will die. I am equally sure that will not be the end. 

I was taught long ago that the only things you carry with you are your personality, your relationships, and your intelligence. 

If those are yours to keep (maybe the memories will take a vacation before you die, but they will come back), then that is worth some effort, and preparation.

And if death is quickly stalking all of us, then it becomes more urgent.

The Decades Long Healing Plan

Just in case you have an accumulation of damage that would take decades to heal -- even though you may be well into that process -- I thought that I would document my journey in case there are tips in there that can be useful for someone else.

The frustration is that I have documented parts of it all along -- on this and on the main blog -- but searching all the links just does not appeal.

To be fair, a lot of what was documented was only partially documented; my perspective has changed and understanding has been added over time.

To recap...

The starting wounds were that I came to a father unhappy with himself in general but also at a time of grief. Even with a loving mother, she believed that proper parenting was telling other people your kids were great, but telling your kids what they needed to correct.

It was exacerbated by having communication shut down at various times, because they were busy or didn't want to bother.

That left me with a feeling that there was something lacking in me, and no one wanted to hear about my problems, so I tried to be very good and make up for it.

In school I learned that the problem with me was fat, and that no one was ever going to love me until I fixed that. If a boy pretended to be attracted to me it was a joke, and if I showed that I liked him, that was gross.

Also, I probably have ADHD and sensory issues.

The mix of things in how it happens is very important.

Yes, there will be people who will judge you right away for your body size. There are also people who can be attracted to you, and it not be a joke.

I know women who are heavier, and would have faced at least some criticism for it, but they were very validated by their fathers and they were still able to have some confidence and romantic relationships.

I want to stress that, because while there were definitely people along the way who were selfish or cruel or jealous or thoughtless, different people could have reacted differently to it. 

I took everything as my own responsibility, and also I accepted things that were very harsh against me. 

When it was revealed that I liked a boy who was also my friend, I believed we could never be friends again. I am not sure that was true now, but withdrawing seemed like the only option.

Anyway, that's the damage that I had.

I mentioned recently starting to realize that in fact it is better to admit when you are wrong, and that such a thing was possible. That happened in my early 20s, and happened by observing other people and their reactions.

Caring about other people's feelings was also an important part of that. I don't want to worry about people's opinions on me that much, but if I am causing other people to feel devalued or put down, I do care about that.

Also, if I am wrong about something, I would rather know and change it.

Learning that was important, and possibly my main growth until my early 30s.

That was when I started to believe someone could like me, was crushed terribly, and was clinically depressed for several months.

This is also when I lied to the therapist. 

One key thing about that session is that it helped me understand that some very clear memories had that clarity because they shaped me. I didn't really analyze them at that time to see that the lessons I had learned were wrong, but having the reference points still helped.

As it was, the depression only ended through prayer. I was healed of that pain through the Atonement.

I prayed because I realized that if I was still hurting that much after so long, I was not going to get better on my own. 

At the same time, I suspect that all that pain that came out -- the months of crying and gloom -- was necessary. I believe I needed to feel the emotions I had shut down so hard for so long.

Emotions are inconvenient, but they are real.

At the end of that particular phase of healing, there was an understanding that I was capable of being loved, but I still did not have a vision of how that would work and what it would look like.

While I don't know that it was directly related to healing, this next phase involved blogging, and starting on social media, and employment issues.

Expressing myself more probably did help with that belief that no one was interested in hearing about my problems. 

Starting to have money and job problems cracked at that need to constantly fix everything for everyone else, though that was a process.

It still is, in some ways.

Still, I think the next big stage in healing was that I started adopting depressed teenagers on Twitter. 

First of all, I started a lot of reading to try and understand and help them better, much of which also had insight for me. 

The other big thing is that if I wanted them to believe that happiness was possible and that they should be allowed it, how much of a hypocrite was I going to be if it was only for them but not for me?

The thing that felt big most recently was connecting the need to fix everything for everyone else to Dad not being happy with himself. Caring for others is good and a core part of my nature, but there are limits to what can be done and what is my responsibility.

That was the basic trajectory. Is it helpful?

I believe in paying attention and analyzing. Sometimes there is a sense that it will be painful, but usually not examining the pain hurts worse and over a longer time period.

I also believe in the power of prayer and the healing power of the Atonement. We don't have to do it all on our own.

We all incur damage. I would like to say that it doesn't have to define us, but my damage has been so much a part of my life, it might define me.

Fine. That definition includes the compassion and strength that I have gained, and the healing.