Mighty in prayer

That's my resolution for the new year: I want to be might in prayer.

That phrase came to me, and sounded right; then I had to figure out what it meant.

I am writing about that now because I have seen many things about resolutions from other people, and it seems like a good topic to address.

This post is at least partially a backlash to a certain type of resolution that appears most frequently, but I am going to hold off on addressing that specific one for now, except to say they are resolutions based on worldly standards.

It is very easy to know what the world thinks is wrong with you. 

It is perhaps harder to trace the reasons for those pressures and how they tend to be deeply rooted in capitalism and dominator culture. There will often be ways for someone to profit off of your perceived deficiencies. Even if there is not an actual cash profit, at least if they can feel superior to you, or have you feeling distant enough from other people with similar issues that needed solidarity is disrupted. That still works out for those already in power.

I don't think it will necessarily be helpful for me to go off on capitalism (though it may be worth pointing out that something designed to extract profit from you is likely to have a high failure rate built in), so instead let me tell a story from a friend.

She was living in another city where there was a singles ward but a big gender imbalance. She and her friends prayed for more men to move into the area. Several men did, but they were gay. They kept praying more specifically for exactly what they needed, or at least what they thought they needed (more righteous straight men, with jobs), but somehow there was always something missing in the response.

What I couldn't help but think (and this was long after the fact, so not at all helpful) was that maybe they should have tried asking what they should do instead of praying for what they wanted.

Maybe you should move. Maybe there's someone that needs to be reactivated. Maybe you have personal growth that is needed before marriage would be good for you. 

Please believe me that I understand the desire to be married and the feeling that there is no one there for you. I have been there, but I have also completely missed other messages that were right there. 

Let me add that it was fine, and I still think that things have pretty much turned out well, but there was a lot that I didn't understand along the way.

There are many voices out there -- some of which seem really reasonable -- that are still wrong, at least for you.

I can't tell you what your path should be, but I can offer you my own example.

I believe the reason "mighty in prayer" came to me was because I am always feeling like there is so much to be done and my efforts are so small. In trying to understand what can be done, and what can and should be done by me, that was my direction.

It is an answer, but it's not a complete answer. What does that even mean, and how do I get there?

The first thing that I see that is lacking in my prayers is that I am often too tired to spend enough time on them or have enough clarity. When I have too many worries and thoughts buzzing around, there is a real danger of inspiration being crowded out. 

That makes the first phase of this resolution working on being better rested while also taking time to write about my thoughts, or locate missing items, or other steps to take away some of the noise.

See? Even as I am imploring you to listen more, I am working on listening myself. It takes work, but all of the small answers and guidance that comes are worth it.

If bigger and bolder answers come, that require bigger and bolder things of me... well, being better rested and organized can only help.

Two things about Enoch

Except it's really kind of just one thing.

This is not about the Biblical Enoch who had a city named after him that was united enough to be taken to Heaven. That would be great.

This is about eight people dead in a murder-suicide in a small town in Utah.

https://ksltv.com/516921/what-we-know-about-the-family-killed-in-enoch-murder-suicide/

The first thing -- and this is so Utah -- is comments made by a relative that the murderer removing the guns from the home left his wife, children, and mother-in-law vulnerable.

https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/utah/articles/2023-01-06/family-of-slain-utah-family-says-husband-took-guns-from-home

The theory is that both women were trained in gun safety and able to protect human life, so if they'd had their own guns they would have been able to take him out, I guess.

“This is the type of loss that will continue to occur in families, communities and this nation when protective arms are no longer accessible.”

I suspect him having the guns was a bigger problem than her not having the guns.

This is where it kind of becomes the same thing... I doubt that Tausha Haight would have been able to kill her husband nearly as easily as he was able to kill her.

This is not about women being more tender or gentle or timid, but one thing that happens in our social conditioning is that it is much easier for a man to view his wife and children as his property and his by right than it is for a woman to believe that.

It is easier to kill property than people.

One of the more enlightening Twitter accounts can be found at https://twitter.com/ask_aubry. She pulls news stories and items from forums and dating sites, but also she will frequently get text or message threads and post them, removing the names.

With horrifying frequency you will see threads where a man initiates contact with a woman, is being all friendly and supportive, and then, as soon as he deems that there is not an appropriate response, lets loose a string of abuse. 

Now, you might think that inappropriate response would be a "No." Sometimes it is, but also sometimes it is just not being available at the requested time and suggesting a later date. Sometimes it is simply not responding within the desired time frame. The scariest of those was someone adding that he knew she was not driving when she got the text, because it only takes her so many minutes to get home, even if she does have to wait for the light.

Often thrown in with all of the profane insults is something about being just like all the others. Many posts seem to demonstrate a belief that women are like video games with cheat codes; if you go through the proper steps you should be able to get one, regardless of her interests. That makes it horribly unfair when the process fails, and it justifies hate.

No, they are not all going to turn homicidal. Sometimes it's just that they won't take her needs seriously, or that all of the domestic chores are women's work (from which she never gets time off). Often it is a benevolent sexism where there is a pedestal and talk about "marrying up", but none of it is as valuable as being able to be recognized for the full person that she is.

And then, when masculinity requires that he can't lose to her, yeah, sometimes they get violent and it's not always easy to predict.

Except when you're leaving, that is when the danger is highest; that is pretty well-established. The murderer had recently received divorce papers.

Also, him taking all of the guns is a red flag, but often the only route to safety is disappearing, uprooting everything in your life. That's hard enough for one person, and with five children would be almost impossible.

What we really need is a change in thinking.

Years ago I read a book, Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny by Kate Manne. She focused a lot on definitions, and the end result seemed to be that men feel women should be available to them, even if it's just a matter of smiling on command. There can be exceptions if the woman is property of some other man -- that's why if a man is being creepy to one woman and finds out she is married, he will apologize to her husband -- but overall, women should be at men's disposal.

Which can also result in being perceived as disposable.

This is not good for men either. As part of dominator culture it means that they are in competition with other men, when it would be unity and cooperation that would get us back to God.

It can be a barrier to depth in relationships, when the woman is perceived as an object instead of an equal subject.

Quite frankly, it also allows men to remain mediocre, which interferes with the purpose of this life, but it sure gets resented when they start feeling that pressure of having to be more.

So no, they don't always kill, but that happens often enough that we should think about getting over the shock and eradicating the root cause.

 

ETA: Linking to this post from DesignMom who adds some insight, and also references Kate Manne:

https://designmom.substack.com/p/he-murdered-his-whole-family-who

Gifts to help: Different Witnesses

Okay, maybe I do want one post to focus on the Spirit.

It came from something in my scripture study, in the January 1995 Ensign.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1999/01/living-a-christ-centered-life?lang=eng 

That article is lengthy, but under the (lengthy) section "Developing Faith in Christ" it mentions an elder who was praying to make sure he had a testimony of Joseph Smith and the Restoration. He was testifying of it and encouraging others to pray for their own witness, and he wondered if that weren't hypocritical. 

The elder was discouraged that after a month he had felt nothing. He kept praying, especially hoping for an answer before they taught a new family, and still had nothing as the appointment started and he began to recount the First Vision.

"As the elder reached the point in the story where the Father introduced the Son... a warm feeling began to envelop him, starting in the deep recesses of his soul. Within moments, it had filled his entire being, and he began to cry. He dropped his head in embarrassment. Why was he crying? What were these feelings? He had never felt them before. The feelings were sweet and penetrated his very being. As thoughts rushed through his mind, he realized that he knew... he looked up at the father and mother. Tears were streaming down their faces! They were feeling the same powerful influence of the Spirit that he was feeling. He looked at the children. They, too, had tears in their eyes. The Spirit had borne witness to them of the truthfulness of his words. He continued the story and finished with a humble witness that the Father and the Son had appeared to the boy Joseph...

I thought of how efficient Heavenly Father is. The father, the mother, the nine children, and the young missionary were all converted that evening. Twelve were converted that night, whereas only one would have been converted the night before."

This reminded me of my own experience praying for a witness at the Missionary Training Center. We were challenged to do that, which makes sense. Your being there should indicate that you believe, but it's not a given.

For me, I didn't remember ever not believing, so it felt weird, but I did it anyway. I remember specifically getting answers on the Atonement and on Joseph Smith, but they came during hymns a bit after the prayers, and they spoke to me on an emotional level. I felt how much I cared, and that was my confirmation that I knew it was true.

And that was the confirmation: not just that it was true, but that I knew. That was important, because it reassured me that my believing I knew was correct. I had not been fooling myself all this time, or being too casual about it.

There was another witness there where I don't completely understand why it came the way it did.

We had general authorities speak to us on Tuesday nights. There was one (I believe it was Elder Rojas), where I heard a voice tell me as he was speaking that "He knows."

That seemed odd, rather than saying that "It's true," except that I still remember it so clearly, after all these years. I remember hearing him speak in another conference, but he did not become a significant presence in my life. I nonetheless knew in that moment that his witness was sure.

I have reflected before on how the different times that Jesus healed the blind in the scriptures have different methods, and concluded that they learned different things from their healings; their blessings were individualized for them.

It is logical to me that when we feel the Spirit in different ways -- not just individuals having different experiences, but different times being unique, individual experiences -- that there may be reasons for that. 

When I got confirmation to go on a mission, I had never felt anything like that. Realistically, as against it as I had been, and given the obstacles in the way, it probably required that strong a witness. Other things have been able to be quieter and have also worked.

One point here is that there may be more to your answers than the answer itself, and it is worth reflecting on that, not just to see if there is more to extract, but because it is a special thing to receive confirmation and inspiration and moments of knowing. We should ponder those.

The other point is the reminder that we are known. We may be in a crowd, but we are still one in a crowd, and recognized and loved.

The thing I missed about the First Vision, until it was pointed out, was that the first thing said to Joseph was his name. 

You are known.

Christmas Gifts: Knowledge

I thought I would do one post on how grateful I am for the Spirit. That is a big one, not only for the things I know through the Spirit, but also for the comfort.

I could probably spend a whole post on that, but then I started thinking about other things that I do know or feel because of the Spirit. I might sense some of them without having been raised in the church, but others I would not.

So I am grateful to have a Father in Heaven and a Heavenly Mother as well. I know sometimes having difficult parents on Earth makes it hard for people to build relationships with their parents in Heaven.

I can't say there are no issues there, yet I do have that sense of parental love and being watched over. I can see many times when that love has been communicated; communicated often enough to compensate for my difficulty in accepting it. For that I am very grateful.

I am also grateful for the Atonement and the brother who not only loved us enough to do it, but was also able to do it. I don't know that I am am always weighed down with a sense of sin or death, but when those are felt, they can hit hard; I know that those burdens can be lifted.

Believing in the importance of ordinances would be awful without knowing about temples, but we do.

I am also very grateful for being raised believing the Word of Wisdom. 

It is too easy to look around at some of my own issues (and some of the issues with family members) and be very pessimistic that if I had started drinking or using drugs that I could ever stop. Truthfully, other people do amazing jobs of not making those things look tempting, but if you start young enough you may not notice that.

I am better off this way.

No matter how much frustration I have with the way we view chastity through a patriarchal lens, I nonetheless can see that with my sensual nature and my difficulty in feeling loved by people or feeling at all attractive, it would have been easy to make a lot of choices that would be regretted (and would not have fixed the deficit in feeling loved or attractive).

I am grateful for being raised with that belief.

I am grateful for prayer and scriptures. 

I am grateful for the growth I have experienced through church callings.

Finally, I have known many wonderful people through church and had good experiences. 

If that part is a little shaky now, it is only that too many of us have allowed divisiveness and judgment to dull our sense of love, despite multiple scriptures telling us that is the most important thing.

I know it is not too late.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Gifts: The Temple

I remember once saying that I did not so much like going to the temple as having gone to the temple. 

It is a significant time investment. When you don't have enough time, you feel that. I don't dislike being there, but at least for me it is more about what is accomplished there than the experience of accomplishing it.

I still believe in the importance of that work with my whole heart.

All four of my grandparents were dead before I was born, but I have felt that pull to them and the generations beyond them.

I submitted my first names to the temple when I was in junior high, and I think another two batches before I was out of college. 

When I say I felt a "pull"... it was not just that I could feel caring about them, but I have felt them reaching out to me, asking for their work done. When I would remember things, or I would suddenly get more names from a relative outside of the church -- sometimes ones I had never even known existed -- then I knew that they wanted their work done, and they were providing a way.

I could never not believe that those ordinances are true and important.

In the temple, I have felt that whatever my life was lacking, what I did there had value, and that it was enough.

In the temple, I have felt a happiness that was not my own, but it made me happy to feel their happiness.

I have felt reassurances there, and seen that I was remembered. 

When I was younger, it seemed like I could never go to the temple without finding someone I knew there. That doesn't happen so much now, but it is still a place of connection. 

This is a short one, so I will add one other thought. 

I have said that currently I am reading old conference talks. I just finished April 1990.

I never watched conference then, though I read the church magazines somewhat reliably. That changed shortly after I graduated from high school in June of 1990. Going to a singles ward and going off to college got me more diligent, apparently. I remember loving all of the leaders and knowing the names and faces of the First Presidency and the apostles by the time I was on my mission.

Approaching the October 1990 conference (and seeing some things that aren't so great along the way), I have been wondering how these talks that I know I watched and felt good about will feel. There has been some trepidation.

Then I remembered that I grew to appreciate Brigham Young more after coming to terms with him being racist. 

We have to let people have their imperfections.

It will be okay.

Christmas Gifts: My mission

For these posts, the "gifts" sounds like they are focused on gratitude, but they are also a way of affirming my testimony. Maybe that is my gift to readers, or just that I am grateful for my testimony.

I am grateful for my mission, and know that it was the right thing to do. for which I am also grateful.

That is impressive if we remember this post:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2016/12/sharing-that-i-cant-share.html 

That post is a week shy of being six years old. A lot has happened, but it is still an accurate summary of my feelings. I cannot do missionary work the way things currently are; but at one time it was absolutely what I needed and wanted to do.

Of course I learned and grew a lot on it. Some of that was very painful, and I understand much of it better now. 

Speaking of the passage of time, I am coming up on the 30th anniversary of my departure. That is a lot of water under the bridge, yet some things still feel so close. There are some expressions that are still more natural to me in Lao than in English. 

For gratitude, obviously I am grateful for what I learned. 

I am grateful for the people. I was not really able to maintain the majority of those relationships, but the love was real and I still feel that warmth.

(Not knowing how many of them voted for Trump helps.)

I am also grateful for how clearly I knew that I needed to go.

I had a testimony before, and felt the Spirit in various ways, but I'd never had that "burning in my bosom". 

The process of me being called to go -- when I had never wanted to -- included strong circumstantial hints that I tried to ignore, actually heard words, and then feeling like my whole being was full of fire and light. 

Given my initial attitude, that clarity was probably necessary, but it was also amazing to experience and know. Then, in the process of serving there was so much guidance, and inspiration. A mission is not the only experience where you can have that kind of link, but given the focus, serving as a missionary may invite the Spirit more than most other things you can do.

I remember navigating once when we did not have the full address or the map, but it felt important to go and it actually did end up mattering that we made it. 

I remember translating for Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin in a stake conference, and the words literally flowed through me without any thought. 

I remember knowing the right things to say sometimes that were beyond my own knowledge and language ability.

Of course I have a hard time with the way things are now, but it doesn't change the reality of what was.

Not too long ago I was reading my patriarchal blessing, and it mentioned bringing people into the Kingdom; it said "Kingdom" and not "Church". If I help people with other parts of their journey, maybe that is okay.

Otherwise, I feel like a lot of my path now is calling members to repentance (perfecting the Saints). Am I doing enough with this blog? With my callings and ministering? Well, I try; but I may not have that same clarity all the time now.

I do know that people matter, and I hope that my life reflects that.

Christmas Gifts: Examples of indeterminate quality

I worry sometimes that I sound more negative than I am.

Well, I am pretty negative, but that doesn't change my faith. I understand that it is possible to start losing sight of the good and feel like you are drowning in bad. 

I don't want to lose faith myself, but I also don't think that is likely. I know what my feelings are and what I do to maintain them and my reasons for staying.

I also don't want to be a harmful influence on anyone else, and I have a lot less knowledge about the possibilities there.

Based on my experience, people who stop going to church generally have many reasons; it isn't necessarily likely that I would tip the balance. It is also very important to me that what I do is good, and that it helps instead of hurts.

This is my long way of saying that I want to spend a few posts on things that I am grateful for and things that I know are true.

I will start with the one that might sound the most negative, and yet it isn't.

We have covered before that I both believe Brigham Young was a prophet and that he was racist. 

Also already covered: that God accepts the work and service and attempts of imperfect people, for which we should all be grateful. 

At some point after my talk -- where I had brought up a Brigham Young quote, but also where I have been seeing other things he said -- my testimony of him as a prophet grew stronger. It actually required making peace with him being racist, rather than trying to gloss it over or ignore it.

And you know, I am sure he is not racist now, that he has learned. That doesn't take away from real harm being done because of it, but deeply imperfect people can continue to grow, and sometimes that growth might be easier after the perspective that comes with death and getting away from all the things that society does. It's better to get over those things here, but the odds of perfection being achieved during mortality are low, based on everything we know.

With this also being the Old Testament study year, I have been able to think of some other examples of prophets who were imperfect, and yet they were still prophets.

(Let me just add from the New Testament that I believe Paul was a strong and inspired man who was also a chauvinist and a crank.)

So let us remember that Jonah was disobedient, not just refusing to serve as directed but actually trying to run away from it. Then he was irritated and petty that his work was accepted and Nineveh repented, and that his gourd died. He must have preached powerfully given his impact on the Ninevites, but he clearly had some issues. He was clearly still a prophet.

(Obviously all of these examples are going to take the scriptures at face value.)

Balaam was a prophet, yet he still wanted those riches and tried to ignore not only his inner voice but his donkey's actions.Nonetheless, he was still a prophet, and at least at that point he only blessed Israel. Then greed won and he gave Balak a loophole, which caused much damage and makes Balaam our worst example. However, the person who did all that was still capable of receiving revelation.

Often, people in the Old Testament are pretty horrible, which made it easier to think of this, but my thoughts really started with Noah and the story of him getting drunk after the flood. 

Now, the footnotes say he was not drunk but overcome by the Spirit. That could be true, but getting drunk would be a very human.

We mainly associate Noah with the ark and the lives saved that way, but he was trying to save more lives with his preaching. He faced rejection for years. Having been a missionary, you can still really care about people who don't accept your message. 

They all died.

It is easy to imagine horrible trauma, and wine was not forbidden them. It would be easy to just keep drinking, and that would not make him not a prophet.

I think a mistake we often make is to consider some kinds of sins (especially the sex and drugs ones) as somehow much worse than others, where only really bad people will do them. Lots of very kind people with great integrity will do very human things that they do not happen to believe are sin, or at least very bad sins.

Ultimately, we should all be loving and helping each other. 

That does not mean being silent in the face of bad doctrine or accepting bigotry, but it doesn't have to mean that we hate them, either, or don't consider them capable of any other good.

It's a difficult balance, and I am not sure I always handle it right myself, but I will continue to try, in my own manner of imperfect but willing.