Processing a loss

The first thing I need to note is that I have not ruled out doing a multi-part series on a different Joy Harjo poem, "For Calling the Spirit Back from Wandering the Earth in its Human Feet." 

Harjo has multiple poems that I have found extremely helpful and moving. 

In "Washing My Mother's Body", she was not able to do so physically, so she goes back in mind and imagines the process. 

The poem had made me feel that there would be something lost if I was not able to do wash and dress my mother's body. I worked out that other things mattered more, but was there still something to learn about her mental process?

She starts that she is doing it because of 

          "what needs to be fixed
 so that my spirit can move on

                So that the children
                  and grandchildren
       are not caught in a know of regret they do not understand."

Perhaps the first important thing is that this does appear to be for the living.

Then the memories start to come. 

They come from physical objects, like using a pan that her mother used for washing babies, now to wash her mother with the care that you would give an infant.

There are memories of the dresses. Her mother bought a lot of them, but that was because as a child she only had one dress that she had to wash out each night.

Had she always realized that was the case, and was remembering it once more? Or had some truths just started to become clear?

There is another pot there, that had come from her mother's mother. Generations are connected in legacy.

That includes Harjo's memories of raising her children. 

There are memories of things that could be trivial, like her mother being shuffleboard queen at a local bar.

There are more serious memories, like a scar that happened when her mother was burned at work because her boss wouldn't listen.

There were memories of how hard she worked for her children.

      "The story is
      all there,
      in her body,
      as I wash her 
      to prepare her..."

She finishes the washing and brushes her mother's hair, kisses her forehead, and is wishing her off on her journey. Commending her to angels, she remembers a last bit of her favorite perfume. 

So many little things come back and seem so important. 

   "and then I let her go."

On the other blog I have been writing about these songs I have put together and how they relate to my mother's life and our relationship. 

I did have a very long journal session writing about her life, but then I would write about the songs -- first in the journal, then in the blog -- going over the details again and again.

In fact, I did make connections I had not realized before, including similarities we have that I might not have realized.

I don't want to be caught in regret. 

I have tried to live in a way that would not lead to lots of regrets, but under examination things can come together or fall apart. 

Things have been coming together. 

We can bury or burn our dead (there are additional options now). 

We can try burying our feelings or burning relationships. That can be harder to successfully pull off.

A final beautiful reminder from going over the poem again is that its okay if you didn't do it at the time. You can still go back to remember and release.

Or my way; trying to have it all done in advance.

There's still another step, I think, which will be drafting an obituary for her. 

Two visits ago, it felt like a real possibility that I might not see her again. Then I saw her yesterday and I am pretty sure there will be another visit. 

I have to assume when it is the last visit that I will not know, but that's true most of the time.

Tell people you love them. Live with openness and integrity. 

Don't stay caught in knots of regret.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2026/01/the-high-cost-of-dying-part-3.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2026/02/january-daily-songs.html 

The times, they are a-changin'

This is still about death, though differently. 

(Also -- spoiler alert -- I am pretty sure there will be another post about grief.)

As part of the cost-of-dying posts, I had mentioned various traditions, with some thoughts about where they come from and whether they still serve.

Once upon a time it was very normal that people would place obituaries in the newspaper. 

They would also put wedding announcements with pictures, and sometimes even anniversary announcements. 

As a child I did not look at the obituaries much, but I remembered looking at the brides to see if there was anyone we knew, and if the dresses were nice... things like that. 

I did not realize that these were paid, like want ads and personals; it was just how things were done.

Of course, at the time we were also getting a daily newspaper in print. When that stopped, I missed the comics and crosswords more than I missed the wedding announcements. 

One thing with the obituaries is that if it was someone I knew, I wanted to know that it happened and how and details about their life. When I did look, it was mostly strangers.

It wasn't particularly efficient for keeping tabs on people that you knew but with whom you did not regularly cross paths. 

Social media is more efficient.

It still has drawbacks. Some people don't get on much or post much. There are things about how the algorithm pushes the feeds where a lot of people find it alienating. Still, I know more about people with it than without it, and I do like and care about people.

When my mother dies, I am going to post an obituary on her Facebook page. 

She has one. It was something that I thought could be kind of therapeutic in the early days of the onset of her dementia. It didn't work out. However, we have enough friends in common -- and maybe I should tag my siblings and self -- that it will get the word out to some. 

I've mentioned already that there is a plan for contacting various friends and relatives directly, but for the general news, I think that's a reasonable way of doing it.

Most funeral homes have online obituaries now, though there is a cost for that too. (There is also a cost for CaringBridge for updates on illnesses. I guess it makes sense but I don't like that.) 

I believe the newspapers still post obituaries, though I suspect the reach is much lower.

For our circumstances, I think Facebook is the best source for a general notification. The personal notifications will include phone calls, e-mail messages, Facebook direct messages, texts, and maybe even the regular post. Those are all based on how often we communicate with the people involved and how we normally communicate, but also how much of a blow it will be so how much cushioning it will need.

That list includes neighbors where I could easily run across the street, but I am assuming I will be falling apart and won't want to carry that outdoors.

That is connecting to others on a very specific subject, but a lot of different types of relationships and methods of communication come into play.

My main point is that things don't happen the way they used to, so I can't simply follow old patterns.

Some of these ways may even be better, but it takes thinking about it to find how to go forward. 

The high cost of dying, part 3

Money is a factor in this one, but it is really more about an emotional cost. 

What I worried about most was dressing.

You can have them pick up a body at the place of death and then cremate as is.

You can also have the funeral home clean and dress the body, or even do makeup, though that is normally only if there is an open casket funeral.

The itemized charge for that is $425.

When I was growing up, it was not uncommon that women from church would dress the dead. One of my mother's friends did and Mom really admired that. 

That friend has been dead for many years.

Talking to people now, everyone seems to just have the funeral home do any dressing. The people I have talked to are also not people who would be daunted by an extra $425. 

Paying for that service was not practical for us. One way people avoid it is by doing it themselves before the body has been picked up. I did look into that, but the information I could find recommends having multiple people and I just could not feel like it would work.

Okay, so we just dump her into the fire? That didn't feel right. 

Most of my frantic state was about that. 

I was trying to figure it out with a combination of researching what one hospice site says as well as re-reading a poem by Joy Harjo, "Washing My Mother's Body: A Ceremony for Grief." 

I was leaning toward it not really being a possibility, and feeling bad about that, but there were ultimately two things that really helped that came from conversations with friends.

The first was one woman telling me that whatever I did would be enough. I could not feel that was true right away.

The other was another friend reminding me that those practices are for the living.

Going over those traditions and where they come from, I believe many of them are more about accepting the reality of the death, physically viewing the body, wearing reminders of it, and meeting in community to commemorate it.

I really enjoy the Lore Olympus comic series. There is a scene where Persephone is trying to give some money to souls stranded on the shore who don't have the coins to pay Charon to ferry them over. There are so many that it starts a riot. 

We could have a very interesting discussion about funerary beliefs and customs for different cultures, but ultimately I don't believe that there is anything we can do to damage someone's transition into the afterlife. Whether they are incinerated and buried under the World Trade Center or lost at sea or hidden in a dump by a serial killer or controlling husband, that does not impede their journey after.

Sure, there might be more confusion or resentment because of the manner of death, but those issues do not depend on burial rites. Our power to damage others is limited to life, and there are opportunities for healing after that.

What matters is my care for my mother now, and before, and leading on right through the moment of her death. She would not want me to be frantic about this.

That will be enough, I can know that, and that is a blessing.

That doesn't mean I have become completely calm. I still want to have an obituary done soon, because I would have a harder time writing it after. I have asked questions about what to do with her things and am figuring that out. 

I'm still me.

But it is better. 

The high cost of dying, part 2

I am giddy to be able to tell you that we will not have to pay extra for body transport if our mother dies on a weekend.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2026/01/the-high-cost-of-dying-part-1.html 

The weekend surcharge is only for memorial services or things like that. 

That was a huge relief.

This is not the issue that I was agonizing over, but it was worrying me. There are some things that I have learned after talking to the funeral home and other thoughts where I realized I needed to write more on the money part. What was bothering me was probably more emotional, but money is real. 

With this post and one more, I think I can cover all of that.

I should note that I have been a little scary for people asking me about it. I know I have sounded a bit frantic. I could feel it happening at the time, but I couldn't change it either.

I am starting to get better.

For the eminently practical, you really should call the funeral home rather than going through the price list. The itemized price list is something required by state law, but generally things are going in bundles.

The bundle we are looking at is Direct Flame Creation, for $1250. There are additional charges if you want a casket, whether you provide your own casket or get one from the home, and if the deceased weighs more than 300 pounds (our mother does not). If you want funeral services of some kind, then that's a different bundle.

Even though this particular bundle mentions some paperwork, it does not include getting a death certificate. Asking about that, it looks like our full amount will be $1305. I also believe that we will be okay with one death certificate, which is not always the case, but they were pretty helpful on that question.

I would still not be completely surprised if there is something else, but after the conversation it feels pretty complete.

Does that level of detail seem kind of crass? In poor taste? (Imagine adding some "yo' mamma" jokes regarding the weight limit!)

A lot of our social conditioning has taught us not to talk about money. Whether that's because you find it embarrassing to admit that some things are a problem or because it feels like bragging, where it really works best is for people who have ridiculous amounts of money and are still cheap. 

That doesn't really benefit most of us.

I do still recommend looking over the itemized list because it reminds you of things that you might not think about, like that paperwork does not give you a copy of the death certificate. You will need an actual certificate -- not a photocopy -- for things like insurance policies or closing bank accounts or pensions, where you would be receiving money instead of paying it.

One thing that was helpful for me was remembering that if we wanted to hold a service, that would not have to cost anything. In our church you don't have to pay for using the building or having a church leader conduct the service. If you want the body there, that would involve transport, so there could be additional charges, but not as much as for other churches.

We also have a tradition of luncheons afterward, with a pretty set menu and people signing up to help with that. I have bought hams for other people's funerals, but we were more impressed with the friend who arranged for catering from his favorite barbecue place. Obviously, they could afford that. 

Regardless, with our decision not to have a funeral, that was never a concern about expenses. 

Money is a concern, but it is tied with concerns about how it will feel and how we will cope and what pays adequate respect.

How do we get that right?

With the traditions, what do they serve?

If you have a lot of people coming into town and they are going to feel sad, having other people who care but are not as directly affected feed them has a certain practical nature to it.

On Queen Sugar, Charlie offered to hire people to cook and serve for their father's funeral repast, but Nova got really angry because preparing food for and serving their friends was part of the tradition and how you grieved and provided comfort.

That sounds like a good tradition, but was some of it also possibly resentment that Charlie had a lot of money and could make that offer too easily, without sacrifice?

Feelings are real. They can be hard.

And if a big part of your efforts are trying to hard to get everything right so it will go smoothly and everyone will be okay... well, you probably need to adjust your expectations.

Hypothetically. 

The high cost of dying, part 1

My topics have been more spiritual lately, but this did start as a preparedness blog. Sometimes preparedness is very physical and tangible.

I am still thinking about death.

This is also very financial; I can't help but see how much money affects the end of life.

First of all, let me just put a price list here:

https://fh-content.s3.amazonaws.com/release/Content/Media/ThreadgillsMemorialServices/TMS%20GPL%202025.pdf 

This is for Threadgill Memorial. I know multiple people who have worked with them and everyone says they are wonderful.

I linked directly to the PDF because it can take a bit of navigation to get to the cash amounts. This is where I'm getting hung up.

It sucks to have to be worrying about money when you are in the middle of grieving. 

Money is also a real thing, and it can be hard to avoid it.

Hearing other people's experiences, even when there were prepaid plans there were always additional charges.

I understand that better now after studying the list.

A big factor is transportation. It changes based on mileage, and based on timing.

My mother is in hospice, so I am pretty confident of the physical location where she will die and from which she will need to be transported. 

If a relatively healthy person had a plan but died in an accident away from home, that could add mileage that would need to be taken into account. 

Even an ailing person might transfer between home and a hospital and a convalescent facility. Depending on when the plan was made, the facility chosen was probably close to home, but may not be close to the place of death.

What might just be a $4.00 per mile charge for a longer route than expected becomes thousands of dollars when there are transfers between funeral homes. 

Also note there is a $480 service charge if this is happening on a weekend or federal holiday. I have been assuming that is for transportation, but it's under miscellaneous so could be for services. I should call and ask, but I can tell you that since I saw that I have been worrying that Mom might die on a weekend.

There are things you can plan for, like pacemaker removal or organ donation costs; you might have a hard time predicting the contagious disease fee.

As it is, based on the costs for my father (who was found on a Friday night), these prices do not seem outrageous. 

Everything that gets done gets done by people. They deserve to be paid for what they do, which is important work that not everyone is equipped to do. Because of its time-sensitive nature, they cannot always have regular hours. I get all of that and I don't object.

But if you don't have it...

There is another issue that is even more emotional, though still very much a financial one. I am trying to figure that one out even as a timer with an unknown amount keeps ticking. 

I hope to be able to write about that with more assurance next week.

For now, I encourage you to take a look and think about what you might want, for yourself and for those you care about. Get an idea of rough costs.

If you do decide to pay for a plan in advance, there should be a cushion for the unexpected costs. 

Those are sure to happen, even if right now it is impossible to have any idea of how. 

Resolution lab

Since last week was about adapting plans and getting guidance -- and since it is a brand new year -- maybe this is a good time to talk about resolutions.

Too late? Not for me. 

Having my birthday so close to the start of the year makes that first two and a half weeks kind of an extended goal-setting period for me. Your birthday is probably not as close, but I invite you along.

After all, if you can only set new goals once a year, that is severely limiting.

I had recently seen some conversation about positive and fun goals, like trying to eat every pasta shape over the course of the year, or when someone says "We should get together!" scheduling it then.

That was a good reminder that often when people are thinking about resolutions they are only considering fixing what is wrong with them.

I did already kind of have that in mind because I was thinking about potential Relief Society activities. I thought a resolution lab could be a good one. (My calling it a lab is definitely school-related.)

These are the questions I had come up with, and then we could work through them:

• What is something I don't know much about?
• What could I teach a class on?
• What is something that frustrates me?
• What brings me joy?
• What makes me feel guilty?
• What would help my health?
• What takes the biggest toll on my time?
• What takes the biggest toll on my moods?

It starts off with the idea that learning can be fun, so deciding to read some book or take a class could be great. 

The second question was largely a way to get ideas for even more activities and who could help with them. That being said, if you know a lot about something or have some expertise, maybe you could do something more with it that would be fun or meaningful or satisfying.

With the other questions, there may be a need for self-improvement, but there could also be realizations on how to make your life easier. Maybe this household chore piles up and becomes a big deal, but I can make a routine out of it that will reduce frustration. Or maybe we could afford to hire someone to clean, because with all of the other things I have to do that is not the best use of my time.

There can still be guilt about making a decision like that, but ideally as life does get easier that can assuage the guilt.

One thing I believe deeply is that life is hard enough.

With the Saturday travel blog, I currently have material to write about that will get me into March. I do think about that, but also, we like doing things and seeing new things, and we don't want to feel that we are wasting our weekends.

Sometimes we are just too tired. It is okay to take a week off. Plus, running errands and cleaning things is not really "off", but there are ways in which it is less impressive.

The point is that it is easy to have unreasonable expectations. We are older, and there are a lot of emotions related to our mother's condition.

Lately, I wake up feeling so tired that it almost feels like I am sick. I am calling this "profoundly" tired, because there is a depth to it that one good night's sleep or a low-key day won't fix.

That is not a moral failing. Frittering my time away on things that aren't important and thus getting to bed later than is wise does feel like a moral failing, except there are reasons for it.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/09/my-thorn.html   

There are goals, but there is also some moderation and understanding for them, even understanding for me.

Yesterday I got more done than I did the day before. I could still do better, and I will.

What I will not do is spend a lot of time self-flagellating for what did not get done. In fact, Friday was quite a busy day; things that were important and refreshing did get done. That is still true even as it is true that I also spent time playing games and watching videos.

What I am working toward for this year is that I am going to go to bed early enough that I can get ten hours of sleep per night. I may end up waking up earlier, and that is perfectly fine, but I need to try and resolve this sleep deficit, which will be good for my health. 

Doing so (while continuing to give attention to school and church callings and family and friends) will require not falling into these time sinks. This week I am going to have a session of each one where I go through it, thinking about what I like about it and don't like about it. I hope that will help me not fall.

It is likely to require adjustments, but that's okay. 

Adapting plans

Last week was about gradually increasing understanding of how things go together. 

That was about a general understanding, but the way things come together -- so what order the different pieces come in and when they come and how -- is very individual.

Even more individual is that personal understanding of what you specifically need and how to do it.

More than five years ago I started a goal to read through all of the General Conference talks. It took a restart and working out a system, but I finally finished that last month.

About a year into it, I started reading Ensign issues, which has now covered 1986 through 2001. 

Those were not done sequentially as much as trying to coordinate with the area of Sunday school study for that year. (For example, this year was the Doctrine and Covenants, which meant 1989, 1994, 1998, and 2001, but there was stronger correlation in some years than others.) It did not mean reading the whole issue; I specifically looked for articles that would be good for scriptural and doctrinal understanding, but also kind of went by what sounded interesting.

I ended up having my conference talk reading Monday through Friday, then on Saturdays I would read old Ensign issues. 

Much more recently I started singing a hymn daily. I look up the scripture references and who wrote the music and lyrics and I practice leading it for at least one verse, but sing or listen to all of the verses.

On Sundays I also try and read the material for the next week's Sunday School lesson. I want to stay connected with the curriculum, even though I have my own things that I feel a need to do.

That may sound like a lot, but it took a while to take shape and became manageable. When I was looking at it from various starting points, things didn't seem so possible. Then, I would figure out what worked, and it would take on a rhythm. They have all become rewarding -- with some nuisances too -- and I have grown.

One thing I had to figure out along the way was what to do with new conferences. I am now on my third read-through of the October 2025 conference. Yes, that feels like overkill.

It was navigating that space between systems. As new conferences happened, I would read the whole session in a week, so quickly (kind of taking the place of viewing, which I have not been doing lately). Then, when I came to it in the order of the reading, I would go through it again at the normal speed, which was about half a session per day.

Now that this particular project is over, maintaining (at least for now) on upcoming conferences will be one fast read through and then one talk per day until all of the talks have been read. The way the timing worked, October 2025 is unique in getting all three ways, plus some talks will get additional review for lessons. 

I sang the last of the Christmas hymns yesterday, but I still have over a hundred hymns left. I don't know for sure what will happen next. For now, singing for Mom frequently and studying more about singing and music... that could lead somewhere interesting too. If so, it will happen in due time.

I had wanted to go through the conference talks for a while before I tried. I have also wanted to go through the institute manuals for the standard works. I thought that would happen next, and thought it was perfect that I would be starting that on the Old Testament. That is very sequentially sound.

I can't do it. Not yet.

I am sure some of that is that the Old Testament is so long; it would be a hard entry point, especially with my tradition of false starts. It took a while to work that out. 

Because I finished the conference talks in November, I had to do something for December. I had thought about starting the Old Testament early because there is so much of it, but I really wanted to focus on Christ. (Yes, much of the Old Testament is about Him too. I know.)

At first I thought I was going to read the entire New Testament before the end of the year. Reading the Gospels definitely felt right, and I wanted to read Revelation, but I wasn't sure about the epistles (or Acts). There was some thought that it was a long time before I would get to the other books as well.

That project changed to reading the four Gospels, then going to Helaman and reading from Samuel the Lamanite through to the end of Third Nephi (I am currently in Third Nephi), then reading Revelation. Okay, I have the mortal ministry from the Bible, then prophesies and destruction and the Resurrected Christ coming and teaching, followed by peace and falling away from the Book of Mormon, and then I have more apostasy and destruction but with a triumphant return back in the Bible. That sounded right for Christmas and the end of the year.

Somewhere in there, I realized what I need to do for next year is read all of the standard works. I have done that in a year before, when I was preparing for my mission. That was sequentially, but this time I am going to read them together. Each week will contain readings from the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine and Covenants, with the Pearl of Great Price interspersed as appropriate.

That is a big goal, but then it just felt right. This is what is supposed to come next for me. 

I believe the institute manuals will still happen, quite likely next year. It's just not time for them yet.

Also, I got to where I hated reading a single Ensign on a Sunday, even ignoring some of the articles. I thought maybe I was done with the magazines, but I think I will try and read one issue per week in 2026, following the same formula of choosing what to read, but spreading that reading out across the week. I will start in 1985 and work backwards. (I have considered going forward from 2002 and I am not ready for that yet.)

You probably don't really need to know all of that. I still really like details and knowing thought processes though, so I put them out there. It may still be an unnecessarily long journey to the point, but here we are:

We can be guided in many ways. How much of it is inspiration versus instinct versus self-knowledge gained over experience can be debated, but there are things that work better and worse. We can figure that out and we can have help in doing so.

In terms of the knowledge and understanding that I gain, as well as the inspiration and support, my scripture study is important. Getting guidance on that is appropriate and important, but that process has steps.

It was intimidating enough to think about reading all of the conference talks; if at that time I had also been thinking about church magazines and hymns, I don't know that I could have done it.

That way it has worked out has been orderly and achievable and valuable.

I believe that guidance can be available to anyone. 

That doesn't mean it will come quickly or easily, but you can learn things from the struggles too.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/03/changing-things-up-scripture-study.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/05/a-little-bit-more-on-music.html