Reasons we don't listen

Building on last week, there are a few examples of conversations we try and avoid or prevent. This is to our detriment.

One of the other books read recently was Healing Through the Dark Emotions: the Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair by Miriam Greenspan.

I did not particularly like it, though I agree with many of her basic points. The part that struck me the hardest was an account of her parents and other Holocaust survivors not being able to talk about their experiences. This does not mean not being able to find the words or open their mouths, but their experiences being rejected.

One example was a man who talked about having to lie in his own feces. The psychiatrist who was listening said he had an anal fixation.

One result of Nazis spreading over Europe was that a lot of psychiatrists - many Jewish but not exclusively - came to the United States, and there were many Freudians. That we got them all at a time when people with war trauma and genocide trauma were also coming, and when society was trying to push women who has experienced greater freedom and independence back into tiny boxes... well that was pretty unfortunate, and those effects carried on for years.

(That's not really the point of this post; it just bugs me.)

So, one thing that might prevent us from listening is thinking we know more than the person about their own experience. A developing field of academics that still has a lot to learn could lead to that. Sometimes something is so far out of our experience that we can't grasp it, but that doesn't mean no one has had the experience. It is also common that differing levels of privilege could give one an unacknowledged sense of authority, where interpreting and deciding feels like a right, though it isn't.

It is not even impossible that you actually will know more. Caring for my mother who has dementia, she says things that are wrong a lot. Trying to shut her down and correct her is not helpful. Listening still can be. It may be that behind the false thing is a true thing; it may just be that she needs reassurance. You may be an expert on a relevant topic, but you are still not an expert on that person and their experience.

It is really just better to listen.

Now for a much less high-brow example: soap character Thomas from The Bold and the Beautiful recently fell off a cliff. When it was uncertain whether he would live or even wake up, his father Ridge kept fearing the worst while Ridge's wife Brooke was telling him he couldn't think like that.

We give a lot of credit to positive thinking, but a lot of the books that promote it are pretty hokey, and a lot of the people who swear by it are pretty grumpy. Wouldn't you be if you kept swearing that success was in your hands but you never actually got a firm grasp on it?

In fact, in life terrible things frequently happen - not always for a clear cause and quite often unfair (though Thomas deserved to go off that cliff!) - and refusing to acknowledge the thing you fear most is not a magic incantation that prevents it from happening.

If you go over the actual feared circumstances, there are usually possible solutions. Maybe they are not the ideal, but they are still things that can be done. It can be empowering to have a plan.

• If Thomas dies, we will raise his son.
• If this doctor can't help him, we will bring in a specialist.
• If he has paralysis, we will modify the house to make it accessible, and we will support him.

I suggest that it is more helpful to have fear heard than to shove it down inside. I know it.

Recently I wrote out several negative emotions, but the longest list was fear. Putting them out there I realized that some of the fears were needless. Some things that I was afraid of have moved on to things I am sad about; I could not stop them from happening, but I have survived them. Some fears will be good to think about more, because preparation may be possible. All of that is only possible by facing fear; shutting it down also shuts down comfort and reassurance.

Often we may shut down someone due to our own discomfort.

I hope that the earlier part of this post has resolved one concern: that of not knowing what to say. Allowing them to talk is more important than what you say, and I think we are going to have a couple of posts on listening skills to help with that.

I also hope that a link can be seen, that as you become more comfortable facing your own issues, you will be better able to listen to others. That discomfort may come from a personal insecurity, but it is probably an insecurity that you don't need.

But the final point I want to make on that is that if you can see the feelings of other people as valid, you should be able to see your own feelings as valid too. This means that you may not feel like you can handle being the person who listens in this case, and that's okay.

If that's the way it needs to go, stick with kindness and honesty. Don't try downplaying their fears and concerns, sending a message that they are unimportant. Even when you cannot help, you can avoid causing further harm.

That has value too.