Please don't do this - First Dance Kit

I intended to write about something different today, but then this crossed my timeline:

https://twitter.com/LatterDayLes/status/1177398242998390784/photo/1

This is unusual for me, but I am going to need to use some Caps Lock.

For convenience I will transcribe the offensive flyer. Then you won't have to see the questionable font choices (possibly six different ones used) or the highlighter framing points 2 and 4, which are the most sexist, but that's probably just a coincidence. But I think I will reproduce the italics and bold type. It might be petty of me.

First Dance Kit

1. Get ready for the dance. Paint your nails, wear a little lip gloss and don't forget to brush your teeth!
2. Don't forget what the approved dress standards are when choosing your outfit. You don't want the embarrassment of being asked to go home and change. And you don't want the guy dancing with you to feel uncomfortable because of the questionable outfit that you justified.
3. Go with a friend but don't be joined at the hip. No guy is going to interrupt the highly intense conversation that you seem to be having with your girlfriend every time he walks by you.
4. Never say "NO" to a guy who had the courage to walk over and ask you to dance in the first place. (a song lasts approximately 3 minutes, it's not THAT bad)
5. Know your standards (For the Strength of the Youth)
6. Don't forget your dance card!

Remember who you are and have fun!

My least angry thought is curiosity over whether they actually use dance cards. I suspect they were just looking for a "fun" end note. Do the kids these days even know that used to be a thing? It's been a while.

My second least angry thought comes from Arthur Chu in the Twitter discussion, suggesting that while most dance attendees probably do brush their teeth regularly, the suggestion to do so before the dance (but after dinner) could be helpful. When I was taking ballroom dance in college, I always reapplied deodorant and had a breath mint before I went. It was probably not necessary, but I didn't want to make anybody's experience unpleasant. (And I danced with someone with bad breath once, which really reinforced it.)

Also - regarding the discussion - someone said this was from one ward thirty years ago, but I suspect that was speculation. I never got a handout like this, but the attitude sounds so much like things I hear people saying that I would not be at all surprised if someone handed this out last week. I want to take it in to my Sunday school class next time and make sure no one is trying this with them. It is horrifyingly plausible.

Now, back to the rest of suggestion number one... I don't love it, but that might be a personal thing because I don't wear makeup. Regardless, it seems to be emphasizing the importance of girls being attractive, and having to work at it. That would only irritate me a little bit if it were not immediately followed by the crap that is number 2.

QUIT MAKING YOUNG WOMEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THOUGHTS OF YOUNG MEN!

QUIT EMPHASIZING THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTRACTIVENESS TO YOUNG WOMEN AND THEN WORRYING THEM WITH THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT TEMPTING THE BOYS TOO MUCH!

I'd also like to take a moment to remind everyone that "modest" means not being stuck up or overly concerned with appearance. Turning it into a minefield between the equal failures of not being appealing and being too appealing (sexily!) is not helpful to anyone.

I worry about that more now because members have gotten much stupider about it than when I was a youth. Girls get shamed now for shorts that are just above the knee instead of just below, or sleeves that don't go past the elbow, and then don't see the hypocrisy in looking down on hijab and burqas.

I get even more worried about it because of number 3, which emphasizes the importance of availability and accessibility to boys over friendship. Way to kill the fun in a night out! This is for a first dance, so the girl is most likely 14 years old; can she be allowed to gradually transition from more interest in friends to more interest in boys? Because if they don't have enough interest in boys to be looking at the boys and quieting down when one approaches, discouraging the conversation may not help.

But 3 is even worse because of being followed by number 4, and this is where the completely fair accusation of  rape culture comes in...

GIRLS ARE NOT A REWARD FOR BOYS!

Telling girls how much a guy deserves credit for paying them any attention - and how it's unfair to say "no" - sets those girls up to accept mistreatment and abuse. Telling them to ignore their instincts when alarm bells are going off - because he was so brave and thoughtful... I need to give you a giant "NO" here. It is that bad.

The other interesting thing from the discussion was that some former young women said this was a rule, and so they would ignore boys who asked instead of actually saying the word. I promise you, that is much worse. I don't recommend teaching anyone to be passive-aggressive, but that workaround is much worse than a simple "No, thank you."

YOU ARE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO SAY "NO"!

Yes, sometimes a young woman's lack of interest in dancing with a certain partner may relate to unkindness and snobbishness. You can teach the problems with that without eroding agency and consent.

Of course, it also makes me wonder if the young men are getting a card to remind them to also ask the homely girls to dance. If she put on lip gloss, she deserves to get asked. It's only for three minutes.

Believe me, I understand that young people are often thoughtless and rude; their minds and personalities are still developing. That is all the more reason that the things we tell them matter.

Many of the things we try to teach young women are sexist and stupid.

Please don't do that.