Healing by listening

On the main blog I regularly mention different reading lists I am working through. I have several going on now.

One of them is focused on death and grief and healing, which are obviously not all the same thing, but they do relate to each other. There is another on gendered violence and sexism. Those two lists collided recently. I guess it started with On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's exploration of end of life issues.

You are probably familiar with the five stages of grief, which has been greatly oversimplified, at least from what is in that book. It is not so much about a linear progression, but that there are common reactions to terminal illness, and they need to be resolved to get to acceptance for a peaceful end of life.

Kübler-Ross had medical students listen to a series of interviews with patients and sometimes their families. The most interesting thing to me was how often a patient or a doctor would think that the interview would have to be short, and then the interview would significantly exceed the projected time. The patients frequently felt better than expected, and wanted to keep talking. I thought it showed a real hunger to be heard.

Some people could not deal with their own death because they had unresolved grief from earlier events and were still stuck there in the past. One man thought his wife looked down on him because of his not being a high earner. Her own words indicated that too, until it was mirrored back to her and she got protective about him, lauding his honesty and kindness. Whatever time they had left, it could be better because of a new perspective they had both been given.

Not long after finishing On Death and Dying, I read To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster. (That was from the gendered violence reading.)

Brewster uses the anchor analogy because it is important that the anchor doesn't chase or try to steer the ship. The anchor is solid, and maintains a line of connection, but the person being abused needs to be in control of her own actions. The abuser has undermined confidence in her ability to choose and succeed, and the well-intentioned rescuer is recreating that dynamic. While that might succeed in getting her away temporarily, she will often go back, whereas when she can make the decision and the plan herself, then she can have the ability to make a lasting change.

It is natural to want to solve a problem that has been set before you, but if the need is being heard and you start talking, you are not solving. It is also common to try downplaying and minimizing things. We may think we are doing it to comfort the person, but it might be more a way of relieving one's own discomfort.

I had this post at twice the length and was still going, so I realize this needs to be multiple posts. The first point, then, is that we can help each other by listening to each other. Simple enough, seemingly, but often failing. The next post will be about listening better.