Principles of Good Communication

Today's post refers to Susan Brewster's book, To Be An Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women.

In Chapter 5: To Act as an Anchor Before She Asks For Help, Brewster gives a list of eight principles, starting on page 112:


Principles of Good Communication

1. Use open body language
2. Be honest with her and yourself
3. Open ears, shut mouth
4. Ask her to clarify what you don't understand
5. Be a mirror
6. Speak only for yourself
7. Share your "secrets" with her
8. Ask open-ended questions

Obviously there was information under each principle.

It could certainly be worthwhile to read the book, but also I know that many of these principles will sound familiar, whether from missionary training or active listening practice in parenting classes. I think I remember learning about "I statements" (part of speaking only for yourself) in health class in 10th grade. I definitely saw a reference to open body language on The Big Bang Theory.

So, it may not be that helpful to go over the different principles.

What sticks out most clearly to me is that it takes humility. You can't assume that you have the answers, or even that it is your job to solve the problem. You can be a listening ear and someone who cares. For someone in an abusive relationship, there very well may be other needs than listening, but for everyone - even people in good relationships - there are probably ways in which it would be very helpful to have someone listen, and let them get these feelings out.

Humility will not cause you to do all of these things automatically, but asking for clarification, listening, speaking only for yourself instead of invoking "everybody"... those are all things that pride will make harder.

Pride can especially make it hard to share your own vulnerabilities and insecurities, but it can be necessary to help others. It can also be necessary for our own growth. It is possible to start trying to change with one particular person in mind, but then find that you are transformed, and that your relationships with other people are transformed.

There is a lot of good that can happen.

The biggest change may be that your conversations consist of more listening, less thinking about what to say next. That can be a great thing.

And, there are limitations too.

In the case of an abusive relationship, Brewster stresses both that you may decide that you cannot fill the anchor role - which can be valid - and also that there may be situations that call for professional psychiatric help. For example, maybe you can help someone decide that she is ready to leave, but to get at why she ended up in that situation in the first place might take counseling.

Realizing that you can't do what someone needs does not mean that you can't be any help to them. Maybe you can help them find a counselor. Maybe you can just affirm that their needs are valid. There are a lot of different ways that things can turn out.

Recently we were studying 1 Corinthians, and it was the first time that I noticed that the chapter on charity comes right after the one on spiritual gifts. Your gifts are only as useful as your desire to help; without that they can even be destructive. With love there can be many qualities and abilities available for help.

I don't want to give a false impression that this is easy, but there should also be hope that it is possible. If the starting place is listening, that's not so bad.