Principles for Being of Help

Chapter 5 of To Be an Anchor in the Storm (by Susan Brewster M.S.S.W.) had principles of good communication, but chapter 6 - To Act as an Anchor When She Comes to You - had another list. I want to go over that to finish with the book.

Principles for Being of Help

1. Believe her
2. Take her abuse seriously
3. Remain neutral, don't take sides
4. Respect her decisions; don't judge her
5. Honor her feelings
6. Don't give advice
7. Control yourself; not her
8. Show her your reality
9. Try to empathize with her while maintaining your objectivity
10. Be a good model; fulfill your own needs
11. Let her know how you can and cannot help
12. Suggest ways of helping her which don't have strings attached

This chapter has longer sections under the different headings so there may be more room for elucidation here, but I don't intend to tell the book.

Part of why I wanted to list the principles out is that there are similar guiding principles to those for communications. There may be a desire to swoop in and fix the problems. There can be a strong desire to tell her what is what because you are so sure of her delusions. Those things that can feel so right and so much easier end up being harmful. Helping someone requires respecting their perspectives and choices, even when you see - completely objectively - that they are wrong.

Remember, this book is about helping women in abusive relationships; that means she already has someone to berate her and dictate her choices. However, in addition to being more gentle and respectful with her, you are also kinder with yourself. 

Look at principles 10 and 11; your needs matter too. Even with 8, you are honest about your own situation so you can let all the pride and strain go, simply accepting what you have and changing it if you need to.

Among many things that annoy me when I read philosophy, the biggest is how works focused on state-building (think Utopia or The Republic) can't handle individuality, as if all order will crumble if people like different things. There is room for our individual wants and needs, and we can uphold those while also respecting the wants and needs of others. That is how we help each others and ourselves.

It seems worthwhile to mention the centrality of agency in our Heavenly Father's plan. It wouldn't work without a Savior, but that happens through love, and not by force. If we take Christ as our example, that's how it has to be.