All coming back

The direction we have been going with these last few posts is getting at a balance between loving and thinking.

It should be obvious to anyone reading a religious blog that we should love each other and want to help each other. 

It may not be as obvious that we can have good intentions and miss pressing needs, and even unintentionally cause harm.

I'm going to tell two more stories centered around celebrities in the hopes that they will be illustrative, even if there are more pressing matters.

Actor Danny Masterson was recently convicted of drugging and raping two women. 

I believe I had heard of a third woman, but it is a pretty safe bet in cases of rape and sexual assault and similar things that whether we are talking about convictions or accusations, that number is low.

Several fellow actors wrote letters of support to the judge in Masterson's case, trying to argue for a more lenient sentence. Among them were Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis:

https://theconversation.com/hollywood-letters-of-support-for-danny-masterson-demonstrate-the-pervasiveness-of-myths-about-rape-culture-213508

The photo that accompanies the article is from their apology letter as they gave into the backlash. 

There were several gross things about their support. For example, they called Masterson an anti-drug role model, ignoring the irony of Masterson drugging his victims. 

In this case, the bigger issues were probably their vocal support of #MeToo and Kutcher's chairman role in Thorn, a purportedly anti-child sex abuse company. He has since stepped down.

Their mistake is really one that's as old as the hills: this person is nice to me, and my friend, and so I will defend them.Obviously their treatment of me makes them a good person!

Except that's not how it works.

I had thought this would be about the tendency to side with those more powerful, but this particular story does seem to be more about personal relationships. Famous people get to know other famous people, but their world may not be especially relevant for our world.

There was a different aspect that struck me, partly because of the other story.

Despite their past association, there had not been much buzz about the Kutchers through the original allegations against Masterson all the way through the conviction. Then, once it came out that they had supported lenience, that started a lot of conversation.

Things that were pointed out:

• Masterson exerted a powerful influence on the set of That 70s Show, largely focused on excluding Topher Grace (who left the cast early, despite being the star, and whose wife posted a statement apparently in favor of the victims).
• Thorn has apparently done more to endanger sex workers than make children safer.
• Kutcher first kissed Kunis when she was 14 and he was 19, on that set. He has also made inappropriate statements about other younger actresses, like a 15 year old at the time Hilary Duff.

It may not have been a set where you would even expect to find safety and respect.

Sometimes we talk about all watching everyone's lives on a big screen at Judgement Day, which sounds remarkably boring. However, I do believe that in addition to our own inescapable awareness of our own lives, good and bad choices both, I also believe we will certainly understand what affected us, in good and bad ways.

The things that were brought up about Ashton Kutcher reminded me of that. I don't know that he intended harm, but he did not try hard enough or care enough to do good. That is a pretty important failure.

That reminds me of the other story:

https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/tv/a45080988/martin-short-comedians-reactions-social-media/ 

A writer wrote a scathing piece about Martin Short, calling is desperately unfunny and annoying. Fans, comedians and Canadians rushed to Short's defense, lauding not only how funny he was (and posting clips to prove it) but also how kind and wonderful he was. Apparently, only one person had anything bad to say about Martin Short, which made it foolish of them to publish it.

Of course, if they were writing about something correct -- even if the rest of the world were wrong -- it would be important to tell that truth, but just being petty can cost you.

Justice is not instant. It's not even particularly fast most of the time. 

However, the deeds that we do and the words that we say have effects. If that seems like I am leaving out thoughts, well, those thoughts are going to create the words and deeds.

So let us work to be informed. Let us work to be kind. 

Let us be valiant.

Then when all deception is gone -- including self-deception -- we will be able to feel good.

Calling 9-1-1

Reading about Kitty Genovese and the creation of 9-1-1 has also had me thinking about the times I have used the service, or not used it, and whether I should have or not.

First of all, I have one good story. It was around 6 AM on a Saturday morning. We were all in bed and then we heard screaming, "Help I've been hit by a car."

I pulled on clothes and headed out while Mom called 9-1-1. 

Just across the street from our cul-de-sac there was a young woman on the ground. She had been out running and struck by a hit and run driver. 

The good part of the story is that many of us responded. 

I don't remember the year, but it was long ago enough that no one had cell phones. I was not the only one who had another household member calling. Someone went to tell the people at her house, and someone was helping her support her head, and I think someone else went to get a coat or a blanket. Really, there was a surplus of responders, but that's better than the other option. 

In No One Helped, an article was cited regarding the various bystander effect studies that showed when the danger level went up, people were more likely to intervene. That was taken as a sign that there was hope for humanity, that we had altruism in addition to apathy. 

I suspect that the real issue is that when the threat is clear, people know that they need to act. 

When you take emergency response training, they always tell you that you don't say "Somebody call 9-1-1!' You point and say "You! Call 9-1-1!" Doubt can really hamper action.

Doubt was also a factor in the other two situations I want to mention.

The first one was also long ago, when I did call because there was smoke next door. Only it wasn't really smoke; it was steam rising from a compost pile. I didn't know, but I should have checked with the neighbors before calling. I didn't know them well so felt awkward, but then I felt really stupid when I found out it was compost steam. Just a little awkward would have been better.

The other time I didn't call. I was downtown and there was a man sleeping on the sidewalk. Yes, we have a large homeless population that has to sleep rough, but normally they hide themselves a bit better. I was worried that it was something medical, and that he needed help. I tried asking him if he needed help, but there was no response. I asked louder; still nothing.

I ultimately left without calling anyone. I did that because he seemed to be exhausted, but not in danger. While emergency response might have helped him, there is also a good chance that they would have hassled him. 

There's no guarantee somebody else wasn't going to hassle him, but it wasn't going to be me.

I am not sure that was the right decision.

There is another situation I have never been in, but if there were someone having a mental health crisis, or not even that but just a person of color, calling 9-1-1 might very well be signing their death warrant.

We sometimes see people use that to their advantage as a scary way of harassing, but there could be times when maybe there could be reason to call, but it is still better not to.

These cases all come down to knowledge. Sometimes it is a matter of asking. "Are you okay?" "Is there something burning in your backyard?"

Sometimes it is a matter of being alert to how things work; racist abuse of power and extrajudicial killing is a thing.

We have all been there, where we heard something that we couldn't tell if it was a kid shrieking in play, or something more serious. Was that a gun or a firecracker? If there is just the one sound and then nothing, it probably doesn't need any action, but what if?

There might be times when it is our duty to find out. 

That girl who was hit, she yelled loud and she kept yelling until several people had come. We knew someone was hit. We may not have known the details, but we went to find out.

Aid or apathy

Back in May I wrote about being affected by one documentary about Kitty Genovese and one article about Prince Harry:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/05/getting-to-two-things-about-grief.html

While those were seemingly disparate topics, they both seemed to be very much about grief. I mentioned at the end that I would read two more books. I wondered if they would also go together, and how much it was in me to just see grief in everything right now.

After reading Spare in August (I also watched their documentary) and No One Helped in September, there is a lot more than grief and they do not particularly go together. 

In the case of No One Helped: Kitty Genovese, New York, and the Myth of Urban Apathy, author Marcia M. Gallo takes more of a sociological approach, and it is for everyone else. There is a mention of the family, but grief requires a more personal relationship. For those outside of her circle of friends, Kitty only became known as a symbol.

Gallo does address the myth, but spends more time on the effects of the myth. 

For the record, the original New York Times story made it sound like 37 people watched the murder happening over a period of time and no one called the police or attempted to intervene. That was never true.

There were some people who heard one thing, but then could not see anything. One person saw something, yelled, and that seemed to interrupt it. There were at least two calls to the police, possibly more. One woman called but was not able to speak when they answered. Records are not always great years later, and it was not a particularly organized system even then.

Perhaps the way the police mentioned it to the editor related to the murderer having two previous victims, one very recent. If they had worked those cases harder, the murderer might never have had a chance to hurt Kitty. There were certainly things they mishandled, including not responding to the calls they did get.

Is it relevant that the other recent victim was a Black woman? Even editor A.M. Rosenthal acknowledged that crimes among Black New York residents did not get much attention. Would the police have tried harder to solve the case if Annie Mae Johnson had been white, or at least wealthy?

Rosenthal turned Kitty's murder into symbol of apathy and decried the lack of personal responsibility. Gallo points out that he was ignoring a high degree of community participation, but probably ignoring that because people were participating in ways he didn't approve of, like protesting war and fighting for school integration.

The other point made is that the best result of the murder was the development of what became the 9-1-1 system, which required government action and not just individual efforts.

There is a lot in the story about conservatism, racism, and classism. There is even homophobia; the police were terrible to Kitty's partner, even though there was no reason to suspect her. One person who did not call the police did not do so because he was scared of them. However, he called someone else, which did bring aid. 

Not being able to trust the police in various circumstances remains a problem.

We will spend more time on patriarchy and power dynamics, but before that I want to spend a little space on my experiences with 9-1-1.

Defending the undefended

I was reluctant to use this story, because of the people insisting that it isn't real. That's why I appreciate that this article focuses on that part:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/brickgate-revives-age-old-argument-black-men-women-rcna104423

A woman posted a video from the hospital saying that a man had asked her for her phone number, and when she refused he hit her with a brick. She focused on the men who were standing around and did not help her.

Perhaps it was that sense of being accused that caused so many men to respond. There were men saying she should have just given him her number, and women talking about their Google phone numbers, which they use to get out of giving their real numbers. 

I definitely remember some white men in politics saying that maybe if girls had just been nicer to Elliot Rodger, maybe he wouldn't have shot so many people.

There were men saying she deserved it. 

There were also men saying that they need to get home to their family, and why should they put their own selves at risk for some other woman? There were women answering that by pointing out that often a verbal warning from another man would suffice.  

I think that is largely true.

Safety concerns can be real. It's been a few years, but if you say "Tri-Met stabbing" Portland still remembers that when three men stood up to a man harassing two young Black women, all three were stabbed, two fatally.

https://jezebel.com/trimet-max-stabbing-victim-says-portland-has-a-white-sa-1795729516 

(Note: There have been at least two other stabbings that you might think of, but you will probably think of this one first.)

That danger can be real, but there is also a reason that these angry, violent men are choosing Black women. 

The "Brickgate" article's biggest weakness is that it never mentions misogynoir. 

There is prejudice, and that includes racism and sexism, and the feeling that you should be able to have people "lower" than you at your disposal; that you should be able to exert authority over them.

Beyond that, there is the way they combine. There is that there is also anti-Blackness on top of racism, and that sometimes it can be internalized. 

That it can feel safer to attack a Black woman than a white woman, or a Black man.

That there can be complicity among even those who would not attack, because they can still justify the attack, and work really hard to justify their own non-involvement.

I wrote not long ago that for a lot of things we rely upon convention and unwritten rules, like standing in line. There are people who prosper from trampling over those conventions because other people are more uncomfortable with addressing the violations than allowing them.

If someone cuts in front of me in line, maybe I don't care that much; if someone is about to be physically assaulted, I better not be okay with that.

I am grateful many people came to the defense of Damien Pickett; there should have been similar help for Roda Osman. Even just asking, "Do you need some help?" "What's going on?' could have been enough. A lot of the worst behavior fades away under attention.

 There is a lot in this about power dynamics, but yes, if there was a woman attacking a man for not giving her his phone number, yes, we should come to his defense too. It's harder to picture, isn't it?

There's a reason for that.

When feeling defensive

This was not what I thought I was going to write about today, but the sudden news story does relate:

https://www.sltrib.com/news/politics/2023/09/15/rare-public-rebuke-lds-church/

In rare public rebuke, LDS Church condemns Tim Ballard’s ‘morally unacceptable’ behavior

I am glad something was said, and hopeful that it can undo some of the damage that has been done.

I worry that it won't.

So many members were so enamored of Tim Ballard and so thrilled with the movie, that I am concerned they might have a hard time giving that up.

I think this might be a time to re-examine those feelings, and try to come up with something better.

First of all, a desire to protect children is good. 

Children are vulnerable. They don't generally have money or political power or physical strength. There is an expectation that their parents will protect them, but sometimes parents do not have the ability, sometimes they do not have the desire, and sometimes parents are the threat. 

Children are also still developing, where their experiences can have a more profound influence on them than similar experiences would have on an adult. 

Children should be nurtured and protected, and it is good to know that and want to help.

Next, examine that mania for Tim Ballard and Operation Underground Railroad.

The first question may be whether you had ignored previous signs. There were many articles indicating not only that the organization was misguided on how best to help trafficking victims but also that Ballard himself was not a reliable source of information.

This includes Ballard recently being asked to step down from OUR, and that much of the information that led to the public rebuke came from a criminal investigation.

It would be possible to decide Ballard was a good man but misguided, or that the organization was still good even if Ballard was flawed, but it is probably not a coincidence that the flawed person, the flawed mission, and the flawed organization all go together.

There may be room here to look at what sources of information you are using, and what frame of reference you have for taking in that information. That is a much bigger topic.

It would certainly also be possible to decide that this is persecution due to political correctness; denial seems to be the route Ballard himself is taking:

https://www.fox13now.com/news/local-news/tim-ballard-responds-to-condemnation-from-his-own-church

I hope that church members will respect the words of acting president of the Quorum of the Twelve, M. Russell Ballard over a man who has been let go by the organization he started, but I worry.

Threatened patriarchy's primary tool are pride and anger. They don't leave one full of charity and sensitive to the Spirit.

I have often thought that maybe the reason the church never openly condemned Trump was because so many people would choose Trump and leave the church, whereas maybe if they stayed those messages about welcoming immigrants and the worth of souls and not hating would touch their hearts.

Except they were spending more time listening to messages that hardened their hearts. Instead, many of the people who knew the hate was wrong became alienated.

I don't have answers for everything; that is not my role.

On an individual level, I can recommend searching the heart, and seeing what love you find in it. If you keep finding anger and condemnation of others, you are probably on the wrong track.

If you keep feeling more love, and you are getting answers for ways to serve better and to make things better, then that seems like a good position, and you will be able to find ways to help.

Those ways will probably not involve the armed storming of compounds or a lot of fistfights. More likely it will involve a listening ear, encouraging words, and making sure that people have food and clothing and shelter. Making sure children have enough to eat is a huge way of helping them and the world.

If at some point it is right for you to get into a fistfight, that's just a bonus.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/07/the-sound-of-distraction-sound-of-hype.html

Fighting the good fight

There may be times when it is appropriate to fight, though it will probably not be a really cool fight with lots of cinematic moves and gunfire. Sometimes, it may just require words.

There are several recent examples that let us explore this. We are going to start with the one that ended up being kind of joyful, at least afterward: the Montgomery Riverfront Brawl

https://www.today.com/news/alabama-montgomery-riverfront-brawl-rcna98690

Perhaps you have seen the video.

Well, I say that like there was only one video, but as the original footage spread, people started sharing other angles, versions with special effects added, commentary, and re-enactments.

People found humor in it, but there are some really not funny things about it, too.

A dinner cruise was returning, and there was a private pontoon boat blocking the dock.

Two employees went to move the boat. There was a Black man and there was also a younger white one who doesn't figure as much in what you see. I don't think he was sure what to do. Pickett, the Black man, was the assistant boat captain so in more of a leadership role. Also, he would have had to respond somehow once he was hit in the face.

Now, I know there are some pretty strong traditions around letting someone else touch your boat, but making 200 people wait for half an hour and you are still ignoring requests to move your boat three steps, well, maybe you should consider yourselves lucky that all that happens is your boat being moved without any damage. 

Except they were drunk and entitled. And racist.

We will spend more time on that, but I want to touch on the response first.

Historically, a group of white people attacking a Black person has ended far too often in death. Pickett's defenders came quickly, but he already had bruised ribs and bumps on the head. 

That a Black man was successfully defended and that the police did not come in and start clubbing the Black people is huge, especially in the South. 

There is a disorderly conduct charge against one of the defenders. The folding chair was the most iconic part of the brawl, but perhaps it was over the top.

You will see that the mayor has refrained from calling the incident racially charged, but there are clear racial elements. 

In general, people rely on conventions, like not cutting in line. Politeness does not provide clear instructions for what to do when someone is violating those unspoken rules. There are people who benefit from ignoring those conventions.

That in itself might be race-neutral, but which people are more likely to do that is often tied in with privilege, as well as whom it is safe to do that to.

That these drunken white people felt safe ignoring a Black man who was not only right but acting in a professional capacity, and then felt safe assaulting him... that has a racial component.

Add to the mix that Donald Trump had just given a "fiery" speech in Montgomery four days earlier, and connections have been drawn between Trump rallies and hate crimes. 

https://www.local10.com/gallery/news/2023/08/05/trump-in-fiery-speech-in-alabama-boasts-he-needs-one-more-indictment-to-close-out-this-election

https://www.vox.com/2019/3/24/18279807/trump-hate-crimes-study-white-nationalism

So here is when you can get to defend people: when it is against oppression and against marginalization. 

There are going to be a lot of instincts that will feel inhibiting for that, and those are things we need to root out.

This will become more obvious as we talk about other incidents.

Related reading:

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/08/09/opinion/montgomery-brawl.html

Laban

Note: I assume that that most of my readers for this blog are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and so will be familiar with this story. If not, you can find it in the third and fourth chapters of 1 Nephi in the Book of Mormon:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/3?lang=eng

Continuing with violence, let's spend a little time on Laban in the Book of Mormon.

I recently saw a former member complaining about how good could Nephi or God really be, if they allow this cold-blooded murder. I can totally see the reasoning going the other way, with current members who believe they are good liking the idea of getting a chance to decapitate someone.

Usually, when we talk about the story, we focus on how important it was that they had the plates so that they could preserve their language and knowledge. I think we can take a moment to be grateful for the printing press and digital media storage and a variety of ways to maintain and share knowledge now. That was not the case for Lehi's family.

While we know that the brass plates contained writings of Isaiah and other records -- which obviously were recorded elsewhere because we got them in the Bible -- probably for proximity and scarcity, Laban's copy was the only option for Lehi's family. That importance is understood, and that understanding is important context.

We might not pay enough attention to the steps leading up to it. 

First, Laban was asked for the plates outright by Laman. Laban refused, called Laman a thief and threatened his life, but at this point Laban's head was still firmly attached to his shoulders.

Okay, he has no real motivation to give up the records, so the brothers move on to the next plan: offering Laban all of the family's gold, silver, and precious things in exchange.

We know the treasure appealed to Laban, because he stole it, and tried to have the brothers killed; then it's finders-keepers, right?

Laban could have kept his head and gotten treasure by just being a slightly better person. 

Generally when we are going over it, the emphasis is on how they didn't get the plates until Nephi was led by the Spirit; casting lots and coming up with their own plans did not work.

That is a fair point, but let's imagine that Nephi's first step was trying to be led by the Spirit... do you think he would have been led right to decapitation?

Laban appears to have been pretty despicable, but he still got multiple chances.

It's just not likely that you are going to get a chance to wail on someone. More to the point, you shouldn't want to.

We know that even when Jesus was driving the money changers from the temple, and had made a scourge, he still didn't hit the people selling doves or turn over that table; which could have terribly injured the birds. He just told their sellers to get the birds out. (John 2:16, and others)

More than once I have read stories in church magazines of members being robbed, and giving the money willingly or being kind to the mugger, and not only staying safe but sometimes helping the thief.

As familiar as I am with the urge to punch some jerk in the face, I know too much about the possibility of serious brain injury to do it under any but the most dire circumstances.

I'm not saying that in the event of someone raping or murdering your family that you have to let them. I do feel pretty comfortable saying that your wallet or the contents of your glove box or even your car are not worth someone else's life.

Too much desire to be violent -- to prove your toughness and strength and superiority -- well, these are the people who are more likely to annihilate their families than save them. It's not a short path to becoming a family annihilator, but along the way there are many thoughts and incidents that are not kind and loving.

I know sometimes a good fight looks fun, and there are times when self-defense is appropriate, but given our mandate to be like Christ, what kinds of thoughts and feelings should we be having?

Those will affect our actions.