We have now covered areas to think about, dating, and receiving answers as part of the larger topic of preparing to get married. Those topics are helpful if you are ready to get married, or close to ready, but sometimes there may be obstacles that need to be overcome first. These roadblocks can make it difficult for us to reach out to others, or be accepted by them when we do.
Having spent a lot of time in singles wards, I know that it is common (and easy) for the women to write off the men as stupid and immature. Even if there is an element of truth to that at times, I remember once looking at a handful of men and seeing their individual issues. Yes, there were some who just were held back by being shallow, but for others issues included fear of not being able to provide for a family, belief that a handicap would not be accepted, confusion over the meaning of a line in a patriarchal blessing, and struggles with same-gender attraction.
My first thought was that there was no one solution for each of these individuals, but on another level there is. Ultimately, all stumbling blocks are best resolved through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The difficulty with writing about preparing for marriage is that men and women usually have somewhat different roles and experiences with the process, which is also true here. Often a single man can deal with his key issue, and then he can move forward and find someone and be accepted, whereas a woman can go through the same process and still not get asked. However, knowing what to look for in a companion is good for everyone. Knowing some keys to successful dating is good for everyone, and knowing how to receive answers to prayer is certainly good for everyone.
By the same token, overcoming personal weaknesses will at least make your own life better, and more joyful, regardless of your marital status. It will also make you a better companion should marriage come along.
Finding the correct area of focus can be difficult. This requires looking at our situation with clear eyes. Pride may make us reluctant to face our weaknesses, and fear may make us reluctant to face our pain. Ignoring a problem usually does not work in making it go away, though. Usually the problem will only get bigger until we get to the point that we can’t ignore it any longer and we have to either just rebel completely (wrong way) or accept the broken heart and contrite spirit and finally become workable. This second option is better than openly rebelling, but probably inferior to actively working to seek out and correct weaknesses, praying and repenting all along the way.
I had a mission companion who had been abused as a child. She had dealt with it and had counseling at the time, but certain situations in the mission field brought back memories, and she needed to deal with it again, visiting a counselor and seeking a priesthood blessing. One lesson to take from this is that you should not be surprised if something you thought you had down comes back. New life experiences and knowledge come along, opening up new aspects, and you may have to revisit some issues. That may feel discouraging, but it is really okay.
That was a good lesson, but the one that really struck me at the time was how much her healing resembled repentance and forgiveness. It seemed wrong, because I knew she hadn’t sinned, but she was healed through the Atonement, and there are ways in which the healing is the same. When we work to overcome weaknesses or wounds, there are going to be some similarities to the process of repentance.
Recognition and Remorse: Do you know that you should get married? Do you want to?
If we are going to be completely open and honest, which is necessary, than you need to know that there are no wrong answers. Maybe the answer will need to be changed, but don’t be afraid to find out that a change is necessary.
If you do not feel like you should be pursuing marriage now, what should you be doing instead? Maybe it will not happen in this life, or maybe you need to serve a mission first, or go to school, or make a career change, or go into therapy. The Lord may not tell you everything you want to know about your future, but He is usually pretty good about giving you what you should be working on right now.
If you do know that you should be working on marriage, but you don’t want to, why not? It could be immaturity or reluctance to take on responsibility, but it can be more complex. There can be deep fears and wounds and false beliefs that we sort of sense are there, but we don’t want to examine them because we know that there is pain there. The first step to moving forward is finding out what it will mean for you.
Restitution, Reforming and Resolving: Now that you know what to do, the real work starts.
What lies ahead will be hard, but there are several promises that we should bear in mind.
Ether 12:27 – And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness…and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
The scriptures have many promises about requests for knowledge being answered, but there is also this specific promise that not only can you know what your weaknesses are, but that they can be overcome. His grace is sufficient unequivocally.
Moreover, we are promised many times that God loves us and knows us. We know that He is good and wise, not just knowing our abilities and what will come, but also understanding our trials. We also believe that the purpose of our being here is that we may have joy (2 Nephi 2:25).
What should follow from putting all of these things together is an understanding that God has a plan for you, and following it will bring you joy. You do not need to be afraid of any answer that you receive, because the end result of obedience will be joy. Every weakness that we find can be covered by grace. When the weaknesses prevail, and there is sin, it can be covered by forgiveness. In addition, there is a plan in place for the healing of all pains and restoration of all missed opportunities.
That is not meant to invalidate anyone’s current pain. It is hard. We know a “broken heart and contrite spirit” is necessary, but when you’re actually in the middle of one it doesn’t feel refining—it just feels horrible. That is when you need to cling to a belief in all of the promises that you knew were true before, and in time you will understand the gains that came.
This is where you learn that the Sunday school answers are not merely platitudes—that prayer strengthens you and keeps you on track, that studying the scriptures allows you to remember them at key moments, that you cannot maintain your testimony without attending church, and that you cannot feel good about your life if you are not serving others. Your eternal perspective grows, your charity is increased, and you feel better about being you.
After all, taking on your favorite sins and greatest fears head-on is hard, but dragging them around for years isn’t exactly easy, either, and it does not have the same rewards.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
November 2009 - Preparing to receive answers
In our series on preparing for marriage, we have gone over dating and some things to look for when considering marriage. Regarding those things to look for, it was a small starting point for a vast topic. You can read many books and studies about what will predict a happy marriage, and may find the information useful, but it is still very much a question where you will want some help. You can have a good idea of what a person is like now, but your Heavenly Father knows the full extent of both of your personalities, how they will combine, and what they will face in the future.
This type of guidance is amazingly valuable, and we have been told many times that we can ask in confidence. Each person is born with the Light of Christ so that they can sense good, and know when they are choosing good. As members of the Church, when we are confirmed we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost, but it is given as an action: “Receive the Holy Ghost.” God providing answers is not enough; we need to receive them.
Elder Richard G. Scott gave a wonderful address in the Saturday morning session of Conference, “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance”, and we will refer to his talk at times.
First of all, we need to be able to recognize what the Spirit feels like. It is not always the same. There may be chills, or warmth, but you can feel either of those things without it being guidance. There should be a feeling of peace, and an increase of love, and motivation to do good, but what will be most prominent to you may be different from what I notice, and we may feel different things at different times.
You can expect to feel the Spirit when you are doing and learning things that are good. You may feel the Spirit while praying, reading the scriptures, attending church or the temple, or serving others, so pay attention at those times, and develop an understanding of how spiritual promptings feel. I find that I often receive promptings as I am working on family history. I won’t have enough information, but an idea will come about how to search or where to look, and I will find what I need. You may find similar assistance in working on your calling, or thinking about your home or visiting teaching routes, or thinking about how to share the gospel. Those are all areas where you can expect to receive assistance, so frequently participating will help you build up a pattern of enjoying the Spirit.
One thing I especially appreciated about Elder Scott’s talk is that he gave two examples of receiving inspiration that involved very different circumstances. In one case, he was in a class being taught by an earnest, humble leader anxiously trying to help his class understand important principles. The love and faith of this teacher inspired Elder Scott, and he received inspiration about his own responsibilities.
In the other example, the instructor was an educated person trying to show off knowledge, and although this was not inspiring in one way, in another way it taught a lesson to Elder Scott, and again led to him receiving insight. Good speakers and teachers invite the Spirit, and may make receiving guidance easier, but the other kind cannot stop you. In each case, Elder Scott was in the place where he was supposed to be, both physically and spiritually. That “place” included a mindset of looking for inspiration.
Technology has helped us in many ways, but this is one area where it can hurt. We have devices where we can listen to exactly the music that we want, or see the movie we want to see in the palm of our hand. Information that once required weeks of research in a library can be looked up on a cell phone and then sent as a fun fact to our friends in a text message. We have the options of instant gratification and constant distraction. We should not get too used to that.
Listening for the Spirit requires study. There needs to be quiet time, where we can hear faint whisperings. We may need to pore over a passage of scripture, reading it several times, writing in our journal about it, and then reading it again.
Elder Scott relays a rather lengthy process for going over the promptings he received. First he wrote them down, then studied them to make sure he had accurately captured the information. He made changes where necessary, until he was sure he had captured them correctly. Having captured the thoughts, he then considered the information as it related to his own life, pondering the application of the revelation. Then he took the information he thought he had learned back to the Lord in prayer, asking for confirmation that he had it right. This led to additional promptings, to ask if there was more, and there was. Repeating this process, he got the information that he needed. It took work, but it resulted in great blessings, for which he expressed gratitude.
There must be a pattern of asking. We are expected to think for our selves, so we do not pray over every small thing. It would probably not be appropriate to do so. We may pray about seeking a spouse, or what school or career to choose, but make all smaller decisions on our own. This may be going too much in the other direction.
Even if we do not always have questions that ask “yes or no” or “which”, we should always have endeavors where we can pray for guidance. We should be trying to align our will with our Father’s will, and that means that we are looking for ways to improve and ways to serve. As we find these ways, we must act on them. The answers may not always be what we were hoping for, but if we trust in our Father’s superior wisdom and love for us, it would be foolish not to follow His counsel. Notice that Elder Scott’s follow up questions were to make sure that he had it right, not hope for a different answer. The Lord may let you try your own wisdom if you keep asking, but usually you will just be reminded that He is wiser (D & C 10).
We need to know that answers will not always come easily. Oliver Cowdery was admonished to study the matter out before asking if it was right (D&C 9). We may sometimes receive an answer quickly when the situation calls for it, but more often we will need pondering, and time for quiet reflection.
I am amazed and humbled that with my hectic life and undisciplined mind, I can still be given important knowledge that I need to accomplish the tasks before me. The Spirit is generous, and as we rise to the occasion that generosity will be multiplied. It is easy to ask for things and events, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is much more available if you will seek guidance and act upon it in your daily life.
This type of guidance is amazingly valuable, and we have been told many times that we can ask in confidence. Each person is born with the Light of Christ so that they can sense good, and know when they are choosing good. As members of the Church, when we are confirmed we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost, but it is given as an action: “Receive the Holy Ghost.” God providing answers is not enough; we need to receive them.
Elder Richard G. Scott gave a wonderful address in the Saturday morning session of Conference, “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance”, and we will refer to his talk at times.
First of all, we need to be able to recognize what the Spirit feels like. It is not always the same. There may be chills, or warmth, but you can feel either of those things without it being guidance. There should be a feeling of peace, and an increase of love, and motivation to do good, but what will be most prominent to you may be different from what I notice, and we may feel different things at different times.
You can expect to feel the Spirit when you are doing and learning things that are good. You may feel the Spirit while praying, reading the scriptures, attending church or the temple, or serving others, so pay attention at those times, and develop an understanding of how spiritual promptings feel. I find that I often receive promptings as I am working on family history. I won’t have enough information, but an idea will come about how to search or where to look, and I will find what I need. You may find similar assistance in working on your calling, or thinking about your home or visiting teaching routes, or thinking about how to share the gospel. Those are all areas where you can expect to receive assistance, so frequently participating will help you build up a pattern of enjoying the Spirit.
One thing I especially appreciated about Elder Scott’s talk is that he gave two examples of receiving inspiration that involved very different circumstances. In one case, he was in a class being taught by an earnest, humble leader anxiously trying to help his class understand important principles. The love and faith of this teacher inspired Elder Scott, and he received inspiration about his own responsibilities.
In the other example, the instructor was an educated person trying to show off knowledge, and although this was not inspiring in one way, in another way it taught a lesson to Elder Scott, and again led to him receiving insight. Good speakers and teachers invite the Spirit, and may make receiving guidance easier, but the other kind cannot stop you. In each case, Elder Scott was in the place where he was supposed to be, both physically and spiritually. That “place” included a mindset of looking for inspiration.
Technology has helped us in many ways, but this is one area where it can hurt. We have devices where we can listen to exactly the music that we want, or see the movie we want to see in the palm of our hand. Information that once required weeks of research in a library can be looked up on a cell phone and then sent as a fun fact to our friends in a text message. We have the options of instant gratification and constant distraction. We should not get too used to that.
Listening for the Spirit requires study. There needs to be quiet time, where we can hear faint whisperings. We may need to pore over a passage of scripture, reading it several times, writing in our journal about it, and then reading it again.
Elder Scott relays a rather lengthy process for going over the promptings he received. First he wrote them down, then studied them to make sure he had accurately captured the information. He made changes where necessary, until he was sure he had captured them correctly. Having captured the thoughts, he then considered the information as it related to his own life, pondering the application of the revelation. Then he took the information he thought he had learned back to the Lord in prayer, asking for confirmation that he had it right. This led to additional promptings, to ask if there was more, and there was. Repeating this process, he got the information that he needed. It took work, but it resulted in great blessings, for which he expressed gratitude.
There must be a pattern of asking. We are expected to think for our selves, so we do not pray over every small thing. It would probably not be appropriate to do so. We may pray about seeking a spouse, or what school or career to choose, but make all smaller decisions on our own. This may be going too much in the other direction.
Even if we do not always have questions that ask “yes or no” or “which”, we should always have endeavors where we can pray for guidance. We should be trying to align our will with our Father’s will, and that means that we are looking for ways to improve and ways to serve. As we find these ways, we must act on them. The answers may not always be what we were hoping for, but if we trust in our Father’s superior wisdom and love for us, it would be foolish not to follow His counsel. Notice that Elder Scott’s follow up questions were to make sure that he had it right, not hope for a different answer. The Lord may let you try your own wisdom if you keep asking, but usually you will just be reminded that He is wiser (D & C 10).
We need to know that answers will not always come easily. Oliver Cowdery was admonished to study the matter out before asking if it was right (D&C 9). We may sometimes receive an answer quickly when the situation calls for it, but more often we will need pondering, and time for quiet reflection.
I am amazed and humbled that with my hectic life and undisciplined mind, I can still be given important knowledge that I need to accomplish the tasks before me. The Spirit is generous, and as we rise to the occasion that generosity will be multiplied. It is easy to ask for things and events, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is much more available if you will seek guidance and act upon it in your daily life.
Friday, October 23, 2009
October 2009: Preparing to Garden
Bulbs are usually planted in October, but in most ways the garden is winding down. Still, a big part of preparedness is the planning ahead, thinking about what you want and how to get there. Now is a perfect time to think about spring.
The counsel to plant a garden is well known, as are the benefits. Gardening tends to improve muscle and joint strength while decreasing blood pressure and keeping the mind active. Gardeners tend to eat better, as they can incorporate more variety and fresher ingredients into their diets. Although the initial outlay can be expensive, in time it can be a cost-savings. In addition, there are various pricing models available, depending on your resources and needs.
Young singles may end up staying in the same place for a long time, but since being single feels like a temporary state, often our residences feel temporary even as the years pass by. In this frame of mind, it is hard to feel motivated to tear up a patch of ground and commit to planting and maintaining it, even if you have the space. Many of us do not, living in apartments with nothing more than a small balcony.
Again, there are many different options available. I live near some housing where the residents have about eighteen inches of dirt before it slopes down several feet into a ditch. This has not stopped one of the families from having a garden. They set up a wooden frame that hugs the side of the house. It is only eighteen inches wide, and probably about five feet long, but they nonetheless get a pretty impressive crop.
Those particular units are single-story, so everyone has some ground—just not very much. If you are up on a second story, you probably don’t even have that, but you might have a small balcony, on which you can set up containers.
Container gardens don’t hold very much, but they are a start. It is a chance to practice, and prepare for when you are ready to till actual ground. The also have their own advantages: you can bring the plants in for severe weather, you have complete control of the soil and water, and it is also easier to keep weeds under control.
One plant that grows well in containers is the tomato, and now you have even more options with tomatoes, because there is the technology to grow them upside down. This can increase your available patio space, as you can have plants on the ground growing up, as well as plants growing down from above. This method can be used for other plants as well, but works best with vines with lighter weight fruit (so cucumbers or zucchini would work, but probably not melons.)
If you really want to be creative, you can look into hydroponics, or building a grow box, but these projects can become overly expensive and ambitious. If you are just starting out, it may be best to start small.
You have probably seen small plastic cartons shaped like greenhouses with small pots and soil disks. Even if you don’t have the patio, and all you have is a windowsill, you can grow something. These sets usually focus on herbs, but I once had a set that grew strawberry plants from seeds, which I later transferred to a planter. Most of the possible items will eventually require transplanting, but in the meanwhile you have several months of watching the seeds sprout and grow and develop. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with having produced something, and eventually you could be eating strawberries, or using fresh herbs in your homemade tomato sauce.
Perhaps you are thinking that you would never be interested in making your own tomato sauce, and that leads to an important point. You should grow things that you will eat, or you will lose most of the benefits of having a garden.
This is not just about what you plant, but also how much. If you plant more than you can eat, and do not have a way to preserve the output, your efforts may go to waste. Sharing with others can be a wonderful solution, but then if they don’t have a use for it they feel wasteful. (This is a common issue with zucchini.) Learning what your yield will be and how to use it is one reason to start slow and expand gradually. Maybe you need a whole row of green beans, but only a very small radish section.
If you are not a huge fan of vegetables now, don’t give up just yet. One drawback of our current agricultural system is that most food is shipped a long way, so plants are bred so that the fruits and vegetables will travel well, not spoiling too quickly or being too squishy. Unfortunately, the best travelers are often not so flavorful. You may be surprised at how different something homegrown can taste.
Obviously, going through an entire cycle of planting and harvesting to find out if something tastes good could be a frustrating process, but we have a valuable resource in this area with the many farmers’ markets.
At the markets you can sample varieties that grow locally. You can do this by purchasing, but many of the market stalls will have free samples, allowing you to get an idea. Even if a sample convinces you that no matter what heirloom varieties are available, you should never grow Brussels sprouts, it is still interesting to see them on the stalk.
Sometimes they will have recipes, and ideas for preparation. In addition, assuming the farmer is not too busy, you may even be able to get some tips on growing. If the farmer is too busy, the Master Gardeners will not be, and you can find tips and information from them:
http://extension.oregonstate.edu/mg/
Want to learn more? Look for books on the subject. Even if you are an absolute beginner, not only is there a Gardening for Dummies book, but the for Dummies series has installments on container, organic, herb, vegetable, and fruit and vegetable gardening.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, or to start small. One challenge asked people to start with just a four foot square plot on May 1st, which seems modest, but still requires property, and a rototiller, and maybe even fencing before it can be successful. It’s okay to start with a small pot and build up skill. Actually, doing it that way is probably better.
The counsel to plant a garden is well known, as are the benefits. Gardening tends to improve muscle and joint strength while decreasing blood pressure and keeping the mind active. Gardeners tend to eat better, as they can incorporate more variety and fresher ingredients into their diets. Although the initial outlay can be expensive, in time it can be a cost-savings. In addition, there are various pricing models available, depending on your resources and needs.
Young singles may end up staying in the same place for a long time, but since being single feels like a temporary state, often our residences feel temporary even as the years pass by. In this frame of mind, it is hard to feel motivated to tear up a patch of ground and commit to planting and maintaining it, even if you have the space. Many of us do not, living in apartments with nothing more than a small balcony.
Again, there are many different options available. I live near some housing where the residents have about eighteen inches of dirt before it slopes down several feet into a ditch. This has not stopped one of the families from having a garden. They set up a wooden frame that hugs the side of the house. It is only eighteen inches wide, and probably about five feet long, but they nonetheless get a pretty impressive crop.
Those particular units are single-story, so everyone has some ground—just not very much. If you are up on a second story, you probably don’t even have that, but you might have a small balcony, on which you can set up containers.
Container gardens don’t hold very much, but they are a start. It is a chance to practice, and prepare for when you are ready to till actual ground. The also have their own advantages: you can bring the plants in for severe weather, you have complete control of the soil and water, and it is also easier to keep weeds under control.
One plant that grows well in containers is the tomato, and now you have even more options with tomatoes, because there is the technology to grow them upside down. This can increase your available patio space, as you can have plants on the ground growing up, as well as plants growing down from above. This method can be used for other plants as well, but works best with vines with lighter weight fruit (so cucumbers or zucchini would work, but probably not melons.)
If you really want to be creative, you can look into hydroponics, or building a grow box, but these projects can become overly expensive and ambitious. If you are just starting out, it may be best to start small.
You have probably seen small plastic cartons shaped like greenhouses with small pots and soil disks. Even if you don’t have the patio, and all you have is a windowsill, you can grow something. These sets usually focus on herbs, but I once had a set that grew strawberry plants from seeds, which I later transferred to a planter. Most of the possible items will eventually require transplanting, but in the meanwhile you have several months of watching the seeds sprout and grow and develop. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with having produced something, and eventually you could be eating strawberries, or using fresh herbs in your homemade tomato sauce.
Perhaps you are thinking that you would never be interested in making your own tomato sauce, and that leads to an important point. You should grow things that you will eat, or you will lose most of the benefits of having a garden.
This is not just about what you plant, but also how much. If you plant more than you can eat, and do not have a way to preserve the output, your efforts may go to waste. Sharing with others can be a wonderful solution, but then if they don’t have a use for it they feel wasteful. (This is a common issue with zucchini.) Learning what your yield will be and how to use it is one reason to start slow and expand gradually. Maybe you need a whole row of green beans, but only a very small radish section.
If you are not a huge fan of vegetables now, don’t give up just yet. One drawback of our current agricultural system is that most food is shipped a long way, so plants are bred so that the fruits and vegetables will travel well, not spoiling too quickly or being too squishy. Unfortunately, the best travelers are often not so flavorful. You may be surprised at how different something homegrown can taste.
Obviously, going through an entire cycle of planting and harvesting to find out if something tastes good could be a frustrating process, but we have a valuable resource in this area with the many farmers’ markets.
At the markets you can sample varieties that grow locally. You can do this by purchasing, but many of the market stalls will have free samples, allowing you to get an idea. Even if a sample convinces you that no matter what heirloom varieties are available, you should never grow Brussels sprouts, it is still interesting to see them on the stalk.
Sometimes they will have recipes, and ideas for preparation. In addition, assuming the farmer is not too busy, you may even be able to get some tips on growing. If the farmer is too busy, the Master Gardeners will not be, and you can find tips and information from them:
http://extension.oregonstate.edu/mg/
Want to learn more? Look for books on the subject. Even if you are an absolute beginner, not only is there a Gardening for Dummies book, but the for Dummies series has installments on container, organic, herb, vegetable, and fruit and vegetable gardening.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, or to start small. One challenge asked people to start with just a four foot square plot on May 1st, which seems modest, but still requires property, and a rototiller, and maybe even fencing before it can be successful. It’s okay to start with a small pot and build up skill. Actually, doing it that way is probably better.
Friday, September 25, 2009
September 2000: Preparing to date
I recently read an article in a women’s magazine about how to find Mr. Right. It said you should ask yourself three questions:
· Is he a good man?
· Is he crazy about you?
· Is he willing to grow with you?
If you can respond, “Yes” to all three, you should be able to have a happy marriage with him.
These are pretty good questions (though I suspect that there actually needs to be a fourth question about feelings of attraction towards him), but these questions presuppose that there is someone to ask those questions about. They aren’t really about finding Mr. Right so much as recognizing him when he appears.
In much the same way, the July newsletter had great questions to think about if you already have an individual in mind, but many of us have not yet reached that stage. We may not even be close. This is fine. Making the transition from single person to temple marriage involves many steps, and you have to start from where you are. This month we are focusing on dating.
For the some people, dating can be the hardest part. They are good at getting answers to prayer, and setting goals, and doing all righteous, spiritual things, but secular socialization, flirting, and finding the confidence to ask someone out feels completely different.
If this is you, take heart. Although at times it will be awkward and painful, it is temporary. Yes, you should ask your spouse on regular dates, but by then your fear of rejection should have subsided. Honest communication will still be important, and can still be uncomfortable, but it will be with someone who has made an eternal commitment to you. You just need to steel yourself to get from point A to point B, and then the playing field changes completely.
When it comes to fear of dating, remember that the fear is often worse than the actuality, and so after the first few times, you learn that, and the fear ebbs. Fear also often comes from self-imposed pressure and false mindsets. We can review a few things that should help.
First of all, you need to take away any expectations for immediate success. A few years ago we had a string of couples getting married where each of the men was marrying the third girl he had dated in the ward. Three is not necessarily a magic number, but getting to know other people is helpful in discovering your own needs, and what means compatible to you.
Since you are probably going to have to date more than one person, both parties need to remember that a single date is not a promise. Multiple dates are not necessarily a promise. (Though if you hang out with her all the time, and are not dating anyone else, it’s going to start feeling like a promise.) A date is merely an agreement to spend some time together, with no strings attached. You do not have to ask her out again. If you do ask her out again, she does not have to accept. It’s special when you both want to see each other again, and that’s why we’re doing it, but it doesn’t always happen and that is perfectly fine.
There are obligations, but they are the normal, human obligations of being a good person. You should be kind, honest, and respectful. Sometimes the answer will be “no”, but that should never be a cruel “no”. (It may need to become a very firm “no” if someone is not getting the message, but it can still be honest and respectful.)
It is also good for men to know that women tell each other things. If you are rude, dishonest, or unkind to one female, news may travel to others and can be held against you in the future, though you may not know what the specific reason is. If you are aware of any behavior that could use an apology, it’s best to just get that out of the way.
Now, I realize these are written as if the male is doing the asking, but this is the common expectation. Some people feel more strongly about whether or not it is permissible for females to ask, but the good thing is if your feelings are strongly opposite, you were probably not going to be compatible anyway, so just do what feels right to you there.
We have focused on fear as the main obstacle. For dating ideas, especially low-cost ones, there is a lot of information out there on web sites and in handouts from Mutual. For finding the right person, well, if you date enough people, you should meet at least a few that you can like. The big issue tends to be fear. Social anxiety is nothing new, so here are a few ideas to help that.
· Have a wingman: Double or triple dates can remove a lot of pressure. At some point you should move on to one-on-one dates, but if this makes starting out easier, go for it. The important thing is that you do make it an actual date, with defined couples, and not a bunch of people hanging out. Hanging out has not proven to be as effective in building relationships as dating.
· Ask for something specific: Some people feel more comfortable building the date around a specific event or planned activity, rather than just asking, “Do you want to go out some time?” That way, if they say no, it is the event and not you. The drawback is that they might be saying no to the event, but then you interpret it as you. This is where clear communication is handy. “Thank you, but no,” can be for the person, “I’m not free then, but maybe some other time,” can be for the timing, and “Thanks, but I hate Jim Carrey (or something appropriate),” can be for the event. It’s something to build on. For one thing, if you love Jim Carrey, maybe this is the wrong relationship to pursue. The point is, you are finding out more information.
· Get an alibi: Bishop Duncombe used to tell his future wife “So and so said that I should take you out.” Whether or not this was true for him, you could try this as an opening line, and some people may find it cute. More to the point, if you do not have any ideas on where to start, you can also ask friends for advice on whom to date, or where you are going wrong if you have been trying.
· Get to know the person first: It should be obvious, but if the first time you ever speak to someone it is to request a date, this can be off-putting. They may feel that you are asking for shallow reasons, or wonder if there is a dare going on. It is perfectly fine to try dating someone based on mere physical attraction, because it is just a date, but you are then open to being rejected solely on physical grounds because you went there first. When you both know each other as people, even if not very well, it’s a different conversation.
Besides, the additional socialization is good practice. Smile and greet people when you see them. Introduce yourself when you don’t know someone. Sit next to different people in Sunday School (which you are attending). This allows you to make inroads with a little effort, improving your chances for when the time comes to extend an invitation. It also makes for a friendlier ward!
You may have noticed that the overarching theme is that things will work out, even if there are some tough spots. This is true as long as you are doing something. What makes things work out is that you are taking action.
While it helps to remember that not every date will result in marriage, marriage is still the long-term goal. If you find that you are ambiguous on that goal, that you don’t want it, or that something beyond fear or apathy is holding you back from dating, that indicates that more pondering and work is required. We’ll get to that.
· Is he a good man?
· Is he crazy about you?
· Is he willing to grow with you?
If you can respond, “Yes” to all three, you should be able to have a happy marriage with him.
These are pretty good questions (though I suspect that there actually needs to be a fourth question about feelings of attraction towards him), but these questions presuppose that there is someone to ask those questions about. They aren’t really about finding Mr. Right so much as recognizing him when he appears.
In much the same way, the July newsletter had great questions to think about if you already have an individual in mind, but many of us have not yet reached that stage. We may not even be close. This is fine. Making the transition from single person to temple marriage involves many steps, and you have to start from where you are. This month we are focusing on dating.
For the some people, dating can be the hardest part. They are good at getting answers to prayer, and setting goals, and doing all righteous, spiritual things, but secular socialization, flirting, and finding the confidence to ask someone out feels completely different.
If this is you, take heart. Although at times it will be awkward and painful, it is temporary. Yes, you should ask your spouse on regular dates, but by then your fear of rejection should have subsided. Honest communication will still be important, and can still be uncomfortable, but it will be with someone who has made an eternal commitment to you. You just need to steel yourself to get from point A to point B, and then the playing field changes completely.
When it comes to fear of dating, remember that the fear is often worse than the actuality, and so after the first few times, you learn that, and the fear ebbs. Fear also often comes from self-imposed pressure and false mindsets. We can review a few things that should help.
First of all, you need to take away any expectations for immediate success. A few years ago we had a string of couples getting married where each of the men was marrying the third girl he had dated in the ward. Three is not necessarily a magic number, but getting to know other people is helpful in discovering your own needs, and what means compatible to you.
Since you are probably going to have to date more than one person, both parties need to remember that a single date is not a promise. Multiple dates are not necessarily a promise. (Though if you hang out with her all the time, and are not dating anyone else, it’s going to start feeling like a promise.) A date is merely an agreement to spend some time together, with no strings attached. You do not have to ask her out again. If you do ask her out again, she does not have to accept. It’s special when you both want to see each other again, and that’s why we’re doing it, but it doesn’t always happen and that is perfectly fine.
There are obligations, but they are the normal, human obligations of being a good person. You should be kind, honest, and respectful. Sometimes the answer will be “no”, but that should never be a cruel “no”. (It may need to become a very firm “no” if someone is not getting the message, but it can still be honest and respectful.)
It is also good for men to know that women tell each other things. If you are rude, dishonest, or unkind to one female, news may travel to others and can be held against you in the future, though you may not know what the specific reason is. If you are aware of any behavior that could use an apology, it’s best to just get that out of the way.
Now, I realize these are written as if the male is doing the asking, but this is the common expectation. Some people feel more strongly about whether or not it is permissible for females to ask, but the good thing is if your feelings are strongly opposite, you were probably not going to be compatible anyway, so just do what feels right to you there.
We have focused on fear as the main obstacle. For dating ideas, especially low-cost ones, there is a lot of information out there on web sites and in handouts from Mutual. For finding the right person, well, if you date enough people, you should meet at least a few that you can like. The big issue tends to be fear. Social anxiety is nothing new, so here are a few ideas to help that.
· Have a wingman: Double or triple dates can remove a lot of pressure. At some point you should move on to one-on-one dates, but if this makes starting out easier, go for it. The important thing is that you do make it an actual date, with defined couples, and not a bunch of people hanging out. Hanging out has not proven to be as effective in building relationships as dating.
· Ask for something specific: Some people feel more comfortable building the date around a specific event or planned activity, rather than just asking, “Do you want to go out some time?” That way, if they say no, it is the event and not you. The drawback is that they might be saying no to the event, but then you interpret it as you. This is where clear communication is handy. “Thank you, but no,” can be for the person, “I’m not free then, but maybe some other time,” can be for the timing, and “Thanks, but I hate Jim Carrey (or something appropriate),” can be for the event. It’s something to build on. For one thing, if you love Jim Carrey, maybe this is the wrong relationship to pursue. The point is, you are finding out more information.
· Get an alibi: Bishop Duncombe used to tell his future wife “So and so said that I should take you out.” Whether or not this was true for him, you could try this as an opening line, and some people may find it cute. More to the point, if you do not have any ideas on where to start, you can also ask friends for advice on whom to date, or where you are going wrong if you have been trying.
· Get to know the person first: It should be obvious, but if the first time you ever speak to someone it is to request a date, this can be off-putting. They may feel that you are asking for shallow reasons, or wonder if there is a dare going on. It is perfectly fine to try dating someone based on mere physical attraction, because it is just a date, but you are then open to being rejected solely on physical grounds because you went there first. When you both know each other as people, even if not very well, it’s a different conversation.
Besides, the additional socialization is good practice. Smile and greet people when you see them. Introduce yourself when you don’t know someone. Sit next to different people in Sunday School (which you are attending). This allows you to make inroads with a little effort, improving your chances for when the time comes to extend an invitation. It also makes for a friendlier ward!
You may have noticed that the overarching theme is that things will work out, even if there are some tough spots. This is true as long as you are doing something. What makes things work out is that you are taking action.
While it helps to remember that not every date will result in marriage, marriage is still the long-term goal. If you find that you are ambiguous on that goal, that you don’t want it, or that something beyond fear or apathy is holding you back from dating, that indicates that more pondering and work is required. We’ll get to that.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
August 2009 - Preparing for good health
In November we covered pandemic illness, which seemed on the verge of becoming a reality in April, when we began hearing about swine flu. After, swine flu became something of a joke, as it never really seemed to take flight.
Actually, the virus never went away, and is expected to have a surge during the normal flu season. This gradual build-up is useful, because it allows time for a vaccine to be developed, which should become available in mid-October (it will be a separate vaccine from the usual yearly flu shot).
The usual precautions will still apply, about covering your mouth and nose when you sneeze and cough and washing your hands (preferably, cover with your arm, or you will probably not be able to wash your hands frequently enough). Added to that is a precaution to stay away from crowds and to get the vaccination, and a strong plea that if you do come down with any strain of influenza that you stay home and quit passing it around. You can find more information at http://www.flu.oregon.gov/.
Those steps can be very important, but instead I want to focus on maintaining your overall health. A body that you treat well is better able to fight disease, both before and after infection. A body well cared for will feel better and live longer. Despite this, we often ignore some of the most basic aspects of self-care.
In the August 19th “YOU Docs” column in The Oregonian, a reader wrote saying that his doctor had told him to eat healthier and exercise, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. The advice was related specifically to preventing cancer and heart issues, but is good for general health as well. The docs advised four things that anyone can start doing today.
1.) Walk thirty minutes a day. There are certainly experts who recommend more frequent and more intense exercises, but, walking thirty minutes a day is something anyone can do. It does not require a gym membership, equipment, or even a significant investment in time.
2.) Call a buddy and report that you have done it. Maybe add to this by buying a pedometer and reporting step counts, aiming for over 10,000 steps a day. Having someone who knows your goal increases your sense of accountability.
3.) After three weeks, start doing strengthening exercises for the muscle groups in your backs, abdominals, and legs. Do these for ten minutes, three times a week. This may seem more complicated than the walking part, as you worry about which exercises to do, correct form, and a possible need to buy equipment. However, there is lots of information out there, there are exercises that can be done at home, and exercises that can be done without equipment, and also, you will have built confidence and stamina by getting three weeks of walking exercises under your belt. You will be ready for a new challenge.
4.) To eat healthier, they recommended avoiding all four-legged fats, along with palm and coconut oil, eating only whole grains, and eating nine fistfuls of fruits and vegetables a day. Why fistfuls? So there is no ambiguity about figuring out a serving.
This last piece of advice may seem extreme. After all, four-legged animals and refined grains are delicious. However, there are some echoes in there (every fruit in the season thereof…flesh also of the beasts…are to be used sparingly…All grain is ordained for the use of man…) that may make it worth at least giving these ideas a second look.
For other ideas on maintaining good health, it is interesting to take a look at the Real Age test (http://www.realage.com/). This test determines your biological age based on questions about your lifestyle. If you are living the bare basics of the Word of Wisdom (specifically not smoking or drinking), and regularly attending church, this will automatically lower your biological age, perhaps compensating for some other unhealthy practices. Having good friends and relationships makes you younger and healthier, perhaps providing an extra benefit to having that workout buddy. In general, going over the questions can lead to some interesting thoughts.
When one of my friends took it many years ago, he was surprised to be asked about flossing. Now they just ask about the existence of various dental conditions, like peridontitis, gingivitis, or dentures, but the point is that there is a connection between dental health and overall health, particularly with cardiovascular health and cholesterol. The connection is not fully understood—it may just be that having healthy gums eliminates an easy point of infection—but it should certainly be extra motivation for brushing and flossing.
There are areas over which you will have no control. Your ethnic background and your family medical history does have an impact on your health, and cannot be changed. However, knowing now what issues are more likely allows you to plan ahead and take extra steps for prevention. Higher incomes tend to correlate with better health, but changing your income level is tricky, and can have a lot of obstacles. Managing stress is important, but some people find that very difficult.
Still, there are plenty of things that you can do that are relatively easy, from avoiding speeding to taking vitamins. Even if at the beginning all you are doing is walking for fifteen minutes a day and eating one fistful of fruit, it is a start. If that is better than the day before, it is still something.
Various studies have shown health benefits to marriage, especially happy marriages, and especially for males. So next month we return to our three part series on “Preparing for marriage” with part two, “Preparing to date”. Perhaps it would be good to find some stress-handling strategies between now and then.
Actually, the virus never went away, and is expected to have a surge during the normal flu season. This gradual build-up is useful, because it allows time for a vaccine to be developed, which should become available in mid-October (it will be a separate vaccine from the usual yearly flu shot).
The usual precautions will still apply, about covering your mouth and nose when you sneeze and cough and washing your hands (preferably, cover with your arm, or you will probably not be able to wash your hands frequently enough). Added to that is a precaution to stay away from crowds and to get the vaccination, and a strong plea that if you do come down with any strain of influenza that you stay home and quit passing it around. You can find more information at http://www.flu.oregon.gov/.
Those steps can be very important, but instead I want to focus on maintaining your overall health. A body that you treat well is better able to fight disease, both before and after infection. A body well cared for will feel better and live longer. Despite this, we often ignore some of the most basic aspects of self-care.
In the August 19th “YOU Docs” column in The Oregonian, a reader wrote saying that his doctor had told him to eat healthier and exercise, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. The advice was related specifically to preventing cancer and heart issues, but is good for general health as well. The docs advised four things that anyone can start doing today.
1.) Walk thirty minutes a day. There are certainly experts who recommend more frequent and more intense exercises, but, walking thirty minutes a day is something anyone can do. It does not require a gym membership, equipment, or even a significant investment in time.
2.) Call a buddy and report that you have done it. Maybe add to this by buying a pedometer and reporting step counts, aiming for over 10,000 steps a day. Having someone who knows your goal increases your sense of accountability.
3.) After three weeks, start doing strengthening exercises for the muscle groups in your backs, abdominals, and legs. Do these for ten minutes, three times a week. This may seem more complicated than the walking part, as you worry about which exercises to do, correct form, and a possible need to buy equipment. However, there is lots of information out there, there are exercises that can be done at home, and exercises that can be done without equipment, and also, you will have built confidence and stamina by getting three weeks of walking exercises under your belt. You will be ready for a new challenge.
4.) To eat healthier, they recommended avoiding all four-legged fats, along with palm and coconut oil, eating only whole grains, and eating nine fistfuls of fruits and vegetables a day. Why fistfuls? So there is no ambiguity about figuring out a serving.
This last piece of advice may seem extreme. After all, four-legged animals and refined grains are delicious. However, there are some echoes in there (every fruit in the season thereof…flesh also of the beasts…are to be used sparingly…All grain is ordained for the use of man…) that may make it worth at least giving these ideas a second look.
For other ideas on maintaining good health, it is interesting to take a look at the Real Age test (http://www.realage.com/). This test determines your biological age based on questions about your lifestyle. If you are living the bare basics of the Word of Wisdom (specifically not smoking or drinking), and regularly attending church, this will automatically lower your biological age, perhaps compensating for some other unhealthy practices. Having good friends and relationships makes you younger and healthier, perhaps providing an extra benefit to having that workout buddy. In general, going over the questions can lead to some interesting thoughts.
When one of my friends took it many years ago, he was surprised to be asked about flossing. Now they just ask about the existence of various dental conditions, like peridontitis, gingivitis, or dentures, but the point is that there is a connection between dental health and overall health, particularly with cardiovascular health and cholesterol. The connection is not fully understood—it may just be that having healthy gums eliminates an easy point of infection—but it should certainly be extra motivation for brushing and flossing.
There are areas over which you will have no control. Your ethnic background and your family medical history does have an impact on your health, and cannot be changed. However, knowing now what issues are more likely allows you to plan ahead and take extra steps for prevention. Higher incomes tend to correlate with better health, but changing your income level is tricky, and can have a lot of obstacles. Managing stress is important, but some people find that very difficult.
Still, there are plenty of things that you can do that are relatively easy, from avoiding speeding to taking vitamins. Even if at the beginning all you are doing is walking for fifteen minutes a day and eating one fistful of fruit, it is a start. If that is better than the day before, it is still something.
Various studies have shown health benefits to marriage, especially happy marriages, and especially for males. So next month we return to our three part series on “Preparing for marriage” with part two, “Preparing to date”. Perhaps it would be good to find some stress-handling strategies between now and then.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Bonus wedding issue
I recently had a long message thread going with a friend who is getting married. The engagement is short, and the budget is small, so that puts some interesting constraints, and my sisters and I set up suggestions for her, and things to think about.
As the last letter was about getting married (and there is a good chance the next two will relate), I am adapting those tips and posting here. After all, a big key to preparedness and provident living is that you are thinking about things and making informed decisions, rather than just letting things happen. So, this kind of works, and if enough people act on the information in the last letter, maybe many people will need this.
Our friend already had already ordered the dress and found a person for the cake and for photography, so there won't be as much information there. It may be a little disjointed since I am combining things from three messages and some live conversation.
Pictures pretty much always take longer than planned, so allow a good amount of time for them. If you will want someone taking pictures both after the temple and at the reception, it may be easier if you are working with a friend or family member.
It sounds like you have already reserved the church building and made arrangements with the temple for the sealing. When we were talking with the woman at the temple, we talked about the marriage license (allow three days to process, good for two months), and that you will need a living ordinance recommend (so you need to meet with your bishops), so I assume those are covered.
It sounds like you have also already ordered the dress. If there are issues with that, I do have a friend who works at David’s Bridal, and maybe she will have suggestions if you need alterations. Along with the dress, you need to think about shoes, hose, jewelry, hair, and make-up. Do you want to do something old, new, borrowed, and blue? At least getting the tuxedo is relatively easy.
(Added: I was really impressed with the workers at the Soho Booth in Washington Square. They tried out different hairstyles, allowing different options, and were really helpful.)
The invitations can be hard, especially because you need to get them ready and mailed out really quickly. It may be best not to go to a traditional print shop for invitations, but instead, see what a copy shop will do. I would try Lazerquick, as they are usually less expensive and less busy than Kinkos. You can also probably get blanks at a party shop and then have the copy shop fill them in. (If you get thank you cards at the same time, you can get them to match.)
Flowers will be the other thing that could be difficult, since this is the height of wedding season and regular floral shops might be really busy. I normally recommend Westside Florists because they give you good value, but again, they might be busy. If you know people with gardens, something could probably be done homemade. Also, you can check at a farmer’s market, and I have a friend who works at the flower mart where the farmers sell to the florists, so she might have some ideas. You will want to think about a bouquet for you, boutonniere, possibly a headpiece, and then maybe décor like centerpieces or background greenery.
That leads to décor for the hall, which doesn’t have to be plant life. Some people do chair backings and tablecloths, or trellises. There are rental places that can help with this, but it depends what you want.
It sounds like you probably already have someone to do the cake. The next thing to consider is other food, which can run the gamut from some bowls of mints and nuts to hot foods or rolls and deli meats, along with plates, cups, and serving utensils. I really recommend looking at the Cash & Carry for this. They have really good prices, and a pretty good selection. You would have to pay cash, but it is affordable. (For napkins, though, you may want a party store to get kind of nicer ones in a wedding color.) We do have a small punch bowl, but you probably know someone with a bigger one.
(Sometimes a groom’s cake is fun. Our sister in law got Lance one shaped like a shoe. Partly it was to give him a chocolate cake, but the shoe was a joke between them that he was always putting his foot in his mouth.)
After that, most of the other concerns aren’t so much where to get things, but just what to do. The last reception we were at had live classical music, but we have been at ones with DJs or just pre-recorded CDs. Do you want dancing? Bouquet and garter tosses? Toasts? An official time for cake cutting? Sometimes people will want all of those things, or maybe special songs by family members, and they will print programs with the schedule of what happens when. That information can also go on the invitation. It is just something to think about.
You will probably want to get a guest book for people to sign, and you should definitely have a table set up for people dropping off presents. You may want to consider setting up some kind of photo display of the two of you. It is also frequent, but not necessary, to provide wedding favors, and/or something for the guests to throw at you when you leave. If you do want this, the party store is still probably the way to go. There is one right by Jones Farm that has a lot of wedding stuff.
I strongly recommend either getting a chauffeured car for the getaway, or having someone you trust guard the car, because people do stupid things to the cars of people getting married.
Have you thought about having a ring ceremony? It might be nice for your family, but sometimes it doesn’t feel right, like it is taking away from the temple. It might be better to have a nice family luncheon after the wedding, where the two families can celebrate together.
The big thing will be having people to help. I know Julie offered us to help decorate, but there is also clean-up, and serving food, cake, and punch. The good thing is, you can probably draw upon people in three wards.
For the honeymoon, think about appropriate packing based on activities (too early to know now, but it will go fast), and airport transportation.
On the issue of cake-cutting, people generally take on of two approaches. One is that the bride and groom cut the cake in about the middle of the reception, and then the cake gets served, but this way a lot of people never get cake. This can be fine, but I think usually they intend for everyone to get cake, and it just doesn't happen. There are probably more leftovers this way.
The other common occurrence is that they realize this will be an issue, so what they actually serve the guests is sheet cake, and the wedding cake is more for display. In this case, usually the top tier is saved for the first anniversary, the middle tier is for the bride and groom to slice at the reception, and the bottom tier is a big hunk of foam, frosted like cake. This way is probably easiest in terms of serving, because the sheet cake is easier to slice, but I don't like the thought of wasting perfectly good frosting on styrofoam.
Honestly, I am not sure what I would do myself. I might just slice the cake right at the beginning of the reception. Sure, not many people would see it happen, but how big of a deal is that?
Anyway, those are the issues, so you can think about what you prefer.
By the way, there are guides to cutting on-line, which I think is kind of cool, but if you do it this way I don't see how the thread/floss method can work:
http://www.wilton.com/cakes/cake-cutting-guides/wedding-cake-cutting-guide.cfm
http://www.baking911.com/cakes/cutting_guide.htm
For the number of food crew, it depends on what you are doing. It sounds like you have three tables of food, plus one punch table, and one cake table. You could have one person in charge of each table, but depending on what is being served, and whether or not it needs any in-kitchen preparation, what the adequate number would be could vary widely. I know. That's not very specific.
If the caterer has everything ready and on trays, and the kitchen person is just taking out full trays to replace empty trays, and they don't have to deal with the cake, then I think 3, or maybe even 2 people would be enough. This kind of overlaps with clean-up, but it would be good to add another kitchen person who floats around and clears empty plates and cups from the tables. Some people will throw out their own, but not everyone will.
Julie strongly recommends having someone who keeps an eye on the guest book, favors, and gift table, which ideally will all be near each other. This person would kind of act like a greeter, and can keep anything from going missing. Maybe have two people alternate so they can spend some time inside.
As the last letter was about getting married (and there is a good chance the next two will relate), I am adapting those tips and posting here. After all, a big key to preparedness and provident living is that you are thinking about things and making informed decisions, rather than just letting things happen. So, this kind of works, and if enough people act on the information in the last letter, maybe many people will need this.
Our friend already had already ordered the dress and found a person for the cake and for photography, so there won't be as much information there. It may be a little disjointed since I am combining things from three messages and some live conversation.
Pictures pretty much always take longer than planned, so allow a good amount of time for them. If you will want someone taking pictures both after the temple and at the reception, it may be easier if you are working with a friend or family member.
It sounds like you have already reserved the church building and made arrangements with the temple for the sealing. When we were talking with the woman at the temple, we talked about the marriage license (allow three days to process, good for two months), and that you will need a living ordinance recommend (so you need to meet with your bishops), so I assume those are covered.
It sounds like you have also already ordered the dress. If there are issues with that, I do have a friend who works at David’s Bridal, and maybe she will have suggestions if you need alterations. Along with the dress, you need to think about shoes, hose, jewelry, hair, and make-up. Do you want to do something old, new, borrowed, and blue? At least getting the tuxedo is relatively easy.
(Added: I was really impressed with the workers at the Soho Booth in Washington Square. They tried out different hairstyles, allowing different options, and were really helpful.)
The invitations can be hard, especially because you need to get them ready and mailed out really quickly. It may be best not to go to a traditional print shop for invitations, but instead, see what a copy shop will do. I would try Lazerquick, as they are usually less expensive and less busy than Kinkos. You can also probably get blanks at a party shop and then have the copy shop fill them in. (If you get thank you cards at the same time, you can get them to match.)
Flowers will be the other thing that could be difficult, since this is the height of wedding season and regular floral shops might be really busy. I normally recommend Westside Florists because they give you good value, but again, they might be busy. If you know people with gardens, something could probably be done homemade. Also, you can check at a farmer’s market, and I have a friend who works at the flower mart where the farmers sell to the florists, so she might have some ideas. You will want to think about a bouquet for you, boutonniere, possibly a headpiece, and then maybe décor like centerpieces or background greenery.
That leads to décor for the hall, which doesn’t have to be plant life. Some people do chair backings and tablecloths, or trellises. There are rental places that can help with this, but it depends what you want.
It sounds like you probably already have someone to do the cake. The next thing to consider is other food, which can run the gamut from some bowls of mints and nuts to hot foods or rolls and deli meats, along with plates, cups, and serving utensils. I really recommend looking at the Cash & Carry for this. They have really good prices, and a pretty good selection. You would have to pay cash, but it is affordable. (For napkins, though, you may want a party store to get kind of nicer ones in a wedding color.) We do have a small punch bowl, but you probably know someone with a bigger one.
(Sometimes a groom’s cake is fun. Our sister in law got Lance one shaped like a shoe. Partly it was to give him a chocolate cake, but the shoe was a joke between them that he was always putting his foot in his mouth.)
After that, most of the other concerns aren’t so much where to get things, but just what to do. The last reception we were at had live classical music, but we have been at ones with DJs or just pre-recorded CDs. Do you want dancing? Bouquet and garter tosses? Toasts? An official time for cake cutting? Sometimes people will want all of those things, or maybe special songs by family members, and they will print programs with the schedule of what happens when. That information can also go on the invitation. It is just something to think about.
You will probably want to get a guest book for people to sign, and you should definitely have a table set up for people dropping off presents. You may want to consider setting up some kind of photo display of the two of you. It is also frequent, but not necessary, to provide wedding favors, and/or something for the guests to throw at you when you leave. If you do want this, the party store is still probably the way to go. There is one right by Jones Farm that has a lot of wedding stuff.
I strongly recommend either getting a chauffeured car for the getaway, or having someone you trust guard the car, because people do stupid things to the cars of people getting married.
Have you thought about having a ring ceremony? It might be nice for your family, but sometimes it doesn’t feel right, like it is taking away from the temple. It might be better to have a nice family luncheon after the wedding, where the two families can celebrate together.
The big thing will be having people to help. I know Julie offered us to help decorate, but there is also clean-up, and serving food, cake, and punch. The good thing is, you can probably draw upon people in three wards.
For the honeymoon, think about appropriate packing based on activities (too early to know now, but it will go fast), and airport transportation.
On the issue of cake-cutting, people generally take on of two approaches. One is that the bride and groom cut the cake in about the middle of the reception, and then the cake gets served, but this way a lot of people never get cake. This can be fine, but I think usually they intend for everyone to get cake, and it just doesn't happen. There are probably more leftovers this way.
The other common occurrence is that they realize this will be an issue, so what they actually serve the guests is sheet cake, and the wedding cake is more for display. In this case, usually the top tier is saved for the first anniversary, the middle tier is for the bride and groom to slice at the reception, and the bottom tier is a big hunk of foam, frosted like cake. This way is probably easiest in terms of serving, because the sheet cake is easier to slice, but I don't like the thought of wasting perfectly good frosting on styrofoam.
Honestly, I am not sure what I would do myself. I might just slice the cake right at the beginning of the reception. Sure, not many people would see it happen, but how big of a deal is that?
Anyway, those are the issues, so you can think about what you prefer.
By the way, there are guides to cutting on-line, which I think is kind of cool, but if you do it this way I don't see how the thread/floss method can work:
http://www.wilton.com/cakes/cake-cutting-guides/wedding-cake-cutting-guide.cfm
http://www.baking911.com/cakes/cutting_guide.htm
For the number of food crew, it depends on what you are doing. It sounds like you have three tables of food, plus one punch table, and one cake table. You could have one person in charge of each table, but depending on what is being served, and whether or not it needs any in-kitchen preparation, what the adequate number would be could vary widely. I know. That's not very specific.
If the caterer has everything ready and on trays, and the kitchen person is just taking out full trays to replace empty trays, and they don't have to deal with the cake, then I think 3, or maybe even 2 people would be enough. This kind of overlaps with clean-up, but it would be good to add another kitchen person who floats around and clears empty plates and cups from the tables. Some people will throw out their own, but not everyone will.
Julie strongly recommends having someone who keeps an eye on the guest book, favors, and gift table, which ideally will all be near each other. This person would kind of act like a greeter, and can keep anything from going missing. Maybe have two people alternate so they can spend some time inside.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
July 2009 - Preparing for marriage
Recently I was blogging about the economic downturn, and I suggested that one great way for singles to combat it is by getting married. In the long term it allows you to combine living expenses, but it provides short-term stimulation to the economy as the wedding is arranged and gifts are bought.
This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.
Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.
This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.
Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.
As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.
What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.
· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.
· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.
· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.
· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)
· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.
· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.
An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.
Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.
This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.
Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.
This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.
Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.
As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.
What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.
· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.
· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.
· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.
· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)
· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.
· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.
An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.
Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.
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