Recently I was blogging about the economic downturn, and I suggested that one great way for singles to combat it is by getting married. In the long term it allows you to combine living expenses, but it provides short-term stimulation to the economy as the wedding is arranged and gifts are bought.
This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.
Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.
This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.
Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.
As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.
What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.
· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.
· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.
· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.
· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)
· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.
· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.
An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.
Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.
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