My thorn

In fact, neither my not driving nor my being unemployed ended up being big issues for the calling. Perhaps one lesson from that is that our worries are not always good predictors of the future. 

It doesn't stop new worries from coming. 

Currently the most stressful thing in my life is an inability to focus on my schoolwork.

All the emotions come in there: fear, anger, frustration, embarrassment. 

I have alluded to this before, and trying to change the way I think about it. It remains a problem. 

Procrastinating homework goes way back for me.

I used to attribute it to things coming really easily for me, so I didn't develop good study habits. I have been through multiple rounds of reforming and getting better. I know that I can.

I have thought that I was lazy, but other things show that I am not.  

I think it is more emotional. It isn't just school because it comes up with other responsibilities too.

I will have something I need to do, but it's like I have a mental block and I can't make myself do it. A common pattern is that I will try to just play some Spider Solitaire or something as a quick distraction, but then it isn't quick; it's a time sink. Hours later and I am still not done -- maybe having been thinking the whole time how I need to stop -- and I am telling myself how stupid I am, which is really not productive.

I call this state being "itchy and twitchy". 

I am sure there are issues with dopamine hits, and probably with connection, based on some other things I have read. Anxiety and my brain's specific neurology can play a role.

I have a very demanding schedule to complete my courses this term.

Frankly, it would be impossible if I were employed. Having extra time is good, but I still need to use it productively.

I have been having lots of thoughts and learning, understanding myself better, though still not enough to be fixed.

I have also been praying for a fix, but that has not happened.

That has also been a source of frustration, but I read something recently about healing. One thing referenced Paul.

2 Corinthians 12 

7 ... there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Okay, I am allowed to be imperfect, and it is not the end of the world. I still need to get these assessments done. 

I have been making slow progress. I get some things done, but there are always more undone.

I am trying to be grateful for what is done. There is growth, but then I am like, so that's it? I have one thing done out of seven and there are more added every day, getting further behind? That's supposed to be okay?!?

Yes. Good job. 

You can do more tomorrow.

Okay. 

It feels very important to be here.

It have written more about this on the other blog, but several years ago there were three aspects to me that I realized had specific importance to me: caregiver, writer, and historian. I reflected on what combining those would mean, and even though "teacher" seemed like a logical destination -- and my course of study is education -- what I felt was "healer".

Maybe it is that my broken places are going to heal. 

All of which may seem like a digression, but it is this frustration with our weaknesses and our Savior's understanding of them that leads to the next section of my talk and next week's post. 

On being enough

(This uses some specialized terminology for those who are not members, so there are clarifying notes at the end.) 

I sort of alluded to this in the first of the posts about my talk, but I think I need to expand on it. 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/08/currently-operating-at.html 

One big change for me since being called as a Relief Society presidency councilor is that I am a lot more aware of the struggles of the other women around me.

Some of that is from asking more questions. For example, we are supposed to do ministering interviews once a quarter. For my districts, that's twelve women that I am checking in on regularly on how they are doing with their responsibility to look after another twenty-two women.

(I realize that might be confusing for some, and I see a great need to write about ministering, but that is going to have to be another post.)

Suffice it to say, this new calling has led to more interactions and finding out more, but also sometimes I will just look at someone and feel that they are having a hard time, so there is empathy.

That may be why I felt the need to say this thing in my talk that I also said in a lesson I taught, and that I am going to reiterate now.

Although I did not seriously think about refusing the call (I have turned down a calling, but it's not something I would do lightly), there was a part of me wondering "Shouldn't I have it more together to do this?"

I felt that more for being unemployed at the time and not driving ever. 

I am still unemployed, but at this point I have decided that's okay while I am in school, and there's only four months left of that. When I got the call, I was looking hard for a job and not getting a lot of calls back. I had recently been turned down for one that seemed really promising. My life felt scarier and more in flux than usual.

Not driving has has embarrassed me for years. I think I am pretty much over the trauma that led to it in the first place, but that doesn't make it easy to change either. Sometimes I still think I should just do it, practice some and take the test, but I cannot afford a car or insurance now. Maria suggested saying I have too many DUIs as my excuse for not driving, but I don't think that would be less embarrassing.

Those two factors did not seem promising, but I was still going to do it..

That happened relatively late last year, when we were on the late schedule. The in January we switched to starting at 9 AM. Getting to church on time, or at all, has become much harder than it should.*

This is the first year I have seen how other people struggle with it. It's not everyone, but there are some people for whom it is always hard, some for whom it becomes harder as they age, and some where health problems have made it harder. 

We generally know our own problems, but we don't always know everyone else's. Sure, we are not supposed to compare, but sometimes we do.

So, I find myself admitting it more, though I have been fairly good about that for a while. 

I also have found myself saying -- back to that original question of whether I shouldn't be more together -- that I am not sure any wards have enough together people to fill all the presidencies.* *

That would require at least twenty-one people who have it together. At first you would think that's not that many, but as you get to know people more, having it together or feeling like you do is just rarer than you would have hoped.

And that's great! With imperfect people we serve and love and grow together. 

I have worried at times about plateauing, which is easy to do, but as callings regularly get changed around we keep getting opportunities to grow as we love and serve more. It's what we're here for.

I should note, a member of the stake*** presidency was on the stand, and after he said that he talks to members all the time who feel that same way. 

Now I get that, and I can trace the realization growing, but I did not know it the same way before. 

I think I am finally starting to carry this church understanding into my personal life. 

Notes: 

*A ward is the congregation you meet with, generally based on geography. Wards will share a common building, so for the sake of fairness we rotate starting times annually. My building has three wards, with start times of 9:00 AM, 10:30 AM, and 12 noon.

**Within wards are other organizations, like Primary for children, Young Men and Young Women (probably self-explanatory), Elders Quorum for adult men, Relief Society for adult women, and Sunday School. All of those have a president with two counselors and a secretary, not to mention the bishopric.

*** A stake is a group of wards, and they have their own presidencies. There are seven wards in my stake, sharing three buildings.

As I have loved you

That was the next step, right? "As I have loved you, love one another."

He calls it a new commandment right there, too. 

For the previous iteration, whether we are looking at "Love they neighbor as thyself" or "Do unto others as you would have others do to you", the viewpoint is centered on the self: what would I want?

The distinction might have something to do with our thoughts not being the same as His thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8)

I got into a weird frame of mind here, thinking that it is saying that we should do for people what they need rather than what they want, which doesn't sound good.

There can be a level at which that is true and right. The easiest example may be that parents not letting their child stay up all night or eat only candy, because that would be bad for them. That can be very loving, and something children will appreciate more as they grow. 

However, because there is that element of "I know best" to it, and we often don't know best, it seemed destined for failure.

I understood fairly easily that sometimes people will want different things than we would want. 

I know a lot of people make fun of The Five Love Languages now. I am willing to agree that there are ways in which it oversimplifies, but when I read it I was very impressed. Partners can have different preferences. Sometimes not having your preference honored is really hurtful. 

I know one person who was consistently sad that her boyfriend did not care about birthdays so ignored hers. She knew he didn't care, but she did and she communicated that she did, and he still ignored it. "Loving" her the way he preferred did not feel loving to her. Was that fair or logical? Maybe not, and maybe that was not the most important issue in the breakup. 

It didn't help.

Maybe the reason I struggled with the entire concept was that sometimes we don't know what we want or we want something wrong... would you do give someone something bad for them if that's what they wanted?

Clearly I got caught up in this conundrum where I was fixating on other people's desires rather than how the love of Christ works.

Remember when I spent months on the topic of "Trying to be like Jesus"? (That was from February to August of 2017.) Fortunately there were some insights there. 

One of them started with thinking about the examples we have of the blind being healed, and how the methods were different, where I began to believe there were lessons there.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

I started seeing a pattern of knowledge that was used to make those experiences more personally helpful.

Think of the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9. She wanted to be healed, and believed that just touching his robe would do it. She succeeded, and could have been satisfied with just that.

Identifying her, however, and letting her know that her faith had done it, well... that would give her a greater understanding of spiritual things, which would have an important influence on her life. In addition, being noticed by him, as an individual, must have been very powerful.

The problem with trying to love like Jesus is that we do not have the knowledge or the power to understand what people need and be able to grant it, at least not all of the time.

We do know that he loved us enough and respected our right to choose enough to atone for our sins and heal our infirmities. That can be our sign not to force anything on anyone.

Then, for being loving, we can at least try and be understanding, especially when there are differences.

We can respect others' choices, even when we see clear problems.

We can try and help people without judging whether they got themselves into the mess or not, but we can also be honest about the problems, so not enabling.

That's a difficult balance for imperfect people; we are sure to make mistakes.

He has compassion on us when we make those mistakes, and appreciates our attempts.

Go and do likewise.