Reproving betimes with sharpness...

I have been meaning to get to this since June 23rd.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/06/none-of-this-is-new.html

The post title refers to verse 43 of Doctrine and Covenants Section 121. I had referenced verse 37 on June 23rd.

After going over how unrighteous dominion (attempting to control others and exert authority over them) is wrong, but how it is also something people easily fall into. It talks about how you can exert influence, but "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;" (verse 41). 

Then we get to 43:

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; 

(For the whole thing, please see https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng).

So I had been wanting to get there, but then thinking about how we generally don't have authority, but some people are more likely to try to assume it anyway, while others are more likely to defer to those who try. It also led to thinking about cases where one might have authority, which of course led to parents, and possession. A month later, here we are!

With that, it frequently amazes me how much dominator culture permeates everything; I keep finding new nuances that seem worth exploring.

I hope that readers will start spotting it themselves, and will do their own exploration.

There is an election going on now, and that seems important. It looks like the trend of politics bringing out the worst in people will continue. 

Some people will be very obnoxious and love it. 

Some people will strenuously want to avoid confrontation.

Those people will not be strictly divided along party lines.

You may be wondering what your responsibility is. Can you help? If so, how?

That is not a simple yes/no question.

You may see people posting statements with no connection to reality; is it worth talking to someone like that?

It is impossible to answer for every situation. In terms of things that might be useful at a time that I believe is vitally important, yes, I am working on that. 

I am more likely to say things lately, but I think that will mainly result in people unfriending me. 

Regardless, I think there is a pattern in this verse, not specific to politics but that can apply to that, as well as other situations.

"betimes": This can mean "occasionally", but the older version -- and more likely to apply -- is "early".

Don't let things fester. There may be good reasons to wait until you are alone with someone, but there might also be times when saying it immediately and in the hearing of someone else matters. Even if some waiting seems wise, procrastinating a difficult conversation will probably only make it more difficult.

"with sharpness": That could mean "cutting", but to me it means clarity and precision.

Another potential downfall of procrastinating is that as frustration builds up, it increases the odds of an eruption where everything comes out. That could include things you don't really mean, or things that aren't false but still don't help. What is the real issue? Why is it an issue? If the top priorities are kindness and fairness, being accurate and specific are still right up there.

"showing forth afterwards an increase of love":

Ideally you are also showing love during, but criticism can be hard to take; defensiveness might prevent them from hearing the love right then. If you continue to show love, perhaps more consciously, that can clarify your message.

Sometimes the message will be right, and will be rejected, but it may still be important for you to give it. Maybe it will sink in later, or someone else will hear it... there are so many ways things can be. 

I am grateful for inspiration, but I am going to have a much easier time receiving that inspiration if I am full of love.

Therefore, as easy as it can be to feel angry and appalled, I try not to base my reaction in that.

I don't make a lot of jokes or use nicknames in my own political communication. I believe it doesn't help. (Yes, I am no fun at all.)

I try not to insult anyone's intelligence, even if it really seems deserved. 

This is not saying that political differences aren't important. They are more important than ever. 

It's just that dominator culture will still ruin everything.

Possession

After last week's post, a friend wrote about his relationship with his children, and I started remembering The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.

I wrote about people who view their children as possessions who reflect on them. That can lead to tyranny and harshness, with very little sympathy for the growing pains of gaining maturity. I think many people have rejected that model, though not necessarily without a good substitute.

I see another example of that in parents who want the school systems to validate that their child is superior, often without considering what the needs of other children might be. This can help turn gifted programs into an effective resource drain, and makes me feel weird about my own time in gifted programs, many years ago.

Because in this case their child is elevated and praised, it may be easier to feel good about this, even at the expense of children with fewer advantages. After all, they're not yours.

Allow me to throw in this quote from James Baldwin, which I am thinking about more and more"

“The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality.”

My friend wrote about a respect for his children combined with a sense of responsibility to them. That is appropriate, and I would say it should be natural, though there are other, less positive things that can also be very natural.

What I want to do, then, is review what Lewis said about the first person possessive adjective (or determiner) "my":

The sense of ownership in general is always to be encouraged The humans are always putting up claims to ownership which sound equally funny in Heaven and in Hell and we must keep them doing so...We produce this sense of ownership not only by pride but by confusion. We teach them not to notice the different senses of the possessive pronoun — the finely graded differences that run from “my boots” through “my dog”, “my servant”, “my wife”, “my father”, “my master” and “my country”, to “my God”. They can be taught to reduce all these senses to that of “my boots”, the “my” of ownership… we have taught men to say “my God” in a sense not really very different from “my boots”, meaning “the God on whom I have a claim for my distinguished services…”

“We teach them not to notice the different sense of the possessive pronoun .. . Even in the nursery a child can be taught to mean by "my Teddy-bear" not the old imagined recipient of affection to whom it stands in a special relation (for that is what the Enemy will teach them to mean if we are not careful) but "the bear I can pull to pieces if I like.”

Certainly, if you haven't read the book, I recommend that; I am a big fan of C.S. Lewis in general.

Specific to the topic of dominator culture -- and this goes beyond parenting -- think about what "my" means.

He does write about jealousy over "my time", and how easily people can be put out that way.

This is also an area where it is easy to go wrong in the other direction, not setting boundaries and always putting the demands of others first. That is not healthy, but neither is it healthy to always choose selfishness and to always be focused on you.

It is worth thinking about what is "yours" and what that means. It doesn't have to be children: my family, my friends, my neighbors, my ward, my coworkers.  

Ideally, you like and enjoy them, though that is not always the case. You should care about them. You can probably not control them, and that is as it should be, even if there are circumstances that will make that very frustrating.

It doesn't take much to show you that you are not in complete control of your time. There are things that you can dictate, and things that you can't.

You have control over the choices you make, but not entirely over the choices with which you are presented. 

Speaking of frustrating...

Coming up against the reality that there is so much outside of your control (and there are people who fight that one a lot), the choice to do what you can to make things better is even more important. 

You can choose to respect and to love and to guide.

You can choose to recognize the ways in which you can be an influence for good, or not, and act accordingly.

Personally, my big memory of growing up (and every punishment) was feeling that I was not understood, which made it all seem very unfair. 

It would have meant so much to me if I had believed that my father was even interested in understanding my point of view.  He was very much a "My way or the highway" parent, so why would he care why I did what I did or what I was going for?

As we say, I turned out okay, but I can picture something that would have been better.

 

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Teach the children well

I did offend someone over the last week, but not the way I was expecting. 

I will probably write about that at some point, but now I might as well jump right into parenting, a topic on which I have no personal experience since I was on the receiving end.

Sometimes we will notice children being loud and rowdy at church. Their parents may carry them out or plead with them or try to ignore them or actions you won't notice, but this is a common thing and it is easy to judge.

The reason I thought of this in terms of dominator culture is a combination of things, but one of the ideas at the forefront is wondering whether part of the problem is that many of us were raised where the penalty for being naughty was being beaten. You can know that's not the right answer without knowing what the right answer is, even assuming there is a single right answer.

One of the phrases going around now is "gentle parenting".

Gentle parenting: A parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. 

That does not sound bad, but then you may see parents who say they are doing gentle parenting, but really what they are doing is letting their kids run wild until it's embarrassing, and then bribing them.

(I should point out here that these observations are not all from church. Having a sister who teaches kindergarten and has friends who teach other ages and do a lot of babysitting, we get a lot of input.)

I like that the definition mentions a partnership approach. This is in contrast to an authoritative approach, and the difference between those to approaches is the crux of the difference between dominator culture and partnership culture.

One thing that is worth noting is that I often see posts about people wondering if some people even like kids. 

If you are coming from a dominator culture viewpoint, where your children are possessions that reflect on you, that does not engender love on its own, and when they are acting up -- a thing that happens to the best of children -- and reflecting badly on you, it can engender much more negative feelings.

Wanting them to do well, and being willing to work with them on that, lends itself more easily to loving, but it isn't always an immediate guide.

There are a few things I remember clearly about being a child in sacrament meeting. They do not include being carried out for a spanking (that happened at other places). I remember drawing on the program. I remember believing it was important to be reverent during the sacrament, so repeating "It Shouldn't Be Hard" in my head, even drawing the lyrics on my hand with my finger, trying to concentrate on reverence. 

I also remember looking up once and the speaker said we should read the scriptures every day, and that's when I started. 

The importance of reverence came before an understanding of how to be reverent, but that one thing that you hear can influence your entire life is real, and makes listening worthwhile.

I have seen wonderful articles in church magazines, with ideas. I can't find them all, but of course I have never had to try the tips, so I don't know how effective they are. Probably a lot depends on the child.

Telling some of the things I remember may give some ideas. One father said that when his children needed to be carried out, instead of letting them run around in the foyer he would hold them tightly in a chair. Having more freedom in the foyer was a bad motivation.

One mother noticed her children looking through family photo albums with fascination, so used a small album as a quiet book. As well as family pictures there were pictures of temples and prophets.

As a nursery teacher I remember children shoving each other to get closer to the picture of Jesus, so I can see that working, or backfiring if you have children close in age.

Someone mentioned periodically whispering things like "He's talking about tithing" or "That's Joshua's daddy" to give the child a chance to connect. I also remember seeing hints to practice hymns at home so it would be easy for children to sing along.

Those are gentle guidelines. 

They take longer than spanking; a lot of it is learning that will progress with maturity. They are things that can sink more deeply, in a more positive way.

Let us also remember that children learn a lot by observing -- even more than listening -- so are you reverent? What does that mean to you?

That could require context. For example, if you are looking up scriptures on your phone or taking notes, it might look like you are not paying attention. 

Explaining what reverence means to you and what helps you be reverent can be a wonderful teachable moment.

All of those things require care for your child, but they also require respect. You are talking to an individual who will need to find their own way, and can't be forced. 

And yet, as the parent, sometimes you will need to discipline, and refuse, while holding onto that respect and understanding. 

It can be difficult, and be similar to difficulties you have with others.

That's what we will try and figure out next week.

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Well-meaning abuse of authority

Over the next few posts, it will be very easy to offend people.

Surprisingly, my greatest fear is not that I will offend, but that I am taking too long to get to the point, especially with an election on the way. 

Sometimes we may need to offend people, so perhaps I am in the right headspace. That's not our topic for today, though. Today, I want to talk about bishops who overstep.

You can understand why this is dangerous ground.

The caveats I will add are that I have not run into it that often, personally, and I think that their intentions are generally good. It can still end up being harmful, and correlates with dominator culture.

One thing that is different about the role of a bishop is that judgment is actually part of the calling. That is pretty rare. 

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it is normal for members to receive callings that they do for some time. That can include teaching classes, directing music, and planning activities. There are organizations for adult men and women, youth, and children, generally with a president, two counselors, and a secretary, as well as various teachers. Leaders pray about whom to call and ask you to serve after getting an answer.

https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/calling

These callings are opportunities to serve, and should be done with love.

A bishop is called to serve and love, but he also judges. That means counseling and helping members if they are having problems (which could be due to sin, but may not be), as well as tithing settlement annually and temple recommend interviews.

Despite that, the judgment can be far less intrusive than you think. 

For example, in tithing settlement, the bishop asks if you are a full-tithe payer, and you answer "yes" or "no". There is usually some social chat -- "how are you doing?" -- and there can certainly be discussion if you have a more complex answer. If you say that you have fallen behind in your tithing and are trying to make up for it, there could be some discussion and encouragement there. 

What you generally do not have are any probing questions. You do not get asked whether you pay on the net or gross, or have the bishop request to see your W-2s and compare the totals. 

You do get a printout of your contributions, which most people use for the charitable deduction. The bishop ask you if it looks right so that errors can be corrected, but I have hardly ever even seen the bishop glance at those figures. Those are for you!

There has been an exception.

In one ward we had a new bishop, and he did look at everyone's fast offerings.

He was very open about this, encouraging everyone to increase their fast offerings. He said he was doing this, and I know that he looked over the totals because he saw that mine were really high and commended me for that, then still emphasized the importance of generous fast offerings.

(https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2020/05/talking-about-money.html)

This was inappropriate.

I know his intentions were good. I know you are blessed for generous offerings. I know people who followed his advice and were blessed.

It would not have been bad for him to testify or speak about generous fast offerings, or maybe even to add that as part of his counsel during tithing settlement, but the way he did it pushed against the limits of his calling.

He tended in that direction anyway, especially on the topic of marriage (it was a singles ward). I know someone he really helped, but I also know someone he alienated.

That's the kind of thing that can happen when you truly want to help, but you are so sure that you know best that it seems to justify coercion.

I know of one person through mutual acquaintances who no longer attends church after being questioned on an "unnecessary" sports car.

Here are some more caveats:

It is possible to spend money in ways that are not good for you. Flashy, luxury items could easily be a part of that. It is certainly possible that an appropriate mention could be made and someone would still be offended and tell a biased version of that story. 

I don't believe that is what happened.

(And while materialism can be bad, there is a lot to be said for getting to have some things that you like, and they don't have to be what other people would choose.)

The even more damaging thing you hear is about some bishops adding extra questions to whether you obey the law of chastity, being intrusive and sometimes creating some very disturbing thoughts.

That is not to say that there can't be times when inspiration will guide to an extra question, or a bishop will feel a prompting to check on someone. I have seen that happen. 

It needs to be based in love and care for the individual, not a sense of superiority and entitlement.

I'm not saying it's easy, but why would any of it be?

And of course, the majority of people don't end up in a judging position anyway. 

Many more do get to be parents, an area where there are many opportunities to correct, and where I still have no personal experience.

Will I hurt feelings and offend next week? I won't be trying to, but I can't rule it out.

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