Teach the children well

I did offend someone over the last week, but not the way I was expecting. 

I will probably write about that at some point, but now I might as well jump right into parenting, a topic on which I have no personal experience since I was on the receiving end.

Sometimes we will notice children being loud and rowdy at church. Their parents may carry them out or plead with them or try to ignore them or actions you won't notice, but this is a common thing and it is easy to judge.

The reason I thought of this in terms of dominator culture is a combination of things, but one of the ideas at the forefront is wondering whether part of the problem is that many of us were raised where the penalty for being naughty was being beaten. You can know that's not the right answer without knowing what the right answer is, even assuming there is a single right answer.

One of the phrases going around now is "gentle parenting".

Gentle parenting: A parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. 

That does not sound bad, but then you may see parents who say they are doing gentle parenting, but really what they are doing is letting their kids run wild until it's embarrassing, and then bribing them.

(I should point out here that these observations are not all from church. Having a sister who teaches kindergarten and has friends who teach other ages and do a lot of babysitting, we get a lot of input.)

I like that the definition mentions a partnership approach. This is in contrast to an authoritative approach, and the difference between those to approaches is the crux of the difference between dominator culture and partnership culture.

One thing that is worth noting is that I often see posts about people wondering if some people even like kids. 

If you are coming from a dominator culture viewpoint, where your children are possessions that reflect on you, that does not engender love on its own, and when they are acting up -- a thing that happens to the best of children -- and reflecting badly on you, it can engender much more negative feelings.

Wanting them to do well, and being willing to work with them on that, lends itself more easily to loving, but it isn't always an immediate guide.

There are a few things I remember clearly about being a child in sacrament meeting. They do not include being carried out for a spanking (that happened at other places). I remember drawing on the program. I remember believing it was important to be reverent during the sacrament, so repeating "It Shouldn't Be Hard" in my head, even drawing the lyrics on my hand with my finger, trying to concentrate on reverence. 

I also remember looking up once and the speaker said we should read the scriptures every day, and that's when I started. 

The importance of reverence came before an understanding of how to be reverent, but that one thing that you hear can influence your entire life is real, and makes listening worthwhile.

I have seen wonderful articles in church magazines, with ideas. I can't find them all, but of course I have never had to try the tips, so I don't know how effective they are. Probably a lot depends on the child.

Telling some of the things I remember may give some ideas. One father said that when his children needed to be carried out, instead of letting them run around in the foyer he would hold them tightly in a chair. Having more freedom in the foyer was a bad motivation.

One mother noticed her children looking through family photo albums with fascination, so used a small album as a quiet book. As well as family pictures there were pictures of temples and prophets.

As a nursery teacher I remember children shoving each other to get closer to the picture of Jesus, so I can see that working, or backfiring if you have children close in age.

Someone mentioned periodically whispering things like "He's talking about tithing" or "That's Joshua's daddy" to give the child a chance to connect. I also remember seeing hints to practice hymns at home so it would be easy for children to sing along.

Those are gentle guidelines. 

They take longer than spanking; a lot of it is learning that will progress with maturity. They are things that can sink more deeply, in a more positive way.

Let us also remember that children learn a lot by observing -- even more than listening -- so are you reverent? What does that mean to you?

That could require context. For example, if you are looking up scriptures on your phone or taking notes, it might look like you are not paying attention. 

Explaining what reverence means to you and what helps you be reverent can be a wonderful teachable moment.

All of those things require care for your child, but they also require respect. You are talking to an individual who will need to find their own way, and can't be forced. 

And yet, as the parent, sometimes you will need to discipline, and refuse, while holding onto that respect and understanding. 

It can be difficult, and be similar to difficulties you have with others.

That's what we will try and figure out next week.

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