Christmas Gifts: Knowledge

I thought I would do one post on how grateful I am for the Spirit. That is a big one, not only for the things I know through the Spirit, but also for the comfort.

I could probably spend a whole post on that, but then I started thinking about other things that I do know or feel because of the Spirit. I might sense some of them without having been raised in the church, but others I would not.

So I am grateful to have a Father in Heaven and a Heavenly Mother as well. I know sometimes having difficult parents on Earth makes it hard for people to build relationships with their parents in Heaven.

I can't say there are no issues there, yet I do have that sense of parental love and being watched over. I can see many times when that love has been communicated; communicated often enough to compensate for my difficulty in accepting it. For that I am very grateful.

I am also grateful for the Atonement and the brother who not only loved us enough to do it, but was also able to do it. I don't know that I am am always weighed down with a sense of sin or death, but when those are felt, they can hit hard; I know that those burdens can be lifted.

Believing in the importance of ordinances would be awful without knowing about temples, but we do.

I am also very grateful for being raised believing the Word of Wisdom. 

It is too easy to look around at some of my own issues (and some of the issues with family members) and be very pessimistic that if I had started drinking or using drugs that I could ever stop. Truthfully, other people do amazing jobs of not making those things look tempting, but if you start young enough you may not notice that.

I am better off this way.

No matter how much frustration I have with the way we view chastity through a patriarchal lens, I nonetheless can see that with my sensual nature and my difficulty in feeling loved by people or feeling at all attractive, it would have been easy to make a lot of choices that would be regretted (and would not have fixed the deficit in feeling loved or attractive).

I am grateful for being raised with that belief.

I am grateful for prayer and scriptures. 

I am grateful for the growth I have experienced through church callings.

Finally, I have known many wonderful people through church and had good experiences. 

If that part is a little shaky now, it is only that too many of us have allowed divisiveness and judgment to dull our sense of love, despite multiple scriptures telling us that is the most important thing.

I know it is not too late.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Gifts: The Temple

I remember once saying that I did not so much like going to the temple as having gone to the temple. 

It is a significant time investment. When you don't have enough time, you feel that. I don't dislike being there, but at least for me it is more about what is accomplished there than the experience of accomplishing it.

I still believe in the importance of that work with my whole heart.

All four of my grandparents were dead before I was born, but I have felt that pull to them and the generations beyond them.

I submitted my first names to the temple when I was in junior high, and I think another two batches before I was out of college. 

When I say I felt a "pull"... it was not just that I could feel caring about them, but I have felt them reaching out to me, asking for their work done. When I would remember things, or I would suddenly get more names from a relative outside of the church -- sometimes ones I had never even known existed -- then I knew that they wanted their work done, and they were providing a way.

I could never not believe that those ordinances are true and important.

In the temple, I have felt that whatever my life was lacking, what I did there had value, and that it was enough.

In the temple, I have felt a happiness that was not my own, but it made me happy to feel their happiness.

I have felt reassurances there, and seen that I was remembered. 

When I was younger, it seemed like I could never go to the temple without finding someone I knew there. That doesn't happen so much now, but it is still a place of connection. 

This is a short one, so I will add one other thought. 

I have said that currently I am reading old conference talks. I just finished April 1990.

I never watched conference then, though I read the church magazines somewhat reliably. That changed shortly after I graduated from high school in June of 1990. Going to a singles ward and going off to college got me more diligent, apparently. I remember loving all of the leaders and knowing the names and faces of the First Presidency and the apostles by the time I was on my mission.

Approaching the October 1990 conference (and seeing some things that aren't so great along the way), I have been wondering how these talks that I know I watched and felt good about will feel. There has been some trepidation.

Then I remembered that I grew to appreciate Brigham Young more after coming to terms with him being racist. 

We have to let people have their imperfections.

It will be okay.

Christmas Gifts: My mission

For these posts, the "gifts" sounds like they are focused on gratitude, but they are also a way of affirming my testimony. Maybe that is my gift to readers, or just that I am grateful for my testimony.

I am grateful for my mission, and know that it was the right thing to do. for which I am also grateful.

That is impressive if we remember this post:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2016/12/sharing-that-i-cant-share.html 

That post is a week shy of being six years old. A lot has happened, but it is still an accurate summary of my feelings. I cannot do missionary work the way things currently are; but at one time it was absolutely what I needed and wanted to do.

Of course I learned and grew a lot on it. Some of that was very painful, and I understand much of it better now. 

Speaking of the passage of time, I am coming up on the 30th anniversary of my departure. That is a lot of water under the bridge, yet some things still feel so close. There are some expressions that are still more natural to me in Lao than in English. 

For gratitude, obviously I am grateful for what I learned. 

I am grateful for the people. I was not really able to maintain the majority of those relationships, but the love was real and I still feel that warmth.

(Not knowing how many of them voted for Trump helps.)

I am also grateful for how clearly I knew that I needed to go.

I had a testimony before, and felt the Spirit in various ways, but I'd never had that "burning in my bosom". 

The process of me being called to go -- when I had never wanted to -- included strong circumstantial hints that I tried to ignore, actually heard words, and then feeling like my whole being was full of fire and light. 

Given my initial attitude, that clarity was probably necessary, but it was also amazing to experience and know. Then, in the process of serving there was so much guidance, and inspiration. A mission is not the only experience where you can have that kind of link, but given the focus, serving as a missionary may invite the Spirit more than most other things you can do.

I remember navigating once when we did not have the full address or the map, but it felt important to go and it actually did end up mattering that we made it. 

I remember translating for Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin in a stake conference, and the words literally flowed through me without any thought. 

I remember knowing the right things to say sometimes that were beyond my own knowledge and language ability.

Of course I have a hard time with the way things are now, but it doesn't change the reality of what was.

Not too long ago I was reading my patriarchal blessing, and it mentioned bringing people into the Kingdom; it said "Kingdom" and not "Church". If I help people with other parts of their journey, maybe that is okay.

Otherwise, I feel like a lot of my path now is calling members to repentance (perfecting the Saints). Am I doing enough with this blog? With my callings and ministering? Well, I try; but I may not have that same clarity all the time now.

I do know that people matter, and I hope that my life reflects that.

Christmas Gifts: Examples of indeterminate quality

I worry sometimes that I sound more negative than I am.

Well, I am pretty negative, but that doesn't change my faith. I understand that it is possible to start losing sight of the good and feel like you are drowning in bad. 

I don't want to lose faith myself, but I also don't think that is likely. I know what my feelings are and what I do to maintain them and my reasons for staying.

I also don't want to be a harmful influence on anyone else, and I have a lot less knowledge about the possibilities there.

Based on my experience, people who stop going to church generally have many reasons; it isn't necessarily likely that I would tip the balance. It is also very important to me that what I do is good, and that it helps instead of hurts.

This is my long way of saying that I want to spend a few posts on things that I am grateful for and things that I know are true.

I will start with the one that might sound the most negative, and yet it isn't.

We have covered before that I both believe Brigham Young was a prophet and that he was racist. 

Also already covered: that God accepts the work and service and attempts of imperfect people, for which we should all be grateful. 

At some point after my talk -- where I had brought up a Brigham Young quote, but also where I have been seeing other things he said -- my testimony of him as a prophet grew stronger. It actually required making peace with him being racist, rather than trying to gloss it over or ignore it.

And you know, I am sure he is not racist now, that he has learned. That doesn't take away from real harm being done because of it, but deeply imperfect people can continue to grow, and sometimes that growth might be easier after the perspective that comes with death and getting away from all the things that society does. It's better to get over those things here, but the odds of perfection being achieved during mortality are low, based on everything we know.

With this also being the Old Testament study year, I have been able to think of some other examples of prophets who were imperfect, and yet they were still prophets.

(Let me just add from the New Testament that I believe Paul was a strong and inspired man who was also a chauvinist and a crank.)

So let us remember that Jonah was disobedient, not just refusing to serve as directed but actually trying to run away from it. Then he was irritated and petty that his work was accepted and Nineveh repented, and that his gourd died. He must have preached powerfully given his impact on the Ninevites, but he clearly had some issues. He was clearly still a prophet.

(Obviously all of these examples are going to take the scriptures at face value.)

Balaam was a prophet, yet he still wanted those riches and tried to ignore not only his inner voice but his donkey's actions.Nonetheless, he was still a prophet, and at least at that point he only blessed Israel. Then greed won and he gave Balak a loophole, which caused much damage and makes Balaam our worst example. However, the person who did all that was still capable of receiving revelation.

Often, people in the Old Testament are pretty horrible, which made it easier to think of this, but my thoughts really started with Noah and the story of him getting drunk after the flood. 

Now, the footnotes say he was not drunk but overcome by the Spirit. That could be true, but getting drunk would be a very human.

We mainly associate Noah with the ark and the lives saved that way, but he was trying to save more lives with his preaching. He faced rejection for years. Having been a missionary, you can still really care about people who don't accept your message. 

They all died.

It is easy to imagine horrible trauma, and wine was not forbidden them. It would be easy to just keep drinking, and that would not make him not a prophet.

I think a mistake we often make is to consider some kinds of sins (especially the sex and drugs ones) as somehow much worse than others, where only really bad people will do them. Lots of very kind people with great integrity will do very human things that they do not happen to believe are sin, or at least very bad sins.

Ultimately, we should all be loving and helping each other. 

That does not mean being silent in the face of bad doctrine or accepting bigotry, but it doesn't have to mean that we hate them, either, or don't consider them capable of any other good.

It's a difficult balance, and I am not sure I always handle it right myself, but I will continue to try, in my own manner of imperfect but willing.

Attack

These past few posts have been responding to recent things. I worry about being reactive rather than proactive; will I really make any progress?

But how do I ignore a man with LDS roots shooting up a gay bar on the eve of the Transgender Day of Remembrance?

I can't even promise that this will be a coherent post, but there are some things that I want to say, and then I guess I hope that a week can go by without some new terrible thing happening.

First of all, though I am almost positive that the shooter's claim to be non-binary is a cynical ploy suggested by the lawyers, I am glad to read articles respecting that and using "they/them" for the shooter. Respecting pronouns is so easy that it is the least we can do. Let's make sure that we also do that for people who are not mass murderers.

It is possible that someone who was not cisgender or heterosexual would target people in what should be their community? Absolutely. It still seems suspect in this case.

I also understand that there were some people wanting to prepare some kind of petition or something directed at Elder Holland for his "muskets" speech, perhaps assigning some responsibility.

I can see that, but it is ignoring other issues that are important.

First of all, it is questionable how involved in the church the shooter was anyway. Without having looked into it that much, that is a troubled family (they seem to be pretty consistently politically conservative) and who had the most influence on the shooter is questionable.

In addition, while Elder Holland's talk was over a year ago, there has been increasing commentary from all over the right targeting transgender and homosexual people, equating them with groomers and sexual predators targeting children. These are blatant lies, but that doesn't stop the repetition. 

The church is not good enough on this issue, but we are not the ones driving it.

It does drive home the point that being accused of bigotry is such a minor complaint when you see the things that happen to marginalized people. That is a reason to be ashamed of that talk. It's embarrassing.

The other thing is that we really need to look at patriarchy.

It wasn't the only shooting recently. It never is anymore.

We should think about how a culture where being weak or having lower status is shameful, and yet if you don't have a way of earning more money or gaining more prestige, the go to solution seems to be violence. That violence is more likely to be targeted against those who are deemed of lower value by patriarchy: women, people of color, queer people... society lends a certain permission there.

It is worth noting that right-wing politicians are not even murmuring their "thoughts and prayers" platitudes so much this time, but leaning in to the abuse lies that justify it. The right's reaction to the Pulse shooting was bad, but this is worse.

Yes, groomers are real, but they are mostly white men. They are the teachers who run off with students, or the fathers and grandfathers who molest their children and grandchildren. We all know of these cases, but that doesn't fit the image of how things are supposed to be. 

Yes, the world is not what it should be. Targeting the people that you feel like you have permission to target is not the answer. 

Let's be honest about that.

Where your treasure is...

There have been some rather spectacular value reductions lately.

First, FTX -- an exchange for various cryptocurrencies -- has gone into bankruptcy proceedings, leaving many people unable to access their funds. Part of the problem may have been a secret backdoor that allowed money to be transferred without updates to the financial records.

https://www.cnbc.com/2022/11/12/1-billion-to-2-billion-of-ftx-customer-funds-missing-report.html

It is unclear whether this has changed the mind of anyone who thought the lack of regulation on crypto was a feature and not  a bug.

In addition, Tesla stock has been trending downward. 

One interesting aspect of that is that with Twitter stock having been delisted, I can't help but wonder if there would have been the same effect on Tesla if Twitter were still publicly traded. There would still be reason for the Tesla drop, as the company shares are now tied to the Twitter purchase, and the purchaser is displaying horrible management skills, acting exactly as if his wealth and ego made him believe he was the genius his fans claim he is, despite a disturbing lack of evidence.

Plus Teslas keep bursting into flames and getting involved in fatal collisions. 

That's the kind of thing that hurts investors' confidence, and the stock market is based largely on confidence. If people believe the stock will increase in value, the demand to purchase it goes up, and that in itself increases the value.

If you can hold on, meaning if you have enough real assets that you don't need to sell your depreciated stocks, the stocks will often recover. Sometimes they don't, but more to the point, poorer people may not be able to wait. I believe that the 2008 crash was a big factor in the spread of income inequality, but probably also where the church's hedge fund really started getting big.

This post is not about that, but I want to make three points about "investment" based on things that we know and believe.

My family has been enjoying reruns of Barney Miller. There was one recurring character, Mr. Brauer, who was always getting into some new craze. His frustrated wife Harriet (played by Doris Roberts) would seek help from the police. 

The first time it was because he was converting all their assets into gold, including emptying their savings and selling their furniture. He was doing this in anticipation of an economic collapse, where their current cash would be worthless.

"Do you want to have to roll a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread?"

Other episodes featured other people trying to prepare for economic collapse, becoming survivalists or finding other ways to buck the system. 

It's not that there haven't been economic problems, but there was never really that collapse where you needed gold, though you will still periodically see commercials urging you to do it. However, it assumes that someone who has something of value will want gold. 

If you want bread, maybe you should purchase flour and yeast.

The idea of food storage and other forms of provident living are old concepts to us. How well we follow them is another question, but they do make sense.

Food storage may not as easily fit into the scripture referenced in the title, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matthew 6:21) 

It does fit in with knowing what matters. As useful as various items can be as a means of economic exchange, in the absence of the need for exchange those items revert back to their intrinsic worth.  Gold is pretty and malleable, so has some usefulness in that way. Green paper -- or digital or paper records of things that were bought and can be sold as long as someone else is willing to buy -- is less obviously valuable. 

In the absence of that kind of value, the desire to accumulate more can function as a kind of addiction, where it can never be enough, no matter how many zeros you add to the total.* 

Therefore, it seems worthwhile to consider how much of environmental destruction, attacks on personal worth via advertising, and exploitation of labor happens because of capitalism's need for "more".

Consumer confidence is often boosted, leading to a rise in stock prices, because of harmful practices like layoffs at companies that are making a profit, but just not getting that stock boost. 

When you look at the companies that really do collapse (oh hey, there was just a sentence for the Theranos fraud), there is often some kind of malfeasance or at least wild arrogance involved, that integrity could have prevented.

There is a negative relationship between how we value people and how we value money. 

People need to be our treasure.

That leads to the third point: how you invest your treasure.

A stock portfolio can shrink away before you have a chance to spend it. Many women have saved up for retirement travel with their first husbands, then been widowed and gone with their second husbands, or perhaps not gone at all as health issues came with aging. That saving and putting off sounds prudent, but simply may not work out.

Temporal life is built on being temporary. If you feed someone, they will get hungry again. If you fund someone's medical care, they will still eventually die.

Regardless of that, when we give from love and do things to make people's lives better, there is a very real way in which is cannot be taken away. Not only will our hearts stay there, but that giving will stay with our hearts.

As we start a season of giving in perilous times, let us consider what things have eternal worth. 

This doesn't rule out fleeting joys and pleasures, those moments of rest and shared enjoyment can have great worth, increasing our bonds and refreshing our souls.

I can't tell you how or if to plan for retirement, but you can make those decisions with eternal perspective.

*Wealth acquisition as an addiction comes partly from Charles Eisenstein and his book Sacred Economics, but I can't refer to it enthusiastically as there were so many bad ideas around that pretty good one.

Examining education

The member I mentioned last week was not the only local member running for office. 

Just as he lost his race for the Oregon senate, there was another member running for the Oregon house, as a sort of a sequel to his failed run for the Hillsboro school board. 

I am thinking about that more because of seeing the complaints of yet another church member regarding the schools, and how bad they are and how we needed his leadership.

There were some missing points that I feel need to be addressed.

The member had a long litany of grievances when pressed. They included the lack of deadlines on assignments or penalties for turning work in late, the ability to retake tests, the use of sentence frames, and a lack of constructive feedback. In addition, she was upset about the lack of gifted programs in middle school, complained that answers were given during the lessons, and while it was not brought up in her original complaint, when someone else mentioned the lack of family values, she heartily agreed.

Let me just start by saying that some of the complaints don't make a lot of sense. For example, on the one about the teacher giving the answers during class, meaning instruction? The complaints relating to tests and homework would indicate that something has to be done with the instruction later. Is the concern that there should be more mystery? More things that need to be solved via lengthy homework? Because they are finding that is not beneficial for students.

https://news.stanford.edu/2014/03/10/too-much-homework-031014/

Clearly there is a concern that the work is too easy, with the sentence frames being a part of that, but sentence frames are prompts, often used to guide longer writing. If there are truly students that are weak on grammar and sentence structure, those prompts might help them without damaging the students who are stronger. I am not sure that is a real problem. 

There was definitely a concern that the work is too easy, and this will result in students who don't know how to work, but I can guarantee this is not true for at least two of the complaints. If you get all of the assignments turned in by the end of the year, having procrastinated or been distracted by personal issues or only recently becoming engaged by the teacher, I assure you that getting that all caught up will not be easy. It will take a lot of effort and it shows motivation. 

In addition, if after having done badly on a test you understand where you went wrong and want to try again, that is not a bad thing. It is more work, not less work.

It is not even unprofessional. I had just read a post from a college instructor on making all deadlines flexible. It worked great, and commenters likened it to their office experiences:

https://twitter.com/margosteines/status/1590074378443948033?

All in all, these things seem downright humane, giving students who struggle a change to overcome those struggles.

Of course, this parent has a child who is brilliant, and being held back by not getting specific feedback on her good work and not being able to participate in gifted programs.

As a participant in gifted programs, I don't remember them doing much. I do know that they are really effective at hoarding resources to the students who are already better off. 

https://hechingerreport.org/proof-points-what-research-tells-us-about-gifted-education/ 

https://nypost.com/2021/10/28/schools-debate-gifted-and-talented-programs-racist/ 

The racism correlations are interesting, in that they are more popular in the South, and that is not where the highest overall test scores are.

So, let's talk about those family values. 

I posted a LOT about those school board elections (11 posts, first one at https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/05/2021-school-board-elections-quick.html). I remember their values clearly:

Schools must be opened to in person learning right away (this was before any vaccines)
No teaching of critical race theory (which really means any acknowledgment of the presence of racism or judgment against it)
No affirmation of differences in gender and sexuality (which would also tend to support that historic prompt to academic greatness: bullying!)

Sure, they might have said that those other values were taking away from real teaching time, but the only strategy for greater academic rigor was leaving poor kids behind. To be fair, that could have easily incorporated gifted programs.

I think about ways to facilitate learning all the time, just as a matter of personal passion; I really care about this.

But if you mainly want school to be about affirming that your child is special, you should be supporting a tax level that allows for a lower student-to-teacher ratio. If you think your child is that much more special than all of the others, that may be appropriate in a parent but cannot be for the teachers.

One other things... I have not given any names here. I assume the failed (thankfully) political candidates are easy to identify and am fine with that, and have some concerns that the complaining private citizen might be identifiable. And yet, they end up being so much on script, I can't help but suspect there are other church members and parents saying the exact same things. 

It's like the 40% of Beaverton school district students identifying as non-binary when the national average is only 10%. Neither of those numbers are right, and I don't think the person repeating them is deliberately lying, but someone was, and their communication methods appear to be effective.

Are sentence frames the new pronouns? Not yet, but that is even better! Because some of those twisted liberals who won't give in to the outright bigotry might still fall for academic concerns that just happen to be misguided.

It shouldn't even be surprising, then, that the misguided complaints happen to correspond with racism and capitalism. That was practically inevitable.

Why third parties don't work

This is not going to be about the numbers.

I am writing this because a local church member (and locally fairly prominent) is running as an unaffiliated, non-partisan candidate, despite being a lifelong Republican.

In the past, it has not been unusual for a certain percentage of Mormons to not want to be Republican like everyone else. Usually the answer to that was to say they considered themselves more Libertarian.

I had seen the signs around town, and then I saw that he was one of the sponsors for the non-partisan gubernatorial candidate; none of that was surprising. 

I was a little surprised to see a postcard addressed to a household member from someone we know, encouraging her to vote for him, as he is what the community needs.

That is why I have been thinking about it more.

Usually when I write about the problems with third parties, it is pointing out that people on the left cannot downplay their interest in racial equality as a way to appeal to conservatives because we will never sound as reliably racist as the Republicans. If that is the voters' issue (disappointingly, it plays a prominent role), our efforts there won't work.

Perhaps not surprisingly, some Republicans now find themselves in a similar boat. If they are not wholly in the cult -- where the open racism, projected fraud claims, and insurrections seem a bit far -- they are still surrounded by cult members in their party.

The apparent solution then is to try and lure people who aren't steeped in QAnon over to their side.

In much the same way, it is not going to work. We know that your hearts are still conservative; we can tell by how much of your focus is on crime, which is not nearly as rampant as you keep saying it is. We know because when you refer to the Republican candidate being too extreme, you don't specify what level of extreme would be okay for you. 

We know.

This is not to put Democrats or liberals or especially Progressives on a pedestal; we have the same problems with racism. That is a feature, not a bug.

Today isn't about Democrats, though; it is about people who have been very comfortable being Republicans until the dog whistles turned to fog horns. This is about people who were okay with rumors of police brutality because that is just criminals, and then you keep seeing different videos and you can't deny that it looks wrong.

As people of faith, believing in the priceless value of truth and the worth of souls, going back to the dog whistles should not be sufficient. If it was comfortable then because of what you did not know, this is time to move past ignorance. There's a saying that when you know better, you do better. Well, not everyone, but we should.

For this election, I hope that Oregon is still liberal enough that the Democrats will win. Not because they are perfect, but because they will still be better. 

I honestly don't know. Last time around things worked out for the Hillsboro and Beaverton school districts, but they sure didn't for Newberg. Those repercussions are still happening.

The past few years have given ample evidence that the two parties are not the same. If you find that you are unable to stand up to your party and exert an influence when they veer badly off the rails, spend some time pondering that.

Dear conservatives, please consider what it is that you are trying to conserve.

I try and hope for the future, but I would sure love to stop seeing people I know from church being in the vanguard of the problem.

It was right there all along

There is one thought that keeps coming back to me.

My concern generally boils down to the ways we try and control each other instead of loving each other and letting each other be. That is dominator culture, and that is something I will write about more.

I have mentioned before that I am going through old conference talks (currently in October 1988). Earlier this year as we started studying the Old Testament, I also kept remembering all of these great articles from 1990, so I started reading the old Ensigns from that year. I didn't find all of them, and then some were in 1994, but there was a time period where the church magazines seemed to offer a lot more depth. I have added going over the Ensigns for 1990, 1994, and 1998 for each month this year, and will then do subsequent cycles until we get around to the Old Testament again.

New Testament: 1991, 1995, 1999
Book of Mormon: 1992, 1996, 2000
Doctrine & Covenants: 1993, 1997, 2001

I am not reading every page, but most of the 1990 ones and then looking at headlines in the other two for which ones are more scripture specific or sound more interesting. Rarely the News of the Church, because that is old, but always the Mormon Journal.

I am finding a lot of what I remembered, which is good. What I may not have remembered but always comes through is the importance of home and visiting teaching, now ministering.

That is in the articles and personal stories and the conference talks, and I know that it was often not done. 

That was what we needed all along. To take a role in caring for someone that you may not have a lot in common with, but that you get to know them, and that you think about their needs, and that you actively care about them.

I think so many of the changes that we make in programs are to try and get people to individualize more, and think about what is needed.

For example, there was a time when Homemaking was generally a different craft project every month. Then there was Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment so that you think more about what is needed in different areas, where maybe it is about dealing with stress or finding fun activities in the area. I once taught one on cooking with vegetables that was needed and great.

But we are not always great at listening to the Spirit, and we are not always great at love. That makes sense because they work together.

There was a time when I visit taught some sisters who were okay with the monthly lesson, and there was one who really needed it, but also my companion at that time always had a way of not being available because she kind of hated that sister (jealousy). I walked to her apartment and taught her alone, and we made that work.

I have had more sisters that had no interest in lessons, but sometimes we could do cards or phone calls or go out to lunch. I called one sister who was trying to make herself get to bed earlier every night for a few weeks to remind her to start ending her activities and get to bed. There were so many differences between them all, but I remember feeling love a lot, and feeling the Spirit. The Spirit made my love grow and helped me know how to help them, and the love made it easier to invite the Spirit.

It's much easier for hate to sink in when you haven't been touching base like that all along.

Peer Pressure

I was at a meeting recently for youth leaders (yes, it was a church meeting) where the question came up of how to love and support the youth as they navigate gender identity questions among their peers.

Yes, it was a church meeting asking about loving and supporting. I am glad that is something they are thinking about. 

In general I thought it was handled pretty well. If anyone is wondering, policy is that we address people by their preferred name, though there was one set of parents that requested the leaders continue using the birth name (dead-naming), and I did hear one person bristling as they said the words "gender-neutral name".

There was also a tactfully stated concern about reaching out for someone who is not coming to participate in Young Women's when they do not feel like a young woman... like ignoring them seems wrong, but reaching out seems disrespectful... I get the concern. As it is, in terms of changing organizations or something, that goes to the bishop, and I think that's is reasonable, though I don't know that it would work out well.

The topic of this post is more from one question where someone started talking about being aware of the bubble the youth are in. Her claim was that the national average is only 10% transgender, whereas in Beaverton School District it is 40%, and kids are always being asked "what" they are.

This is where all of my hackles went up, along with my hand.

I bet I can predict her school board votes.

Regarding the data, I don't believe she intentionally lied but I think there is bad misunderstanding  there. That could relate to our frequent difficulty in sorting out gender and sexuality, which are different, even if they can all be celebrated at Pride (though some of the gatekeeping that happens there... that's another story.)

I did recently see that 43% of transgender Americans are young adults or teenagers. That is not regional, but may indicate that older people who remained closeted for years may find it easier to remain there. 

Otherwise, the numbers remain pretty consistent.

https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/trans-adults-united-states/

This includes percentages by state and region. Neither Oregon (1.8% 13-17, 1.57% 18-24) nor the West (1.62% 13-17, 1.14% 18-24) are particularly high. 

The page states that this includes gender-nonconforming, so that should also take in non-binary youth.

Now, let's look at the United States over all, by age:

13 - 17: 1.43%
18 - 24: 1.31%
25 - 64: .45%
over 65: .32% 

Yes, more youth (and young adults) are gender-nonconforming than adults, but I don't think the rate has changed.

I think what has changed is that not only is there more ability to know that these are things, and that if you somehow feel different from how you "should" be that you are not the only one, but also there is more likelihood of being able to find support for that.

Which is wonderful unless you consider it to be an abomination, or if you think it is all fake pressure brought on by Babylon.

The main thing I said - and I didn't turn over tables, and I think I helped one other person say something, and I know I helped another person not have to say something - was that viewing it in this way is not going to be loving or respectful, because you are coming with the attitude that these things that they feel and are trying to figure out are not real. 

I know so many youth not in the church who are straight and gender-conforming, but what they are is supportive of other people. That is wonderful. That is what the "Don't Say Gay" people are fighting against, and we should not be on their side.

Even the church officially says that the feelings aren't a sin. If we ever really disentangle chastity from patriarchy we could really have something there. 

I promise you that keeping the ignorance there doesn't help anyone deal with it better. Yes, letting them voice their thoughts and feelings and identities, and find support for them, may result in choices that you don't like, but more choices are available with more knowledge, including more good choices.

The other thing I said referred to an earlier part of the meeting where we were looking at numbers, and they had gone down.

I know lots of heterosexual cisgender young people through my friends outside of the church, but I also know quite a few youth and young adults who are bisexual or nonbinary or transgender or homosexual. I know them because I know their parents from church, and none of them are currently coming to church. In some cases their siblings and parents aren't either.

If there is peer pressure, maybe the pressure is to accept and care for others rather than trying to force people to deny things that are core to their being. 

We have lost some youth for not being supportive of their siblings or parents. We might lose some for not being supportive of their friends or classmates or teachers.

And we might have a hard time bringing in any new members who aren't bigots.

About this conference

I have caught up with reading all of the talks, as well as the new For Strength of Youth booklet. Here are a few notes:

My favorite talk was probably Sister Kristin Yee's.

She and the new booklet both acknowledged that forgiveness may not eliminate the need to protect yourself. That feels like a good step forward, as I don't recall seeing that stated so clearly before. I related to it.

I was also pleased to see Bishop Caussé mention stewardship for the earth, and caring for each other.

While it was nice that President Oaks repeated that there is no place for abuse in the Church, it would have meant more if there was some commitment to change. I would be thrilled to hear that the law firm running the help line was fired, and an acknowledgment that we have gone too much with the status quo, instead of living our value of protecting children.

Okay, it doesn't make us any worse than Catholics, but shouldn't we be better?

The most recent statement I see is this, and it is not encouraging:

https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/church-provides-further-details-about-arizona-abuse-case

It related, but what I was actually looking for was another item, from a while back. I believe it was about an incident of racism, but it specifically said that we offer no apology.

If we know something is wrong, but won't say it, that seriously decreases the odds of us doing better.

That was disappointing.

But the most affirming thing came (perhaps in spite of conference) from a talk on temples, where I deeply felt how much I value them. I believe in the need for the ordinances and the importance of the work for the dead.

As many frustrations as I have with the members and leaders, I am still committed. My testimony is still strong.

I may be a bit thorny, but I am firmly planted.

Sportsmanship

Okay, one last thing about the volleyball game.

This is going to be a bit lighter, because I know I got a little angry and scolding last week. 

Shortly after the BYU-Duke volleyball game, there was an Oregon-BYU football game. This time BYU was on the receiving end of intimidating behavior, with Oregon fans chanting "F*ck the Mormons" and apparently being rather aggressive about it, in terms of violating personal space.

My first thought on this was that if we don't want things like that to happen, we need to quit being f*ckers.

(I debated the use of asterisks, but if their inclusion makes reading this a better experience for someone, it's worth it.)

That obviously does not make the Oregon behavior correct, but there is a context to this. 

I believe it happened because of what happened it Provo. The self-declared exoneration at a school that (while belonging to a church that officially decries racism) still sees a lot of racism in its student body does not help.

Although it seems like religious persecution, which would have similar protections to racial persecution, we all know that Mormons are pretty safe. We are mostly white, have not been driven from our homes for well over a century, and the evangelicals are not going to unleash their hatred for us until we stop being useful. Otherwise, when you see actual religious persecution these days, it is almost always against people of color, with the possible exception being anti-Semitism.

There is not the same power imbalance, and we need to be honest about that. It is the imbalances in the power structure, and the desire to maintain that structure, that causes a lot of the evil in the world. Then a lot of that evil just seems like standing up for good values, because we do not honestly interrogate it.

Sports plays into this.

I managed sports teams in high school. Even though I would always tell myself that God does not care who wins a game, and would not take sides so it would make no sense to pray about it, whenever we were down points I would find myself praying. Logical? No, including the use of "we", but that is how the feelings go.

Articles about the BYU-Duke game mention BYU fans shouting right behind the Duke bench as they were serving.  I doubt Oregon was much worse.

I say that because I also remember the crowd chanting "Air ball" when someone on the opposing team was attempting a free throw, and other chants like "over-rated", or singing the chorus of "Kiss Him Goodbye"... that was all pretty normal. It is not specifically racist, but when the use of native mascots increases acts of prejudices against native students, maybe we should consider the connections.

I am not saying that we shouldn't play sports. They do seem capable of bringing out the worst in us, even though you can find lots of inspiring stories about better qualities surfacing. Certainly if schools are going to have athletic programs, they should look at what their goals are, and if those goals are being met.

(And if the honest answer is that the goal is profit, then to ask if that goal is appropriate.)

Maybe it is hard for competition to stay friendly. If so, then it is probably harder in time periods when those who have historically had more power are feeling it slipping and trying desperately to cling to it.

That's where we are now. There are people deliberately working very hard to enforce white supremacy and misogyny and every other form of unrighteous dominion. 

Let us not forget that even the term "sportsmanship" is gendered language, outdated but still imposing a belief that sports played by women can never be as important or valuable.

We are not going to solve that by accident, so we need to be conscious about our choices.

In that interim, we may be called "fuckers", but let's try not to deserve it.

Three reasons to embrace discomfort

Getting back to the BYU volleyball game, I remember seeing some comments that the game should have been stopped, by either of the coaches or by the officials. 

I didn't go into that much. I felt like handling it well would require researching NCAA policy, and would there be a point in that? Regardless, it leads to this week's post by raising the question of how mad people would have gotten if the came had been called.

(And if they had gotten mad for a women's volleyball game, imagine for a televised football game!)

But fighting racism is worth making people mad.

I have written about dealing with the discomfort of doing the right thing (especially regarding bigotry) many times, most specifically here:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2019/02/sitting-with-uncomfortable.html

I am not going to do a full recap of that, but I do want to get into some reasons why we should be embracing that discomfort.

Usually when I am writing about accepting this discomfort, it is for our own learning. That is true for the changes that we need to personally make, as recognition and remorse are necessary steps in repentance. 

It is also helpful in recognizing things that are bigger than us. If we only think of racism as people either being racist or not being racist, we miss all that happens and is reinforced via systemic racism. That prevents progress, not just because there are too many unrecognized parts of the system, but also because when you put everything on the individual it feels too mean to call someone that you like "racist".

Saying that something is wrong is important, but before you can say it you need to know it. Feeling that something is not right and exploring that feeling can be the first step.

And then saying something can be really uncomfortable, especially when you are telling that person that you like that something they are saying or doing is racist.

It is needed for their learning too.

Our church specifically emphasizes that we are here to help each other, with one part of that being "perfecting the saints". We believe in being a light on a hill, and not a light hidden under a bushel. We are told those things are right, but I hope we also have some love for the people around us, wanting them to do well, and become better, and wanting conditions to improve for those who are suffering from society's wrongs.

We should not be ignoring evils like racism. 

Let's think about that person whom you care about, that you do not want to call a racist; you don't think they really actively are, but they sure say some things that can't be right. 

A lot of that may just be habit, but it's a habit that makes them feel good. When they feel like they are not going to have that option anymore, they get unreasonably angry because that feels like they are losing their place.

Yes, I write this thinking of Ralph Nader talking about how ethnic jokes used to relieve tension, but I also write this as the daughter of a man who once was physically assaulted for not letting go of the Polish jokes with someone of Polish background. It was the other guy who got punished, because verbal assault is legal and physical is not, but I still have sympathy for him.

Don't be fooled: that "release of tension" comes from the high of feeling superior to someone else. That is very natural man. In addition, that superiority that you derive from the color of your skin or your gender or other things that are simply how you are, and not a matter of the choices you make and the things you do, are delusions. They hold you back from improving. They put other people in danger. The best-case scenario is that the worst thing it makes you is a jackass.

For all of those people coasting on their higher position in the patriarchy, there are others who are actively promoting it, working to spread racism and to be abusive. There are some horrifying examples that we may very well get to in other posts.

So this goes back to our responsibility to others: we need to make things unpleasant for them because otherwise we are creating a safe space for abuse. 

When you ignore the things you can ignore, and try to quietly shush the things you can't ignore, the message you are sending is that abuse is fine. Whether that is child abuse by respected leaders, or police brutality, or wage theft, you are saying you would rather not deal with it, especially if it isn't hurting you directly.

That keeps the abuse flowing downhill, because those with the least means to fight the exploitation are going to receive the brunt of it.

No follower of Christ can accept that.

Did any of this make you uncomfortable? Good. Focus on that.

See where it leads.

Standing up to racism

You have probably heard about a Duke volleyball player being called the N-word while playing BYU, and if you have heard that you have probably also heard people calling it a hoax.

There have been many good things written about that. Here is one:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/columnist/mike-freeman/2022/09/07/duke-volleyball-rachel-richardson-racial-slur-byu/7994409001/

I believe Rachel Richardson, and I do not believe that BYU investigating itself and failing to find proof is evidence that it didn't happen. 

That is not exactly what this post is about, but it is inspired by that, and continues logically from last week's post. We live in a country with a racist past. In fact, much of that legacy starts with English colonizing which goes all around the globe. Racism has had a wide and deep influence.

We are also members of a church that has not really dealt with our own racist history. I have written about this before; nothing new.

I do want to use it as a springboard to talk about ways we can be better.

First off, there was no video proof or recording. This is where audience members can be handy. You have phones that record things. When you see or hear racist behavior, making a record of that can be helpful. 

It is unfortunate that so many people require video evidence instead of believing marginalized people about their own lived experiences. Since that is the state of the world, look at how many incriminating videos have come up because of both improved cell phone technology and increased use of security cameras. It shows a lot of white people being racist and lying. 

If we go by history, it is way more likely that there was an overtly racist BYU student than lies on the part of the player who told her coach during the game -- which the facility staff took seriously enough to respond -- and called her father upset right after.

That makes me want to say that when you notice something, whip out that cell phone. See if you can help.

Do not be a bystander.

Except that it is so easy not to notice when you are white.

Some of that is that it just doesn't hit the same, but some of it may also be starting to notice, and then pushing it away.

Maybe you see a Black person detained by police, and there may be that nagging voice, but then you think that is just a few bad apples, and this in front of you is certainly fine, and does not require any observation.

Maybe someone you know makes a racist joke or a complaint, but it was just kind of racist and no one in the targeted group is around, so while you are not specifically endorsing it you are not calling it out either.

Or maybe you don't get the racist intent, because you try so hard to not even notice color. 

To really become anti-racist will require a change in thought.

The first step may just be noticing color. 

Look at the people around you: people in your ward, or from your school, or at work or even on the streets around you? Who is Black? Who is brown? Who is queer? Who is disabled? 

Who gets marginalized?

No, don't run to them and ask them to teach you about bigotry and assure you that you have never harmed them.

Do pay attention to them.

Do read more about those who have chosen to share their experiences, and I mean THEIR experiences; white people writing about racism is a poor substitute.

I have seen suggestions that the coaches should have called off the game, or at least halted it until the offender was ejected. Instead, an officer and four ushers were moved to the area. Ending the game would have disappointed a lot of people, I am sure, but is what did happen better?

For the changes we need to make, there will be discomfort. That can come with examining your own behavior, and it can come with expressing disapproval at what others say and do. After all, are any of them really bad people? Maybe not; it can be pretty reductive to think of people as good or bad. 

However, if we keep choosing comfort or security or anything else other than integrity and justice, we may become bad people. We will certainly shortchange the good we can do.

Part of a conditioning toward politeness is that the people who ignore social niceties are better able to get away with it. There is no virtue in maintaining a pleasant veneer over rot. There is no honor in even passively supporting bullies.

There were so many churches helping during the height of the Civil Rights era, but not ours. Maybe our shame in our own conduct held us back. There were people who gave their lives for equality, and yet with so many not committing to equality, and so many committing to fighting equality with every dirty trick in the book, there is too much still needing to be done.

Think about the need for charity, and integrity, and humility. 

Think about the members that our church had running for school boards, and what they represented.

What do you need to do?

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2020/08/mormons-and-racism.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2021/01/how-will-you-fight-white-supremacy-today.html 

That last one started a series, but racism has been a recurring theme. I look forward to the time when that is no longer necessary.

My Talk: Racism

We need to embrace God’s children compassionately and eliminate any prejudice, including racism, sexism, and nationalism. Let it be said that we truly believe the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ are for every child of God. -- Elder M. Russell Ballard, "The Trek Continues!, October 2017 General Conference

Yes, the conclusion is about the bigotry.

For what is mentioned in the rest of the talk, that admonition may seem a little odd; nationalism was not mentioned at all. Neither does it say anything about racism or sexism, except in that early on there is a mention of Jane Manning James, a Black woman and an early member of the church.  

She is not even specifically mentioned as Black, but being mentioned as the daughter of a freed slave implies it, even if you don't recognize the name. Elder Ballard calls her remarkable and mentions hardships she faced, but there are no stories, and only one quote from her. It seems like a non sequitur. 

The context is there: we are reminded that we still have things to work on. That includes the reminders that greed can lead us to dishonest behavior and ruin, and that seeking miracle cures or secret knowledge that comes from neither church leaders nor doctors is probably not going to help your health. Even though it is completely possible that the people who need to hear those messages most will not recognize themselves, probably everyone can still think of someone who should relate (maybe the same people for both financial and medical quackery if doTerra is involved).

But, whom at church would you think of as needing to eliminate prejudices like racism, sexism, and nationalism?

It was definitely an issue then. After the recent presidential campaign and the start of Trump's presidency (the Muslim ban happened in 2017, among other things), there is a reason why people would need reminders. So, early in the talk there is a reminder that Black people can be good and admirable, and then toward the end, a reminder that those -isms are bad, and that we can't afford them. 

It's all there, but in the mildest way possible.

Isn't it time that we start saying that part loud?

I have understood why we don't. People get very offended at being called racist, where they will say ridiculous things like that is the real racism. Many men in the church may theoretically be able to acknowledge that sexism is bad, but somehow their leadership role justifies a lot of things that sure sound like sexism. Nationalism actually made it a little more obvious than usual, but it is still so easy to discard.

Yes, if we speak out against the bigotry -- clearly and without equivocation -- we will lose people, but we are losing people anyway, including some really good ones.

Besides that, the bigots are really in need of repentance, which seems like a reason to call them to it. The gentle hints have been given plenty of time that seems to prove them ineffective.

I don't think it is all fear of offending, but also some embarrassment. One of the hardships of Jane Manning James' life was not being able to go to the temple or be sealed to her family in her lifetime. They made special arrangements to have her sealed to the Smith family as a servant. 

It is reasonable for the church to be embarrassed about its past racism, but avoiding that discomfort only results in continued racism, which we need to eliminate.

I don't deny those can be complicated, awkward conversations, but we need to have them. 

I know people whose faith was damaged by the essays, and others who reconciled their concerns by pushing them out of their minds, but that cuts off growth. It is possible to believe that Brigham Young was both a prophet and a racist. Our prophets are not perfect, but they can still do good, important things, just like the imperfect members that they lead.

I propose to you, though, that if there are times when change seems slow in coming, that it may be more the fault of the members than the leaders. 

Would Brigham Young have been called on his racism more quickly if the young church were ready for it? Perhaps.

And what is our intransigence preventing now? 

Because as much as we each need repentance and growth individually, we also all affect each other.

My Talk: Greed

Although it is appropriate and important to remember the historic 19th-century Mormon pioneer trek, we need to remember that “the trek through life continues!” for each of us as we prove our own “faith in every footstep.”

-- "The Trek Continues", Elder M. Russell Ballard, October 2017 General Conference

There were two things that especially stuck out to me in Elder Ballards counsel for our days, so those will be two different posts. 

Actually, there are kind of three things, but two of them really go together. First...

Do not listen to those who entice you with get-rich schemes. Our members have lost far too much money, so be careful.

In some places, too many of our people are looking beyond the mark and seeking secret knowledge in expensive and questionable practices to provide healing and support.

An official Church statement, issued one year ago, states: “We urge Church members to be cautious about participating in any group that promises—in exchange for money—miraculous healings or that claims to have special methods for accessing healing power outside of properly ordained priesthood holders.”

The Church Handbook counsels: “Members should not use medical or health practices that are ethically or legally questionable. Local leaders should advise members who have health problems to consult with competent professional practitioners who are licensed in the countries where they practice.”

Brothers and sisters, be wise and aware that such practices may be emotionally appealing but may ultimately prove to be spiritually and physically harmful.

It did not strike me in 2017. 

It could have. I know our people love multi-level marketing schemes and alternative health practices.

I only served in two areas on my mission. In one, there was a full Laotian branch (two actually), but in the other area it was a Lao group in an Anglo ward. Suddenly, once we started having dinner appointments with the white members, we received sales pitches on knives and supplements that treated all sorts of long-term condition. This was also where I first learned that ear candling exists.

These were all good people, and at the time I didn't think any more about it than that it was kind of weird.

Looking at this talk from 2017 now, this was less than a year before surface fractures started appearing at LuLaRoe. It was a full three years before a global pandemic started that would lead to members choosing to not only ignore science but also ignore caring for others, some getting angry at the counsel of our prophet -- who has extensive medical training -- because it contradicted what their political leader said.

Elder Ballard's talk feels different now.

In fact, there is some church history that has distrust of doctors built in. There was a time when not only was prejudice against the Mormons high but also medical science was not far advanced. I remember an old family friend being annoyed when her husband's heart medication was making him more lively; she did not want modern medicine to be the way he was helped. Her father had been excommunicated for speaking out against doctors. 

That was a long time ago. We should be better now.

If I may go on a tangent for a moment, I had brought in one other conference talk, though I could not tell you the date or the speaker's name. I don't want to look it up, because I don't need a reason to hold something against a general authority.

The talk in itself was fine, but there was a mention of Halloween, and he kept reiterating that it was not his favorite holiday, making his contempt for it clear. 

Halloween is my favorite holiday, but the reason it is relevant here is that I remember thinking him saying that was a sign of being infected by evangelicals. Saints have been having Halloween parties for decades, and the only way we have been at all weird about it has been the prohibition on masks.

I mention that because prosperity gospel and contempt for the poor are not things that the true gospel promotes. There are many things that have become entrenched mindsets for other religious groups that are not from us, and yet we take them in. 

I promise you that they will not love us for being like them, and I promise that the love we need to have for others will be harder to maintain with that influence.

“The worst fear I have about this people is that they will get rich in this country, forget God and His people, wax fat, and kick themselves out of the Church and go to hell. This people will stand mobbing, robbing, poverty and all manner of persecution and be true. But my greatest fear is that they cannot stand wealth.” – Brigham Young

Attempts to get rich, and a focus on getting rich, can do enough harm, even without the wealth being obtained.

From Elder Ballard again:

For our pioneer ancestors, independence and self-reliance were vital, but their sense of community was just as important. They worked together and helped one another overcome the physical and emotional challenges of their time.

For me, in many ways that abandonment of community has been the most discouraging part. It's not just that people who should know better would not act to protect themselves, but that they would also not face a minor inconvenience to protect the disabled and the immune-compromised, the young and the old.

In fact, our willingness to care for each other is not just the best way of surviving difficult times in the last days, but also perhaps the best indicator of our alliance with Christ, who always chose to serve and help.

The will play a key part in the final post for next week.

My Talk: Change

Getting back to that first batch of names submitted for ordinances... the way to submit at the time was to pick up family group sheets from the church library, fill them out, and mail them to Salt Lake City. There were two different addresses, depending on whether your names were from before or after 1500. After a few weeks they would send a report of which ones had been approved, and cards for those people had been sent to the temple you designated. You had to request a name at the desk before you went in for your session.

When I was submitting names from The Harris Wheel, you took a diskette to the family history library and the were matched against a database on CDs. You took a separate diskette to the temple, and they printed the file there. The internet was not widely used at the time, but I could see that was the direction things were going. I am still not sure that I saw how much easier it would become.

When I think about the changes I have seen during my lifetime, you would think I was 100 (I am only 50).

My earliest church memory is being in nursery on a Tuesday morning, while my mother was in Relief Society. I remember going to Primary after school on Wednesdays. Then all of that changed. All of those meetings were changed to a three hour block. There are children here who will only remember two hour meetings.

We went from one quorum of the 70 to twelve. Budget contributions ended and they changed it so that all missionaries paid the same amount monthly, regardless of where they served. Minimum ages for missionaries have changed, and the number of missionary training centers increased, along with a recent addition of home learning.

When I was born there were 13 temples in operation. Today there are 168 operating, 46 under construction or renovation, and 68 announced. 

Many of those changes are a response to the growth that we have seen, but they also sometimes come as a preparation for more growth, before it happens. 

That is where we get to the crux of the talk that my talk was based on: Elder M. Russell Ballard's "The Trek Continues!" from the October 2017 General Conference.

He makes the point that even 170 years since Brigham Young declared "This is the right place," we were still not able to rest on our laurels; there was still more work to be done.

As it is, my strongest conference memory of Elder Ballard comes from October 1993 and April 1994, both of which occurred while I was in the mission field.

I remember that April feeling like the speakers were repeating their subjects, so the subtext was that six months ago, we were not listening. That was my feeling, but Brother Ballad removed all doubt when he mentioned going to leadership trainings since speaking on ward councils and the importance of getting input from everyone. When he would look for demonstrations of that, he found many bishops had taken this to mean distributing assignments among more council members, but they were not really taking feedback.

Without exception, the bishop took charge of the situation immediately and said, “Here’s the problem, and here’s what I think we should do to solve it.” Then he made assignments to the various ward council members. This was a good exercise in delegation, I suppose, but it did not even begin to use the experience and wisdom of council members to address the problem.

Eventually I asked the bishop to try again, only this time to solicit ideas and recommendations from his council members before making any assignments. I especially encouraged him to ask the sisters for their ideas. When the bishop opened the meeting to council members and invited them to counsel together, the effect was like opening the floodgates of heaven.

We really have too much to do; it could never be appropriate to expect one person in the ward to have all of the insight. Even breaking it down to a presidency or committee level, there are counselors and other members because we need other perspectives and relationships and guidance and care. 

It is clear that our work is not done, so what is most important for us as we attempt to finish our journey? And what did Elder Ballard say about that?

My Talk: Gratitude

Last week I mentioned submitting names to the temple. 

The collected efforts of my grandmother and the two cousins meant that when I was assigned a family tree in junior high, I could do a really good one. In the process of doing that, I also noticed that not many ordinances had been done. That was the first time I submitted names to the temple.

The next round of submission happened when two other cousins, inspired by cousin Marguerite, created a book of the descendants of our great-great-great grandparents. In fact, their son was the one great-great grandparent I had left out in the junior high batch, because that family was so complicated. Another cousin lent me the book, and even though I was a busy college student I spent hours uploading the information and submitting names.

That cousin later dropped about 1000 Bobier names on me. Other cousins would emerge from the woodwork at times, filling in blanks. None were members of the church, so they were not going to submit the names to the temple. The appearance of those names to me felt like there was family knocking from the other side of the veil, telling me it was their time.

I was grateful to be an instrument for that purpose, but also grateful for the others who helped. I could not have done so much without their help. 

As I was thinking about how the work of the Utah pioneers prepared things for current members of the church, I again had to acknowledge that their are other legacies. We all have people who have gone before. 

Sometimes that is family. Although my father did not stay in the church, it was his joining in the first place that led to my being here today. I know it is possible to join the church later in life, but I am grateful for being born in it, and the head start that gave me.

As I learn more about economics and generational wealth, it has become very clear to me that we would not have a house if my father had not been able to get a loan through the VA, which he was able to do because of his time in the army, and being able to do so at a time when housing was more affordable. My buying the house was my own decision, but it being available for us is not something that I could have controlled.

Even with that, there is more to the story. The house hunting had been very discouraging, and he was giving up. Our mother began looking. Her requirements were a four bedrooms and a fenced yard. Our family had recently grown from 5 to 7 with the birth of my sisters, and as they were starting to tear around more, a fence to contain them was absolutely necessary.

The first agent Mom spoke to - a man - told her that there was no way that she would find what she wanted in her budget. Mom found a woman agent to help her, and the house was found right away.

That gives us not just a roof over our heads and the ability to keep pets -- which is absolutely necessary for my happiness -- but also connections. There are people in this word whom I have known since I was six, and in this stake some who have been in my family's life since before I was born. I like having those roots.

To be here, I needed not just my job at the time (which came through a combination of prior work experience and church connections), but also my father's military service, my mother's persistence, and a helpful realtor who was not an arrogant chauvinist.

One of the greatest blessings in my life has been the public library system. There have been countless people contributing to that for decades. Some of them are well known names, like Benjamin Franklin and Andrew Carnegie. Many lesser known people contributed. Locally a big part of strengthening the Aloha community was Eric Squires, and our parents socialized.

That does not even count all of the people who have contributed to public education, which was so important to me.

For those things, they did not have me in mind, but they did have an eye toward benefiting others and they worked toward that.

Family history may show us that we are related, and the gospel lets us know that in a spiritual sense, but there are other connections, and there are ways in which we help and harm each other.

It is easy to assume that everything that we do is because we are good and smart and competent.

I hope we are all of those things, but we still do not work in a vacuum. Not knowing that can lead to judging others, and pride, and those will kill the spirit.

It also leads away from a sense of gratitude, and awe in the way things can work out. 

Those are wonderful things to have.

My Talk: Pioneer Heritage

Before the last two posts, I had thought about spending some posts on the different elements of the talk I gave, having mentioned that I prepared a lot that wasn't said:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2022/07/speaking-and-teaching.html

That seems like the thing to do now. It may lead us to other things.

It was my first time speaking on Pioneer Day. I don't have any of the traditional Utah pioneer heritage, but I do have other connections.

I have been asked before if we are related to Martin Harris. I always assumed not, but in the library I once found an old book on the ancestors of prominent Americans. I looked up Harris, as you do.

There was a Franklin Harris who was prominent for being president of BYU, and whose great-great grandfather's brother was Martin Harris. They were descended from the first Harris to leave England for the American colonies, Captain Thomas Harris. Our line is descended from his first wife, and then after Thomas was widowed he remarried and that's where you get those other Harris', making us distant cousins.

I have another connection to a completely different pioneer heritage. 

My father's aunt Mary was Carrie Ingalls' stepdaughter. 

When we would watch Little House on the Prairie, and Carrie would tumble going down the hill, no one ever said, "Oh, that's Aunt Mary's stepmother", but I don't think anyone realized it then. She and Uncle Monk and my own grandparents were gone by then. While the books were around, there wasn't the same familiarity with them. That came later.

As it is, my family lore of Monk and Mary is one pretty funny invitation to a family reunion they threw that had happened long before I was born, which I found looking through a box of family history things. There is also a story of young Mary telling a relative that she never wanted to have children, and that elderly woman responding that she hoped Mary would have a dozen.  And she did!

Diaries and things I have seen from that time period when they refer to Mormons are always about how weird they are with all the wives. It is a miraculous thing to me to know that two sons of Aubrey and a grandson of Monk's would separately find their way into the church, and yet they did.

I mention this because it's interesting, but also because as important as it is to know that we are all connected as children of God, it can also be delightful to find the many other connections. There are patterns and combinations that are easy to miss, and then precious to find, and we find them by looking in our family history. 

As I prepared the talk, I did think about how the legacy of the Utah pioneers is important to me. To have time to grow in strength and knowledge, going out beyond the borders was necessary. That is how we were able to get temples and growth and continuity. That has benefited me.

In addition, I see effects on my family outside of the church. 

When Elijah came and turned the hearts of the fathers to the children, my extended family did not know about it. Despite that, there was a cousin of each side of my father's family that was bitten by the genealogy bug. Marguerite collected all of the Harris information, and Maxine collected all of the Stone information. Because my grandmother was interested in it too, even though she was not the researcher she collected it.

That is why years later I could submit names to the temple. I might still have been able to do some things on my own, but they laid a broad and strong foundation for me.

They also inspired other cousins, so at times other information would come from me. It was still not from people in the church, but it still blessed our common ancestors and me.

And because I keep track of that and submit names, I sometimes get contacted by other distant cousins:  Can you release this name so I can do it... ? Do you know anything about.. ? 

And I find I am connected more.

Smashing the patriarchy

Last week, in posting about the failures of the help line, I mentioned wanting to write about failure to examine power dynamics and change the interactions.

I was concerned about how to handle that, thinking it might require some delicacy and nuance. That is not just because it is a topic we often overlook, but that when we do look at it there is often discomfort, at least for those most likely to be leadership. 

I was thinking about approaching it from a different angle, and I am still going to do that, but I guess I needed the potentially offensive title to balance it.

Our church tends to hold patriarchy as a good thing: family structure, continuity of gospel and priesthood, and blessings. 

In other conversations, patriarchy is a system that can be full of abuse. 

Saying that may cause some bristling, but we also know that some family structures are abusive and toxic and harmful. It's not the ideal, we don't want it to happen, but it does happen. There have been wonderful Scout leaders whose troops had great experiences, too, but that's not how it always goes.

Perhaps one issue can be failure of imagination. We need to understand that there are people who will be cruel and sadistic; that is not a misunderstanding that can work itself out. 

One obstacle to things working out is an imbalance of power. If the father is the head, the children unanimously wanting change may not be enough. The need felt for loyalty to the father may also keep the children from being unanimous; someone may be trying very hard to be the good one.

This is where I want to go sideways, and approach power dynamics from a different angle. 

Fortunately, material always presents itself.

Here is a recent item from Psychology Today: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-state-our-unions/202208/the-rise-lonely-single-men

It briefly goes over an increase in single men. While it mentions more than one factor, the key is that today's women largely want emotionally available men with good values and the ability to communicate.

(The article did not mention this, but it has been more common in previous generations to lose a lot of men to war, and more equal numbers of women and men now may be a factor.)

That certainly makes sense on its own, but it is interesting to see men online complaining about how women just want handsome rich jerks and don't care about nice guys at all. Not what women have been saying, but you can't trust what women say, apparently.

As it is, I remember this same complaint from my 20s. The men who made it were not as nice as they thought they were, often being pretty chauvinistic, bitter, and also quite shallow in terms of what level of looks they would accept, but they knew it was definitely the women who were the problem.

(Patriarchy, by giving men the supremacy, supports this tendency to put the responsibility upon others.)

Perhaps it is not completely unrelated that there was a video going around August 11th where a self-styled guru was very unhappy that he was unable to get another man to agree to strictly defined gender roles. The father of five who has been married for 20 years said that he does what his wife can't get to and she does what he can't get to, and they both do what needs to be done. They also both have jobs, so expecting one to take primary responsibility for home and childcare would be selfish. 

The other guy remained frustrated that women who worked full time did not want to cook and clean when they got home, but it was his video. Apparently he cut the other guy off and blocked a lot of people who commented. 

If I were to start giving examples of men feeling like they should be able to exert an influence on women, or get service from them, or demand attention from them, this post will become unimaginably long.

Suffice it to say that under patriarchy, men get to expect some deference, and that is hard to let go. 

Now I am going to switch to calling it kyriarchy, where we acknowledge that it is not all a direct line and that there are multiple factors. Race and age and physical abilities and economic status can all complicate it. 

For example, a white woman might call the police on a Black man who pointed out that she was violating the park rules by having her dog unleashed. She might relish that quite possibly lethal power more because of her awareness of the things that might be held against her in boardrooms or while walking down the street. 

At the same time, a Black man might be tempted to align with a white woman over a Black woman, because there is a way in which it is aligning with power.

I can give lots of examples here, too, but they will all sound gross, and I will feel hypocritical giving examples that don't involve white people.

It is more to the point that yes, leveraging your privilege against those with less is gross, not Christ-like, and not gospel. That should be very straightforward... except that when the time comes to actually let go of that privilege in favor of greater equality and equity, that's when people start feeling twitchy.

I think about the opposition of the church to the Equal Rights Amendment. A lot of that seemed to be based on how it would disrupt the family.

If the marriage can be disrupted by legally making both partners in the marriage equal, that can't be a very good marriage.

While women are not equal in pay or treatment or opportunity now in many ways, as we have come closer, yes, some women are choosing to remain single, and are happier that way than being with someone selfish and dominating and disrespectful. 

I know there are many marriages where that isn't a problem, but your situation being better doesn't automatically upgrade mine. 

All of which is my long way of saying that while the bishop probably would never need to have CPS called on him, and the lawyers at the help line probably also wouldn't need that, the guy that is sexually abusing his children and filming it and posting it to the internet absolutely needs to be prosecuted, for the protection of the children currently in his power and to prevent him from getting access to other children.

In the original article, there is a photo of the mother. She looks kind of young, based on the ages of the children, and also she looks like of brown. The bishop described her as appearing to be "pretty emotionally dead". So, without in any way excusing her not taking steps to stop the abuse, I wonder what she had been through before it started. How much older was the husband? How did he influence her?

When I see that her bishop (who was also her doctor) was asking "What are we doing to do to stop it?", that sounds ludicrously ineffective. If she doesn't have an answer, you can try giving her one, and if that doesn't work either, you do something.

It's easy to feel like the inaction of the bishops is the fault of the help line, but the question then is how relieved were they to not have to do something?

It would be uncomfortable to bring in law enforcement, separate a family, maybe help start divorce proceedings; none of that fits in with our idea of eternal happy families, but that was already past. That's when you need to be able to see a way to take action.

That's what I am trying to get at. I don't think this is a well-written post, but I hope it can at least give some ideas.

So much of what we do is learned without deep thought, until it becomes basically a matter of instinct. The immediate results may not be obviously horrible, especially not for us, depending on how well we fit into our circumstances.

But the horror happens.

Are we going to try and pretend it away, or are we going to deal with it, with all of the soul-searching and changing that entails?

Here is an interesting article exploring abuse and trauma via a television show:

https://www.vox.com/culture/22777228/succession-episode-5-season-3-recap-review-retired-janitors-of-idaho-logan-abuse

The Help Line

Thursday I saw an article about the church covering up sex abuse that indicated that the help line wasn't accomplishing what I had been trained that it was meant to accomplish.

I have since read the article. It is disheartening and I feel I must spend some time addressing it.

https://apnews.com/article/Mormon-church-sexual-abuse-investigation-e0e39cf9aa4fbe0d8c1442033b894660

I have been through the training two or three times, first as part of the welfare committee as emergency preparedness coordinator, then as a youth teacher.

Those trainings both happened well after the help line was created in 1995. Prior to that, I know the policy was to report to local authorities. I assume the help line was created as there started to be more awareness (accompanied by lawsuits) of abuse by Catholic priests and Boy Scout leaders. I suspect also that local leaders might not have been reporting at all, trying to protect the wrong things. The advantage of the help line would then be to take away that type of discretion.

That was what I first expected on hearing about the story; that personal discretion was the issue. People can be terrible about that.

There are always excuses you can make about ruining someone's life, though if you look at the life impacts that should fall apart pretty quickly.

It was worse than that.

Let me say that I don't object in principle to the church using legal counsel; it's a big entity with deep pockets, and where different states might have different laws, it is a reasonable thing to have someone available with expertise to guide.

I do object to the priorities of protection. The training clearly specified that the first priority was the protection of the child. It was certainly not to protect the predator or the church, and yet that is what has been happening. 

That has made it an absolute failure. The children were not protected, the predator himself is dead by suicide, and the church may very well have legal liability, which I support. Whether the issue was that the policy was not well-delineated enough, or that there was not enough oversight or follow-up, this failed.

There is often a certain cynicism regarding lawyers that is not without cause.

Now I can't help but feel that the newer policies about always having two adults in the room with a youth class and windows in all the classroom doorways is a capitulation; we can't handle abuse, so let's just focus on prevention.

I don't mind prevention, but those measures will only prevent opportunistic abuse. Predators find ways.

Beyond that, those methods only work if the problem is teachers or leaders. It does nothing for when the abuse is coming from inside the home, which is the vast majority of cases.

This is a failure in the area of not letting offense come to these little ones by those who believe in Him.

I also remember a part of the initial training that included the goal of attempting to help the sinner, though the first priority was to protect the child.

I don't object to this either. There doesn't seem to be a high success rate for turning around abusers, but if we can try -- especially if someone is seeking help from the bishop -- fine, let's try. 

However, repenting means forsaking the sin and attempting to make amends. It means paying restitution. 

Doing "nothing" is not helping.

This is extremely disappointing and needs a bright light shone on it. The three children in this story were betrayed by their parents and their church, and they are surely not the only ones.

I do believe that part of the failure includes a failure to examine the power dynamics and change the interactions. 

I intend to write more about that later.

Speaking and teaching

As my concerns about COVID have risen (again), it would be easy to decide to safely avoid church. Instead I keep getting pulled in more, teaching a lesson in Young Women's and giving a talk last Sunday. Those are things I enjoy, and where I hope I can contribute.

Dealing with that has mostly combined the precautions I mentioned last week, like wearing the KN95 masks and not getting too close to anyone. (I do take of the mask while speaking and teaching, but attempting to maintain a six foot distance.) 

Prayer doesn't hurt.

This post, however, will be more about my philosophy of teaching and speaking once I am there.

My primary goal is for people to feel the spirit. If that is present, people will be able to hear what they need, whether I say it or not. Regardless, I do not want to say anything that is not helpful.

One thing that I have accepted is that I can't really write talks. There was a time where I would really struggle; no matter how many thoughts I had, when I tried to put those thoughts onto paper they just wouldn't flow. Eventually, somewhat influenced by Elder Matthew Cowley, I stopped fighting it. 

(I also can't really write out stand up comedy routines, which is somewhat similar, but not exactly.)

I am not necessarily recommending my method to anyone else; it can be pretty stressful. However, I do recommend making the presence of the spirit your primary goal, and maybe some of the steps I do take can be helpful for that.

The first thing that I do is study the material. 

The lesson was Come Follow Me for July 10th: "Why Is It Important to Follow God's Living Prophets?"

I read over what was in the manual, and the related Old Testament selection, 2 Kings 2-7. I read different parts at different times, and more than once. 

Similarly, my talk was on "The Trek Continues!", a talk from Elder M. Russell Ballard at the October 2017 General Conference.

I had about two weeks to prepare for the talk. I did not read his talk every single day of preparation, but I read it at least five times, possibly more. I also remembered some other talks from Elder Ballard that seemed relevant, so I looked those up and read them as well.

(It probably was helpful that I finished teaching the lesson before I was asked to speak.)

Along with the studying, there was also extensive journal writing. For the lesson that primarily occurred the night before the lesson, but for the talk there was a solid week of journal writing on different areas of the talk. This included an initial session where I broke down what things I wanted to write about.

A big part of the journal writing is formulating the hints of thoughts I have into something more cohesive. A bigger part is getting out everything I want to say.

I have lots of thoughts that I think are interesting and relevant. Maybe they are for me, and maybe they would be for some people, but the people who are there at the time should be the priority during that delivery. I might be able to guess, but even if it is a congregation made of up mostly people that I know well (which is not the case), I don't know who will be there that day.

The journal writing is in case I need to express something that does not need to be expressed to those listening.

It can also be helpful for not speaking for 45 minutes when you are supposed to speak for 12.

The journal session the night before the talk brought in the other sessions and how they built on each other to sort out the order they should go in. 

Once speaking, obviously some of the things that I wrote about came up. Many didn't, and that was fine. Memorization is not the only way that memory can be a benefit.

There are some things where I cannot rely on memory.

Some time ago, when I was asked to give a talk in the singles' ward, I was advised to use three scriptures and mention the Savior at least once. That is a rough guideline, but I held to it. Having markers in the scriptures I might need and pulling them up at the time worked.

With the subject being a conference talk, I felt I needed to pull from that. Having the whole talk up there didn't seem helpful either. 

One of the journal sessions was going through all three Ballard talks and pulling quotes, then pulling a Brigham Young quote that I kept thinking of, and also four different scriptures. That came to two pages.

I ended up reading quotes from two of the Ballard talks and one scripture, and I think that was okay. I had more than I needed, but I had what I needed.

I am at peace with what I said. Sure, there are nerves, but a talk can be overwritten. I will never forget when one man's talk - years ago - was him reading a story he had written about a girl who heard Samuel the Lamanite preach, and then was widowed and had a blind son at the time the Savior visited the Americas, and her bonding with a man whose (dead) wife had persecuted the prophets. I will never forget how inappropriate and not-spiritual and how egotistical it was, but also proud he was of his story, that was not an appropriate church talk.

I have a more inspiring story. 

Once when I was helping throw a bridal shower, I interviewed the groom for a game. He told me what he first noticed about his fiancee, but also that it happened during a talk by David A. Bednar, who was visiting our stake conference. He started thinking he should really get married. He looked around, saw her, and asked her out.

Some time later I was visiting teaching at the family history library, and Elder Bednar there that night. He was speaking to the youth about college, as he was still over Ricks College/BYU-Idaho at the time. I ran into him and mentioned that, which I thought he would find interesting. 

He did, but he also did not remember saying anything about marriage. I hadn't remembered that either, but we gave the credit to the spirit. 

Later, I remembered Elder Bednar pointing out that our stake president had spoken in two sessions, and his talks were slightly different in each. He knew that was due to different people needing to hear different things, which Elder Bednar used to stress the importance of listening to local leaders. 

Well, our bishop at the time was urging the men of the singles ward to pursue marriage pretty consistently. I am not sure that it helped that much, honestly, but that time, maybe it did.