Why I stay

I know; it has been a few weeks. 

Work takes more out of me than I would like, and I feel like I just need to regroup, without being completely sure if that will involve me exhorting to repentance or focusing on doomsday prepping.

Today, though, I want to give a gift for all of my liberal member friends, frustrated with the ignorance and angry at the bigotry.

I know I have mentioned in other posts that one reason I stay is that I don't want the church to be full of only bigots. That would be a terrible direction, and there are already enough forces pushing in that direction.

Ultimately, though, my testimony is still present. For all I have seen about the insidiousness of patriarchy and white supremacy -- which is not limited to the church -- I have gained meaning and felt truth from different things, and that is reason enough to stay.

I know that the gift of the Holy Ghost makes a difference. I have seen that for myself and others. Therefore, I do believe in the power of the priesthood. 

Related to that, I also know that the temple ordinances have value, especially at times as I have been guided in research and name submission and felt the desires on the other side to have their work done, and their joy as it was completed. 

Access to the temple is a reason to stay.

I miss the times when the fellowship felt better, when there was more spirituality to be felt in the talks and lessons, but there are still good people there, and I do still feel ways to serve, which matters to me.

With priesthood and temples and additional scriptures -- with all of that which should be constantly be leading us to greater humility and overflowing charity -- it does feel tragic that so many are trading that birthright for the right to feel superior to others and a constant anger. There is nothing in any of the scriptures that backs that up. 

That is the natural man.

The scriptures do not back up the hedge fund. 

But I accept that people are imperfect, and that they can still do good, and that can be a source of comfort as I deal with my own imperfections, which are many.

If you cannot go now, I cannot judge that decision. I have had to face that there may be a time when I have to choose between my integrity and my attendance. That didn't feel great, but it was also a relief, to know that time is not here for me, and that I can trust myself to know.

Wherever you are, I hope it is a good place for you, chosen consciously, and on a path to where you need to be. 

With my whole heart, merry Christmas.

For senior citizens inundated with Medicare advertising (and those who help them)

Because of my own mother and my older sister's job, I have been aware of Medicare open enrollment happening at this time of year for a while now. 

It has only been working customer service for a Medicare supplement plan that has made me aware of the advertising onslaught that accompanies open enrollment. I have probably only avoided knowing because we DVR everything and fast forward commercials. There is tons of advertising via mail, radio, and television. 

I am aware of it now because I am taking the calls from members -- often ones who are very happy with their coverage -- that call concerned, worried that they are missing something or need to do something.

I talk to them, and to their children and grandchildren. I am not sales, so my role in that is generally things like confirming what coverage they have, whether they need to do anything to renew or if renewal will happen automatically (it will), and some questions about changes for the upcoming year.

However, sometimes we have conversations that are just about those concerns on whether they are covered enough or paying too much. Sometimes the best thing to do is to transfer to sales or to the group that covers the business end, but sometimes it just requires listening and being reassuring. 

I will now write to you in a very reassuring voice about Medicare and Medicare supplement plans.

One thing to remember is that the advertising is often geared toward people who do not have any supplemental coverage. 

This is not necessarily bad. My mother's quality of care improved a great deal when she got on to Medicare. She has always had a supplement though, first through Humana and then Blue Cross. Medicare itself still helped a lot. 

Why did she switch? Initially she had great coverage through Humana, and then things changed and the Blue Cross offering was better. 

Every year around October, Medicare releases their new plan information (what is covered and the prices) and formulary (coverage and pricing specifically for drugs). In response, Medicare supplement plans prepare their offerings for the next year. This leads into open enrollment and the advertising. 

Medicare is more likely to add coverage then take it away, but some changes may seem negative. For example, the Medicare Part B (medically necessary and prevention services) deductible is increasing by $30, from $203 to $233. Possibly not a big deal, but many seniors are on a fixed income.

That leads to another common question, as people hear ads referring to "Medicare Extra Help".

That is specifically for low-income seniors. In 2021 the limit for an individual was $19140, or $25,860 for a couple. 

That is a relatively easy question. The more complicated question is knowing whether your coverage is adequate.

That is a very personal question. There are people who specifically choose high-deductible supplement plans, because they would rather not pay a lot on premiums, but they still want to be prepared for something catastrophic happening. It's still a good idea to have some savings if you are going to pay $5000 out of pocket before coverage begins.

To figure out what is best for you, there are questions you can ask yourself. Financial issues to think about include...

• How much are you paying in premiums?
• How much are you paying in co-payments and coinsurance (toward deductible or otherwise)?
• How much are you paying for your prescriptions?

One of the nice things about being on Medicare is that you will get monthly notices tallying up your drug expenses and other expenses. I initially thought it was a ridiculous amount of paper, but I can understand now how it is helpful for people trying to figure out what they are paying.

The reason for that -- and it is another nice thing -- is that Medicare is a federal program and highly regulated. That means that there is a limit to how much any of the different offerings can diverge. It doesn't mean that some coverage won't work for you better than others, but there will be some common denominators.

The non-financial aspects to consider may be more about convenience versus hassle. If you need a specialist, is it easy to get into one? Remember, some coverage plans have their own providers, like Kaiser. That may be good for you, and it may not. 

Here is one example that is very individual: The plan I work with doesn't have an in or out of network as long as you see Medicare providers (meaning that they have agreed to charge Medicare set rates). For retirees who want to move across the country to be near children, or who want to be snowbirds and spend different months in different temperature states, that means more. For someone who will continue to live in the same place as before and not travel much, that would be less of a consideration.

Remember, open enrollment comes around every year. If you are not sure if you want to change, but think you might, perhaps taking a year to track everything and make notes will give you clarity during the next open enrollment.

Now, this is where I will be less reassuring, but it is important to think about. 

If your medical expenses are low due to good health, it can take just one accident or illness to change that. That can be hard to predict.

My real solution for that is universal health care, where we just treat people, and don't have multiple corporations in place to determine whether people can have health care or not. We still live under capitalism, and that is currently how I am employed. So, that's something to think about, and true for everyone to some extent, but some things can be more precarious for seniors.

Therefore, the other advice that I will always add is pray about things, and keep an ear out for inspiration as you go about your life. 

I hope that life will be long and healthy.

Things to think about in the wake of the acquittal

You should be disgusted by the recent verdict in Kenosha, though you are probably not surprised. The judge was showing such extreme favoritism to the defendant that the writing was on the wall. While one can certainly hope that the judge is censured and removed, that would not allow a retrial. It is injustice, and it sucks.

It is all right to take a moment to stop and grieve and be appalled at the ubiquity of the racism in this country, deeply entwined with our history and institutions.

Take that moment, and then move forward. I am going to make four points.

First: Know that there are people who do not get it. One of the strangest things to see was a great deal of attention paid to a different acquittal, that of Andrew Coffee IV. 

Coffee's home was raided by a deputies there to arrest another person. They made that arrest, but continued rampaging through the home at 5 AM. Coffee fired, believing it was self-defense. In fact, he was in danger, as his girlfriend Alteria Woods was killed in the crossfire.

https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/97945012596391800/5550631860585338871

There are undeniable similarities to Breonna Taylor, including the boyfriend being arrested, and charged with multiple charges, including his girlfriend's death. 

Defenders of Rittenhouse are using this as an example of "See! Not racism! Bet the news won't tell you that!"

Well, the media has a lot of failures, but two of the charges Rittenhouse and Coffee had in common were illegal possession of a weapon. That charge was dropped for Rittenhouse, whereas Coffee may get 30 years for it, which the "See!" folks are neglecting to mention, probably because it does seem pretty racist. 

Second: Know the importance of voting, in all elections and for all offices. Judge Bruce Schroeder ran unopposed in 2020 for a 6 year term. It is so easy to just check the incumbents, not worry about learning anything about the candidates, and then go on your emotions for president.

It all matters, from school boards and county commissioners to mayors and state senators and yes, district attorneys and judges. You don't have to figure it all out on your own, but please find something that works.

Third: Read And the Walls Came Tumbling Down: An Autobiography by Ralph Abernathy. 

People have protested and windows have been broken. If that relieves some anger, I can sympathize, but I would rather harness that anger to make change. 

Abernathy does a good job of explaining how some of the more effective campaigns worked, coordinating concrete demands with financial and media pressure on people who could make the change happen. There is information on the less successful campaigns too. 

I know it often seems hopeless that there can be any good changes, but I maintain hope. This book could help you think and plan more effectively. However...

Fourth: Don't rush on to a field that is new to you and try and take over. There are existing organizations and organizers who know more than you do. Maybe your fresh perspective will be valuable, but their knowledge and experience should not be ignored.

For Portland people, here are some organizations to consider.

Don't Shoot Portland: https://www.dontshootpdx.org/

The relationship between institutional racism and capitalism is deep, so I like that they have some panels set up as an alternative to Black Friday shopping, and that it is being combined with service and relief. It does all go together.

Albina Ministerial Alliance: https://www.albinaministerialcoalition.org/

They have been working on police violence for a long time. No, Rittenhouse was not law enforcement, and his victims were not Black. The tradition of extrajudicial killing of people of color by police was still a huge part of his actions and the treatment he received.

Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ): https://www.facebook.com/ShowingUpPDX

Conversely, SURJ is relatively new, coming in with a lot of energy, and they do have a local chapter. 

In my experience they have skewed progressive, sometimes aggressively, but for many Portlanders that is right up their alley.

A brief word about selfies

I am currently on my third round of doing #365feministselfie, where I take pictures of myself for a year and post them.

When I started it the first time, it was largely a response to how deeply I hated pictures of myself, and having my picture taken. It took about three months, but I started feeling better about me. That wasn't a matter of finding myself more attractive or cuter, but just being okay with how I looked, beyond of the expectations of how I thought I should look.

The second time was harder, because my life started getting harder and there was no getting away from myself when those daily pictures were staring me in the face. I saw the deadening, and I didn't want to be posting that to the world. Perhaps I had gotten away from thinking that I needed to be pretty, but I had not gotten away from thinking that I needed to look happy.

Those thoughts have strong gender conditioning in them. It is there going in, and it found me there when I would get comments about smiling more. 

I also see opinions from people I don't know about selfies in general. It is common for men to opine on them, and not just by asking women to smile more. Often they like to criticize the practice of taking selfies and trying to look cute and being so vain and self-absorbed.

I saw one last week that I can't find now. It stuck out because last week I had a theme of drawing faces on other body parts, so I had just posted one with a face on my fat stomach, the mouth around the belly button. It was not cute, it was not trying to be cute, but it was still open to criticism. I remember a tweet a while back complaining about women going from the flower crown filter to the dog filter, like how dare they first look pretty and then look funny and weird? I think he called it trashy.

This is probably a case where why you do something is more important than that you do it, but if there are people posting selfies who hope they look cute and they get told they are cute, and that feels good, that can be okay.

What I do know is that there is a lot in this world that is designed to tell you that you are not okay. If it were giving you actual helpful suggestions for improvement that could be useful, but that's not how it works.

It is possible to be vain and needy, and it is possible to break those chains. It is possible to want validation from others when you really need to feel good about yourself. It is possible to feel good about yourself for not great reasons.

Social media can help or hurt, but be careful about being led by it. I know that I don't spend much time on Facebook, because I keep seeing it showing me notifications I would not normally need (this person has posted a picture or updated their status), or showing me every question prompt that any friend of mine has answered. Because I recognize that, I can also ignore it.

If you feel worse, try using it less, or differently, or not at all. Understanding where the feelings come from can help.

It is a wonderful thing to understand that you have value, and that so does everyone else, and that their value does not take away from yours. 

Whichever one you are having trouble with, learn about that.

But I promise your value is separate from your physical appearance, even if you are super cute.

Experiencing God

Recently I read a children's book with adorable cat pictures: No Fuzzball! by Isabella Kung.

I decided to check for other works. It looks like there is only one other that she has written, but a few others that she has illustrated for other writers. 

This is not at all uncommon for artists. Usually it is a matter of getting hired by the publisher, without any previous connection to the material. You can't judge an illustrator by that, but I was still somewhat taken about to see the title Sammy Experiences Jesus, written by Thomas Blackaby and Rick Osborne.

From Goodreads:

Sammy remembers “asking Jesus into his heart” when he was very young. However, he's often wondered what it means to have “Jesus inside his heart.” When Zack and Tina, Sammy's good friends at school, ask him about this same phrase, he isn’t sure how exactly to answer their questions. So, Sammy decides to go on another adventure with his Grandpa Henry, this time to experience Jesus. Grandpa figures out what Sammy's adventure is about and starts to teach him what it means to experience Jesus and have a real relationship with God’s Son.

For ages 4 to 8, Sammy Experiences Jesus is a classically illustrated children's book inspired by the Experiencing God teachings of Henry Blackaby.

Regardless of my own feelings about "asking Jesus into his heart", I do think there is an important question there. For those who think asking is all that is required, how do they know that it is working? Just assuming seems like it wouldn't be satisfying. 

That's when I kind of thought that maybe we need a children's book for how being a member of the church should feel, after you have been baptized and confirmed. That thought was quickly replaced by maybe we need that kind of book for adults more.

I am not proclaiming to have a definitive answer for that, but I think it is worthwhile to ask ourselves if we are "experiencing" God. That can act as a status check for where we are spiritually now, which is important. In addition, the act of identifying how experiencing God feels for us may help us later identify when it is happening less. That could be even more important.

One thing that occurred to me is that it might be useful to think about all three members of the Godhead in turn.

Heavenly Father: Do I feel that I am the child of a loving Heavenly Father? Do I feel love for Him in return? Can I open up to him naturally in prayer? Do I find joy and wonder in creation? Do I believe that what I do matters? Do I feel love for His other children, and know that they are my siblings?

Jesus Christ: Have I repented and felt forgiveness through the Atonement? Praying in the name of Jesus Christ, do I feel able to approach Heavenly Father because Jesus will mediate between us? Do I feel something when I think of Christ's suffering in Gethsemane? Do I believe in the resurrection, knowing not only that I will live again, but that I will see those others lost through death again?

The Holy Ghost: Do I feel a witness when learning and thinking about things that are true? Do I know how that witness feels to me? Do I find myself getting ideas and warnings and guidance as part of my normal life?

That last one is probably the strongest proof for me, in that the inspiration that comes to me is a strong sign of my experience and part of my testimony. However, that might not be the strongest for someone else, especially someone busy and distracted. They might still have very strong faith in other ways.

All I can really say is that I know that it is important, so I know that it is worth thinking about.

As always, I like this scripture as a guide:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. -- Galatians 5:22-23

How abstinence-only education leads to soaking

First of all, let me say how much I resent that this is a thing I need to know about. 

For anyone who is not familiar, I am linking to one article out of several options. I am choosing this one because it is not behind a paywall and because it mentions that evangelical Christians are doing it too. If you are seeing people talk about it on the internet, they are talking about Mormons. Or, maybe that's just what I see because that's what I am.

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/mormon-soak-soaking-derfing-sex-virginity

(Actually, from the example given, that girl was more likely evangelical than LDS, unless we're doing purity rings now.)

The downside of this article is that it doesn't explain "jump humping". Suffice it to say, if the loophole is no movement, and movement is part of the satisfaction, having someone jump on the bed becomes the second loophole, making for an unholy threesome.

Perhaps they heard that it wasn't the size of the boat that counted, but the motion of the ocean. Are waterbeds popular in Provo?

When I first heard of it, I thought it had to be a joke. I know sometimes we talk about the letter and the spirit of the law, but I don't recall those conversations ever going in a direction that encouraged you to look for loopholes. 

I don't see how anyone could think that the line between virginity and not virginity, between chastity and not chastity, is whether the penis inside the vagina is moving. How does that not automatically sound so ridiculous that the train of thought screeches to a halt right there?

Of course, they are probably asking the wrong questions, but would they be able to get good answers from their available resources?

One of the big issues for the fascist school board candidates was being against comprehensive sex education. I believe their main purpose for that was making sure that no one came away respecting the rights of gay and transgender people. However, another important part of that aversion appears to be the fear of giving kids "ideas".

Ideas like soaking? 

We do have a story from President Kimball about a missionary candidate who had done many sexual things, and when asked where he got the idea to do those things, replied from his bishop.

There are bishops who don't trust the "yes/no" answers and will ask follow-up questions (which is generally unrighteous dominion). Hearing about new acts from a church leader with a forbidden air to them might give an extra weight and allure to them that they would not have in a class, where only education is being offered.

It's not a guarantee. Powered by hormones, even fairly innocuous things can lead to sexual ideas. So even in the fantasy world where you home school and only watch BYU-TV, sexual thoughts are going to happen. However, if we are teaching the value of chastity, and how that can help with spirituality, these teachings should not result in quests for loopholes.

Those searches are not new. When I was on my mission, most of my companions had gone to BYU. At the time I heard that the thing -- not that my companions did it, but that they knew other people did -- was going to Las Vegas and having a quickie wedding and divorce, with a weekend of sex in between.

I have seen commercials for a show, "Teachers", where someone having trouble waiting is advised by her priest that the butt isn't a loophole; it is just a hole. I know there are teens who say that anal and oral don't count for virginity. 

Well, they don't result in pregnancy, but they can still result in diseases and other bad experiences, and for chastity they absolutely count, so it seems worthwhile to have that conversation.

Arousal is real. It is potent. It does not mean you need to act on it every time you are aroused, or even any time before you are married. We can have honest conversations around that. In fact, those conversations are necessary.

I am currently reading Unbound by Tarana Burke, founder of #MeToo. In talking about being sexually assaulted at the ages of 7 and 9, she mentions being taught not to let anyone touch her private parts, but not being taught why. Therefore, when that was done to her, she thought she had broken the rule and she had failed. 

Sex education needs to be age-appropriate, but it also needs to be specific enough and reasoned enough that there is a sufficient level of understanding to protect oneself, and to get help when that is needed.

Laws that require schools to teach comprehensive sex education are usually inspired by cases of sexually abused children who needed tools to get help.

Technically, comprehensive sexual education does promote abstinence as the safest choice, but because it teaches about more, that becomes a real choice, and not a fear.

If you lean towards the domination of fascism, teaching mutual respect and bodily autonomy creates a less ideal environment for abuse. That may be a downside for some people, but we do not have to accept their lies about it.

Occasionally I have questions that I can't answer, so I just make a note of them in my journal. One of those is "What does chastity look like without patriarchy?|

Currently so much of sex is entrenched in patriarchy that I can't even imagine how things would change. I still believe in chastity, and I still live it, but I know that it can be better and more beautiful. The world is holding it back.

It is fitting that I address this topic on Halloween, because it was a conference talk that kept taking shots at Halloween that let me really see how we were letting evangelicals infect the church. That's still an issue. Or maybe evangelicals got soaking from us, but it is not making anyone holier.

It is also not making sex any better, which I think is worth noting.

I will also note that a young person who believes in chastity and tries but slips will be better-positioned for repentance than one who cynically tries to get around the rules while pretending that it counts as righteousness. 

We are all sinners, but there is a plan for that. We don't have to be hypocrites.

Also of interest:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comprehensive_sex_education

Listen, listen

I was without computer access for a few hours today, due to a power outage. I almost think I should write about that, but I will stick with my previously planned subject.

In writing about supply chain issues last week, I said that the most important part of your planning is listening to the Spirit. I mentioned considering other people as well.

One of my deepest core beliefs is in the importance of being able to hear the Spirit and act according to that. That can be for doing things that are good, and setting you up for good things to happen, but it can go just as well for preventing terrible mistakes and suffering.  

I have been injured when I ignored a warning. There are other warnings I listened to that may have been matters of life and death. We don't always know, but I have enough evidence to know that it matters.

Caring about others and taking them into consideration goes along with that. It is not just that the fruits of the Spirit are love, so that our spending time accompanied by the Spirit would make us feel more love, but also that our following up on hate will kill the Spirit.

There is no getting around that.

Trying to control others, looking for the bad in them because of perceived threats, shutting out any light that might show you good things about them... these are all things that are going to kill your ability to feel the Spirit. 

There's no getting around that.

It has been a source of pain for me for some time that lessons and talks seem to have gotten so much shallower and less spiritual. Given the amount of time some people have spent hating liberals and devoting themselves to Trump makes that not at all surprising.

The spreading of racism and looking for ways to justify it is a spirit killer. No, it doesn't kill the Holy Ghost, obviously; that damage is to your spirit.

Focusing so much on the sex lives and desires and body parts of others is a spirit killer. Your job isn't to control their actions; it is to control your own behavior and expand your heart.

Then, feeling like you are under attack for being a bigot, well, that's not an attack; that's criticism. Given how unfamiliar criticism is, that is a great reason to listen to people who actually have been attacked.

I realize that sometimes as you listen to other people, there may be things that are disturbing because you don't understand how it can be. There might be some stuff that is definitely sin but it is mixed in with other things that are not sin. If you are trying to sort out which is which that could be really uncomfortable, but the good thing is, that's not your job. 

Your job is to work on overcoming your own sins, with the help of the Atonement and the Spirit. The more you do that, the more full of love you will be. You will want good things for others, but you will not feel compelled to try and control them. In fact, you will recognize trying to control them as unrighteous dominion.

If I include "the" and capitalize "Spirit", that is for respect, but also clarity. There are many spirits.

The question is then who are you listening to. 

If you are filled with rage that people are taught to respect pronouns, and protect kids which includes educating them about their bodies and that they have some autonomy, and you hate that people ever admit that this country has a racist past -- which it does, built into the Constitution, amended legally in part, but with a large remaining legacy -- 

... it is going to be very hard for you to feel a good spirit.

Supply chain issues

You may have started noticing more gaps on store shelves. It's not everything, and often it is fairly specific; maybe you can get your usual brand of peanut butter, but not in the jar size you favor. However, you may be feeling some concerns.

I am thinking about food storage again. We went through a lot of our storage during my unemployment. This would seem like a good time to stock up again, as part of trying to catch up.

There may be things that I want to stock up on and can't, due to availability. It is also possible that there are some things that I should not stock up on.

My thoughts largely come from seeing a tweet asking people to not purchase WIC items if they were low. That program benefiting women, infants, and children, only allows certain food items, without substitutions. If the items they are allowed through the program are out, program participants may not have any other options.

https://twitter.com/ThornCoyle/status/1447229925002407938

WIC items have shelf labels, but it was not something I thought of until I saw the tweet. Our family used the program many years ago, but it is far enough past that it wasn't in the forefront of my mind. There are still people who need it.

Early in the pandemic we saw a lot of hoarding for certain items, where sometimes you could not find what you needed. As wise as building up a supply can be, it does not override the responsibility to love our neighbor.

At the same time, sometimes that food supply will end up being for someone else. We may find a neighbor in need, but there are also many people with needs that we don't know. Our personal stockpile may miss them.

We talk about doing things in wisdom and order; allow me to add doing them in love and awareness.

Therefore, the most important tool in this decision-making is inspiration. We must be able to hear the Spirit, while we are shopping and after we have added items to storage.

President Biden recently announced an expansion of the hours that the Port of Los Angeles will be open. That can offer some relief to these issues, but it could also come at a great cost to the workers there. Our nation has lost about 700,000 people, with many others alive but with compromised health. That affects the workforce. Burning out the people remaining would be a horrible attempt at a solution.

That doesn't mean that expanding the port hours is not the right thing to do, but we need to make our choices based on what will make lives better. That is not always what correlates most strongly with corporate profits.

To learn more about supply chain issues in general, here is a thread with links to many articles:

https://twitter.com/hockendougal/status/1438538388991266823 

However, for taking the steps that will help your household the most, and that will make you of the most benefit to those around you, the best help is going to be the Spirit.

Specialness overdose

In keeping abreast of former school board candidates, I became aware of Pioneer Heritage Academy.

Yikes.

Although, it does explain a lot.

Interestingly, I know one of the former students (not a graduate) who left a testimonial, He mentions his goal of winning a Pulitzer by 2020. He has not. 

I have seen his writing; he can keep pushing out that goal, but I doubt it will help. 

I know he thinks he is a good writer. That I don't could just be a matter of opinion; reasonable disagreement is possible. However, I have also seen that writing praised profusely.

I also know of church members who talk about how great the youth are: better than other youth not from our church without even trying.

If that only resulted in bad, poorly informed writing that is almost masturbatory in the level of masochistic fantasy, that would be one thing. It is worse than that.

For one thing, trying is always going to be important. Nitpicking every little thing isn't good either, but unadulterated praise does not lead to good results. It dampens the development of talents, increases hubris, and that sense of superiority over those who are not members does not help us as missionaries or community members or in any way.

Yes, we are all special, beloved children of God.

Yes, that is all of us, not just the church members, or the ones from nice neighborhoods, or the ones with lovely singing voices.

That shouldn't be so hard to grasp, and yet I see proof that it is, again and again.

There is a real process of discovery to be undertaken on what the heights of your life should be. 

It is something I think about frequently. I feel like the things I write in my blog are important. I also think it is largely something I do to keep my own thoughts straight so I know what I believe and act accordingly. However, there is still sometimes that question; should I be doing more? Should I attempt to reach more people? Should I choose a different media form?

Sometimes there will be an answer of "not now", and that is fine.

For about four years of my life, the main impact I had was on one woman who was losing her ability to take in or remember any of it. I could do that because I love her, but also because it was confirmed many times that it was where I needed to be.

Often, the most important things we do will be in the service of others. They will not make us famous or rich. Those are temporal rewards anyway; how much should we base our decision on that?

Perhaps the best thing to remember is how President Benson defined pride, as enmity toward God and man.

If I feel superior to you, my heart is not right. 

There may be ways in which I am better than you, and other ways in which you are better than me. I can try and appreciate your good, while also being aware of ways in which you might cause harm. That can all be very loving, and it leaves room for understanding of the ways in which we can do better.

That's my goal. 

It was also my goal in 2020, and will probably still be my goal in 2030. I hope I will be closer, but I will still not be all the way there.

That is also fine.

I feel that this post somehow relates:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/06/my-most-offensive-blog-post-ever.html

Conference Break

I have a lot of ideas swirling around, but you may have been listening to hours of talks this weekend, so we can take a break.

Take Care!

Gina

A constant menace

There is a thread that periodically comes up on Twitter, that relates today:

https://twitter.com/IamRageSparkle/status/1280891537451343873

To sum up, the tweeter is sharing about seeing a bartender kick a guy out of a bar just as the other guy sat down. It was because the bartender saw Nazi symbols, like Iron Crosses and things. 

The bartender explained that it is a pattern: one Nazi will come in and be fine. Eventually he will bring a friend, and they are both fine, but then they bring more friends who are not fine, and you have become a Nazi bar. 

"yeah, you have to ignore their reasonable arguments because their end goal is to be terrible, awful people."

Usually when it is brought up, it is a reminder that you need to speak up right away when people are saying awful, racist, fascist things. Sometimes there is an added reminder that one reason the bar that doesn't kick out the Nazis becomes a Nazi bar is that everyone else will leave. Those are perhaps more of a focus on whether you are looking at it as an individual or as a business or group.

What I have been thinking about lately is that I don't think it's a coincidence. One well-behaved Nazi doesn't just happen to walk into a bar, return a few times, leading to a gradual-then-sudden increase in Nazi attendance.

That's planned. 

They don't even have to be looking for a place that is receptive to their ideas; a place where people don't want to make a scene will suffice.

It is possible that I am thinking of it more because I am currently reading about the 1964 election. Organization around Barry Goldwater, with overbearing, overwhelming volunteers working to drown out anyone who disagreed with them. Racism played a huge part then too.

They were ultimately unsuccessful, but many techniques and talking points for Republicans got their start then. There was limited success until they weakened the Voting Rights act, but the groundwork was laid early. 

(And I am sure they did not all want to be full-blown fascists, but they let them in.)

My thoughts are also definitely influenced by failed Beaverton School District candidate Jeanette Schade and her persistent efforts to bully, harass, and degrade.

Most recently, she is using her page to target harassment against specific teachers and against Tualatin Hills Park & Recreation District, while also helping others learn how to defund schools.

In the case of THPRD, their crime is having an Equity & Inclusion statement on their web site. It acknowledges that many government programs having roots in systemic racism and oppression, and commits to advancing social and racial equity.

How awful! It is if you are committed to your racism. That commitment may involve a refusal to acknowledge that commitment, and it might be mainly a vague discomfort that gets worse as you refuse to think about it, but still, loudly, the only reason to be against equity is if you are committed to the inequality.

My purpose in this is not to target harassment against Schade, though it makes me wonder what the other losing candidates are up to now. For some of them, it was probably mainly an ego trip to be recruited to run. While they are certainly being irritated by new mentions of COVID fighting measures and equality, they may not be doing much about it.

But the organizers are. Communities for Sensible Schools (the Hillsboro group) is planning on running candidates in 2023 as well. For them, "sensible" means not questioning institutional racism, keeping students vulnerable to sexual abuse (which they find superior to giving students ideas that could lead to promiscuity or any sexual agency), and believing the virus is a hoax. That all correlates strongly with being a member of the Trump death cult.

No, we do not need to be organized in harassment of them, but we better be organized in supporting teachers. We better be organized in supporting THPRD and other targets. We better be organized in voting, and fighting voter suppression, and supporting science and equality.

Remember, the Church believes in vaccination and is partnered with the NAACP.

Also remember that the fascists are recruiting Church members and their recruitment efforts are discouragingly successful.

It's great that you're not a Nazi. Don't be the person that lets the Nazis into the bar.

They are constantly working to take the whole thing over.

Not procrastinating issues of life and death

In a Facebook group that was based on people from church (perhaps what made it seem relevant to this blog), one member was doing research. They were polling who had filled out end of life instructions like Advance Directives.

That in itself didn't strike me as much as that almost all of the responses were people saying they were going to. It felt like they were answering confidently, as if filling out and signing the paperwork is a mere formality.

It is not.

Well, it can be, if -- and this "if" is huge -- that intent means that family members have discussed it and key people understand each others' wishes and will honor them. 

All it takes for that to go wrong is for one person to be too distraught too care (which in the case of sudden traumatic injuries leading to brain death, is plausible) or for some of the kinfolk to have moral qualms or disagreement or false hopes (all of which, with humans, it also pretty plausible).

Having signed documents filed with doctors makes it a matter of following the law. It is literally a matter of preparedness.

Unfortunately, people often don't like thinking about death. I get it. That death still happens pretty reliably is a really good reason to spend at least a little time thinking about it. That we can predict the inevitability of death but not the timing is a good reason to get those thoughts in writing and witnessed.

There is a pretty good starting place here: 

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/advance-care-planning-health-care-directives#started

I especially appreciate the section on different decisions. It is not a single "yes"/"no" decision. There are different circumstances to allow for.

Personally, I think if I were unresponsive, but breathing on my own and with brain activity, I would want people to start letting me listen to all the books on my Goodreads reading list that have audio files available. If there were still no progress after that, then remove the feeding tube, but at least I would finally have gotten caught up.

(That is probably at least partially facetious.)

The other thing I want to say is that going through my mother's POLST -- Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment -- registry paperwork with her was a really positive experience for both of us. Although she was starting to lose some memories, she was still answering the questions and understanding them. I was glad that she had that faculty. There was less of her mind left when we signed the durable power of attorney papers, and I regretted that.

(I have seen estimates that one in three seniors will get dementia. That's a hard thought, but maybe there is some thinking to do there, if on nothing else but potential prevention.)

Doctors of senior patients can often be helpful if there are questions. That is where we got the POLST paperwork, and where we turned it in when we were done.

It is not the only issue that should be thought about in advance, but it is a good starting point.

An anniversary

As an extension of my Black Music Month reading and listening, I watched a documentary about a special group recording of "We Are Family", organized by composer Nile Rodgers. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIdA9tNfPOU

In it, someone said how in America we don't tolerate prejudice. It struck wrong, but was immediately followed up by a segment on some of the harassment of Muslims that followed. I appreciate that they did that. I think the person who said it was sincere, but he was wrong, and what he was wrong about matters.

Yesterday was flooded with people sharing memories from September 11th of 2001, twenty years ago.

There are three main memories I have from that day.

• Staring at the television in disbelief as they played the footage of the plane striking the second tower over and over again. That wasn't healthy, but I know a lot of us did it.
• Walking on my lunch break and suddenly feeling fear when a helicopter flew overhead. Work was right by a flight school, so there were helicopters all the time. Suddenly it felt sinister. Everything felt scarier.
• Work was also dead. It was a call center, and there were no calls and no e-mails. We talked to each other, subdued, and were on the internet a lot. 

I was on the IMDb message boards. I remember writing that I knew lots of people were donating blood that day, but I thought I would wait a few days to spread it out. Someone posted that it didn't look like they would be needing much blood. I remember that sinking feeling, realizing that they were not going to be pulling living people out of the wreckage. 

I remember people sharing memories and poems. One person asked about another whom he knew lived near the towers. They had actually argued a few times, but he cared. When that person responded that they were fine, well, he was touched that his antagonist cared, and I was touched.

For all of the shock and fear there was caring too. 

I get why the memories keep coming back. I get why people say "Never forget."

That memory needs to be balanced.

Some people have taken to calling September 11th "Patriot Day", but that reminds me of the Patriot Act, which was a travesty. 

Remember that the following time period included euphemisms for torture (which does not work), invasions of two countries (one completely disconnected, so supported by lies, and one that we just got out of), government contracts going to administration contacts (and then not being fulfilled, at least in the case of Halliburton and Cheney), and many shameful things.

Here's some speculation for you: if Gore won in 2000 it might not have happened.

Because the W. Bush administration had such a focus on Iraq, it ignored other intelligence information, including some warnings from flight schools where the attackers sought out training. 

There would be no reason for Gore to ignore that information. That doesn't guarantee that any follow-up would have been enough, but it at least improves the odds.

That seems like it should matter, given the horror we felt, and the grief at the loss of almost 3000 people. However, some of the people most patriotic about September 11th have actively fought doing anything to counter a pandemic for which the US death toll is now over 660,000.

I can't help but wonder if that election had gone differently, how else we might be different.

It certainly seems likely that if Gore had won, that we would have made more progress on climate change, which was a passion of his. Imagine a twenty year head start on that, especially coming at a time when the government was running a surplus.

If we had not tolerated then that the person running a candidate's campaign was also the secretary of state for a key state; would we have tolerated a candidate who never revealed his taxes sixteen years later?

If we had realized how dangerous it was to have one state have so much influence anyway, and done away with the electoral college then, can you imagine how different the last five years would look?

If we had not allowed Cheney to cheat our soldiers, would we have tolerated all of the grifters and plunderers in the Trump administration? 

And in this what-if, there probably isn't the opportunity for Halliburton to cheat the government, but the point is that what we care about matters. Some of those choices made have made us worse as a people.

That is worth reflecting on.

And since we're doing it, let's remember that part of us still being saddled with Rudy Giuliani is the good will he got as mayor of New York City at that time, but that he was not a particularly good mayor. That included not having updated the radio equipment the fire department used, which may have affected communication and the ability to get some firefighters out. 

It may be too much to say he is responsible for the death of all of the firefighters killed in the tower collapse (over 100), but it is certainly right to say that he did not deserve the adulation that he milked because of this.

And yet, it might still be reasonable to call him "America's Mayor", depending on the America that we choose to be. 

Let me add that the IMDb message boards were deactivated years ago, after having been flooded with racism and sexism where it became too hard to moderate.

There are choices.

Reaching out

I had a disappointing realization a few months ago or so.

I wanted my role in the world to be more heroic, where I could head off bad things and spare pain. It is clear that I will be doing more comforting after the pain has happened. It's disappointing, but perhaps not that surprising.

Last week's post was about trying to decide -- when so many things need fixing -- how to prioritize. In addition to working on improving things (which I have not decided is impossible), it is important to recognize that other people are aware of the crises. They may be angry, sad, scared, and overwhelmed. 

Recognizing those individual needs is an important part of being here.

I had recently been thinking that I need to speak out more. Yes, I am always voicing opinions on the blog, but it occurred to me that I should also be writing directly to key people, and making it more targeted when working for change. 

Perhaps it was a natural extension to then think of it not always being about complaints and suggestions, and not about big world issues.

I just lost a cousin this week, which reminds me that we don't always know how much time we have.

I have also gotten to see some friends, and that helps.

It is really easy to become isolated in these times. That means we need to put in the effort to fight that.

Sometimes it can mean a lot to get a phone call or a card or a text or an e-mail.

• How are you?
• I miss you.
• Just thinking about you.
• Are you doing okay?

Now, for a surprising twist: also consider asking "Can you do this for me?"

I have a tendency to focus on what we do for other people. However, I have been reading and thinking a lot about Audre Lorde's A Burst of Light.

Taken from a journal that she kept after being told that she had liver cancer, throughout Lorde deals with her mortality, making choices about how to deal with the cancer, and the things in her life that are not directly related to the cancer. As much as the writing is fueled by the approach of death, it is truly about life.

Shortly after writing about how her work -- which is often focused on making the world a better and more equal place -- energizes her, she also writes about things that are not work. The most valuable, inspiring service in the world will still tire you, even when it feels like you are gaining a lot from it.

She advises to find what "your soul craves", like a dance class or a quiet spot. That is something we more typically will think of as self-care, but this was the part that was most interesting.

“One secret is to ask as many people as possible for help, depending on all of them and on none of them at the same time. Some will help, others cannot. For the time being.”

That is something that is harder, but if it becomes a common practice, knowing that not everyone can contribute all of the time, but that everyone will have something to offer sometimes, that holds promise.

Yes, perhaps asking someone for help they can't give will make them feel bad, but asking them may also be a vote of confidence.

Asking takes away illusions for the asked about everyone else having it together.

Asking might crush pride and build love.

Asking can build a circle, where everyone is equal.

It's not the only type of interaction to have, but don't rule it out.

Setting priorities when the world is on fire

I have been interviewing for jobs, and a frequent question is how I set my priorities when I have many things to do. 

My standard answer is that I will look at what is most time critical. I will also look at the time needed to do complete tasks, because if I can knock out multiple things quickly there is a mental boost that comes with that, as well as having those items done. In addition, if some of the tasks build on other tasks, then the foundational ones need to come first. 

That is all very logical and practical, but if my intuition is telling me to get to something sooner, I will listen to that.

I had thought that I would probably spend the rest of this year on fighting white supremacy in different ways, going through various areas of concern, potential actions that can be taken, and explaining how they relate to white supremacy when it is less obvious.

I find that this week there is so much to respond to that I don't know where to go.

It certainly felt like the environment was an important area to get to, because it is time critical. However, voting rights may determine whether we have a chance to really do well on the environment or not. While immigration issues were definitely going to come up, events in Afghanistan may hasten some urgency there, as well as raising humanitarian concerns and concerns about what information sources you are listening to and what kind of people we are going to be.

Plus, there was this talk...

If there is one thing I know from blogging, it is that I am not the only one who feels the way I do. At this particular time on this particular planet, there is going to be a lot of pressure on anyone who cares.

Yes, more needs to be done than you are capable of doing. There is a certain logic to despair, but it doesn't help.

One thing to accomplish is an ability to let some things go, with faith that there is not just this life to get things right.

Beyond that, of the things you can do...

• Which is most urgent?
• What can be done quickly?
• Are there some things that need to be done before others can be done?

And also, always, what is your inner voice telling you.

No matter how much needs to be done, what you are capable of doing matters.

COVID-19 says "Don't forget about me!"

There wasn't a post last week, a result of my doing some travel.

It felt great to get away. 

We were as responsible as we could be in terms of being vaccinated, wearing masks, and maintaining distances. It may still have been irresponsible.

Over the course of this last week, I am aware of a memorial service that was attended by one person who then tested positive for Coronavirus, and a day care that had a worker in the infant room test positive, and a memory care facility that has had its first COVID case of the entire pandemic. That is all in Washington county.

There are breakthrough infections, especially as more variants emerge. We are hearing more about the Delta variant, but there are really concerning things about the Lambda variant.

There are also still many people who are not vaccinated. 

This has been called a "pandemic of the unvaccinated".

There is a level at which that makes sense; the odds of infection and of complications are definitely higher without the vaccine. There are also some problems with it.

The first is that our mental image hearing that is of people who are foolishly suspicious of a highly tested vaccine, the effectiveness of which we have been able to observe for several months now, but fine with taking a horse de-wormer after some internet searches. 

(Horse de-worming pills will not cure your COVID. They may bring on liver failure, which could make the COVID less of a priority, but that is clearly not ideal.)

It may feel like you can't effectively communicate with that segment of the population (possibly true), but there are many others with additional obstacles to getting vaccinated.

Children under twelve are still not approved for the vaccine. Also, children are not immune to the virus and do not always survive it. Especially as schools start back up, we need to think about that.

There are people with compromised immune systems. That is a wide umbrella term, but there are some who cannot safely get the vaccine, and some who can get it but will not be fully protected by it.

In addition, while we have the supplies here in the United States to vaccinate all residents, there are many other countries that are not so lucky. 

They are all susceptible. The greater the number of people infected, the greater potential for variants. That increases the danger even for the vaccinated, but also, getting COVID is not your only risk.

Hospitals are getting filled to capacity again. Some already are. There are a lot of different conditions that require hospital care. If you or someone you love needs that, there will be a need for available beds, equipment, supplies, and staff, which cannot be guaranteed now.

I understood the pressure to open back up, but I also strongly believed that it was too soon. That was not merely that not enough people have been vaccinated yet, but also the amount of cases that were out there and still spreading, as well as knowing that it would be harder to close something again than leave it closed.

Yet here we are.

Please, if you haven't gotten vaccinated yet, do it. 

If there are other people you can encourage, do it.

Especially, if you have the ability to help get patents set aside or restrictions waived so other countries can produce their own vaccines, or other methods to help globally, do it.

Then still continue to wear a mask and social distance, because of variants and lag and other issues for which we do not have a magic wand. 

Is it fair? No, but how many of your life problems have been resolved in the interest of fairness?

This is just where we are. It sucks, but we need to act accordingly.

Fighting White Supremacy: Following Black Women

Here I am doing it, despite all of my concerns mentioned last week, plus all of the concerns linked to in that post but expressed much earlier. 

To those concerns, let me just add that if ever I find that someone I know harassed or annoyed someone because of my writing, I will find a way to make that regretted.

The more positive thing that I will say is that it is something that can build up gradually, in a self-sustaining manner. I did not set about intending to follow a lot of Black women and learn from them, but somehow comics and feminism (via Gail Simone) led me to some, and they led to others. 

Then it was not just Black women, but Black men and several brown people and then there were gay and trans and non-binary people and lots of disabled people and more recently I have become connected to a few rabbis who are women, and none of it was expected. There were growing pains at times, but it is a beautiful thing and I am a better person for it. This post will focus exclusively on Black women, but it should be a starting point, not an end.

I still have a deep fondness for my first three, so I am going to start with them.

I am trying to link to pages, but generally there are Twitter links, which is generally where I got started and interact the most. I am not linking to Patreon pages, because those seem to be more helpful after you know you like someone, but don't forget that Patreon can be a great way to contribute.

Sydette Harry:  https://modelviewculture.com/authors/sydette-harry

I adore her. She is especially well informed on tech and media, as well as immigration and vocal performance. She also had a great deal of experience with the limits of white feminism, especially in terms of when it caters to and protects abusive "feminist" men.

Mikki Kendall: https://mikkikendall.com/my-writing/non-fiction/

Especially informed on policing, assault, and gender. I have two of her books that I need to read now, or I would be able to say more, but I can wholeheartedly recommend Amazons, Abolitionists, and Activists: A Graphic History of Women's Fight For Their Rights, which is interesting and covers a lot of ground, but also does well at providing context.

Jamie Nesbitt Golden: https://blockclubchicago.org/author/jamie-nesbitt-golden/

Based in Chicago, Jamie knows a lot about that area and the sexualization of young Black girls, which converges on some really important writing she has done about R. Kelly.

Imani Gandy: https://rewirenewsgroup.com/

She is also the co-host of the #BoomLawyered podcast. She specializes in reproductive justice, which sounds like a focus on abortion access, but is also about maternal health and the ability to raise your children safely. I've heard her speak on this and it was an inspiration. 

Shay Stewart Bouley: https://blackgirlinmaine.com/

Living in Maine, Shay knows a lot about being a Black face in a white space, but she is also the executive director of CCI Boston and recently elected to the Portland Charter Commission.

Tinu Abayomi-Paul: https://medium.com/@tinu

Founder of #EverywhereAccessible and a good source on pain, chronic illness and disability, leading chats and threads on the those topics with humor and compassion. 

April Reign: https://spark.adobe.com/page/0X134IItMApVH/

Good insight on entertainment and representation. Known for #OscarsSoWhite, but also does #ReignyDayJobs as one way of trying to improve inclusion.

Tarana Burke: https://www.taranaburke.com/

Creator of #MeToo and director of Girls for Gender Equity, with many years working with victims of sexual assault. Most recently working on shame and resilience.

Stacey Abrams: https://fairfight.com/about-stacey-abrams/

Expert on voting votes, especially in Georgia, and hopefully an elected leader soon. Wonderful energy and strategic source.

Mari Copeny: https://www.maricopeny.com/

The youngest of the activists, Mari Copeny has been a leading role in Flint's water crisis, and continues to work with both a global and local focus. She is currently leading a school supply drive that can be supported via GoFundMe or Amazon and Target wish lists.

That's it.

On the one hand, it is just ten people, and I have left out many, which gives me a pang.

On the other hand, it is a start. You don't even have to follow all of them, but following a few can lead to more.

The other thing I will add is that as you start listening to Black women, it is likely that there will be moments of discomfort, where nerves are struck. 

That discomfort is a gift if you will learn from it. 

Fighting White Supremacy: Breaking through the inertia

When writing about Stephen Green's examples for Do. Do More. Do Better, I chose the social media example because it tracked with something I had wanted to do, but got stuck on.

I was very aware of the importance of listening to Black women, based on the perspective that they get from facing racism, sexism, and anti-Blackness (this combination can be referred to as misogynoir), as well as their voting patterns historically and their tendency to identify bad actors early because the abuse is often tested out on them. There are so many reasons we should be listening.

I also know that most of the people I know through school, work, and church don't follow a lot of Black women. Society is segregated in general, and it is a real issue in the Portland area. Despite how nice and liberal many people are, they are also not engaging with structural racism or recognizing its impact on them.

(One sign that most of my white liberal friends were not listening to Black women? How many of them kept quoting and referring to Shaun King.)

I followed so many wonderful Black women on Twitter, that I thought I could highlight some, and encourage others to follow them. I had already done the Do of following people of color on social media, so amplifying those voices and encouraging other people to follow them would be in tune with the Do more and Do better.

(So yes, I think those steps are very logical and reasonable.)

Then I could not do it.

It was not just hesitation about the step; the national election was pending and required its own posts, and also I had thrown myself back into blogging too quickly and was having trouble focusing. I took a two-month break from blogging, and when I restarted it was much more personal than political (though it is established that the two are related).

Mainly, I was worried about making things worse.

There can be many concerns that get in our way. Me acting like an authority on whom to follow was a concern; who was I to tell others? I did have some worry about that. I also had some concerns about focusing on Black women so specifically, because I follow people from many marginalizations, and so leaving out this Latina woman who was really great, or various Black men may have been a slight concern.

Still, my biggest concern was that I was going to make life worse for these women. Black women get a lot of abuse on the internet, even from... well, they don't call themselves nice liberals so much as progressives or leftists now, but it happens. There was one notable case just this week. Even people who might not be abusive might still ask a lot of thoughtless questions or keep interjecting "Not all white people!" in the interests of fairness. 

I did not want to be responsible for any of that.

I tried to mitigate that in three posts, which I will link to. (This was on the main blog.)

I also decided to only focus on women with a higher follower count, as they may have better resources, or at least more experience in dealing with trolls and such.

But I still worried, and there was still the question of whether we could get rid of Trump and regain (barely) control of the Senate, and I wasn't in the best state. Together, that meant the post never happened.

I am going to try again, next week, but I want to go through the process of dealing with those concerns.

First of all for that fear of making things worse for people, if I were aware that I had anyone following me who would deliberately be abusive, I would block that person. I might not know there was someone, but if I were to find out, it's an easy decision to block. 

In the past I have been more reluctant to do that, but I don't see a lot of evidence that there is any good influence happening by staying connected to the aggressive racists, so that's a block.

Sticking with people with higher follower counts is probably still a good idea. Where I do most of my following on Twitter, if they have blogs or web sites or Instagram accounts where they post content, that might be a better source. (Though, harassment can happen that way too.)

It can be great to ask someone if they have a preference, or if they would rather not be promoted.

One thing that you learn as you become more aware of structural racism is that it causes a lot of harm; it is always reasonable to be looking for ways to mitigate and prevent harm.

That leads to another one of the problems, that is kind of more complicated; I was trying to do things that I was not in a state to do.

Being anti-racist means learning about horrible things that can take an emotional toll, something that life does anyway. Burnout is real, and where my burnout came more from the care giving, poverty, and job seeking, it was still there, and I was still in denial about my abilities. 

There are times when we need to push ourselves, and times when that is destructive. Knowing the difference is not always easy, but try. I assume that will get easier at some point.

The other problem is much simpler, when you look at it right.

That concern about it being arrogant of me to highlight other people... you can have reasonable thoughts about whether you are centering yourself or others, and which would be appropriate, and work on that. Sometimes, you may get it wrong, and actually you might get other things wrong. Maybe you are reading this and feel vaguely wrong about recently quoting Shaun King.

There are going to be things that feel awkward. There will be things that feel uncomfortable. We are so used to the racist underpinnings, and the tacit agreement to that talking about some things is rude, and then you find it is necessary.

Welcome the discomfort. It will take a long time before we can be comfortable with our legacy of racism, but once you are aware, you should not be comfortable with silence either.

Try not to harm. If there needs to be a choice made, choose the oppressed over the oppressors.

I'm not saying it's fun, but it is right and necessary.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/10/why-we-should-listen-to-black-women.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/10/listening-to-black-women-101.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/10/listening-to-black-women-pre-requisites.html

Fighting White Supremacy: Following through

This article has been on my mind for several weeks:

https://greenerpasturesnw.medium.com/eight-minutes-46-seconds-and-365-days-c49a3956b797

It was posted on June 2nd, but acknowledging a year since the death of George Floyd on May 25th, 2020.

Medium contributor, speaker, and local businessman Stephen Green writes about the immediate surge of support, with protests and Facebook profile edits. He then notes that in the year since (longer now), police have killed an additional 229 Black people, and support for Black Lives Matter has decreased while support for law enforcement has increased.

That is discouraging, though not as surprising as one might hope.

In the article, Green also refers to a pledge with over 400 signatories:

https://www.iwilldomore.org/

You have to scroll down for it, but there are also concrete suggestions on things that one can do, and three phases for each suggestion.

For example, first you might start by following new Black people on social media. Do.

Then, since you are following new voices, you can choose to amplify one of them each week. Do more.

Then you could move on from retweeting and posting to suggesting others follow them. Do better.

That is an extreme simplification of one suggestion. Obviously, I want you to read the links, and see what he says in his own words.

I do want to point out some things.

First, notice what a natural progression it is. You have a suggested course of action there, but it is also one that might flow naturally.

Second, it increases your exposure to voices that you might not normally hear. It is very easy for white voices to drown out everything else, and even the nicest white people will miss things about the current state of racism. Increasing the points of view that you take in is important, and easy to neglect. However, I do believe that conscious action here can change you.

(Notice that this specific post is pointing you to someone else.) 

Finally, I want to point out that I didn't use "finally" in listing those steps. Just as these steps can lead to each other (possibly requiring some nudging), as you know more, understand more, and empathize more, there shouldn't be an end. Not until we are all free and equal.

Fighting White Supremacy: Sincerity

I am pretty sick of humanity right now. That is the virus spreading, of course, but not exclusively.

This particular complaint comes from a tweet by Amanda Marcotte, a blogger and writer who is considered liberal, but I would say is more leftist, at least in terms of tendency to criticize more traditional  liberal positions.

This particular tweet was part of a short thread complaining about people who have been vaccinated still wearing masks.

https://twitter.com/AmandaMarcotte/status/1416078552953409544

I have been pretty consistent on this: due to the number of people that are still not vaccinated, allowing more mutation; plus the already present Delta variant; plus as a means of keeping things safer for those working public-facing jobs in a world where there are people who would like to spread the disease as a proof of their defiant conservatism, there are plenty of reasons why masking and social distancing should remain the norm for now. You see all of those disease spikes as people started easing restrictions? Maybe that means it was premature.

Now, is it specifically the vaccinated people not wearing masks who are spreading it? With the Delta variant, that is a real possibility.

In five tweets, Marcotte refers to "mask theater", a way of performing political identity (that she can't relate to, because she prefers concert T-shirts), and accuses it of making the pandemic worse because it politicizes COVID fear as a liberal concern.

It's condescending, and not well-reasoned, but that level of condescension usually is not built on great reasoning. After all, facts can really get in the way of a superiority complex.

Also, I think it might be reasonable to say that conservatives have politicized everything about the virus so much that nothing liberals can do will depoliticize it. The off-chance that being completely reckless will bring them around is too irresponsible even if it were likely to work. It is not.

This is why I assume Marcotte is more of a leftist than a liberal; no matter how bad conservatives get, it is always liberals' fault, and the need to change is on them.

That is irritating, but it's not why I am writing this post. It is the part about "identity performance".

Marcotte got a lot of disagreeing replies (including from me), with people masking for their children, their fragile seniors, and their immune-compromised loved ones. No one appears to be doing it to own the conservatives.

In fact, most of them seem to be motivated by love for those they know, and concern and generosity for those they don't know.

It is more common to use "woke" for an epithet now, but once upon a time it was SJW, for Social Justice Warrior. (I'm sure it still gets used.)

When I first heard the term I didn't think that I could be called a warrior for anything, but how was it an insult that you would fight for justice of any kind? Was it the social part?

In fact, the insult was the assumption that any arguments or actions that people took was to look good. No one sincerely cared about social justice, but people who felt guilty about that would pretend, so the real courage and authenticity was, apparently, proud racism. 

There may also be people who think it's a stupid thing to care about social justice, or at least pointless, but yes, at the time I remember that the arguments mainly impugned the sincerity.

Humans are complicated, and the things we do may have multiple motivations. I still know that I sincerely care about others, and I am not alone in that. 

For as much as I get tired of people, I still know people that I love. I still see people that I do not know being patient or kind or looking tired or trying, and I feel love for them.

I get that there is a certain satisfaction that can come from looking down on the sheeple trying to prove things that you are way too cool to care about, but I want to punch people who find that satisfying. I don't, because I am trying to be better. 

In fact, I am trying to be like Christ. Not with his power to heal, but at least doing what I can to not spread disease.

In fact, if the only way in which you fight for social justice or any kind of human welfare is to score points on those who aren't doing it right, I promise you that you are upholding white supremacy.

Fighting White Supremacy: Praying for it

Recently, in the post on Juneteenth, I suggested that perhaps the best practice we could start is praying to end racism. 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2021/06/fighting-white-supremacy-meaning-of.html

I intended to start doing that in my family, but I found myself stymied by how to word that prayer.

"Please end racism," seemed too broad or too far off.

That may be getting hung up on nothing, but I believe that a lot of prayer's effectiveness comes from us keeping what we are praying for fresh in our minds. We are then open to ideas of things we can do better. We are open to change for ourselves.

"Please help us to not be racist."

That might be the right prayer. It also may not be enough. My family has gotten way better at recognizing and rejecting racism. Homophobia is a little harder, and ableism is not as much on the radar as I would like.

"Please help us to be more wise and loving."

Maybe. I mean, there are injunctions to pray for charity and to seek for wisdom in the scriptures. That might be the issue, except there are so many people who know they need to have charity and are still so comfortable with various types of bigotry. That is one of my primary complaints right now. I just wrote a letter to President Nelson about it.

"Please help us as a church to become less racist."

That might be it. We need it as a country too. We need it as a world. 

That is where I worry that the prayer "Please end racism" is too big. The need to end racism is big, but it feels like it will take many smaller steps.

It might be helpful to pray for schools and teachers now. What we learn of history and literature and culture can be a big part of understanding the world, and there are fragile people fighting tooth and nail for white supremacy at the school level. I am quite sure that losing elections will be only a temporary setback for them, but that is all the more reason that we need to keep it in mind. That is all the more reason to pray.

One thing I frequently find is that when we are moving to a new phase, we are acquiring new vocabulary for it. Finding new ways to understand and communicate is necessary for progress. 

Maybe we have not seriously considered eradicating racism enough to know how to talk about it in ways that don't sound awkward.

I will take the awkwardness over the continuing white supremacy. The awkwardness is the the path of growth; staying with comfortable bigotry can only end in suffering and stagnation.

"Father, please help us to fight racism, within and without."

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Fighting White Supremacy: When it feels like betraying your heritage

Is everyone thoroughly tired of me referring to Critical Race Theory yet?

This isn't really about that, at least not in the sense of what Critical Race Theory really is. If instead we think of the conservative bogeyman of any history that does not center and laud the actions of straight white men, well... I am thinking about the shortcomings of that system on this 4th of July.

(I admit to thinking about it a lot during the rest of the year too.)

I do understand where members may feel reluctant to criticize various aspects of US history. After all, The Book of Mormon clearly refers to Columbus and the Pilgrims, we believe, and shows them as an important part of the restoration of the gospel here. We have many conference talks and Ensign articles about how the Constitution is inspired. 

With that background, it may be uncomfortable to think about Columbus being so zealous in his pursuit of gold that it led to slavery, murder, punitive amputations and genocide, or that one of the earliest Thanksgiving feasts was a celebration of a massacre of Indians, or seeing how the Constitution enshrined racism (which the Supreme Court keeps upholding).

Arguments that the Constitution requires a righteous country works, as long as you will agree that racism is wicked, but racism was also codified in our Church for over a century.

So, how do we reconcile ourselves to this?

I have three thoughts for consideration.

First is that things foretold in prophecy aren't necessarily good. There are things that God makes happen, like having a plan in place, and a savior, and sending that savior into the world. There are also things that perhaps are not wrought by God, but are seen and allowed. 

(There is a whole other reconciliation to be done with agency and that we are allowed to choose evil, which many of us frequently do, but those choices and the path to healing from them is covered in the plan.)

But Nephi said that Columbus was inspired! Yes, well, definitely so was Brigham Young, but there's that racism thing again. It is possible that Columbus was a better man at first, and then the ease of enslaving the Arawak went to his head; it would not be the first time fame and pursuit of wealth has corrupted. We can like our life here and be grateful for that without making Columbus a hero or the colonization of the Americas an unquestioned good. It is imperative that we do, because when we don't acknowledge past wrongs we perpetuate them for the present and future.

(ETA: It seems important to clarify that I do not believe that the ban on Black men holding the priesthood was expired. I do assume that overseeing the exodus to Utah and temple building and many other things required inspiration, and that Brigham Young did get it. I also acknowledge that many other people were fine with the ban being instituted and prolonged.)

It is perhaps worth noting here that "Columbus Day" was not a regular official holiday until the Knights of Columbus lobbied for it in 1934, as a way of getting Italian-Americans more accepted. One of the earlier celebrations in 1892 followed the lynching of 11 Italian immigrants by a mob. In trying to quell one type of prejudice, we reinforced another. Surely we can do better than that.

But we needed a free country for the gospel to be restored!

Yes, and this gets us to the third of the thoughts: is it possible that in a country not built on slavery and genocide, that the gospel wouldn't have required so many martyrs?

Because technically if we had freedom of religion, the early Saints being murdered and jailed shouldn't have been a thing. 

There is a limit to how much good it does to imagine different historical possibilities; what's done is done. 

There is a lot to be gained from honestly assessing where we are now, and how we can do better. 

Loyalty to wrongs glossed over with lies will not allow for that.

Those who follow Christ should never be saying "America, right or wrong!" because we should be too committed to right for that.

Beyond that, I assure you that we can handle that. We don't need to be afraid of uncomfortable truths.

There is a plan, and it is a good plan, and there is room for everyone in it.

Additional reading:

https://rapidcityjournal.com/lifestyles/people/top-5-atrocities-committed-by-christopher-columbus/collection_76ebb2b8-f63d-11e3-a137-001a4bcf887a.html#5

https://tlio.org.uk/1637-pequot-massacre-%E2%80%8Bthe-real-story-of-thanksgiving/ 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbus_Day

Fighting White Supremacy: Elder care

Although I have been thinking about many other topics, it is hard to think about anything but the heat today.

For those not aware, I live in the Portland Oregon Metro region. Right now we are experiencing record heat. The predicted highs for today and tomorrow are 114 and 115, followed by another week in the 90s.

This area is not built for it. The houses are not built for that kind of heat, the local wildlife is not built for it, and the growing homeless population should not have to deal with it. 

I have been thinking about all of that: global warming, the high cost of housing, and economic inequality. I could write about all of those things, and how they relate to white supremacy, but there is this memory that keeps coming back to me.

It was a pretty warm day (though not like today) and I was caring for my mother. She wanted to go "home" -- no longer recognizing home -- and I could not distract her or soothe her. She got really mad, and I eventually had to let her go out the door and just follow her. She was mad at me and was hoping we would encounter a police officer so she could report me, but I just kept following. 

I was worried as she was getting closer to one busy corner, but she started to tire then, and lose her confidence that where she was going was just a little bit further ahead. I let her lean on me for a while. At that point, I was not going to be able to get her back to the house, so we crossed and I went to where I knew we could find a bench, then called my sister to come get us.

Other times when she was insistent on going home, I would take her for a walk "home", hoping it would placate her. One of those times she slipped in gravel. She wasn't hurt, but I had a hard time getting her back up.

As grateful as I am for air conditioning and foods in the fridge that we don't have to cook and clean water to drink, the flash of gratitude that keeps washing over me is gratitude that Mom is safe. She is in a facility with lots of people that she can talk to (which became what she needed; it wasn't always) and with ventilation and with security systems in place where she will not be able to slip out and get lost in this heat.

Another local man with dementia has been missing for over a month now. It seems most likely that he is dead. That may be better to think about than imagining him still wandering in this heat, but it is hard to take comfort in that.

My mother's memory care facility has been great for her, but the only reason she can be there is because when we were trying to get me paid for staying here and watching her, that involved getting her onto Medicaid. 

That process took at least three tries. The first time, I remember the person discouraging me. She implied there wasn't a point, because usually once seniors are eligible for that care, they are always trying to run away and need to be put in a home. Again, that process was absolutely integral to being able to have her in a home, but that was not indicated. I just remember feeling really pessimistic.

The next time, I was sent confusing, awful paperwork that I eventually realized had no instructions for sending it back. When I called to ask about that I was told the application had expired, even though I had not been told there was an expiration date, or when it was.

Eventually, a friend got Aging Services to call me, and the person from Aging Services helped me restart the process. Between her experience and my knowledge from the times I'd been burned before, this time we made it.

I feel fortunate, but it was a fortune that involved going into foreclosure twice, losing all of my savings and retirement, and worsening my debt. 

We were still able to keep her safe. We know many people who are caring for relatives and have to leave them unsupervised at times because of job responsibilities. Sometimes that ends in tragedy, but sometimes it is just successfully navigating a nightmare. That requires dedication, but there is also an element of luck that is beyond your control.

I had thought I might write today about how things that are done to try and run out the homeless in turn make life harder for the elderly, and the disabled, and pregnant women and everyone, really.

All of the things we do to look down on one group affect other groups. That includes making navigation harder for seniors whose minds are intact, but who may still be slower and less agile.

In talking about elder care now, the discussion often focuses on doing things to make in-home care more feasible. That is a real need, but sometimes facilities are necessary too. 

Sometimes there needs to be another person in the home. It is helpful if doing that will not result in the home being lost to the bank. People are more important to things, but if choosing the person means losing everything else, that is a hard bargain to make.

Remember that with white supremacy, everything that we do to reinforce the existing structure will hit the marginalized harder. That multiplies with multiple marginalizations.

At some point the key to overcoming white supremacy is going to have to be that we want everyone doing well, and we that want it more than we want the possibility of becoming individually very rich.

Perhaps it will help to remember that the possibility is slim.

Fighting White Supremacy: The meaning of Juneteenth for the white person

That title is a reference to a speech given by Frederick Douglass on July 5th, 1852.

https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927t.html

I think it is a good reminder of the history leading up to the Civil War, but we need to think about the history after it. That includes slave owners sending slaves to Texas to try and preserve ownership, the need of military force in Texas to stop the thoroughly illegal but still continuing slavery, and continued murder and brute force after that.

https://forward.com/opinion/471597/juneteenth-what-really-happened/

Then you have the rise of the KKK, false arrests of the newly freed to make them slaves that way, Jim Crow codes to codify inequality, redlining, white flight, the War on Drugs, Lee Atwater's skill with dog whistles, police brutality and continual -- even at this very moment -- voter suppression.

White people have historically clung to slavery and racism.

That made me a little cynical about the declaration of a new national holiday, except that it makes Opal Lee so happy:

https://variety.com/2021/politics/features/activist-opal-lee-juneteenth-holiday-1234998507/

Symbols can matter, especially as reminders. Our country has a new reminder of its racist past. What are we going to do with it?

(Yes, I know it happened yesterday, but if you didn't commemorate it, it's okay if you do some of these things on other days.)

I have thought about this before, and thought that perhaps the best thing white people could do on Juneteenth was some sort of educational events, but we should also be giving Black people the day off. It's not their job to teach us. I mean, they are teaching us, all the time, but we can take some responsibility for that.

It's certainly not a time to pat ourselves on the back.

Juneteenth might be a good time to watch something educational: thoughts I had for Juneteenth watching included a special on the Tulsa Race Massacre, the "Minty" episode of Underground, or One Night in Miami.

The documentary Slavery By Another Name would also be a very relevant choice:

https://www.pbs.org/tpt/slavery-by-another-name/home/

One precaution to keep in mind is that it is easy to focus on Black pain, reducing Black people to the suffering of slavery. Black joy is important too.

Juneteenth can be used to support Black businesses. A great way to celebrate could be ordering from a Black-owned restaurant:

https://iloveblackfood.com/pdx-directory/

Direct giving is also often a life saver for the recipients. There have been a few Twitter threads with suggestions.

There should be some time for introspection; what have you done to acknowledge your white privilege and look beyond it?

Vote.org suggested taking a moment on Juneteenth to check that your voter registration is still active. That has a practical application, but also is a real reminder of constant efforts to disenfranchise Black voters.

Perhaps this is a good time to consider the Black people in your life. Might they need you to back them up at work? If they needed your support, would they have reason to feel comfortable asking you? Maybe it makes sense to send Juneteeth cards or notes or small gifts. Just don't do it in a way that puts obligation on them.

Possibly I should specify African-American, as we do have Black people (especially immigrants) whose families were not brought here via slavery. I am afraid, though, that they will face many of the same prejudices, and perhaps even more after a generation as they become more assimilated. White supremacy hurts everyone, but there is a logic to focusing specifically on the legacy of slavery for this day.

I know, it's a lot of "coulds" and "maybes", but this is personal. Where you are will have to dictate where you go next.

As always, I do believe that guidance is possible; you can find the most important area for improvement and the most practical path forward for you. I would like to suggest one other possibility, inspired by a conversation with a friend.

We were talking about racism in the church, and she told me about remembering in the 80s when people would pray for the fall of the Iron Curtain all of the time, so that missionaries could go there.

We can go to most countries now, but we aren't bringing our best if we are not engaging with the harmful legacy of racism in our church, and racism and slavery in our country.

So perhaps the best practice you can add to your life is praying for an end to racism. Whether that prayer ends up being more about rooting it out from your own heart and subconscious, or for the toppling of racist structures, making it a regular part of prayer means that you are remembering it, and keeping your heart open to inspiration. 

When you do that, there is always something to do next. Even when it is hard, that is beautiful.