Why I stay

I know; it has been a few weeks. 

Work takes more out of me than I would like, and I feel like I just need to regroup, without being completely sure if that will involve me exhorting to repentance or focusing on doomsday prepping.

Today, though, I want to give a gift for all of my liberal member friends, frustrated with the ignorance and angry at the bigotry.

I know I have mentioned in other posts that one reason I stay is that I don't want the church to be full of only bigots. That would be a terrible direction, and there are already enough forces pushing in that direction.

Ultimately, though, my testimony is still present. For all I have seen about the insidiousness of patriarchy and white supremacy -- which is not limited to the church -- I have gained meaning and felt truth from different things, and that is reason enough to stay.

I know that the gift of the Holy Ghost makes a difference. I have seen that for myself and others. Therefore, I do believe in the power of the priesthood. 

Related to that, I also know that the temple ordinances have value, especially at times as I have been guided in research and name submission and felt the desires on the other side to have their work done, and their joy as it was completed. 

Access to the temple is a reason to stay.

I miss the times when the fellowship felt better, when there was more spirituality to be felt in the talks and lessons, but there are still good people there, and I do still feel ways to serve, which matters to me.

With priesthood and temples and additional scriptures -- with all of that which should be constantly be leading us to greater humility and overflowing charity -- it does feel tragic that so many are trading that birthright for the right to feel superior to others and a constant anger. There is nothing in any of the scriptures that backs that up. 

That is the natural man.

The scriptures do not back up the hedge fund. 

But I accept that people are imperfect, and that they can still do good, and that can be a source of comfort as I deal with my own imperfections, which are many.

If you cannot go now, I cannot judge that decision. I have had to face that there may be a time when I have to choose between my integrity and my attendance. That didn't feel great, but it was also a relief, to know that time is not here for me, and that I can trust myself to know.

Wherever you are, I hope it is a good place for you, chosen consciously, and on a path to where you need to be. 

With my whole heart, merry Christmas.