Reaching out

I had a disappointing realization a few months ago or so.

I wanted my role in the world to be more heroic, where I could head off bad things and spare pain. It is clear that I will be doing more comforting after the pain has happened. It's disappointing, but perhaps not that surprising.

Last week's post was about trying to decide -- when so many things need fixing -- how to prioritize. In addition to working on improving things (which I have not decided is impossible), it is important to recognize that other people are aware of the crises. They may be angry, sad, scared, and overwhelmed. 

Recognizing those individual needs is an important part of being here.

I had recently been thinking that I need to speak out more. Yes, I am always voicing opinions on the blog, but it occurred to me that I should also be writing directly to key people, and making it more targeted when working for change. 

Perhaps it was a natural extension to then think of it not always being about complaints and suggestions, and not about big world issues.

I just lost a cousin this week, which reminds me that we don't always know how much time we have.

I have also gotten to see some friends, and that helps.

It is really easy to become isolated in these times. That means we need to put in the effort to fight that.

Sometimes it can mean a lot to get a phone call or a card or a text or an e-mail.

• How are you?
• I miss you.
• Just thinking about you.
• Are you doing okay?

Now, for a surprising twist: also consider asking "Can you do this for me?"

I have a tendency to focus on what we do for other people. However, I have been reading and thinking a lot about Audre Lorde's A Burst of Light.

Taken from a journal that she kept after being told that she had liver cancer, throughout Lorde deals with her mortality, making choices about how to deal with the cancer, and the things in her life that are not directly related to the cancer. As much as the writing is fueled by the approach of death, it is truly about life.

Shortly after writing about how her work -- which is often focused on making the world a better and more equal place -- energizes her, she also writes about things that are not work. The most valuable, inspiring service in the world will still tire you, even when it feels like you are gaining a lot from it.

She advises to find what "your soul craves", like a dance class or a quiet spot. That is something we more typically will think of as self-care, but this was the part that was most interesting.

“One secret is to ask as many people as possible for help, depending on all of them and on none of them at the same time. Some will help, others cannot. For the time being.”

That is something that is harder, but if it becomes a common practice, knowing that not everyone can contribute all of the time, but that everyone will have something to offer sometimes, that holds promise.

Yes, perhaps asking someone for help they can't give will make them feel bad, but asking them may also be a vote of confidence.

Asking takes away illusions for the asked about everyone else having it together.

Asking might crush pride and build love.

Asking can build a circle, where everyone is equal.

It's not the only type of interaction to have, but don't rule it out.