On the main blog I am writing about the BAFTAs. I believe the Tuesday post will be about apologies. Perhaps that is why I have been thinking of this.
Last conference, Elder Rasband spoke about a new chair at University of Utah: The Dr. Russell M. and Dantzel W. Nelson Presidential Chair in Cardiothoracic Surgery.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/10/55renlund?lang=eng
Dr. Selzman, the first person to hold the professorship, had an experience before he accepted it. After a long day, a patient needed to go back into surgery. That meant the long day was going to stretch into the night. Frustrated, he thought...
"On Friday, I will be appointed to a professorship named after Dr. Nelson. He was always known as someone who kept his emotions in check, treated everyone with respect, and never lost his temper. Now that my name will be linked with his, I need to try to be more like him."
Instead of letting that frustration show to his team, he resolved to make a "conscientious effort to be especially supportive and understanding of his team."
That led to not only how he would act, but how that division would train:
“I do what we now teach our trainees to do—focus, get over it, and do the best you can. This ethos lives in us every day."
That is a good ethos, but the story made more of an impact on me because of another story I remembered from a talk two years earlier:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/04/47nelson?lang=eng
President Nelson spoke of being a surgical intern assisting with an amputation on a leg filled with gangrene.
Another member of the surgical team did something poorly, and the surgeon flew into a temper. The tantrum included throwing the scalpel that would have been full of germs. While it had not been specifically aimed, the scalpel landed in Dr. Nelson's forearm.
That was a breach of good practice, and everyone was horrified except, apparently, the offending surgeon. President Nelson said...
"Gratefully, I did not become infected. But this experience left a lasting impression on me. In that very hour, I promised myself that whatever happened in my operating room, I would never lose control of my emotions. I also vowed that day never to throw anything in anger—whether it be scalpels or words."
It would be wonderful to think that President Nelson would have had that attitude and patience anyway, but we can learn from an other's mistakes. He saw not only a bad example, and something that shouldn't have happened, but he also faced an actual danger from it.
With him mentioning specifically that everyone was horrified except the surgeon, I assume there was no apology. Probably the surgeon went back to the procedure and everyone else had to go along with it; that was the person in charge and you do have a patient there who needs the surgery continued.
When someone is potentially at the risk of dangerous infection because of your recklessness and lack of control, that seems like a reasonable time to apologize. That would not have to cause a long delay either. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Will you please help him and then you please give me a new scalpel?"
I am sure that they did continue the surgery and I hope someone helped with the new wound. It wouldn't take too long to at least pay tribute to doing the right thing.
The problem is that comes with an admission of guilt.
I don't know that there was nothing learned by that surgeon either. Maybe he was gentler with his staff in the future, or maybe he would still periodically hurl verbal abuse but never, ever threw another scalpel. You can quietly affirm to do better.
I worry, though, that not openly admitting fault makes it less likely that you will inwardly admit the need for change, and then make the change.
That's why these non-apologies -- I am sorry if you were offended, if you got your feelings hurt, if you misunderstood -- don't satisfy. There is not discomfort with the wrong; just discomfort that other people noticed.
There is so much room for improvement.
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