This post is going to wander.
I have been thinking about things like navigating when you might take back someone you cut off, or at least whom you have called out, and they want to make things right. How do you talk about doing the work?
I have also been thinking about emergency preparedness and protest and planning for things.
There is also an apparently very diverse topic in mind on how older men should consider whether a relationship would be harmful to a young woman, even if she is pursuing and legal.
Then Bob Bryar died.
Well, it's more that his body was found. He had apparently been dead for about three weeks.
If you don't know, Bob Bryar was the second drummer for My Chemical Romance, a band that has been very important to me. That's a whole different story.
He has been out of the band for some time -- not on great terms -- and had gone full MAGA. He posted a lot of ugly things, mostly racist but not limited to racism. He deleted a lot of those posts, but he was alienating people pretty hard.
A welfare check on his dogs led to the discovery of his body. With the state of decomposition, I am not sure how easy it will be to determine what happened.
It made me think about another friend who has been melting down worse and worse. People have been asking if he is okay, but he wasn't responding, though he was still posting new things. I checked, and he has deleted his Facebook account.
I believe his family will at least try and keep tabs on him. I don't know whether they can do enough, but I at least think that if the worst happens, he will be found quickly. I know people for whom that wasn't true.
I am not changing my stance that there are times when it is best to cut people off. There are people that are dangerous, there are people that are draining, there are people that are toxic... you do not have to subject yourself to that.
There may also be times when it is worth it to hang in there.
What I am really saying is that it makes a lot of sense to spend some time taking an inventory. What are you worried about? What are your resources? What are you not prepared for?
To give an example, my blood sugar has been a little more erratic lately. I have been reading a lot about protest, and things that can be effective. Sometimes that involves arrests, and that seems like a really bad idea for me health-wise.
I thought this post would be about deciding on taking back someone you had cut off, but there can be that before step too: if you do cut them off, do they have other support? What is the loss to you? What is the gain? Would there be something you couldn't live with? What would need to be different?
While it seems more mundane, it's not a bad idea to think about if someone you care about disappears off social media. Would you have a way to contact them? I haven't had a number for Eli for a long time. I'm not saying I would be the most effective person to reach out, but I don't have the option either way.
I've always been a fan of thinking about things. It is more recently that I have understood the value of harm reduction, but it is important.
Other people may not agree with your choices.
When I kept prioritizing my mother's well-being over various needs or wants for me, I had one friend who kept trying to change my mind. There were things I needed to change, like regularly scheduling respite, and I am not denying it took a toll; that toll is still felt. However, I have lived up to what I felt was needed, and I can live with that. I don't regret that.
A different friend tried very hard to convince me that I would regret not being in contact with my father, especially if he died. I know I will have unhappy feelings, but this feels right for me.
It would not have been right for her, but her relationship with her father was completely different, even though it still had its problems.
As much as the future is unknown, there are things we can guess and tell and have concerns about despite uncertainty.
I encourage you to spend some time thinking about your priorities and abilities. While doing that, please carry kindness and grace in those thoughts, for yourself and for others.
Luke 14:
28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?
29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him,
30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?
32 Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace.
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