Counting the cost, part 2

In thinking about ways of getting more prepared, I keep banging my head against possibilities.

For example, I expect supply chain disruptions, so I think stocking up on necessities would be a good idea.

I am so broke. 

I could think about think about things that it would be good to have, but there may not be much point to that thinking.

I am not as worried about that as I could be. There is a real frustration to being broke and not hearing back on job applications -- that is totally discouraging -- but at this point I am not despairing over not having a year's supply of food and toiletries and clothing and two week's supply of water. That could change, but it doesn't feel like the priority for now.

One part of that is that I do believe in intuition and inspiration. We can all receive guidance and it will not lead us all in the same direction, even for similar circumstances.

The other part of that is understanding that some of us have more resources than others, and that gives us different opportunities.

For example, Nassau County in New York enacted a ban on face masks. You can imagine how I would feel about that.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/wear-damn-mask.html 

Often the people who are most aware of the need for masking are disabled. Based on other problems with our society, they are often also poor. They might not be the people best able to risk challenging a mask ban.

People who have money and connections could often be the most useful. They rarely are, but they could be.

The questions I keep asking myself lately are what am I supposed to do and what lack I yet.

"What lack I yet?" comes from the story of the rich young man told in Matthew 19. He was an essentially righteous person, but felt that he needed more. Jesus diagnosed him as being too attached to his wealth, but also capable of great service and probably leadership. He said, "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me."

That's not going to be the answer for everyone, but is there something you are not thinking about that you could be doing? Is there more that you have to give?

Then the other part of that is not to judge others. 

It might be very wise to start building up a food storage now, or to have had one that you were rotating all along, but there are people who can't do it. Are you going to decide that they have been unwise and feel superior, or are you going to acknowledge that for all of the good decisions you have made, you do not have full control over what choices you are presented?

The latter should helps us grow in gratitude for what we have and compassion for others.

If you do not have those, that is something that you lack.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/11/emergency-preparedness-redux.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/12/counting-cost.html  

Changing frames

On Sundays I go over the previous week and figure out what I want to accomplish in the upcoming week.

I always have lots to do, and I do not always estimate how long some things will take. This can be a source of frustration.

Last week I got more done than usual. I hoped it signaled turning a corner and getting better at this.

That is not how it worked out.

One thing I had not gotten done was this assignment for school that was just taking forever. It involved fifty definitions and open questions, going over design process models, learning approaches, and psychological philosophies related to learning. I didn't think it would be fast, but I had to keep adjusting my expectations.

I haven't officially gone over this week yet, but it feels like completing the paper is the only thing I accomplished this week. I can probably still finish a book and send a friend e-mail, but it's going to look pretty weak by comparison.

Fortunately, there were some interesting thoughts on weakness in Sunday school last week.

We were talking about Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Brother Taylor, who works in mental health, said that he often has to help people reframe how they think. It is common to interpret it as us overcoming the weakness. For example, we are impatient, so we work on that and eventually we become patient. Maybe instead we learn to use impatience as a strength, like maybe we are impatient with injustice.

Right before he said that I had been thinking about how some people channel their ADHD. It was an interesting way of looking at it.

One thing that has often seemed to be a weakness for me is that sometimes I just can't settle down when I need to focus. I often relate it to procrastination, but there are things I suddenly have to look up, or check on, and getting down to the task at hand is very difficult.

(This was on my mind more because of the assignment.) 

Another thing I have thought of as a weakness is that when I am on task for something, I have a hard time reacting to interruptions. This is often more social, where I have in mind someone that I need to talk to about something, or even an errand in a store, and un unplanned social interaction presents itself and I have a hard time switching into that mode and conversing. I have thought of this more as social awkwardness.

Maybe, though, my focus can be very good, and my remembering and being interested in many things can be very good, as long as I can get them to play nicely with each other.

Maybe they won't even be weaknesses if they can learn to take turns. 

There aren't strong conclusions to be drawn here, but what I hope this does contain is encouragement to think positively about your own quirks and hope that there can be good ways of harnessing them.

If we harness our powers against injustice, so much the better. 

Counting the cost

This post is going to wander. 

I have been thinking about things like navigating when you might take back someone you cut off, or at least whom you have called out, and they want to make things right. How do you talk about doing the work?

I have also been thinking about emergency preparedness and protest and planning for things. 

There is also an apparently very diverse topic in mind on how older men should consider whether a relationship would be harmful to a young woman, even if she is pursuing and legal.

Then Bob Bryar died. 

Well, it's more that his body was found. He had apparently been dead for about three weeks.

If you don't know, Bob Bryar was the second drummer for My Chemical Romance, a band that has been very important to me. That's a whole different story. 

He has been out of the band for some time -- not on great terms -- and had gone full MAGA. He posted a lot of ugly things, mostly racist but not limited to racism. He deleted a lot of those posts, but he was alienating people pretty hard. 

A welfare check on his dogs led to the discovery of his body. With the state of decomposition, I am not sure how easy it will be to determine what happened.

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/bob-bryar-former-my-chemical-romance-drummer-obituary-1235187261/ 

It made me think about another friend who has been melting down worse and worse. People have been asking if he is okay, but he wasn't responding, though he was still posting new things. I checked, and he has deleted his Facebook account.

I believe his family will at least try and keep tabs on him. I don't know whether they can do enough, but I at least think that if the worst happens, he will be found quickly. I know people for whom that wasn't true.

I am not changing my stance that there are times when it is best to cut people off. There are people that are dangerous, there are people that are draining, there are people that are toxic... you do not have to subject yourself to that.

There may also be times when it is worth it to hang in there. 

What I am really saying is that it makes a lot of sense to spend some time taking an inventory. What are you worried about? What are your resources? What are you not prepared for?

To give an example, my blood sugar has been a little more erratic lately. I have been reading a lot about protest, and things that can be effective. Sometimes that involves arrests, and that seems like a really bad idea for me health-wise. 

I thought this post would be about deciding on taking back someone you had cut off, but there can be that before step too: if you do cut them off, do they have other support? What is the loss to you? What is the gain? Would there be something you couldn't live with? What would need to be different?

While it seems more mundane, it's not a bad idea to think about if someone you care about disappears off social media. Would you have a way to contact them? I haven't had a number for Eli for a long time. I'm not saying I would be the most effective person to reach out, but I don't have the option either way.

I've always been a fan of thinking about things. It is more recently that I have understood the value of harm reduction, but it is important.

Other people may not agree with your choices.

When I kept prioritizing my mother's well-being over various needs or wants for me, I had one friend who kept trying to change my mind. There were things I needed to change, like regularly scheduling respite, and I am not denying it took a toll; that toll is still felt. However, I have lived up to what I felt was needed, and I can live with that. I don't regret that.

A different friend tried very hard to convince me that I would regret not being in contact with my father, especially if he died. I know I will have unhappy feelings, but this feels right for me.

It would not have been right for her, but her relationship with her father was completely different, even though it still had its problems.  

As much as the future is unknown, there are things we can guess and tell and have concerns about despite uncertainty. 

I encourage you to spend some time thinking about your priorities and abilities. While doing that, please carry kindness and grace in those thoughts, for yourself and for others. 

Luke 14:

28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?

29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him,

30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.

31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?

32 Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace.

Emergency Preparedness, redux

This blog started in December 2008, but its roots go much farther back.

Heading to Australia and New Zealand for a month in September of 2008, I lost my job and the economy crashed. There was so much happening politically and I had so much travel to write about that I created a travel blog in addition to the main blog.

At the same time, I was doing an emergency preparedness newsletter. It was not the first time I had done so, but I realized that with all of the time I spent writing the newsletters, there was no easy way for people to find them. I started going through old letters and posting them on the blog, then adding new content.

I had been writing the preparedness newsletters because I was the ward emergency preparedness coordinator and that seemed like a good way of getting information to people. 

Then I got called to stake emergency preparedness, so I started a letter for that. Some time later they changed the stake boundaries, where our ward was in a different stake. I was released on the stake level and they snapped me back up at the ward level. Back to the ward letter. Those are the letters that I started posting on this blog.

Going even further back, what led to me being called to ward emergency preparedness the first time was that I was volunteering at the Hillsboro Farmer's Market, answering questions about food safety and storage. One of the bishopric counselors saw me there and was perhaps impressed by my knowledge.

I was there because I had taken a Master Food Preservers class through the OSU Extension Services. It was expected to do some kind of service after that. 

I did that training in 1998. Lots of people were getting more interested because Y2K was coming up, and there had been a slew of natural disasters that were pretty close to each other. People worried.

I have always wanted to take care of people and help them; taking additional training and passing on the information was always a very natural fit for me.

This will be my 578th published post on this Provident Living blog. 

There are many on food storage, emergency kits, power outages, and earthquakes, but emergency preparedness is just one aspect of provident living. There is also the state of your mind and body and spirit. They are all important. 

If they weren't, I would never have spent so much time on dominator culture. I have no regrets about that, except that it didn't influence the election.

Right now having emergency supplies on hand seems very pertinent, and it is something that I am thinking about. However, the most important thing is the state of your soul. Where is your heart? How is your resilience?

Remember, the thing that helps me and the thing that burdens me is that -- for me -- everything is important.

This blog seems to be combining with the main blog a lot more. The travel blog is still its own thing, I guess, except that there are now evaluations of COVID risk and accessibility issues on every post. That is probably a sign of me becoming more radical.

Still no regrets.

Anyway, deciding what to post about is hard, because I am not sure what will be important soonest, and how long will it take to get through certain material. 

Remember that there is a lot of information that is already out there.

For your perusal, here is the very first post on this blog, posted here at the end of 2008 but originally written in September 2007.

Prices have changed.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2008/12/september-2007-getting-started.html

 

One decade

I was recently called as second counselor in my ward's Relief Society presidency.

For those who don't know, Relief Society is the women's organization, and a ward is the congregation that you meet with. Most of the organizations have a presidency, with a president, two counselors, and a secretary. There are different responsibilities with that. Mine includes connecting with the committee that plans activities for the Relief Society, the young women's organization, and missionaries. I am still getting up to speed.

Another thing is that for the lessons on Sunday, generally a presidency member gives one of the lessons each month, and we alternate. November was my first time, and that lesson is informing today's post. That is the main reason I mention it,  but if you want to feel impressed or surprised or confused, have at it. I was a little surprised.

Lessons are generally based on a conference talk. The one that had stuck with me the most was "Days Never to Be Forgotten" by Gary E. Stevenson. I ended up combining it with "In the Space of Not Many Years" by David A. Bednar.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2024/10/44stevenson?lang=eng   

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2024/10/35bednar?lang=eng 

Both of them are about the things that can happen over a short period of time. Sometimes that can be marvelous events and sometimes growing pride and wickedness.

In the case of Elder Stevenson's talk, he speaks of 1820 - 1830 and 2024 - 2034.

I will admit, my first thought was looking ahead ten years and thinking, is it going to be the Second Coming? If it is, how much can I get done by then? 

(Not long after, I started wondering if we even had four years left.)

I very quickly remembered that even if we were at the point where they were going to tell us, it would probably not be like that, but the thought remained. A lot can happen in ten years regardless. 

Things I remembered about that shifted my perspective, and that influenced the lesson.  

First of all, I remembered setting decades-long goals in three areas back when I was 40. My intent was that I didn't want my life to just be getting older and more decrepit; I wanted to be vibrant when I turned 50. 

I had done some writing and some traveling, and fitness was important, if not my strong suit. There were writing goals that were going to culminate in shooting my own movie when I was fifty, and I was going to hit Africa, Asia, and South America -- the continents I had not been to -- then plan a trip to Antarctica. Finally, at 50 I was also going to do a triathlon.

None of that happened.

My life fell apart in ways I could not have predicted. I still learned and grew a lot, and I am a very vibrant individual, though I don't always feel it. 

For the most part I don't regret how I have handled the events that have come up. It didn't look like I'd planned though; that's for sure.

Then I thought a little bit more about 1820 through 1830, or the ten years between the First Vision and the organization of the church.

(It may seem silly to explain Relief Society presidencies and not explain the First Vision, but the links to the talks will have other resources, you can always reach out if there are questions.)

Those are momentous events in those ten years, but there were very big things that happened after.

In addition, there were long gaps in between. 

It was four years between the First Vision and Moroni's first visit. 

I think that was good. Joseph was young and had time to grow, but having the First Vision before he had joined another church surely played an important role in his development. It kept him from being influenced by another church or being listed as a member of one, which surely would have come up.

Then, after Moroni's first visit it was another four years before Joseph actually got the gold plates and could begin translation. 

We know that time was also important for growth, so that he could have the right priorities. There was the temptation for money and other corruptible things. He needed that time to become the person who could handle the task he had ahead of him.

Then, partway through the translation the 116 pages were lost. 

He had grown and developed a lot; there was still some growth needed.

It was hard. Lucy Mack Smith said: 

“I well remember that day of darkness, both within and without. To us, at least, the heavens seemed clothed with blackness, and the earth shrouded with gloom. I have often said within myself, that if a continual punishment, as severe as that which we experienced on that occasion, were to be inflicted upon the most wicked characters who ever stood upon the footstool of the Almighty--if even their punishment were no greater than that, I should feel to pity their condition.”

There was a plan in place to make up for it, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard.

We can speculate upon the events of the next ten years. There will certainly be hard times. 

There can also be help and growth and love. There can be answers to prayers. There can be plans in place to help us even when we stumble.

We can still be vibrant, even if we won't always feel it. 

Pressing forward

People are often impressed by what I remember, and for how long after. I have a theory about that.

Part of the normal  process of remembering is that there are things that are sorted as not particularly important. They slough off, allowing you to prioritize the things that are more important.

Everything is important to me. I think that is why so much sticks. It also might make me a bit more prone to burnout.

As I started to feel more dread Tuesday, it sent my mind in many different directions. I am still working to get that in order. What are the priorities? What is the same? What is different?

I unfriended some people who were celebrating. I have avoided unfriending for years because I hope for chances at positive engagement. I had not previously considered the energy some of them took, even for just knowing about their posts. There are people who are not reasonable priorities. 

The first thing that came up was birthdays. I knew some of those friends were not having happy birthdays, but birthdays are still going to happen. Continued survival may become a more significant thing to celebrate. I still had to give those birthday wishes.

The next was the song of the day. It felt kind of trivial, except so much of my song curation relates to exploring other cultures and genres and things. It is not trivial, even when it results in a Ricky Martin song.

I had a couple of days before I needed to worry about blogging, but the Friday blogs have been about books and movies. Lately those have been about Japanese American internment in World War II, immigration at the Southern border, and activism against homophobia, transphobia, and the neglect of AIDS. 

It's not trivial.

Something else gave me more encouragement.

Part of my personal study to go along with the old conference talks has been old magazines. Yesterday I was reading the April 1988 Ensign, and I came across this quote:

“I write these few lines to inform you that we feel determined in this place not to be dismayed if hell boils over all at once. We feel to hope for the best, and determined to prepare for the worst.”
(History of the Church, 6:485–86.) 

That struck my heart, and then there was a story about a tornado.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1988/04/tornado?lang=eng

There had not been warnings about the tornado, but the weather had been hot and humid, and Don Hughes had been thinking about leaving early and his wife stopped by and suggested he leave early too.

He didn't because he felt like he had something to do, and that something was ultimately saving the people around him by keeping a cool head, getting them to the safest shelter, and then helping other people clear of the wreckage after.

We know many stories about people feeling the urge to move or delay or something that saves their own lives. If he had just gone home, he probably would have been perfectly fine, and maybe glad not to have been there. 

That gladness may have been unbearable survivor's guilt if he had. Not that you know in advance how things will turn out, but sometimes you can do some real good.

Those racing thoughts have mainly been focused on what good I can do, so it resonated with me, but that's not why I share it. 

The things that I have been doing are good for me. They have been things I felt that I needed to do, and there have been false starts and frustrations, but then clear benefits come, and that is encouraging.

Most of my smiles this week come from music and cats.

I expect that there will be a lot of terrible things, and it will be hard, with lots of anger and sadness and fear, but there will be good I can do and I will focus on that. 

With some things I posted, there was more response than usual. A lot of us have some similar feelings, and commiseration and mutual support can be valuable. I can do that.

A few things came up where I was persistently disagreeing with people whom I mostly like and respect. Some things that could seem minor are not, at least not to me. I have less ability to let things go, and I think I am reconciled to that. If I thought everything was important before...

I will try and keep my communications kind and helpful, but there may also be some bulldog tenacity.

Another thing about me is that I have always worried about being annoying. I would sometimes limit contact with people I really liked because I worried about them getting tired of me, often when I did not need to worry.

I mention that because this tenacity and inability to let some things go may end up being really irritating. 

Fortunately, in a very real way I have been preparing for this my entire life. 

I'll pray for you

My sisters are really very kind and caring people. There is also a mean streak. 

Election years are already frustrating. They have interacted with some people whom it might not be fair to call "terrible", and yet it kind of is.

Anyway, they closed two conversations with people who were combining ignorance and hatred by saying "I will pray for you."

That shouldn't be so spiteful.

Personally, I pray for people all the time. I generally do not tell them because it can come off as condescending (which clearly can be intentional). If I see you are having a hard time, there is a good chance I will say a quick prayer for you. If you ask people to pray for you I almost certainly will; I just am not likely to mention it.

(Studies have shown that prayer helps, whether people know they are being prayed for or not.)

In this case, these prayer promises (or threats?) were born of frustration, and not sincere. That did not seem right, so there was nothing to do but add these people to our family prayers.

My motivations were not exactly high-minded either. I suspected it would get some eye rolls, but it was about taking prayer seriously. 

I have had a few thoughts about this.

1. I know praying for people can soften our hearts toward them. 

It hasn't in this case. That may be that we have not been doing it long enough, but also hatefulness and ignorance is a really bad combination for me, increasing the challenge in this instance. 

If there are some people who really mean well but are just not that bright, maybe praying for them is a good option. (Probably not specifically praying that they get smarter though.)

2. After all, people can change, including us.  

I have seen some people who were initially repelled by Trump come to his side. Generally it started with developing hostility toward others that spread to everything, until they felt that they were deluded when they didn't hate everyone else.

Obviously part of that is that I need to keep my heart soft. Caring for others -- including praying for them -- can be a part of that.

Change can go in a better direction, and continuing to care leaves hope open for that.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-06-12/conspiracy-theory-believers-on-how-they-got-out-of-rabbit-hole/103907258 

3.That hope is for those we pray for, not just us.

I keep remembering being confronted by a woman at church after the 2008 election. I had never seen her engaging with my posts (I was quite new on Facebook then), but she had seen that I was pro-Obama. 

She was upset, and I was getting what I wanted, but it wasn't even that she was angry or rude: her voice was breaking and she was scared.

There are people who take the fear-mongering seriously. I usually focus more on the hate-mongering, but when you believe you are surrounded by bad people, your perception of the world around you becomes pretty dismal. It's inaccurate, but a lot of our experience is perception.

There is a lot of uncertainty about many things right now. I hope for some additional clarity Tuesday.

For now, I will pray for us. 

And I will remember that our care for the worst people can never cause us to sacrifice those most in need of help.

That's where a lot of other people with good intentions go wrong, but that's back to dominator culture; has that been made clear enough? 

Failure to commit

Despite my noticing early on that it was common for church members to be conservative (and being frustrated with that), it was still a new level of horror to find members wanting Trump. 

While technically he is not really that different from Reagan, previous Republicans at least tried to keep a veneer of civility. Without that, how do you not recoil from the ugliness?

Therefore, it does feel better this time around to see many people who have been traditionally conservative rejecting Trump. 

That is not just people I know from church. Other people I have not liked at all recently making good points against Trump include Stephen A. Smith, Charlamagne tha God, and almost kind of getting there is Joe Rogan. 

I don't want to reject this coming around -- which is so needed -- but there is something bugging me. I guess it's my concern that they still only really miss the veneer.

I am thinking of two things specifically. I do see them with members, but not exclusively. 

One is the tendency to vote for third party candidates or to write someone in. Recently there was someone who can't vote for Trump so she plans to write in Nikki Haley. 

Why?

Because Haley is a woman of color, but not THAT woman of color? Because Trump criticized Haley, so she must in some way be superior?

Haley endorsed Trump. She sent him dates when she could help with his campaign. 

Haley wants Trump to win. No, she probably doesn't like him as a person, but he is the power in the Republican party right now. She is willing to capitalize on that, no matter how repugnant he is.

Great protest.

The other thing I hate -- and this probably will surprise some people -- is ranked choice voting. I voted against ballot measure 117.

It feels to me like the people who favor it are the same ones who don't want Trump in office but they don't want to vote for Harris. They want this way to withhold their support without the bad consequences happening.

Let me tell you something about 2016: I don't believe that James Comey wanted Trump to win. I think he just wanted to tarnish Hillary Clinton's win to knock her down a peg, uppity women and Democrats and all that. I don't know how much difference he made, but it was the wrong thing to do.

For moderate Republicans, look, on the left we have a similar issue with "progressive" voters. They hate and feel superior to everyone. They are too conscientious and ethical to commit to trying to work toward something better, so they vote for Putin affiliate Jill Stein or they don't vote at all or they write in, well, probably not Mickey Mouse... maybe Bernie Sanders. 

The result is either we succeed without them, or we get something worse.

What I am asking for is commitment to the common good.

Don't try and weasel out of it. Don't cling to your ability to have contempt for everyone else. 

Actually look at what is needed, what is dangerous, what is hate-driven and what is at least trying, and commit to that.

The commitment doesn't end there. People are imperfect and systems are imperfect. It requires calling and letter-writing and maybe volunteering. It certainly requires paying more attention to local issues. 

But really, if you have any desire to be moral or ethical, do you think you can do it by looking down on everyone else and refusing to commit?

Do you think you can do it by putting the burden on everyone else? 

King-men and the Constitution

I've spent so much time going over the problems of dominator culture, and have only barely touched on what could be with partnership culture... that could be a good area to explore.

However, there's an election rapidly approaching and early voting has already started. For vote-by-mail, we are doing our ballots tonight. 

That makes this a good time to focus on the election. I have a couple of things that apply specifically to members, though the principles could certainly have a broader application. 

First of all, I speak of the king-men.

That term specifically comes from Alma 51, where there is a group of Nephites that want to move away from having judges and appoint a king. That may be the part we have most in mind because there were wars going on anyway, and the lack of unity complicated those wars. However, we also see that happening with Amlici in Alma 2, and Jacob in 3 Nephi 7. 

It's not that unusual, that someone will want more power than the law gives them. 

It's not that unusual that such a group will try and overthrow the government. They fail a lot, which is helpful, but the problem doesn't really go away.

It might seem weird that other people -- who are not going to be the king -- will support it. 

We get a partial explanation in Alma 51:8:

Now those who were in favor of kings were those of high birth, and they sought to be kings; and they were supported by those who sought power and authority over the people.

There shouldn't have really been people of high birth, but there would have been people who had more money and thought they were better (that is the most frequently repeated problem). 

In addition, once you start establishing ranks, then there are always people who might not be that high, but will still be over someone and love that, the crux of dominator culture.

If you are thinking that does not apply to Trump and his supporters, well, I have seen people referring to Barron as their future king, I have definitely seen a worsening of dominator culture whenever he is running and ruling, and some of that hagiographic art and the gold statue at the 2021 CPAC... I mean, the signs are there. 

I know it sounds very dramatic to say that if you don't vote for Harris now you won't get a chance to vote for president again, but I'm very concerned that it is true.

I know there are church members who were there on January 6th and I know there are members who defend them, and they are wrong. If there are any questions about that, this is a time to ponder.

That leads to the other thing.

Some of you may be familiar with the so-called White Horse prophecy, and unsubstantiated prediction that the constitution of the United States would hang by a thread and it would be upon the Church to save it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Horse_Prophecy 

It is important to note that it is unsubstantiated. If something was actually said, we are not sure what or how or in what context.

However, we very well may be in that position now. Remember that we had people ready to hang the vice-president of the United States because he would not refuse to certify election results, his actual constitutional duty. 

Fake "Captain Moroni" had it completely wrong. 

https://apnews.com/article/capitol-siege-utah-riots-salt-lake-city-us-news-826c912c28ef70e166ad965913dc28ea

In fact, our constitution is flawed, like the people who created and ratified it. There is a process for amending it, and there can be good things to do with that, but they are not throwing out everything because it gives a result that we don't like, part of which includes movement toward greater equality.

If there is a time that church members can save the constitution, it may very well be by Utah, Idaho, and Arizona voting for Harris.

Imagine that

Recently, on this blog and the main blog, there have been several references to sex. There was one thing that I haven't really brought up: 

Moving away from dominator culture can result in people having more enjoyable sex. That can be a good thing.

Better sex still wouldn't be a given. It would probably require some communication and effort, but if you remove the part where there is competition and dehumanization and selfishness, that can be a big leap forward.

That possibility seemed too obvious to need saying, but I may not always be the best judge of what is obvious.

Just in case this is also not obvious, moving past dominator culture would make everything better.

Would things automatically be perfect? No.

Still, imagine corporations not being so consumed with record profits that they tended toward underpayment, undervaluing, wage theft, and stinginess with benefits.

Imagine pharmaceutical companies not so consumed with record profits that they did not overprice needed medications, including medications that someone else had invented, but then their equity firm bought the company and went straight to extortion.

Imagine no rape or harassment.

Imagine no child abuse.

Imagine children not being bullied!

Actually, a lot of progress has been made on that one, at least in some places.

I have been reading several memoirs for Pride lately. Bullying comes up a lot, though not so much for Janet Mock while in Hawaii, because their culture was more accepting. It didn't make everything perfect, but definitely better than what Jonathan Van Ness faced in Illinois or Cleve Jones in Indiana or Arizona.

My friends' children also tend to be much more accepting. The result of this is that queer kids don't have to be suicidal and are less open to being exploited by predatory adults. I am all in favor of that.

I am not naive enough to think that even in liberal Oregon's metro area that all of the kids are enlightened and supportive. Not only does bullying still exist, but there are parents working hard to undo the acceptance, even here. I mean, the reason I have read Jonathan Van Ness at all is that he was referenced by a lying school board candidate:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/05/do-they-know-or-care-that-they-are-lying.html

It is still better.

It is also a good model, because realistically, not everyone will get there right away. We have to consider how to defend those that need defending (including ourselves) without ourselves becoming the bullies.

For example, I keep running into this issue where I agree with so many things that prison abolitionists point out, but I can't be a prison abolitionist because they keep ending up defending abusers and blaming circumstances. No, there are people who just get a kick out of being abusive. I may not know what can be done, but I find their refusal to meaningfully engage with that issue very angering.

It is a complex and a hard world. I know that, but I also know that it can be better. 

While there is much that can be done together and needs to be done together, I also know that there needs to be a change inside too. 

Without declaring that I am there, the progress I have made in that direction is elevating. I am not just better, I am happier.

Can you imagine that?

Another scripture featuring patriarchy

The "other" is referencing an earlier post about James 1:27.

Realistically, there are many, many scriptures that have patriarchy behind them. Since I have been writing about dominator culture and chastity, I have been thinking about Moroni 9:9-10:

And notwithstanding this great abomination of the Lamanites, it doth not exceed that of our people in Moriantum. For behold, many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue—

And after they had done this thing, they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery.

Prisoners of war are being raped, murdered, and eaten; that is awful and disgusting and evil.

I will allow that the fact that the woman were raped is a sign that the patriarchy was already there; rape is a way that you dominate women.

I think there are some other things about it that are being perceived incorrectly. Without casting any blame -- Mormon and Moroni were good people in difficult times -- we can do better.

I am also not going to lower the value of chastity and virtue; those are important.

What I will argue is that if chaste and virtuous people of any gender are raped, that has not made them any less chaste or virtuous. That is a matter of what you do, not what others do to you.

It is devastating to have someone do something to your body that you do not want. There are terrible feelings of helplessness and betrayal and maybe worthlessness for not being able to stop it.

Those would be similar feelings to what a male rape victim would go through. The difference is that then the judgment would be about their manliness and if they really wanted it and if maybe they are gay, all of which is rotten.

What I am saying is that the real crime of rape is the assault on bodily autonomy. Our thinking about it is gendered in a way that is not merely not helpful but actually harmful.

Remember one of the things that made Elizabeth Smart's ordeal was hard was the analogy she had been taught about chewed up gum, and nobody wanting that.

I have read a few stories about young LDS women who were raped. Although they had been saving themselves for marriage, they later went through stages of promiscuity. I thought part of it was trying to exercise some choice and control, even if it was through choices they wouldn't have made before. I suspect now that a feeling of being "ruined" was also part of it. Why bother anymore, now that it is too late?

That kind of thinking is the fault of patriarchy, and it is a feature, not a bug.

It's patriarchy that says that women are property of men, and subservient. It can come out as sadism or that they should have the right or that the woman really wanted it or that what she wants doesn't matter, but it is that supremacy and dominion that is the essence of dominator culture.

Teen sex

For Friday posts on the main blog, I generally focus on a group of books or songs or movies. Often they are part of my learning more about something, so the post is a reflection on what I have learned. 

Two recent books are going up here instead.

I have a hard time resisting challenged or banned books, and recently read about sex.

The books that came up were Blankets by Craig Thompson and Forever by Judy Blume.

I have read a lot of books by Judy Blume, but somehow Forever never came up. Maybe it wasn't in the school library. I heard about it later, when I was no longer a teen -- it's kind of notorious -- but I swear I don't remember hearing about it when I was reading all of the other books. 

I wasn't familiar with Blankets, a graphic novel, at all.

In both books, there are teens who fall hard for each other. It feels like epic, undying love, even though neither relationship outlasts the story.

Also, they have sex.

The kids in Blankets have been raised in very religious families, so there is more hesitation and concern, but they still do it.

The kids in Forever were not raised religiously. They feel great about the sex, though they still prefer there to be love involved (at least the girls). 

I do understand why the books get challenged, but I disagree with it.

First of all, if the concern is that such books will give teens ideas, in most cases their hormones will do that. 

(And if they don't and you get some asexual kids, well people challenge Alice Oseman's Loveless too.)

If the objection is that the teens don't regret their sex and get horribly punished, that can be realistic too.

I have thought about writing on chastity for a long time, but I have felt that I would not be the best source. Someone who has been married and experienced a satisfying sex life should have more to say about the blessings of it. 

Except, I do still believe in it. I am blessed for living it. 

I know other people who don't live it, and who are wonderful people.

One thing that I appreciate about Forever is that while the couple doesn't really run into any of the dangers associated with teen sex (other than emotional entanglement, which is important), one member had contracted an STD in the past, and another knows someone who gets pregnant. Those issues are not ignored, but they also don't happen to everyone.

If we try and scare people out of having sex, and then they have a good time and do not get sick or pregnant, we just make ourselves liars. 

If we try and convey that people who have sex outside of marriage are nothing more than horrible sinners, we make ourselves liars.

There is a truth that could be shared, but we have to know it ourselves. Do we?

So much of dominator culture focuses on judgment and fear that it should not surprise us that often some of the loudest voices turn out to be enormous hypocrites.

We need to be coming from a point of love and joy and goodness, which may be hard if we do not feel those ourselves.

Not good for anyone

I do not want to spend a lot of time going over the manosphere. I am not an expert on it, and it is a very unpleasant topic. There is a reasonable introduction on Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manosphere 

A lot of my examples of that come from Ask Aubrey, whom I have referenced before:

https://x.com/ask_aubry 

Aubrey will post examples from Reddit or other sites, but also they come from messages others forward to her, or messages she gets herself. 

They can be very discouraging.

Regardless, if you want to know more about some of the movements specifically directed toward men and see what kind of behavior they lead to, those are two good starting links. 

I'm not even sure how important the knowledge would be, but sometimes it can be helpful to recognize sources and know that it is spreading. 

Some of the messages I see have been from women whose partners are becoming worse. 

In most heterosexual relationships, the woman does most of the housework and most of the emotional labor. That is based on long tradition. Even with couples that try and break those traditions there tends to be some disparity that favors the man.

So sometimes you will have a woman who had been doing more, and also earning more, and mostly been okay with it, but gradually he is starting to complain more about her not respecting his contributions enough and not respecting him enough, though what is actually changing is his level of respect.

There can be some indications this is happening. That may include frequent references to "alphas and betas", or possibly "chads" (that one probably skews a little younger) and "high quality/high value". Also, look out for the word "submissive".  

(More vulgarly, they may mention "cuks" or become obsessed with "body count" but if you are already married and in the church, those phrases are less likely to come up.)  

That is coming from outside sources. He may not be directly listening to Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate (the more notorious names), but influences from that arena are diffusing through to him. They are appealing not only because they fit well against the traditions of our society, but also because they make him the victim and the one who deserves more, without him having to do more.

(Inordinate time playing video games comes up a lot.)

I am more sensitive to the problems this creates for wives and girlfriends, who are generally going to start out trying to be understanding, wondering if it is something that they did, and ending up in a worse and worse situation that can even become a dangerous situation.

I had been thinking about how what young girls really need to be taught to look for is whether they are respected, but there are cases where the respect is waning. We can debate over whether someone was truly respectful and changed, or was just acting decently respectful and then lost the veneer. People do change, but the result is the same. 

(Though I believe that teaching young women to not settle for less than being respected would have definite value.)

The other point that it seems important to make, though, is that this trend is terrible for men. 

Yes, all of the complaints that they make put the blame on women, but they are still complaining because they are not happy. They are lonely, they feel unappreciated, they feel disrespected, and the comforts they use in deflecting the blame are not really comforting.

Because they believe their worth comes from just being men, they lose touch with what could actually be unique and wonderful about them. They are not motivated to change, which would be a huge part of repentance, which we all need.

They don't see any uniqueness in women, so while they want one and feel they should have one, they won't really be delighted with her. Even if you start loving someone, treating them badly diminishes that really quickly. 

And yes, you will see these patterns playing out in other areas of dominator culture, but this aspect relates specifically to patriarchy, and it is not good for anyone.