My household consists of my mother, two younger sisters and me, and our older sister is frequently here. We were all invited to a milestone birthday party for a neighbor. We noted the date and intended to go. We put the invitation on the side of the fridge, but did not write it on the calendar.
On the day of the party we suddenly remembered "Oh! That's tonight!" I looked at the invitation to check times and things, and saw that it requested RSVPs by a date that was fifteen days previous. No one had caught that.
We ended up not going. What we should have done was called that day and we would have been reassured that we should come anyway. What would have been better yet would have been calling with an RSVP the day we got the invitation and marking it on the kitchen calendar so we were well-reminded.
The problem is that even with all of these women, no one is the wife. I tend to let my sisters worry about schedules because they are busier and it's easier for me to be flexible. However, I have more capacity for remembering, and December is a busy enough month that it should have been my turn to ride herd. We did not get that worked out.
I thought of the situation in those terms because of this anecdote in a New York Times article:
These invisible duties become apparent only when you don’t do them. I’m reminded of the time I went on an emotional labor strike. I asked my husband to manage an event we were both invited to, and when we showed up two hours late, per his mistake, all eyes were on me. “We expected you much sooner,” the host said — only to me.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/14/smarter-living/stress-gap-women-men.html
Yes. that is exactly how it happens, but I know one reason that the article resonated with me more was an early reference to problem-solving dreams, which have been a frequent occurrence for me.
We don't have a clear household structure, but we are more than roommates. That can be resolved with active communication. It requires mutual respect, but it is doable. There are married couples who do this too, and they have better marriages for it. Many couples do not, and the most likely result is a burned out wife.
It is important to remember that sexism is just as structural as racism. When men are satisfied with a balance in responsibility that favors them, it does not automatically mean that they are evil or stupid or anything like that. They may not even be unresponsive to complaints, because many women don't know how to articulate why they are unhappy in a situation that seemed to work for their parents, and where they are fulfilling roles that are lauded as the most important work that a woman can do.
We are still working out the vocabulary for it. The previous article refers to a pretty good article on emotional labor from The Toast, but what it really reminded me of was another one from Bazaar:
http://the-toast.net/2015/07/13/emotional-labor/
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
The term emotional labor has been out there for a while, but the first encounter with it that I remember was the Bazaar article, and I remember it because it gave me a word for a concept that I understood instantly.
It's not a coincidence that The Feminine Mystique referred to "the problem with no name". There are many problems for women that may be harder to identify because men's problems come first. (The Toast article gives some really good elucidation on that.)
Even never having been married (though certainly having observed many marriages) or having dated much, there is constant expectation of attention. Sometimes it is simply mystifying why there is a need to comment when it is merely to let me know that he knows a fact that I also know. Even more baffling is the right apparently felt by strangers to encourage me to smile, ask me questions, and then give me advice based on those answers that is incredibly ignorant. Yes, sometimes you get free drinks out of it, but I'd rather pay for the drink. I often enjoy conversation, but that's not really what this is; the failure to observe or respect any boundaries seriously reduces the chance of a good conversation.
That is all very tiring with strangers (and also has some dangers that we will get too), but when it happens with the man you love and are committed to as well, that can be a poison. If you try and talk about it - eloquently or not - and he's not hearing it because it puts more work into his life, sometimes there are unhappy marriages and sometimes there are divorces and it is really easy for unmarried women to stay that way. Even though you hope that not all men are going to be like that, it is hard to be optimistic about the ones you're meeting.
When there were more single breadwinner families and that breadwinner was usually the husband, there could have been a certain logic to the wife taking responsibility for all of the domestic chores and maybe even all of the emotional labor, though there could certainly an unsatisfying inequality there. When you have women working equal hours (but with less pay, and having to deal more with other sexism and very likely some harassment), and then they still do the bulk of the housework and the childcare, and then men still won't contribute more emotionally - or even even recognize her contributions - that is why I say men are the biggest threat to marriage.
I have heard it blamed as selfishness on the part of men, and I feel it is very important to stress that it is not generally a conscious selfishness, more like a child's selfishness. There is less of a pattern for growing out of it. This is more obviously a problem for women, but it is not great for men either.
There will be additional posts and things to work on, but the most important thing for anyone reading this now is to consider where and how you fit in.
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