Bonus wedding issue

I recently had a long message thread going with a friend who is getting married. The engagement is short, and the budget is small, so that puts some interesting constraints, and my sisters and I set up suggestions for her, and things to think about.

As the last letter was about getting married (and there is a good chance the next two will relate), I am adapting those tips and posting here. After all, a big key to preparedness and provident living is that you are thinking about things and making informed decisions, rather than just letting things happen. So, this kind of works, and if enough people act on the information in the last letter, maybe many people will need this.

Our friend already had already ordered the dress and found a person for the cake and for photography, so there won't be as much information there. It may be a little disjointed since I am combining things from three messages and some live conversation.

Pictures pretty much always take longer than planned, so allow a good amount of time for them. If you will want someone taking pictures both after the temple and at the reception, it may be easier if you are working with a friend or family member.

It sounds like you have already reserved the church building and made arrangements with the temple for the sealing. When we were talking with the woman at the temple, we talked about the marriage license (allow three days to process, good for two months), and that you will need a living ordinance recommend (so you need to meet with your bishops), so I assume those are covered.

It sounds like you have also already ordered the dress. If there are issues with that, I do have a friend who works at David’s Bridal, and maybe she will have suggestions if you need alterations. Along with the dress, you need to think about shoes, hose, jewelry, hair, and make-up. Do you want to do something old, new, borrowed, and blue? At least getting the tuxedo is relatively easy.

(Added: I was really impressed with the workers at the Soho Booth in Washington Square. They tried out different hairstyles, allowing different options, and were really helpful.)

The invitations can be hard, especially because you need to get them ready and mailed out really quickly. It may be best not to go to a traditional print shop for invitations, but instead, see what a copy shop will do. I would try Lazerquick, as they are usually less expensive and less busy than Kinkos. You can also probably get blanks at a party shop and then have the copy shop fill them in. (If you get thank you cards at the same time, you can get them to match.)

Flowers will be the other thing that could be difficult, since this is the height of wedding season and regular floral shops might be really busy. I normally recommend Westside Florists because they give you good value, but again, they might be busy. If you know people with gardens, something could probably be done homemade. Also, you can check at a farmer’s market, and I have a friend who works at the flower mart where the farmers sell to the florists, so she might have some ideas. You will want to think about a bouquet for you, boutonniere, possibly a headpiece, and then maybe décor like centerpieces or background greenery.

That leads to décor for the hall, which doesn’t have to be plant life. Some people do chair backings and tablecloths, or trellises. There are rental places that can help with this, but it depends what you want.

It sounds like you probably already have someone to do the cake. The next thing to consider is other food, which can run the gamut from some bowls of mints and nuts to hot foods or rolls and deli meats, along with plates, cups, and serving utensils. I really recommend looking at the Cash & Carry for this. They have really good prices, and a pretty good selection. You would have to pay cash, but it is affordable. (For napkins, though, you may want a party store to get kind of nicer ones in a wedding color.) We do have a small punch bowl, but you probably know someone with a bigger one.

(Sometimes a groom’s cake is fun. Our sister in law got Lance one shaped like a shoe. Partly it was to give him a chocolate cake, but the shoe was a joke between them that he was always putting his foot in his mouth.)

After that, most of the other concerns aren’t so much where to get things, but just what to do. The last reception we were at had live classical music, but we have been at ones with DJs or just pre-recorded CDs. Do you want dancing? Bouquet and garter tosses? Toasts? An official time for cake cutting? Sometimes people will want all of those things, or maybe special songs by family members, and they will print programs with the schedule of what happens when. That information can also go on the invitation. It is just something to think about.

You will probably want to get a guest book for people to sign, and you should definitely have a table set up for people dropping off presents. You may want to consider setting up some kind of photo display of the two of you. It is also frequent, but not necessary, to provide wedding favors, and/or something for the guests to throw at you when you leave. If you do want this, the party store is still probably the way to go. There is one right by Jones Farm that has a lot of wedding stuff.

I strongly recommend either getting a chauffeured car for the getaway, or having someone you trust guard the car, because people do stupid things to the cars of people getting married.

Have you thought about having a ring ceremony? It might be nice for your family, but sometimes it doesn’t feel right, like it is taking away from the temple. It might be better to have a nice family luncheon after the wedding, where the two families can celebrate together.

The big thing will be having people to help. I know Julie offered us to help decorate, but there is also clean-up, and serving food, cake, and punch. The good thing is, you can probably draw upon people in three wards.

For the honeymoon, think about appropriate packing based on activities (too early to know now, but it will go fast), and airport transportation.

On the issue of cake-cutting, people generally take on of two approaches. One is that the bride and groom cut the cake in about the middle of the reception, and then the cake gets served, but this way a lot of people never get cake. This can be fine, but I think usually they intend for everyone to get cake, and it just doesn't happen. There are probably more leftovers this way.

The other common occurrence is that they realize this will be an issue, so what they actually serve the guests is sheet cake, and the wedding cake is more for display. In this case, usually the top tier is saved for the first anniversary, the middle tier is for the bride and groom to slice at the reception, and the bottom tier is a big hunk of foam, frosted like cake. This way is probably easiest in terms of serving, because the sheet cake is easier to slice, but I don't like the thought of wasting perfectly good frosting on styrofoam.

Honestly, I am not sure what I would do myself. I might just slice the cake right at the beginning of the reception. Sure, not many people would see it happen, but how big of a deal is that?

Anyway, those are the issues, so you can think about what you prefer.

By the way, there are guides to cutting on-line, which I think is kind of cool, but if you do it this way I don't see how the thread/floss method can work:

http://www.wilton.com/cakes/cake-cutting-guides/wedding-cake-cutting-guide.cfm
http://www.baking911.com/cakes/cutting_guide.htm

For the number of food crew, it depends on what you are doing. It sounds like you have three tables of food, plus one punch table, and one cake table. You could have one person in charge of each table, but depending on what is being served, and whether or not it needs any in-kitchen preparation, what the adequate number would be could vary widely. I know. That's not very specific.

If the caterer has everything ready and on trays, and the kitchen person is just taking out full trays to replace empty trays, and they don't have to deal with the cake, then I think 3, or maybe even 2 people would be enough. This kind of overlaps with clean-up, but it would be good to add another kitchen person who floats around and clears empty plates and cups from the tables. Some people will throw out their own, but not everyone will.

Julie strongly recommends having someone who keeps an eye on the guest book, favors, and gift table, which ideally will all be near each other. This person would kind of act like a greeter, and can keep anything from going missing. Maybe have two people alternate so they can spend some time inside.

July 2009 - Preparing for marriage

Recently I was blogging about the economic downturn, and I suggested that one great way for singles to combat it is by getting married. In the long term it allows you to combine living expenses, but it provides short-term stimulation to the economy as the wedding is arranged and gifts are bought.

This may seem facetious, and like a poor reason to get married, but you already have many good reasons to be thinking about marriage. With the current flurry of weddings and engagements, you may be thinking about the topic even more. Yes, everyone else doing it would be another poor reason for getting married, but sometimes people with other good reasons just need a little nudge. If they make good decisions, the nature of the nudge won’t matter. This letter will focus on making good marriage decisions.

Having successfully remained single for several years, I worry that writing this letter may be ludicrous, or at least somewhat hypocritical. However, I have never experienced a major earthquake or pandemic influenza before, and yet I still have a good idea of what I will need to do when it comes up. Part of this knowledge comes from seeing what others have learned on the subject. Often the information comes from worldly sources, but I balance it against my own knowledge of the Gospel, and discard anything contradictory. We will be going over some predictors of success.

This analysis may sound awfully clinical for something as romantic as getting married and as eternally significant as temple marriage, but it supports the end goal. Ideally, you will find yourself incredibly attracted to someone who could be the one! That is great, but if you think back you may realize that you have had very similar attractions to other people in the past. This tells us that attraction is temporary. That is not to say that you are doomed to one day lose all attraction to your eternal companion, because there are things you can do to keep that alive. It just shows that attraction is not a good guide by itself.

Inspiration can be an excellent guide, but answers can be clouded by infatuation. How do you guard against that? My old mission president used to say that information was inspiration. As we took time to study out the issue more, it was easier for us to receive inspiration, and understand what we received. This is where the science comes in.

As we take time to get to know the other person, not only can we learn more, thus becoming better informed, but also it also allows a cooling-off period, where some of the fog of being enamored dissipates. Taking some time, which we might refer to as “courtship”, can create a real advantage when important decisions are being made.

What are some things to find out during this period? Here are some predictors for successful marriage, and for divorce, and what we can learn from them. These are things you want to find out about your intended, but they should also be things to find out about yourself. Red flags are not automatically deal-breakers, but you should at least go in with your eyes open.

· Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.
Missions will usually get us out of the teenage range by the time we marry, but it does indicate that having some maturity, and establishing your identity, is important. Have both parties learned how to face disappointment? Can you both stand alone as individuals? Have either of you lived away from your parents? What a person has done in terms of education and career can be a strong indicator of maturity and purpose.

· The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds, and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage.
How do you both feel about wanting children, raising children, and disciplining children? Wives working outside the home? These can be huge areas for conflict. Is family home evening equally important to both of you? Even when you are both in church every Sunday it does not mean you are automatically compatible. You may “know” your way of doing things is right, but don’t assume the one you love has the same picture in mind.

· People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry.
Divorced parents are not a reason to give up on anyone, including yourself, but it is worth exploring. What factors led to the divorce? In what specific ways would you want your own marriage to be different? Build on that.

· Do they express affection the same way you do?
If not, this is something that people can learn. The point is that if you really love the person but do not feel loved in return, even though you are definitely a couple, that needs addressing. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this topic.)

· Do they disagree the same way you do?
I personally feel that it is best to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable, and communicate openly and completely without taking things personally. That being said, apparently two people who sulk when they are offended, or two people who flare up in a storm of anger and then quickly cool off, will do better than one of each. Regardless, you should know the person long enough to know how they act when they don’t get their way.

· Happier people have better marriages, and are less likely to get divorced.
A recent study of yearbook photos showed that people with the most intense smiles (mouth pulled up and crinkling around the eyes) had not divorced. Of the group with the weakest smiles, there was a one in four divorce rate. While they continue to debate about whether the people with big smiles are more social, or attract more, or why they have more successful marriages, it does seem reasonable that people who are able to remain cheerful and optimistic throughout the ups and downs of life can have better marriages.

An important related point is that marriage will not make you happy. Like winning the lottery, it generally boosts happiness for about a year, but then you are back to your normal level of happiness. So, if your significant other is kind of a downer, marriage won’t fix that.

Marriage will have its rough spots no matter what, but a good marriage for you will be easier with some people than with others. You will not find a perfect person, nor will you be a perfect person, but it is possible to find someone who works well for you. Do pray before you leap, but also do the work that is required so that you have earned an answer.