Talk, part 1 - growing

I started by saying my name - repeating it, because there is some confusion with four women living in the same house with the same last name - and that I serve in the nursery.

My calling is important as the reason that I mainly only know people with children under the age of four, but it also led to my first example.

Nursery has been a good calling for me because I like kids but without children, nieces, or nephews, I don't get to spend a lot of time with them. When I first started and there was one little girl who liked to sit in my lap and cuddle, that was nice. I soon noticed that she stayed with me for a shorter time each week, and figured the novelty was wearing off for her. That was fine; there was no point in taking it personally. Then one week we had extra children and it was extra loud, and that day she spent a long time with me.

I realized that the time she spent with me was a way of building up her courage and recharging, and then she could be ready to play and interact, and I was touched and honored to find that I could do that for her.

Children's love for their parents may make them sad when they are dropped off, but their trust for their parents is what allows them to dry their tears and explore and play, knowing that they will be safe. Changes in home routines will often have an effect where there is more crying or clinging, but they adjust and recover because ultimately they have a safe place in their homes and in their families' hearts, and that frees them to learn that nursery is safe and fun, and it will eventually allow them to venture to many new places and learn many new things. They need time away from their parents to mature, but their time with their parents makes it possible.

Based on that, it seems that the most important thing I can tell you is that you have a Heavenly Father who is fully invested in your growth and development, and because of that you need to spend time away from Him. To successfully navigate that, there need to be periods of re-connection.

The talk I was assigned was Apostasy and Restoration, given by Dallin H. Oaks at the April 1995 general conference.

I read it every day for the week that I was preparing for the talk, and the first time I read it, it seemed to me that it was more about personal apostasy. The second time I read it, I couldn't figure out why I had thought that, except that there are similarities in how a person and how a people can fall away, and similarities in what we need to do to make our way back.

We will pick up from there next week.

Giving a talk

I think what I want to do now is go over the different components of my talk. Not only did I say some good things, but also there was a lot I didn't say, and one of the things I have been putting off writing about could probably fit in there.

Before I get started on that, I want to go over my talk giving process to give some context.

I can't write a talk. This is weird, because I write so many other things. It's been a while, but I also can't really write stand-up comedy routines. They are both things where I need to be responsive to the moment and trying to plan it out in advance puts up all my mental blocks.

I do think about it, and I am forming words in my head all along that may go in there. I can write in my journal about things that I think I want to say, but sometimes that is just to get out the things that are related and on my mind but that will not be the right thing to say up there. That's where some of the things I don't say come from.

I have in the past taken up outlines and quotes. This time I just printed out the talk and wrote a few scripture verses on it, that I then looked up while up there. Frankly, I would rather have the scriptures printed out or at least bookmarked to limit the awkward pauses, but that's not how it went down this time.

I think it would be comforting to have everything written out in advance. Then it could be polished, and I could make sure that the closing echoed the opening and everything followed logically. I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting anything. That sounds nice.

I don't do that because it feels wrong, but I believe the reason it feels wrong is that the things that feel intellectually right might not be the same things that are spiritually necessary, and what's more important?

Also, I have been realizing now that the security we think we have is often an illusion. Like maybe I would take a well-written talk up there and find my vision getting blurry or get choked up, and not deliver it anyway.

And if the spirit is right, some people would get the message they need from the teary, choked-up person, too. As often as the safety we think we create is an illusion, there are nonetheless real safety nets and backups that are not illusory. There's room for a lot of different solutions out there.

Therefore, my way is absolutely not the only way to give a talk. So far, though, it appears to be the only way for me.

No new post today

I spoke in church, and I put all of my efforts into that. Ideas from my talk may get incorporated into other posts, but not today. :)

Comforted

Building on last week, going back and reading older church materials has led me to find some of today's frustration in my less-frustrated past. It has brought good things too.

Reading the Ensign from when President Benson died reminded me of how much love I felt from him, and how some of that love was shown. It also reminded me that while some people do hold his staunch opposition to communism against him, that there were also reasons for it, and that it wasn't something he really talked about after it was less of a threat.

There are people helped by the gospel all the time, and their stories being shared in every era can be good.

My primary frustrations have been in all of the mentions of homosexuality, and how judgmental and without understanding they are. You might imagine that when I came to an article in the April 2006 Liahona about one man's devotion to and blessing from the Proclamation on the Family, I was not enthusiastic.

I was still skeptical as he mentioned feeling the need to study and memorize it, but it really did work for him. After memorizing it he could reflect upon it while jogging and then receive promptings for things his family needed.

The interesting thing was that often these promptings were things like fixing dinner for his wife or taking more of the child-rearing duties. As much as the Proclamation could seem to reinforce rigid gender roles, that's not where it was leading him. I don't think that he saw that as an aspect of his inspiration at all, because each prompting could easily be seen as a way to give this family member additional love and caring, but it would be easy to find those results unexpected.

In that way the article became a good testament to the benefits of personal guidance through the Holy Ghost. The Proclamation turned out to be a useful tool for him to know what was needed for his family, and he was told that through inspiration as well when he felt that strong need to study it.

I generally don't know why I am embarking on a course of spiritual study when I start. I might have ideas, but then there is more there, and after I have been following it for a while, then I know better.

We can all do that.

We have been given many tools and opportunities for growth. It is possible to use them incorrectly, and it is possible to learn some good lessons while still missing important things, but there are opportunities there, and so there are possibilities for everyone.

I am glad to remember that.

Frustrated

I believe I have mentioned how lately with conferences I watch until someone says something that makes me mad, and then I back away until the next session. (Though yesterday we went on a family outing, so I really have no idea how this session is going.)

I wasn't always like that. Growing up, conferences were days off, but shortly after graduating from high school I started watching and reading. Yes, I might have to take notes to keep myself awake, because it is a lot, but I enjoyed it and I got fond of all of the apostles and many of the seventies, whereas previously they were just names.

My scripture study this year has led to me reading old church magazines, and I just finished up the Ensign with the talks from the October 1992 conference.

I remember this conference pretty well. I was working to save up for a mission, but had two terms of college done. Boyd K Packer's talk about how not everyone could go to BYU felt very affirming for a Duck. I remembered being glad for it then, and surprised to learn later (at the MTC) that it made a lot of people mad. There needed to be room for their kids at church schools. They were not willing to accept otherwise.

That was interesting to me because it seemed like a stupid thing to feel rebellious over, though I did kind of have some understanding that it was because it didn't apply to me. The Packers had their own tradition of going to church schools that they were letting go of, so clearly you could find it more meaningful and still make peace with it, but some people had a hard time. (Honestly, it still seems like a lot of the youth here cannot conceive of not going to a church school.)

I remembered a few of the other talks too, especially the one by Glenn L Pace. I didn't have any specific memories of David B Haight's talk, but it bothered me this time.

First off, I should probably confirm that I have found this issue more annoying than I found it twenty-six years ago. It is not too terrible, but generally the thing that gets me is the judgment and the isolationism - the same issues I have now, really, but I didn't notice them then.

I am not thrilled that Elder Haight quoted Pat Buchanan, but my real problem was this quote from Chicago Tribune  writer Michael Hirsley: “the nation’s most widely accepted prejudice is anti-Christian.”

That is such a falsehood.

No, I don't think he meant to lie - he was a good man - but that just wasn't true, and the only way you can think it is true is to be ignorant of the world at large.

I suppose the idea is that you may get criticized for saying racist things or sexist things. Fine, but that ignores all of the homophobic things that were said in that conference. It ignores how people would tell you that racism was bad, but that this is three years before John Dilulio was pushing his super-predator theory and two years before The Bell Curve, and there was a lot of racism cloaked as science that has since been debunked. This was during the time that Lily Ledbetter was working for less pay and not being told. I could keep going.

One thing that has frustrated me in previous historical reading is how the Catholics and Jews were doing so much during the Civil Rights Era. You don't hear that about Mormons. It probably would have seemed hypocritical, given where we were, but that is a result of complacency. We didn't need to know about it, so we didn't care.

I know we have made progress on homosexuality, and that there is still room to go. However, I know that the progress we have made has come from listening to people instead of just assuming how corrupt they must be. Is that becoming of a saint?

The thing I notice now that I didn't think of then is how many references there are to the wicked world. I am seeing a wicked world where there is oppression of marginalized people, and where we could be working together to fight that and make this a better world. Many people are seeing this wickedness as more about personal immoral behavior that they need to distance themselves from lest they get some of it on them.

Here's the thing, as Elder Haight concluded his talk, the protections he spoke about were all personal things that we can do while still being aware of the world. We can attend our meetings and study the scriptures and attend the temple. It doesn't matter how many non-members you talk to and listen to, they cannot prevent you from doing that. That we are able to do these things, and that you can pick up a set of scriptures anywhere, in multiple languages, even getting them on your phone -- those are all signs that we aren't being particularly persecuted here.

We are still far too good at shutting the world out, but we need to think about what it means.

The restored gospel is a great gift. It brings with it opportunities for guidance and strength and so many resources.

We are not living up to that if we are not helping the downtrodden.

We are living against it if we are finding ourselves to be downtrodden when we can't make other people live the way we think they should.

Prepare Out Loud

Tuesday I attended a Red Cross presentation on earthquake preparedness. I wrote about that a little yesterday too, but I want to treat a different aspect of it.

Long time readers can not only guess that I have sat through many preparedness presentations, but may remember me presenting to them, or helping them assemble kits, or something like that. You may have also attended many other presentations. I still encourage you to check out this one.

First of all, there is always something that you don't know. The presenter gave me two new thoughts that I had never had before.

1. If you are in a car during an earthquake, I knew that you should stop, not by anything that could fall on you, and stay in the car. I had not thought about turning your head, but it is very logical that the earthquake could be interpreted as a collision, and that the air bag could break your nose on an already rough day. That made perfect sense.

2. I know about going through and checking for fires and risks for fires and explosions. I had never thought about setting the fire extinguisher outside once you have determined that you don't need it, but yes, your neighbors could. I remember being touched by people hanging out chargers after storms so people who didn't have power could charge their phones by the grace of someone who did; there are lots of ways to think about other people.

Beyond that, it doesn't always have to take learning something completely new to be inspired. I have gotten a little lax on preparedness, due to too many other things going on. That's an easy thing to have happen, but not really good. I like the containers he is using for water storage. We have stored water; I have never loved what we were using for it. I think I will switch. Also, at Costco two days later I picked up a fire extinguisher. It is an easy thing to do, and fulfills a potential need.

The fire extinguisher may have been my first acquisition because of its association with thinking of your neighbors after the presentation. I have been thinking a lot about community and interpersonal relations lately, and have been wanting to do more. Preparedness can be something that we share. A lot of Prepare Out Loud was about having conversations and showing people what you are doing to help them get over their preparedness inertia.

It is easy to want to avoid thinking about preparedness, because you are thinking about a scary thing and then having to do a lot of stuff for it, but these things are manageable. It was easy to pick up a fire extinguisher. There are things I could do very quickly that would cost money, and things that I can do for free, and it is just a matter of doing something, and then another thing, in an orderly and manageable manner.

So, I am probably going to get back to emergency preparedness here. Recently this has been much more about spiritual and mental preparedness, but things go in cycles, and it may be time to get back to physical (at least after I finish reacting to a few things).

For now, if you are in the Cascades region, and will be in the path of a quake started by the Juan de Fuca plate, check and see what the Red Cross has for you:

http://www.redcross.org/news/event/local/or/Prepare-Out-Loud

About judging other people's blogs

No, no one has said anything mean about my blog, but something else has been bothering me.

I don't think I have ever mentioned Josh Weed in this blog, but I did in the main one, several years ago:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/10/why-we-need-to-love.html

The summary there is that he was an LDS man who, although he was gay, was in a loving marriage with a woman. It was a pretty well-known post among Mormons, but I will link to it if anyone is interested.

http://joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-come-closet-ten-year-anniversary/ 

And then, if you are familiar with him, you probably already know about this post, where they have decided -while still loving themselves and their children and not regretting their time together - that it leaves important needs unmet and they need to change:

http://joshweed.com/2018/01/turning-unicorn-bat-post-announce-end-marriage/

Really, both of those posts (where both Josh and Lolly write) were very good (though kind of long) so reading those could definitely be good, but I am going to focus on a reaction that I have seen. It has come from people with a Mormon background, not necessarily active, possibly leaning liberal but often in that way that seems to focus on criticizing other people. (They usually call themselves progressive because neoliberal is an insult, but that's a separate subject that I'm not getting into here.)

Anyway, they are mad at Josh and Lolly for all the damage caused by the first post, and giving gay people false hope that they could live straight, and giving homophobic people something to throw at gay people.

To be fair, Josh and Lolly both apologize for any of that, but they are apologizing for things that aren't their fault. The first post was very clear that they knew this wouldn't work for everybody. I believe one reason they wrote the post is to remind people that being gay isn't this perversion that you choose because of your deep corruption. Sure, that may sound obvious, but there are lots of people who don't agree, and maybe it would help.

One example that was given was a man who beat his (gay) son after reading the article: "If this guy could avoid being a faggot, so could you!"

Again, I really remember them stressing that it would not work for everyone. Obviously this father was not interested in that message. That he had beaten his son many times before I think confirms that there is a limit to how much you should blame anyone else's openness.

Do you know what I got from that post? Well, if you read my other blog post you did, but it was coming away with how much of it was possible because of the love and acceptance his parents offered him. When I later realized who his parents were, it made a lot of sense because they were some pretty wonderful people, and they would love and accept like that. It resonated with me because for a lot of gay kids they have so much work to do with just trying to stay alive and to safely reach adulthood with any shred of self-worth that they don't have that space to work on their relationship with God. I thought it had tremendous value because of that.

Yes, I do know one person who had some false hope because of it, but again, that's not the the first post's fault, though the second post did dash it.

Here is what I think about the second post.

On a personal level, there is something profound about deserving to be loved that way. I mean, sometimes we think of romantic love as kind of a modern conceit, and yet it is hard to give up the idea. At some point that may mean something for me, like maybe there should be more in my life than there is.

More important is that if this couple with these two people and all that they have been able to successfully do together and have together still feel a lack, I hope that is something people will take to heart. I think that could be something that brings about more understanding and change. It could do a lot of good in that way. And the second post would not have the impact that it does without the first post.

I am not pretending to know how all of this plays out in eternity or what church leaders should say. Figuring out my own life is complicated enough, for starters. Also, I am really typical in a lot of ways, pretty white and straight and cis. It would be really presumptuous to think that I should tell people with different struggles how to live their lives. I understand that there is tendency to feel like if you don't experience an issue that no one else should, but I don't think it works out logically. It's better to listen, and love.

So when two people who have been open and loving and tried to do what was right and contribute what they could are criticized for all of those good things, that bugs me, but also, I think the critics may have been missing the point, which people do. That one father completely missed the point. Probably many people missed the point, but that isn't a reason not to share the point. It's a reason to think beforehand, and consider carefully, but not a reason to hold back.

For all of you who are trying to do better and be better with human shortcomings, I support you. For those of you whose strongest shortcoming is a swiftness to think the worst of others and drag them down, I will try and love you too. I wish you didn't make it so difficult.