Empathy

One of the most important parts in my talk, I think, was referencing the man in the Gadarenes from whom the demons were cast out. I did not remember writing about it before.

In fact, I had referenced it twice, in May 2017:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/05/trying-to-be-like-jesus-time-to-heal.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/05/trying-to-be-like-jesus-potential.html 

Naturally, this was when I was writing about trying to be like Jesus, so I went over many, many things; I wouldn't expect to remember them all. Some incidents struck me more at the time, while I was aware of other incidents and people that related.

I am going to try and recreate the thinking, and where it changed. Remember, the talk was about discipleship. Sometimes just looking at things through a different lens makes the difference.

One thing I had noticed before was how the method Jesus used for healing blind people changed multiple times. I did write about it in 2017, but I had noticed it earlier:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

While I can't rule out that they had different forms of or causes for their blindness, I tended to think it was more about giving them spiritual as well as physical healing.

For example, the man who kept clamoring more loudly (and there are some details that blur between the two men and Bartimaeus, so I don't want to be too specific there), that indicated he already strongly believed in the Lord's power and had a desire for healing that would persist in the face of opposition, as people told him to quiet down.

Maybe that's why it was so instant, whereas the man blind from birth did not know what was happening. Instead, he had a chance to grow in knowledge and testify of it gradually.

Regardless, it was looking at that that made me look at any interactions with Jesus knowing that he knew the other person's needs and intent on their welfare. This also meant empathy and an understanding of what they were ready to accept.

So when he is discouraging people volunteering to follow him, or telling the Syrophenician woman he will not heal her daughter (though he does, just with some more teaching), there are things that can seem harsh to us as onlookers. They quite possibly felt harsh to the people in those encounters, but that I have to believe were ultimately designed for their good.

That is loving as Jesus loved.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/09/as-i-have-loved-you.html 

Then, the other thing that I had really taken to heart back in 2017 was writing about 3 Nephi 17:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/02/trying-to-be-like-jesus-3-nephi-17.html 

The people had taken in as much teaching as they could absorb, so he wanted to give them a rest, but they didn't want him to leave. With compassion he found another way to engage with them, healing, ministering to their children, and loving them without taxing their minds further, even though there was going to be time for that later, after they had rested.

That is what led me back to the country of the Gadarenes.

We don't know anything about him, or how he became possessed in the first place, but we do know that once healed he wanted to follow Jesus. He apparently was not in any shape to do so, but, from Luke 8...

38 Now the man out of whom the devils were departed besought him that he might be with him: but Jesus sent him away, saying,

39 Return to thine own house, and shew how great things God hath done unto thee. And he went his way, and published throughout the whole city how great things Jesus had done unto him.

40 And it came to pass, that, when Jesus was returned, the people gladly received him: for they were all waiting for him.

He still did what he was asked.

He was asked only for something of which he was capable.

He still did good things with his assignment.

Is that not being a disciple? 

My thorn

In fact, neither my not driving nor my being unemployed ended up being big issues for the calling. Perhaps one lesson from that is that our worries are not always good predictors of the future. 

It doesn't stop new worries from coming. 

Currently the most stressful thing in my life is an inability to focus on my schoolwork.

All the emotions come in there: fear, anger, frustration, embarrassment. 

I have alluded to this before, and trying to change the way I think about it. It remains a problem. 

Procrastinating homework goes way back for me.

I used to attribute it to things coming really easily for me, so I didn't develop good study habits. I have been through multiple rounds of reforming and getting better. I know that I can.

I have thought that I was lazy, but other things show that I am not.  

I think it is more emotional. It isn't just school because it comes up with other responsibilities too.

I will have something I need to do, but it's like I have a mental block and I can't make myself do it. A common pattern is that I will try to just play some Spider Solitaire or something as a quick distraction, but then it isn't quick; it's a time sink. Hours later and I am still not done -- maybe having been thinking the whole time how I need to stop -- and I am telling myself how stupid I am, which is really not productive.

I call this state being "itchy and twitchy". 

I am sure there are issues with dopamine hits, and probably with connection, based on some other things I have read. Anxiety and my brain's specific neurology can play a role.

I have a very demanding schedule to complete my courses this term.

Frankly, it would be impossible if I were employed. Having extra time is good, but I still need to use it productively.

I have been having lots of thoughts and learning, understanding myself better, though still not enough to be fixed.

I have also been praying for a fix, but that has not happened.

That has also been a source of frustration, but I read something recently about healing. One thing referenced Paul.

2 Corinthians 12 

7 ... there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Okay, I am allowed to be imperfect, and it is not the end of the world. I still need to get these assessments done. 

I have been making slow progress. I get some things done, but there are always more undone.

I am trying to be grateful for what is done. There is growth, but then I am like, so that's it? I have one thing done out of seven and there are more added every day, getting further behind? That's supposed to be okay?!?

Yes. Good job. 

You can do more tomorrow.

Okay. 

It feels very important to be here.

It have written more about this on the other blog, but several years ago there were three aspects to me that I realized had specific importance to me: caregiver, writer, and historian. I reflected on what combining those would mean, and even though "teacher" seemed like a logical destination -- and my course of study is education -- what I felt was "healer".

Maybe it is that my broken places are going to heal. 

All of which may seem like a digression, but it is this frustration with our weaknesses and our Savior's understanding of them that leads to the next section of my talk and next week's post. 

On being enough

(This uses some specialized terminology for those who are not members, so there are clarifying notes at the end.) 

I sort of alluded to this in the first of the posts about my talk, but I think I need to expand on it. 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/08/currently-operating-at.html 

One big change for me since being called as a Relief Society presidency councilor is that I am a lot more aware of the struggles of the other women around me.

Some of that is from asking more questions. For example, we are supposed to do ministering interviews once a quarter. For my districts, that's twelve women that I am checking in on regularly on how they are doing with their responsibility to look after another twenty-two women.

(I realize that might be confusing for some, and I see a great need to write about ministering, but that is going to have to be another post.)

Suffice it to say, this new calling has led to more interactions and finding out more, but also sometimes I will just look at someone and feel that they are having a hard time, so there is empathy.

That may be why I felt the need to say this thing in my talk that I also said in a lesson I taught, and that I am going to reiterate now.

Although I did not seriously think about refusing the call (I have turned down a calling, but it's not something I would do lightly), there was a part of me wondering "Shouldn't I have it more together to do this?"

I felt that more for being unemployed at the time and not driving ever. 

I am still unemployed, but at this point I have decided that's okay while I am in school, and there's only four months left of that. When I got the call, I was looking hard for a job and not getting a lot of calls back. I had recently been turned down for one that seemed really promising. My life felt scarier and more in flux than usual.

Not driving has has embarrassed me for years. I think I am pretty much over the trauma that led to it in the first place, but that doesn't make it easy to change either. Sometimes I still think I should just do it, practice some and take the test, but I cannot afford a car or insurance now. Maria suggested saying I have too many DUIs as my excuse for not driving, but I don't think that would be less embarrassing.

Those two factors did not seem promising, but I was still going to do it..

That happened relatively late last year, when we were on the late schedule. The in January we switched to starting at 9 AM. Getting to church on time, or at all, has become much harder than it should.*

This is the first year I have seen how other people struggle with it. It's not everyone, but there are some people for whom it is always hard, some for whom it becomes harder as they age, and some where health problems have made it harder. 

We generally know our own problems, but we don't always know everyone else's. Sure, we are not supposed to compare, but sometimes we do.

So, I find myself admitting it more, though I have been fairly good about that for a while. 

I also have found myself saying -- back to that original question of whether I shouldn't be more together -- that I am not sure any wards have enough together people to fill all the presidencies.* *

That would require at least twenty-one people who have it together. At first you would think that's not that many, but as you get to know people more, having it together or feeling like you do is just rarer than you would have hoped.

And that's great! With imperfect people we serve and love and grow together. 

I have worried at times about plateauing, which is easy to do, but as callings regularly get changed around we keep getting opportunities to grow as we love and serve more. It's what we're here for.

I should note, a member of the stake*** presidency was on the stand, and after he said that he talks to members all the time who feel that same way. 

Now I get that, and I can trace the realization growing, but I did not know it the same way before. 

I think I am finally starting to carry this church understanding into my personal life. 

Notes: 

*A ward is the congregation you meet with, generally based on geography. Wards will share a common building, so for the sake of fairness we rotate starting times annually. My building has three wards, with start times of 9:00 AM, 10:30 AM, and 12 noon.

**Within wards are other organizations, like Primary for children, Young Men and Young Women (probably self-explanatory), Elders Quorum for adult men, Relief Society for adult women, and Sunday School. All of those have a president with two counselors and a secretary, not to mention the bishopric.

*** A stake is a group of wards, and they have their own presidencies. There are seven wards in my stake, sharing three buildings.

As I have loved you

That was the next step, right? "As I have loved you, love one another."

He calls it a new commandment right there, too. 

For the previous iteration, whether we are looking at "Love they neighbor as thyself" or "Do unto others as you would have others do to you", the viewpoint is centered on the self: what would I want?

The distinction might have something to do with our thoughts not being the same as His thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8)

I got into a weird frame of mind here, thinking that it is saying that we should do for people what they need rather than what they want, which doesn't sound good.

There can be a level at which that is true and right. The easiest example may be that parents not letting their child stay up all night or eat only candy, because that would be bad for them. That can be very loving, and something children will appreciate more as they grow. 

However, because there is that element of "I know best" to it, and we often don't know best, it seemed destined for failure.

I understood fairly easily that sometimes people will want different things than we would want. 

I know a lot of people make fun of The Five Love Languages now. I am willing to agree that there are ways in which it oversimplifies, but when I read it I was very impressed. Partners can have different preferences. Sometimes not having your preference honored is really hurtful. 

I know one person who was consistently sad that her boyfriend did not care about birthdays so ignored hers. She knew he didn't care, but she did and she communicated that she did, and he still ignored it. "Loving" her the way he preferred did not feel loving to her. Was that fair or logical? Maybe not, and maybe that was not the most important issue in the breakup. 

It didn't help.

Maybe the reason I struggled with the entire concept was that sometimes we don't know what we want or we want something wrong... would you do give someone something bad for them if that's what they wanted?

Clearly I got caught up in this conundrum where I was fixating on other people's desires rather than how the love of Christ works.

Remember when I spent months on the topic of "Trying to be like Jesus"? (That was from February to August of 2017.) Fortunately there were some insights there. 

One of them started with thinking about the examples we have of the blind being healed, and how the methods were different, where I began to believe there were lessons there.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

I started seeing a pattern of knowledge that was used to make those experiences more personally helpful.

Think of the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9. She wanted to be healed, and believed that just touching his robe would do it. She succeeded, and could have been satisfied with just that.

Identifying her, however, and letting her know that her faith had done it, well... that would give her a greater understanding of spiritual things, which would have an important influence on her life. In addition, being noticed by him, as an individual, must have been very powerful.

The problem with trying to love like Jesus is that we do not have the knowledge or the power to understand what people need and be able to grant it, at least not all of the time.

We do know that he loved us enough and respected our right to choose enough to atone for our sins and heal our infirmities. That can be our sign not to force anything on anyone.

Then, for being loving, we can at least try and be understanding, especially when there are differences.

We can respect others' choices, even when we see clear problems.

We can try and help people without judging whether they got themselves into the mess or not, but we can also be honest about the problems, so not enabling.

That's a difficult balance for imperfect people; we are sure to make mistakes.

He has compassion on us when we make those mistakes, and appreciates our attempts.

Go and do likewise. 

Loving your neighbor

Last week was "Love one another" but the "as I have loved you" is an important distinction. (John 13:34)

There is a progression that has been going on, culminating in this commandment.

In Leviticus 19 the Israelites were told to love their neighbors:

18: Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of they people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the Lord.

Now, you will notice that there is no commandment to hate enemies in there, but -- perhaps because of the mention of "the children of they people" -- that appears to have been interpreted as being insular. In the Sermon on the Mount we get...

You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. (Matthew 5:43 - 44)

Perhaps there was some resistance to having to love too many people; even now there are signs.

As it is, we get two more clarifications on this one.

A lawyer who was looking to trap Jesus asked a question that would have worked well just with loophole seeking, "Who is my neighbor?" (Luke 10:29)

Jesus answers with the parable of the Good Samaritan, which tells us that everyone is your neighbor. 

Actually, it tells us that the neighbor is the one that showed mercy.

Despite the injunction to go and do likewise, I suppose that could be interpreted in a way that the people who treat you well are your neighbors, so you need to love them. If someone is a jerk to you, then you can hate them, except the hate may have always been extrapolation.

Fortunately, there was some more clarification back in the Sermon on the Mount:

Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

The Leviticus version, mentioning not bearing grudges, may be giving kind of an idea to not let bad treatment or behavior creep in; the Golden Rule may be telling us to be actively good. You would like this; you would not like that... shouldn't that be an obvious guideline for how we treat other people?

Many years ago, there was a youth speaker talking about motivation. (It was Brother Winwood, for those who might remember.) 

He was talking about taking his wife out to dinner, and compared doing it out of fear (like she would get mad at him if he didn't) versus doing it out of a sense of responsibility (it's the right thing to do) versus doing it because he loved her.

It kind of came down to "I have to", "I ought to", or "I want to."

I remember thinking of it as aligning to telestial, terrestrial, and celestial, and that often you can break things down into three levels. Regardless of whether that actually fits here (where I am seem to be finding four groups), it was a pattern I would look for.

It does appear there are people who claim to follow Christ who are at the level of being nice to people who are good to them, and comfortable leaving it at that. I would like to remind them that the part about it being okay to hate your enemies is only referenced as hearsay. Also, the people in that camp can change who's in and who's out at the drop of a hat. 

Regardless, that is even below the bare minimum, where loving (maybe mostly the people around you) focuses on avoiding the bad. 

There is a higher level where you are actively doing good.

Then there is loving like the Savior loves. 

There is actively doing good in there, but there is also more. 

Love one another

As I mentioned last week, the assigned topic for my talk was "How can we become disciples of Christ?"

My first thought was, That's easy! It's right in John 13:

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

Perfect! Shortest talk ever! 

On further examination, well, maybe that's not how you become disciples, it's how people know that you are disciples. Loving would probably still be a big part of the discipleship, but is it how you become one?

I am willing to believe that there may be steps to becoming a disciple where people know it. (I am also positive that the way people know it is not by you telling them.)

It used to bother me when people would say that you have to love others before you can love yourself. I knew that I loved others and I had some issues loving myself. 

As I have become more okay with myself, I love others much better. Being self-conscious often got in the way of expressing, accepting, and acting on love.

One problem is the phrasing. "Before you can" makes it sound like an on/off switch; you either love others or you don't. That's the part that makes the statement false, before we even get to whether you love yourself and all the things that can make that hard.

So, believing that loving others (and ourselves) is not a binary but a spectrum, I find it possible to believe that becoming a disciple has steps that result in us loving others (and ourselves) more. 

Then when we have achieved that level of love, that's when others will know.

I did not end up referencing the resource talk, Elder John A. McCune's "Joy Through Covenant Discipleship" a lot while I was speaking. I read it every day while preparing. There wasn't anything irritating me about it (which I cannot say about every conference talk), but there wasn't anything strongly resonating with me either. 

When it was my turn to teach the Relief Society lesson, I knew right away which one I wanted; I knew it when I first read it. (This one.) Elder McCune's talk just wasn't having the same impact.

That made me glad that it was only a resource rather than the topic. 

I did still find a way to bring it in, with some of the examples he included of people whose warmth and love and joy you feel. 

That included a mission president in Mongolia, who drew the attention of a woman in a store who later ended up joining the church. 

It included that woman and her family, who were enthusiastic and joyful about learning more and knowing what to do.

It also included President Nelson, who was kind and loving to the McCunes, making them feel like the most important people in the world, but later they found out that was the same day one of his daughters died of cancer.

A new member, a mission president, and a prophet are all on different places along the path, but they were all able to find joy and reassurance -- even in the face of difficulties and loss -- for where they were.

It's important to remember that even as more knowledge and more ability and more experience are in the future, there can still be love, reassurance, and joy right here and now and all along the way.

I had thought I was going to write about a different progression, but that's not how it went.

There is always more to learn and think about.

We'll probably get to that one next week. 

Speaking in church

Okay, I am going to spend some time going over things I covered in my talk, starting with some of the instructions.

For the past couple of talks, I had been given a conference talk and built from that. This time there was a topic, along with listed resources and the first resource listed was a conference talk.

Topic: — How can we become disciples of Christ?

Conference Talk or Other References to Help: 

• Recent conference talk: Elder McCune - Joy through Covenant Discipleship

• https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/46mccune?lang=eng

• Other General conference talks

• Share any relevant personal experiences

• Share your testimony

• Share relevant scriptures

    

I don't want to give too much importance to that, but I think it's interesting.  

When I gave my very first talk as a youth speaker (around twelve years old), I was advised to tell a story like from a church magazine or something and then bear my testimony. I used a story from Elder Bruce R. McConkie about his father getting a feeling that he was in trouble and coming and saving him from getting injured while horseback riding. I might have found it in the family home evening manual, but maybe a Friend or New Era. 

Many talks did follow this pattern, I observed, but I didn't find it satisfying. I started going more with a five paragraph essay kind of thing, where I would have an opener, three points, and a conclusion.

I should note that we did not have a particularly large youth, so I spoke about once a year. In some wards that would have been very unlikely.

I stuck to that format for a while. Moving into adulthood, I stopped being able to write talks. That eventually led to my current process of lots and lots of journal writing in preparation. I wrote about that a while back.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2022/07/speaking-and-teaching.html 

On a related note, back when I was a Gospel Doctrine teacher for the first time, I would read through the manual and I would read the chapters for the lesson every day of the preceding week. Then I just let the lesson flow.

That was in the singles ward. I remember getting some talk advice there: use three scriptures, mention the Savior at least once, and bear your testimony.

That didn't change the not being able to write a talk process, but I did start then making sure to have at least three scriptures.

With this new phase, I had not spent nearly as much time on the journal writing as a I wanted to. It didn't ruin the talk, though it is possible that there could have been something better if I had written more.

It is also entirely possible that "something better" would have just been for me... something I would have understood better or gotten insight for me.

When I am up there, I just want to invite the Spirit so people can hear what they need to hear; it may not be something I say. (That Speaking and Teaching post above has a good story about that.)

There are probably three points to today's post. One is that we change and evolve; what works for us at one stage in life may not be what works for us in the next. There can be growing pains as we move to something new (or other kinds of pains as we lose ground), but ultimately growth is good so try and embrace it. 

Another point is that different things work for different people; try and only worry about what works for you. Don't compare yourself to others. 

With the talk by Elder Cowley that influenced me, I remember him saying that when he was advised to never write a talk, that he was told that wasn't necessarily for anyone else. I also assume that he spoke in conference, and I know the conference speakers, at least later, had to provide copies for the translators. He might have had to do things differently for conference. 

The main point is that there should be a way that you can invite the Spirit, which is the most important thing, so don't worry about what you can't do or what other people might do better. Focus on that which feels best -- by the Spirit -- for you.

While it may not be obvious, this does totally relate to other things that were in my most recent talk. 

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/08/currently-operating-at.html