Just in case you have an accumulation of damage that would take decades to heal -- even though you may be well into that process -- I thought that I would document my journey in case there are tips in there that can be useful for someone else.
The frustration is that I have documented parts of it all along -- on this and on the main blog -- but searching all the links just does not appeal.
To be fair, a lot of what was documented was only partially documented; my perspective has changed and understanding has been added over time.
To recap...
The starting wounds were that I came to a father unhappy with himself in general but also at a time of grief. Even with a loving mother, she believed that proper parenting was telling other people your kids were great, but telling your kids what they needed to correct.
It was exacerbated by having communication shut down at various times, because they were busy or didn't want to bother.
That left me with a feeling that there was something lacking in me, and no one wanted to hear about my problems, so I tried to be very good and make up for it.
In school I learned that the problem with me was fat, and that no one was ever going to love me until I fixed that. If a boy pretended to be attracted to me it was a joke, and if I showed that I liked him, that was gross.
Also, I probably have ADHD and sensory issues.
The mix of things in how it happens is very important.
Yes, there will be people who will judge you right away for your body size. There are also people who can be attracted to you, and it not be a joke.
I know women who are heavier, and would have faced at least some criticism for it, but they were very validated by their fathers and they were still able to have some confidence and romantic relationships.
I want to stress that, because while there were definitely people along the way who were selfish or cruel or jealous or thoughtless, different people could have reacted differently to it.
I took everything as my own responsibility, and also I accepted things that were very harsh against me.
When it was revealed that I liked a boy who was also my friend, I believed we could never be friends again. I am not sure that was true now, but withdrawing seemed like the only option.
Anyway, that's the damage that I had.
I mentioned recently starting to realize that in fact it is better to admit when you are wrong, and that such a thing was possible. That happened in my early 20s, and happened by observing other people and their reactions.
Caring about other people's feelings was also an important part of that. I don't want to worry about people's opinions on me that much, but if I am causing other people to feel devalued or put down, I do care about that.
Also, if I am wrong about something, I would rather know and change it.
Learning that was important, and possibly my main growth until my early 30s.
That was when I started to believe someone could like me, was crushed terribly, and was clinically depressed for several months.
This is also when I lied to the therapist.
One key thing about that session is that it helped me understand that some very clear memories had that clarity because they shaped me. I didn't really analyze them at that time to see that the lessons I had learned were wrong, but having the reference points still helped.
As it was, the depression only ended through prayer. I was healed of that pain through the Atonement.
I prayed because I realized that if I was still hurting that much after so long, I was not going to get better on my own.
At the same time, I suspect that all that pain that came out -- the months of crying and gloom -- was necessary. I believe I needed to feel the emotions I had shut down so hard for so long.
Emotions are inconvenient, but they are real.
At the end of that particular phase of healing, there was an understanding that I was capable of being loved, but I still did not have a vision of how that would work and what it would look like.
While I don't know that it was directly related to healing, this next phase involved blogging, and starting on social media, and employment issues.
Expressing myself more probably did help with that belief that no one was interested in hearing about my problems.
Starting to have money and job problems cracked at that need to constantly fix everything for everyone else, though that was a process.
It still is, in some ways.
Still, I think the next big stage in healing was that I started adopting depressed teenagers on Twitter.
First of all, I started a lot of reading to try and understand and help them better, much of which also had insight for me.
The other big thing is that if I wanted them to believe that happiness was possible and that they should be allowed it, how much of a hypocrite was I going to be if it was only for them but not for me?
The thing that felt big most recently was connecting the need to fix everything for everyone else to Dad not being happy with himself. Caring for others is good and a core part of my nature, but there are limits to what can be done and what is my responsibility.
That was the basic trajectory. Is it helpful?
I believe in paying attention and analyzing. Sometimes there is a sense that it will be painful, but usually not examining the pain hurts worse and over a longer time period.
I also believe in the power of prayer and the healing power of the Atonement. We don't have to do it all on our own.
We all incur damage. I would like to say that it doesn't have to define us, but my damage has been so much a part of my life, it might define me.
Fine. That definition includes the compassion and strength that I have gained, and the healing.
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