Down Girl: Sit, stay, heel, but don't speak

I recently mentioned kind of hating philosophy but still reading it sometimes for the background it gives.

The book where that paid off the most was Kate Manne's Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny.

As is common with philosophy, there was a lot of going back and forth on the meaning of words: does "hatred" really apply? Is this truly dehumanization?

As frustrating as that was, at some point it just clicked. I don't know that I can convey it as well by cutting to the chase, but I am going to try.

Men expect women to be available for them. This is built into our society, so something that has been taught, but not really verbally. Women should be available to men to talk or listen or to smile on command. Maybe they get exceptions if they are clearly the property of another man -- like a husband and possibly a father -- but there is that expectation. 

This specifically falls under patriarchy and sexism. You can call it male supremacy, but it is an aspect of dominator culture. There is the potential to exert power and authority over someone below you; in this case men over women.

Not everyone is going to do so violently or maliciously, and there are a lot of factors that can go into how interactions play out. 

I have actually had an encounter on a wooded path. It was fortunately a short one. A bear would have been scary too, but less creepy. However, I may be better able to illustrate via concerts.

I am a single woman who loves rock. I have great friends, but given how tastes and inclinations and things work out, it is generally easier for me to go to concerts alone. That leaves me publicly going about without a chaperone/master. Not being particularly young or cute, I usually don't draw too much attention, which is fine with me. (I was asked if I was someone's mom once.) It doesn't always work out.

At one show, I was right in front of the stage. I wanted to be there and made sure to get there early to make that possible. 

It was not a problem for the two openers, but at the start of the main act, I suddenly started feeling shoved backwards. There had been some obnoxious moshers earlier and I thought it was that, but that should have pushed me forward, against the railing.

This was actually a guy (built more like an ox than a bear, but still) who wanted my spot. 

I tried holding my ground, but I didn't realize what his aim was until he had accomplished it. Then, he protectively put his arms on the shoulder of a cute girl who was there, seeing if she was okay.

We had been standing right next to each other, but she just smiled at him. I admit I did not stop to think whether that was scary for her or not, caught up in my own issue.

It ruined the show for me. I was shown exactly how much value I had, and that I had no right to something he wanted.

This next incident featured a more benevolent sexism.

This show was seated, and bit more mellow. The couple next to me made small talk. As the man found out that not only was I an unaffiliated female, but that I knew the keyboardist, he suggested that after the show I go show up at my friend's place and into his bed. He didn't even try and ascertain whether Mike was single.

My first thought was just that it was really weird; why are you trying to pimp out a complete stranger to another complete stranger? Except, when you have a chance to exert some control, maybe it hurts to give up that kind of opportunity. 

His girlfriend appeared to be a little embarrassed, but she didn't interject.

I do have one more story.

This particular venue had very limited seating. Normally I would have wanted to be up front, but I was really run down and knew if I didn't take it easy I was going to get sick. I took a seat on one of the benches. A couple arrived soon, where the woman was pregnant. He had called ahead to make sure she could have a seat.

There was enough room that we could share. (Surprisingly, there was another pregnant woman that evening as well, but she took the bench on the other side.) Anyway, he was very excited because the opener was his favorite band. They actually left after that act, but our interactions were perfectly fine. I was just another human, as they were to me.

Why were those interactions so different?

The first man was unaccompanied, whereas the other two were in couples. That probably affected things. The last one was a bit younger than the second one, which may mean he was raised with more of a chance to see that people not exactly like him could be full humans too, not owing him anything.

It is also possible that there for his favorite band and starting a new family, he was satisfied enough with his own life that he didn't need to try and run anyone else's.

Maybe my volunteer pimp has an unsatisfying job.

Some people will have a larger sense of entitlement, and some will be more antisocial and certainly some will have different moral leanings. 

That means some men will grope a passing stranger for laughs, and some will be perfectly civil until they fail to change your mind and get disproportionately angry until they have no choice to unfriend you... and then there are the violent ones.

Which could be less of an issue of the "non-violent" ones wouldn't get so offended when you try and talk about it.

I promise you that this is nurture, not nature, but nurture is not just your parents and household, but also your school and the entertainment you see and how the people around you act.

It's how often you examine your own attitudes, and how often you are challenged to do so, but also how you react to that challenge. 

And it affects women too.