Different facets of Dominator Culture

Each of those concert interactions had another woman involved. I did not really focus on them, but when I mentioned the one smiling at the brute who displaced me... that was the first time I wondered if it had been at all scary for her.

"Hey, there's this guy I don't know who just put his hands on me."

There are reasons it is unusual to go to concerts alone. I don't know if she had other friends nearby. Finding that my mood was ruined, I left, so I have no idea if kept trying to get her attention or left her alone after that. The way he was fist pumping during the song right after he displaced me indicated he was kind of an attention seeker.

To her, that initial contact was coded as benevolent and reassuring. "Hey, enjoying the show? I can be a bulwark for you."

If she had noticed what happened to me, she would know that he is not automatically protective and helpful; that could entirely depend on his perceptions of the situation and his goals.

Even without her seeing, that's always the case. Some "Not all men!" types will affirm that most men are nice guys. Taking that at face value (and often the statistical data and close-ups of those who self-describe as nice guys puts that into question), there is no guide to which men are safe and which aren't.

It is also possible that she would have been okay with it. His preferential treatment of her was an indicator of her value as young and attractive.

Dominator culture is built on hierarchies, which provide a guide for who gets to dominate whom.

Men topping the patriarchy sets up an unearned deference to men. Therefore, a woman sitting next to her partner while he encourages a stranger to offer herself sexually to someone else may feel some discomfort, but not express it to him.

This may be due to him having a temper, or getting sulky any time he gets corrected. There could be mental justification; after all, he's not that bad compared to a lot of guys. There could be gratitude just to have a man. 

That's alien to me, as a lifelong single, but there are women who really feel the stigma on spinsterhood. It is becoming less common, as more women are allowed to feel their own worth as individuals, but it still happens.

(Note: yes, I am aware that there are reasons to enjoy being part of a couple, separate from validation of worth, and I think it sounds great. I believe it can be even more rewarding when the couple is composed of two whole people who are there because of choice, free from desperation. At this point, I am too old to bother with anything else.)

In an unequal relationship, the benefits don't flow equally. Men get that unearned deference, which is so comfortable it makes it way easier for men to be mediocre and not even know. Women can get that insecurity, where they need a man and where fading youth and attractiveness can be dire problems that overshadow the satisfaction in growing in wisdom and experience.

It doesn't have to be this way, but not questioning patriarchy allows it.

When you give into patriarchy, accepting that there will be those above you, but you can take it out on those below you, the next logical step is competition: you find ways to put yourself against other people in your group.

Much of the competition I am seeing now comes from motherhood. After all, it means you successfully got a man to impregnate you (it's at least implied).

So you get "Crunchy Moms" versus "Silky Moms" (do they both look down on the "Scrunchy Moms"?) and -- worst of all -- you get the "Boy Moms"!

I believe that started as just a fun way of joking about the messiness or energy or something, but it was following stereotypes, and it was easy for it to become a superiority thing. 

That leads to "Teaching my son to cook so he's not impressed by your daughter's Hamburger Helper" or "They say if a woman's first child was a girl it was because she needed some maturity, but if her first child was a boy she deserved to know what true love is" and viral videos of women freaking out at their son's weddings.

(I wish I was making this up. I am not.)

I don't know whether to feel more sorry for daughters or sons in this scenario, but I know none of it is healthy.

I guess the best part of my concert stories is that the couple who was expecting a child seemed like the one least influenced by dominator culture.

The larger point of this post, though, (besides the overall toxicity of dominator culture) is that individuals react differently, based on personal circumstances and specific settings.

I will have more examples ripped from the headlines next week.