I think a big part of needing to write this is that I dropped a bombshell last week. It was in the pursuit of making a greater point (and I still believe the point was relevant) but yes, my father died.
https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/01/readiness.html
The point of the last post was that something I had been working on for almost an entire year prepared me in a way I could not have foreseen. That we can be guided and that we should listen to that is very important to me.
We are also handling the death pretty well, so it didn't occur to me to dwell on that. However, the death of a parent can be a big deal. As we tell more people and they express more condolences, I see that I was insensitive to that potential reaction.
I guess part of today's post can be to assure you that we are neither cold hearted and terrible, nor are we in denial. There were various things that helped, and some of those may be helpful to look at.
In last week's post I did allude to this meaning he will not have to go into assisted living, which he would have hated. There are some specific fears that he had that did not come to pass. I am grateful for that.
There are some other assurances that are pretty personal, but ultimately this does seem like the best possible outcome for him, assuming that actually changing and becoming a better person in this life was off the table.
That might sound a little cold, but it comes from love.
Another thing that I think cushions the loss is that he had not really parented us since... technically the last time he disowned me was 2005. However, after the first time in 1989 and when we reconciled in 1991, there was not a lot of nurturing, and there wasn't that trust built where I could really depend on him. To the extent that losing your father can leave a hole in your life, it was left a long time ago.
That also might sound a little cold, but it's the truth. If I had not faced the truth, I would still have a lot of healing to do.
So the other thing that makes this easier for me -- and where I may be somewhat ahead of my siblings -- is that I have spent a long time on all of this baggage, and how it affected me and why it was like this.
I'm not saying that I have all of the answers, especially to what life would have been like if he had been different. The self-image that I'd had and the lens it created for how I engage with the world, however, has changed and healed.
When I say "a long time", that is literal; I was 50 when the last (at least as far as I know) part of healing clicked into place.
That time was worth it. It makes everything better.
If I was still waiting for some kind of validation from him, or permission to be happy, this would be a lot harder.
If I were going to miss him, that would be a different way of being harder, but there would be compensations for it.
Also, I know even the most loving and caring parents make mistakes or miss things. Because of their large role in our early lives, that has a big impact.
For the best and the worst parents and all parents in between, for the things they caused or didn't prevent or didn't know about, it is so valuable to work for healing.
I might have some things to say about that.
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