It was right there all along

There is one thought that keeps coming back to me.

My concern generally boils down to the ways we try and control each other instead of loving each other and letting each other be. That is dominator culture, and that is something I will write about more.

I have mentioned before that I am going through old conference talks (currently in October 1988). Earlier this year as we started studying the Old Testament, I also kept remembering all of these great articles from 1990, so I started reading the old Ensigns from that year. I didn't find all of them, and then some were in 1994, but there was a time period where the church magazines seemed to offer a lot more depth. I have added going over the Ensigns for 1990, 1994, and 1998 for each month this year, and will then do subsequent cycles until we get around to the Old Testament again.

New Testament: 1991, 1995, 1999
Book of Mormon: 1992, 1996, 2000
Doctrine & Covenants: 1993, 1997, 2001

I am not reading every page, but most of the 1990 ones and then looking at headlines in the other two for which ones are more scripture specific or sound more interesting. Rarely the News of the Church, because that is old, but always the Mormon Journal.

I am finding a lot of what I remembered, which is good. What I may not have remembered but always comes through is the importance of home and visiting teaching, now ministering.

That is in the articles and personal stories and the conference talks, and I know that it was often not done. 

That was what we needed all along. To take a role in caring for someone that you may not have a lot in common with, but that you get to know them, and that you think about their needs, and that you actively care about them.

I think so many of the changes that we make in programs are to try and get people to individualize more, and think about what is needed.

For example, there was a time when Homemaking was generally a different craft project every month. Then there was Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment so that you think more about what is needed in different areas, where maybe it is about dealing with stress or finding fun activities in the area. I once taught one on cooking with vegetables that was needed and great.

But we are not always great at listening to the Spirit, and we are not always great at love. That makes sense because they work together.

There was a time when I visit taught some sisters who were okay with the monthly lesson, and there was one who really needed it, but also my companion at that time always had a way of not being available because she kind of hated that sister (jealousy). I walked to her apartment and taught her alone, and we made that work.

I have had more sisters that had no interest in lessons, but sometimes we could do cards or phone calls or go out to lunch. I called one sister who was trying to make herself get to bed earlier every night for a few weeks to remind her to start ending her activities and get to bed. There were so many differences between them all, but I remember feeling love a lot, and feeling the Spirit. The Spirit made my love grow and helped me know how to help them, and the love made it easier to invite the Spirit.

It's much easier for hate to sink in when you haven't been touching base like that all along.

Peer Pressure

I was at a meeting recently for youth leaders (yes, it was a church meeting) where the question came up of how to love and support the youth as they navigate gender identity questions among their peers.

Yes, it was a church meeting asking about loving and supporting. I am glad that is something they are thinking about. 

In general I thought it was handled pretty well. If anyone is wondering, policy is that we address people by their preferred name, though there was one set of parents that requested the leaders continue using the birth name (dead-naming), and I did hear one person bristling as they said the words "gender-neutral name".

There was also a tactfully stated concern about reaching out for someone who is not coming to participate in Young Women's when they do not feel like a young woman... like ignoring them seems wrong, but reaching out seems disrespectful... I get the concern. As it is, in terms of changing organizations or something, that goes to the bishop, and I think that's is reasonable, though I don't know that it would work out well.

The topic of this post is more from one question where someone started talking about being aware of the bubble the youth are in. Her claim was that the national average is only 10% transgender, whereas in Beaverton School District it is 40%, and kids are always being asked "what" they are.

This is where all of my hackles went up, along with my hand.

I bet I can predict her school board votes.

Regarding the data, I don't believe she intentionally lied but I think there is bad misunderstanding  there. That could relate to our frequent difficulty in sorting out gender and sexuality, which are different, even if they can all be celebrated at Pride (though some of the gatekeeping that happens there... that's another story.)

I did recently see that 43% of transgender Americans are young adults or teenagers. That is not regional, but may indicate that older people who remained closeted for years may find it easier to remain there. 

Otherwise, the numbers remain pretty consistent.

https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/trans-adults-united-states/

This includes percentages by state and region. Neither Oregon (1.8% 13-17, 1.57% 18-24) nor the West (1.62% 13-17, 1.14% 18-24) are particularly high. 

The page states that this includes gender-nonconforming, so that should also take in non-binary youth.

Now, let's look at the United States over all, by age:

13 - 17: 1.43%
18 - 24: 1.31%
25 - 64: .45%
over 65: .32% 

Yes, more youth (and young adults) are gender-nonconforming than adults, but I don't think the rate has changed.

I think what has changed is that not only is there more ability to know that these are things, and that if you somehow feel different from how you "should" be that you are not the only one, but also there is more likelihood of being able to find support for that.

Which is wonderful unless you consider it to be an abomination, or if you think it is all fake pressure brought on by Babylon.

The main thing I said - and I didn't turn over tables, and I think I helped one other person say something, and I know I helped another person not have to say something - was that viewing it in this way is not going to be loving or respectful, because you are coming with the attitude that these things that they feel and are trying to figure out are not real. 

I know so many youth not in the church who are straight and gender-conforming, but what they are is supportive of other people. That is wonderful. That is what the "Don't Say Gay" people are fighting against, and we should not be on their side.

Even the church officially says that the feelings aren't a sin. If we ever really disentangle chastity from patriarchy we could really have something there. 

I promise you that keeping the ignorance there doesn't help anyone deal with it better. Yes, letting them voice their thoughts and feelings and identities, and find support for them, may result in choices that you don't like, but more choices are available with more knowledge, including more good choices.

The other thing I said referred to an earlier part of the meeting where we were looking at numbers, and they had gone down.

I know lots of heterosexual cisgender young people through my friends outside of the church, but I also know quite a few youth and young adults who are bisexual or nonbinary or transgender or homosexual. I know them because I know their parents from church, and none of them are currently coming to church. In some cases their siblings and parents aren't either.

If there is peer pressure, maybe the pressure is to accept and care for others rather than trying to force people to deny things that are core to their being. 

We have lost some youth for not being supportive of their siblings or parents. We might lose some for not being supportive of their friends or classmates or teachers.

And we might have a hard time bringing in any new members who aren't bigots.

About this conference

I have caught up with reading all of the talks, as well as the new For Strength of Youth booklet. Here are a few notes:

My favorite talk was probably Sister Kristin Yee's.

She and the new booklet both acknowledged that forgiveness may not eliminate the need to protect yourself. That feels like a good step forward, as I don't recall seeing that stated so clearly before. I related to it.

I was also pleased to see Bishop Caussé mention stewardship for the earth, and caring for each other.

While it was nice that President Oaks repeated that there is no place for abuse in the Church, it would have meant more if there was some commitment to change. I would be thrilled to hear that the law firm running the help line was fired, and an acknowledgment that we have gone too much with the status quo, instead of living our value of protecting children.

Okay, it doesn't make us any worse than Catholics, but shouldn't we be better?

The most recent statement I see is this, and it is not encouraging:

https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/church-provides-further-details-about-arizona-abuse-case

It related, but what I was actually looking for was another item, from a while back. I believe it was about an incident of racism, but it specifically said that we offer no apology.

If we know something is wrong, but won't say it, that seriously decreases the odds of us doing better.

That was disappointing.

But the most affirming thing came (perhaps in spite of conference) from a talk on temples, where I deeply felt how much I value them. I believe in the need for the ordinances and the importance of the work for the dead.

As many frustrations as I have with the members and leaders, I am still committed. My testimony is still strong.

I may be a bit thorny, but I am firmly planted.

Sportsmanship

Okay, one last thing about the volleyball game.

This is going to be a bit lighter, because I know I got a little angry and scolding last week. 

Shortly after the BYU-Duke volleyball game, there was an Oregon-BYU football game. This time BYU was on the receiving end of intimidating behavior, with Oregon fans chanting "F*ck the Mormons" and apparently being rather aggressive about it, in terms of violating personal space.

My first thought on this was that if we don't want things like that to happen, we need to quit being f*ckers.

(I debated the use of asterisks, but if their inclusion makes reading this a better experience for someone, it's worth it.)

That obviously does not make the Oregon behavior correct, but there is a context to this. 

I believe it happened because of what happened it Provo. The self-declared exoneration at a school that (while belonging to a church that officially decries racism) still sees a lot of racism in its student body does not help.

Although it seems like religious persecution, which would have similar protections to racial persecution, we all know that Mormons are pretty safe. We are mostly white, have not been driven from our homes for well over a century, and the evangelicals are not going to unleash their hatred for us until we stop being useful. Otherwise, when you see actual religious persecution these days, it is almost always against people of color, with the possible exception being anti-Semitism.

There is not the same power imbalance, and we need to be honest about that. It is the imbalances in the power structure, and the desire to maintain that structure, that causes a lot of the evil in the world. Then a lot of that evil just seems like standing up for good values, because we do not honestly interrogate it.

Sports plays into this.

I managed sports teams in high school. Even though I would always tell myself that God does not care who wins a game, and would not take sides so it would make no sense to pray about it, whenever we were down points I would find myself praying. Logical? No, including the use of "we", but that is how the feelings go.

Articles about the BYU-Duke game mention BYU fans shouting right behind the Duke bench as they were serving.  I doubt Oregon was much worse.

I say that because I also remember the crowd chanting "Air ball" when someone on the opposing team was attempting a free throw, and other chants like "over-rated", or singing the chorus of "Kiss Him Goodbye"... that was all pretty normal. It is not specifically racist, but when the use of native mascots increases acts of prejudices against native students, maybe we should consider the connections.

I am not saying that we shouldn't play sports. They do seem capable of bringing out the worst in us, even though you can find lots of inspiring stories about better qualities surfacing. Certainly if schools are going to have athletic programs, they should look at what their goals are, and if those goals are being met.

(And if the honest answer is that the goal is profit, then to ask if that goal is appropriate.)

Maybe it is hard for competition to stay friendly. If so, then it is probably harder in time periods when those who have historically had more power are feeling it slipping and trying desperately to cling to it.

That's where we are now. There are people deliberately working very hard to enforce white supremacy and misogyny and every other form of unrighteous dominion. 

Let us not forget that even the term "sportsmanship" is gendered language, outdated but still imposing a belief that sports played by women can never be as important or valuable.

We are not going to solve that by accident, so we need to be conscious about our choices.

In that interim, we may be called "fuckers", but let's try not to deserve it.

Three reasons to embrace discomfort

Getting back to the BYU volleyball game, I remember seeing some comments that the game should have been stopped, by either of the coaches or by the officials. 

I didn't go into that much. I felt like handling it well would require researching NCAA policy, and would there be a point in that? Regardless, it leads to this week's post by raising the question of how mad people would have gotten if the came had been called.

(And if they had gotten mad for a women's volleyball game, imagine for a televised football game!)

But fighting racism is worth making people mad.

I have written about dealing with the discomfort of doing the right thing (especially regarding bigotry) many times, most specifically here:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2019/02/sitting-with-uncomfortable.html

I am not going to do a full recap of that, but I do want to get into some reasons why we should be embracing that discomfort.

Usually when I am writing about accepting this discomfort, it is for our own learning. That is true for the changes that we need to personally make, as recognition and remorse are necessary steps in repentance. 

It is also helpful in recognizing things that are bigger than us. If we only think of racism as people either being racist or not being racist, we miss all that happens and is reinforced via systemic racism. That prevents progress, not just because there are too many unrecognized parts of the system, but also because when you put everything on the individual it feels too mean to call someone that you like "racist".

Saying that something is wrong is important, but before you can say it you need to know it. Feeling that something is not right and exploring that feeling can be the first step.

And then saying something can be really uncomfortable, especially when you are telling that person that you like that something they are saying or doing is racist.

It is needed for their learning too.

Our church specifically emphasizes that we are here to help each other, with one part of that being "perfecting the saints". We believe in being a light on a hill, and not a light hidden under a bushel. We are told those things are right, but I hope we also have some love for the people around us, wanting them to do well, and become better, and wanting conditions to improve for those who are suffering from society's wrongs.

We should not be ignoring evils like racism. 

Let's think about that person whom you care about, that you do not want to call a racist; you don't think they really actively are, but they sure say some things that can't be right. 

A lot of that may just be habit, but it's a habit that makes them feel good. When they feel like they are not going to have that option anymore, they get unreasonably angry because that feels like they are losing their place.

Yes, I write this thinking of Ralph Nader talking about how ethnic jokes used to relieve tension, but I also write this as the daughter of a man who once was physically assaulted for not letting go of the Polish jokes with someone of Polish background. It was the other guy who got punished, because verbal assault is legal and physical is not, but I still have sympathy for him.

Don't be fooled: that "release of tension" comes from the high of feeling superior to someone else. That is very natural man. In addition, that superiority that you derive from the color of your skin or your gender or other things that are simply how you are, and not a matter of the choices you make and the things you do, are delusions. They hold you back from improving. They put other people in danger. The best-case scenario is that the worst thing it makes you is a jackass.

For all of those people coasting on their higher position in the patriarchy, there are others who are actively promoting it, working to spread racism and to be abusive. There are some horrifying examples that we may very well get to in other posts.

So this goes back to our responsibility to others: we need to make things unpleasant for them because otherwise we are creating a safe space for abuse. 

When you ignore the things you can ignore, and try to quietly shush the things you can't ignore, the message you are sending is that abuse is fine. Whether that is child abuse by respected leaders, or police brutality, or wage theft, you are saying you would rather not deal with it, especially if it isn't hurting you directly.

That keeps the abuse flowing downhill, because those with the least means to fight the exploitation are going to receive the brunt of it.

No follower of Christ can accept that.

Did any of this make you uncomfortable? Good. Focus on that.

See where it leads.