Don't be that guy

I am going to tell stories about two people, and then see if I can make a point with that.

Recently I told an anecdote on Facebook about blocking someone who was constantly argumentative so blocking was the only way to get peace. My point in the story was that clearly that person was picking fights with a lot of other people, and maybe they would be happier blocking too. 

The funny thing about that is that two different friends asked if it was someone else, a different argumentative person we all knew. No, but then when I told them who I meant, they all got it.

Sadly, there are lots of people like that.

That made me curious, so I checked and I only have three people blocked. I know other people with similar quirks, but usually engaging with them respectfully but relentlessly either caused them to unfriend me, or I unfriended them but that was enough, or probably more often they muted me so they don't have to be annoyed with by the things I say that they don't believe. Sometimes things work out.

I am not telling that story today to demonstrate the importance of the block, though sometimes it is really important. It is more that so many people - and not coincidentally so many women - can have this common experience of multiple men loudly and obnoxiously telling us how wrong we are, that when we hear about someone being that kind of a jerk, their face comes to mind.

Do you want to be the face of sexist harassment?

It seems worth pointing out that they haven't convinced any of us. They have annoyed us, and probably other people have felt very frustrated or sick or like Facebook isn't worth it - that is when blocking is valuable - but they have not successfully made their case.

Let's move on to the other person. 

She was a supervisor I had in a retail job. She wasn't particularly high-ranking, but she made the most of the authority that she had in squashing ideas and squelching good feelings. Around Halloween one coworker referred to a witch in the office, and another coworker replied completely seriously, "I thought she was off today." Then she realized she had said too much, but it was cool. She was in fact off and we had solidarity.

The trait that I remember most about her is that she never gave a compliment unless it was to do a negative contrast with someone else. She was thoroughly unpleasant, and she gained nothing by it.

I am thinking of them because post-election many people - including many in our church - are disappointed with the results, and expressing themselves in obnoxious ways. Sure, some people are saying rude and stupid things, but often they don't even come up with anything to say; they just add a laughing emoji, not having a single thought to add but still wanting to mock.

Surprisingly, this post is not about how it is fine to unfriend them, but if you have people treating you disrespectfully, no, you do not have to take it.

I will tend to engage first: questioning, contradicting, or attempting to set boundaries, depending on what is going on and how our relationship has been previously. That feels important to me, but the most common result is that they unfriend me and continue disrespecting other people. So, if you want to cut out the middle part, I can't blame you. You will have plenty of times when you can't avoid jerks; you don't need to give them your leisure time too.

However, this post is really more for the "jerks", or at least for the people heading in that direction but who still have a chance of being better.

If your goal is to make everyone grit their teeth when you show up and eventually find ways to not deal with you - whether by blocking you, leaving Facebook, or hiring an assassin - then probably no changes are necessary.

If your purpose is to convert everyone to your beliefs, aggressive contempt for everyone is a poor strategy. I know they have changed the missionary training materials, but they didn't change them that way. 

Maybe you need to decide your goals before you can decide how to pursue them. I am only going to give you a few ideas for not being obnoxious.

• Give people credit for things, even when they are not on your side. If they are smart, or they accomplished something, or they are trying to do something good, then give them that credit.
• By the same token, if people whom you agree with are doing bad things, acknowledge that. Whether it is a policy causing harm, or dishonesty, or deliberate cruelty, admit that. 
• Don't just repeat things. Even if you believe a concept, find your own way of saying it. Phrases that get repeated over and over may give you that dopamine hit, but they tend to discourage deeper thought. We need deeper thought.
• Finally, since this is a religious, Christian blog, remember that Christ preached kindness, charity, and service, and condemned greed and mercenary behavior. If your policies run the other way, they are not Christian. It seems obvious, but somehow that one keeps getting missed.
  

But also, for those on the receiving end, your way of serving does not have to include putting up with these jerks. There are other ways you can contribute.