Healing by listening

On the main blog I regularly mention different reading lists I am working through. I have several going on now.

One of them is focused on death and grief and healing, which are obviously not all the same thing, but they do relate to each other. There is another on gendered violence and sexism. Those two lists collided recently. I guess it started with On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's exploration of end of life issues.

You are probably familiar with the five stages of grief, which has been greatly oversimplified, at least from what is in that book. It is not so much about a linear progression, but that there are common reactions to terminal illness, and they need to be resolved to get to acceptance for a peaceful end of life.

Kübler-Ross had medical students listen to a series of interviews with patients and sometimes their families. The most interesting thing to me was how often a patient or a doctor would think that the interview would have to be short, and then the interview would significantly exceed the projected time. The patients frequently felt better than expected, and wanted to keep talking. I thought it showed a real hunger to be heard.

Some people could not deal with their own death because they had unresolved grief from earlier events and were still stuck there in the past. One man thought his wife looked down on him because of his not being a high earner. Her own words indicated that too, until it was mirrored back to her and she got protective about him, lauding his honesty and kindness. Whatever time they had left, it could be better because of a new perspective they had both been given.

Not long after finishing On Death and Dying, I read To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster. (That was from the gendered violence reading.)

Brewster uses the anchor analogy because it is important that the anchor doesn't chase or try to steer the ship. The anchor is solid, and maintains a line of connection, but the person being abused needs to be in control of her own actions. The abuser has undermined confidence in her ability to choose and succeed, and the well-intentioned rescuer is recreating that dynamic. While that might succeed in getting her away temporarily, she will often go back, whereas when she can make the decision and the plan herself, then she can have the ability to make a lasting change.

It is natural to want to solve a problem that has been set before you, but if the need is being heard and you start talking, you are not solving. It is also common to try downplaying and minimizing things. We may think we are doing it to comfort the person, but it might be more a way of relieving one's own discomfort.

I had this post at twice the length and was still going, so I realize this needs to be multiple posts. The first point, then, is that we can help each other by listening to each other. Simple enough, seemingly, but often failing. The next post will be about listening better.

Protecting your knees from bees

Friday we had someone take out a nest of 200-300 yellow jackets. I talked with the pest control person a bit and am going to share some information.

First of all, here is the web site: https://www.beecontrolnw.com

There are several bee services in the area. We tried a different one first, but they were slow to respond. So one big vote in favor of Bee Control NW is their responsiveness.

I nearly referred to him as an exterminator, but that is not always the case. If you have a hive of honey bees in your backyard they may do a relocation. If solitary bees are in your house, you might wait a few weeks, break up the homes and then caulk up the holes to prevent return. We want to be careful with our pollinators.

They kill yellow jackets, though. We're okay with that.

In our case, they had moved in under an old stump, and were discovered when the lawn was being mowed. They are often discovered during yard work, sometimes in horrible ways, like maybe you are doing some watering and you don't know that you are standing on top of them until you make a wrong move and get stung twenty times in the knee! (Hence the title, but horrible. How do you even move your knee after that?)

The point of this post is largely to encourage you to take a careful look around and see if there are any nests in your yard, rather than finding out the hard way.

Here is a helpful brief video from the University of California:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY3wmu1KGBc

Yes, we did see yellow jackets flying around the stump, so activity is a good indicator. I don't think I ever saw more than 10 at a time, so knowing that there were hundreds and that they were breeding rapidly was a little unsettling. None of them stung me, so I feel a little bit bad about killing them, but I don't think their non-aggression would have lasted, and I was worried about the dog and the people with bee phobias. Don't judge me!

Anyway, it starts with a queen finding a hole and laying eggs. Bill (Bee Control NW owner) said the queen won't chew her way in. Chewing may very well happen once she has a horde of yellow jackets serving her, but it starts with that hole. Maybe it will be in a wall, obscured by ivy, or behind a light fixture, or under an eave that could use replacing. Just be aware.

This is not only helpful for identifying where you could have nests now, but also can be helpful in preventing new nests. Depending on the type of hole it can be caulked or filled in with dirt or removed or you can put in a cotton ball soaked with Avon Skin So Soft, because they don't like that odor.

Apparently last year was great weather for proliferation and many new queens were hatched. The weather this year led to a late start, which is why we had less than 300 instead of over 1000. Even if the extermination process is the same regardless of the number, not letting them get to thousands still seems prudent.

It is also good to know that nice weather makes it easier for queens to tolerate each other, so you may have more nests in the same area. If you have a nest, you might want to give your neighbors a heads up.

One interesting part of the web page is information on the different types of bees and what can be done with them. I have taken out a paper wasp nest on my own; we needed a professional for this. There are some DIY possibilities mentioned in the video. Use caution and good sense.

For us, it is a relief to have it gone.

Non-emergency preparation for the Second Coming

Some of you may be noticing news stories that make you feel like we are getting closer to Christ's return, though that in itself has been going on for a while.

It is possible this is making you nervous, and that's understandable. I'm more in the space where that seems like the only possible solution for many of my present concerns. Even so, I am not actively praying for it because that feels presumptuous. I don't control the timeline, and I don't have the kind of wisdom needed for that.

This isn't so much about being scared or hopeful, but there are some people who seem to get downright gleeful when terrible things happen, taking it as a sign of apocalyptic approach.

I won't even criticize the glee, exactly, though there are certainly ways to do it wrong. What I am sure about is that you should not be doing terrible things to accelerate the timeline.

For example, you might have people in the executive branch who are destabilizing the Middle East, in an effort to bring about Biblical prophecy, where it seems to be a matter of religious conviction. I feel very comfortable condemning this.

Let's say that some of our country's actions contribute to greater production of nuclear waste, greater threat of nuclear attacks, and deaths of civilians by starvation and violence. Yes, it may go along with the circumstances that eventually lead to Israel being surrounded by many other armies and staying under siege until two men who have been holding off the enemy are killed, and then IT happens - I get it - but there are several important problems with that.

First of all, there is all of that human suffering along the way. Yes, that happens, but that is never a reason to be causing it to happen. I think a relevant scripture here is Luke 17: 1-2

Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!
It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

That almost sounds like it could relate to our immigration policy too, don't you think?

Secondly, there's that presumption issue again; do you really think the Lord needs you to create havoc to give Him permission to return? That almost seems like the thought of someone who completely misses the point of Christ's teachings (and hold on to that thought).

Finally, you know, a lot of the Bible is metaphorical. Not all of it is, but we don't always know. There are a lot of scriptures that we won't fully understand until after the fact.

This is what I take from the book of Revelation: bad things will happen, but God is in charge, and good will eventually win. It is comfort, but not more important comfort than the personal relationship that comes with prayer and study.

If I take an additional message from it, it is that I want to be on the side of good. That's logical. Everything in the gospels tells me that this is about serving others, kindness, forgiveness. Yes, other people get other things from the scriptures - I remember James Watt (under Reagan) not worrying about the environment because everything was going to burn up. Well, it is; but that doesn't make pollution right. One way my comfort works is that I believe this will all be healed; it does not make me want to be the source of injury.

So if we were going to look for appropriate methods of preparing for the Second Coming - beyond collecting your emergency supplies - what would we do?

Repentance seems like a good one. How am I wrong? How can I fix that? What can I do better? Have I hurt anyone? These are good questions to ask yourself. The answers will generally relate to kindness and having greater love for people, including those you might deem enemies. (Which I strongly believe relates more to protecting people who are threatened by others rather than coddling the people who like giving the threats.)

Missionary work seems like a good one, though I worry about many people's ability to share the gospel without making it repellent to others. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. That is just something to think about.

I think the most relevant scripture for pre-Millennial preparation might be Moses 7:18...

And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.

You can't be of one heart with everyone in the world right now, but you can try and make your heart more like Christ's, and that will work. We can work more toward a world where there are no poor by not allowing the exploitation of labor or making necessities like food, shelter, and medical care unobtainable for people. If you can root the greed out of your heart, and the bigotry that supports the greed of the top economic tiers, that is the kind of work that will have you ready for the Millennium.

It's weird how Jesus spent so much time condemning the wealthy and how little that seems to come up in modern Christian conversation. That might be a reason to refer back to the Book.